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I lost my cat and I feel like it’s my fault.


MeeshCnx

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Hello everyone,

Almost two weeks ago, I lost my very best friend. Her name was Zoey and she was only 4 years old. Her death was extremely unexpected and words cannot explain how much pain and remorse I am feeling. 
 

Zoey and I were inseparable and she’s been with me through so much. Words can’t explain how attached we were to each other and she was truly my everything. I work from home so she’s always with me and watching over me. On a morning Two Fridays ago, she started to act different. She was obviously going to the litter box quite often and I knew something was wrong with her. She didn’t cry or anything, but she didn’t playful and she didn’t ask for attention like she normally would. She normally lays on the bed and watches me work, instead, she laid by my feet, under the bed - she was constantly moving and was uncomfortable. It was obvious she was uncomfortable. I thought that she may just have an upset stomach and is constipated, so I looked for home remedies to give her hoping that she would feel better by end of day. If not, I would take her to the vet the next day. She wasn’t eating and we assumed it was due to ingesting lemongrass, as she has been doing that quite a lot that week since we have a plant on our patio. I called the vet and asked for advice for constipation. I told them she wasn’t pooping or peeing, I am not sure if she’s constipated and can’t pee because she hasn’t eaten or drank water, and they gave me some additional advice on home remedies and advised me to bring her to them the next day if it’s not better. 
 

She progressively got worse towards late afternoon. She started crying to us and going to her litter box quite a lot. We didn’t think too much of it because she normally is very vocal and cries when she wants us to pet her. Towards the evening she was hiding under the bed. However, during dinnertime she came out to greet us and walked around the house, so we assumed she was feeling better. Before bed, I went outside on our screened patio to bring her in, and that’s when I noticed she wasn’t feeling good. When I would nudge her or encourage her to move to come inside, she would whine. She eventually got up and walked into the house. At around early morning, 2am -3 am, she would start howling like she was in so much pain. I woke up early that morning, I realized she was actually trying to pee this entire time, and took her to the vet straight away since it is an emergency. I remember holding her and putting her into the carrier, and she just looked at me with her big round eyes. I told her not to worry because she will be treated and will no longer be in pain. 
 

when we got to the vet, they took her in and we had to wait inside the car due to COVID. they completed all necessary treatment for her, xrays, urinalysis, drawing out urine etc. The vet stated they medicated her so she was not feeling much pain during the process. Once everything was over, they said she was doing fine and was active, and that they were able to take out most of the urine. The medicine is starting to wear off and they recommend her to be transferred to a 24 hour facility to be monitor with a catheter or we could take her home to monitor. We were so happy she was fine and We decided to take her home to be monitored, taking her to the ER if anything happens again. After I paid for everything, while waiting for them to take her out, the vet came out and she looked distraught. The next things she say were the words that completely crashed my world and ripped my heart apart “Zoey went into cardiac arrest and unfortunately, she passed”. Words cannot explain how much pain that caused me and how much of a shock that was. They allowed me to see her one last time, and she was completely stiff with her lips blue. This image was a huge contrast of what I saw of her 4 hours prior. I didn’t even get to say goodbye , but the worst part - this is all my fault! The vet said due the urine blockage may have caused a bladder ruptured and toxins may have entered her bloodstream causing her organs to fail. 
 

I can’t help but blame myself. I should have dropped everything on Friday and took her to the vet immediately. She was trying to tell me all day something was wrong. She trusted and loved me, but I failed her. It was very obvious that something was wrong but I was too stupid to take her to the vet. Instead, I took her in the next day! the vet keeps telling me that cats are notorious at hiding their feelings and pain, and that coming in Friday may have been too late..  but she was fine on Thursday. She was eating and she had pee and poop in her litter box. Friday is when the symptoms started to show and I should have saved her. I could have saved her. She’s not alive because of me and she suffered for a long time - because of me. I lost the only thing that mattered to me, because of me. I waited too long to take action and take her, and it cost her life. I just want to hold her and tell her how sorry I am. 
 

it’s been two weeks and everything is still constant - I miss her more than I can say. My heart aches everytime I realize she’s not with me. I see and imagine her at places she should be. I still catch myself doing things out of habit for her, like leaving the door cracked open or feeling the urge to pet her and tell her goodnight before I sleep. My bed, my room, my heart and my whole world feels empty without her. She was a special little one with the best personality. We had a truly special bond and I can’t believe she’s no longer here. I still cry myself to sleep some nights and I definitely wake up in the middle of the night of flashbacks of seeing her lifeless body and hearing the words “Zoey went into cardiac arrest”. When I picked up her ashes, it was like I relived that to whole day and came to the realization she no longer exists. She no longer has a body, she’s forever gone from this world.  
 

I apologize for such a long post, but if anyone has had any similar experiences, please advise me on how I can cope with this. The pain is so immense that I feel like it is eating me alive. I would appreciate any advice on this so so so much. Thank you all so much in advance, as this is something so unexpected for me and I feel like it’s all my fault. 

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I am so so sorry - what a terrible shock especially for a cat so young. She obviously had something very wrong underlying all her issues. :(

I lost my cat a few years ago, he was 15. It was a sudden violent illness. We rushed him to the emergency vet and after 2 hours of suffering, we put him down as the vet did everything they could. They said it was some poison but we never discovered what he could have ingested. (We were out of town at a vacation rental and he was indoors the whole time.) Obviously I can only blame myself for allowing my cat to be harmed.  

We were devastated. Seeing him suffer, losing him so suddenly. Like you are going through, the pain was horrible.  

I wish I could give you some magic words to make you feel better. "Cope" is all you can do. I went through everything you are going through right now. The first couple days are simply total shock. You relive everything constantly. Then, reality settles in and life is supposed to go on... but you are still deep in grief. I know you think that if you'd acted sooner you could have saved her but you don't know for sure. Please allow yourself to grieve this loss without the guilt. 

I promise that this will not last even though it feels like it will. There will come a time where you can access the good memories and not think of your last few hours. It just takes time and we have to be patient. That is really the only answer. I read here somewhere that the depth of our love = the depth of our grief. And it is true.

I wish you peace for your broken heart.    

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My heart literally hurts for you.  Most of us here have felt what you are feeling, it's very common in early grief, especially with our pets as we are their parents and responsible for them.  That being said, we are not veterinaries and do not know what we do not know.  Hindsight is not ours until it's too late.  My dog was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, his liver shut down before the vet noticed, and then it was too late!  He'd had a physical just two weeks prior, passed with flying colors, how can this be!  It was a shock to my system!  I blame the vet as he'd gone to them regularly all his life, and he didn't display overt signs until later, still eating, still constant weight...a couple weeks after diagnosis I did notice changes and he started going downhill fast then.

It's normal to go through all of the "whatifs" in a way to come up with a different possible outcome as this one is abhorrent to us and hard to assimilate, but there's only one ending and that's the one that happened.  It's a process making our way through this.  

I am so sorry for your loss!  I am so sorry for the thoughts that haunt you.  I think to some extent I'll always feel I failed Arlie, even though I gave him the best care in the world and loved him more than life itself!  He will always be my soulmate in a dog, the perfect dog for me.  I have a puppy my son brought me a year ago and I love him totally, but he is not Arlie, no one is or ever can be, but I do love him for who he is!  Arlie is buried in my back yard next to 25 year old Kitty and my granddoggy, Skye, they all lived together and we were a family, now out of that family it's just me, even Miss Mocha is gone, she disappeared nearly five years ago, I know she met with an untimely death (likely a cougar) as she never would have left of her own accord.

It is so hard to adjust to the changes this means to our lives, all of our routines are a trigger in their absence.  In time you will no longer expect to see her and it won't trigger so much...it was at that time I felt guilty for that!   Grief feelings do not mean we are guilty, they are feelings to deal with and it's not easy.  I hope some of these articles will help.
 

 
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Very sorry for your loss. I know it hurts. Hope you get to feeling at least a little better soon. Hang in there.

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hello, i am so sorry for your loss buddy. it hurts. it hurts so much that you just sometimes wanna take your heart out and just stop for it to beat. the pain of what if’s is so much that we can’t process anything. i lost my cat because i didn’t pay attention to her as well, she ran and fell from the 6th floor i am so ashamed to even tell this it’s been 3 years but i still can’t move on, she was just 6 months old, maybe if i was home i could have saved her but i was unfortunately attending my classes and my mom and brother were home but busy doing house work and she ran through the other door which one of the workers kept open and she fell, i miss her so much everyday, for 2 years i didn’t felt like coming at home, but the thing is,i understand the pain you’re going through, throughout the day you’re fine and suddenly you remember a small thing and everything falls apart. just so you know we will always keep blaming ourself because we are alive with that living guilt of our precious buddy being taken away from us. I got so depressed because of it, but i just suppressed those feelings and thought that it will work but don’t do that, I’m numb in my life because of it. Cry out to someone. It will help. We can never move on from true love, we just have to accept that it will always be a part of it. Like a child, our pet was dependent upon us for her well-being. When you love a pet, you expect yourself to be able to control every aspect of your pet’s life and protect your pet from all harm. In short, you expect yourself to be perfect. But, none of us are completely perfect guardians or “parents” for the ones we love. And, none of us have the ability to completely control things like disease, accidents, and unforeseen life. I hope you’re doing better now. Sending you lot’s of love and support.

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