I miss my cat so much it hurts.

[chloecatmom]

I miss my cat Chloe. I've never done this before or have shared my story like this, but I just miss her so much. She passed away on 12/23 at 13 years of age. She had cancer that affected her eye and brain and at the same time she had 6 teeth extracted from tooth resorption. At first they thought the tooth resorption was what caused the supposed eye and nasal infection. And the thought was that fixing her teeth and antibiotics would then fix her eye, but that was not the case. The vet gave me all the antibiotics to try and nothing was working and instead it just kept getting worse. She declined so fast. Staring off into space, pacing, walking into corners and not eating. After months of vet appointments, force feeding and trying to keep her alive - the vet determined it was something more aggressive: cancer. I made the decision to have her rest in peace per the vets recommendation as well that her quality of life was not going to get better.

I have flashbacks all the time. Of me force feeding her, feeling exhausted, constantly worrying about her, holding her in my arms for weeks, etc. And I keep thinking the thought of "Should I have fought harder?" and "Should I have waited and given her more time?" 

But they kept telling me I've done all that I could have done.

The worst part that is so hard to type right now is that she would show glimpses of being herself sometimes. Kneading and what I would always say "making biscuits". Just tiny signs that made the decision so much harder. I wished so badly that she would just heal and be back to her loving self. 

I took over the role of being a full time cat mom from my parents when I moved out and I watched her for 5 years. She's been apart of my life since I was young as my best friend. 

Every time I noticed something was wrong I would call the vet or take her in. One thing I've learned that I should have been doing was bringing her in for her yearly exam and now it's all I think about as well. 

I keep looking for reassurance and I keep not accepting it. Even when the vet said I couldn't have stopped this and nothing was my fault - I don't hear it. I just keep thinking that I could have done so many things better with the knowledge that I have now.

Anyways. Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

[+Jeffrey+]

I am truly sorry for your loss. And I know just how bad you feel. It does hurt like crazy. I've lost two dear cats within the last two years, most recent one on February 17 of this year. I've hurt for a long time, and I still do, but the pain will ease a little over time. Just know in your heart that you loved her dearly, and gave her the best life you possibly could've. Sounds like you were an awesome cat mom, and I know your sweet Chloe felt the same. Mind sharing some pics or video of your cat? If not, I certainly understand.

Wishing you the very best during this difficult time. You hang in there.

May your sweet Chloe rest in peace. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, chloecatmom said:

And I keep thinking the thought of "Should I have fought harder?" and "Should I have waited and given her more time?" 

I am glad you found this site and posted your story.  I am so sorry for your loss...it's been two months, it was 1 1/2 years since I lost my Arlie (dog) to cancer and just a few months later my Kitty at age 25.  There was no saving them, only suffering ahead.

It is common/normal to feel guilt/regret in grief.  We ask ourselves all of the "what ifs" in an effort to find a different possible outcome, but there was none, only the one that occurred.  

The pain you are feeling is also normal in early grief, gradually it will lessen enough to carry it and not as intense pain as we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives.  Right now triggers abound and it takes quite a while for the grief process.  There's only one way and that's straight through it, yes we feel the pain and it feels intolerable, but there's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, even though you cannot see it as of yet.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

[Gary55]

I'm so sorry to read your story. It seems that no matter what we do in our pets lifetime, nothing stops the what ifs and could haves after they pass. You were a great mum, you did what you could and Chloe will have known that. 

[Maria78NY]

I know it’s a year later but something similar just happened to me. I got Tutter for my daughter when she was 4. He was the biggest scaredy cat but we had a special bond. He just did certain things to let me know he loved me as much as I loved him. We put him down December 21st this past Wednesday he was 14 and I’ve been a complete wreck. We always have Christmas at our house but I couldn’t do it. My mom did it last minute but if it were up to me I would have cancelled completely. He was diagnosed with diabetes and a mass on his pancreas just 2 weeks ago. The vet seemed almost hopeful that if we start him on insulin that there’s a possibility that the mass could be benign and he could possibly have surgery. We brought him to the emergency vet around 4 am Wednesday morning and she said she could see cancer had spread and he had possible internal bleeding. She told us we could hospitalize him for end of life care or we could put him down. I couldn’t leave him there. As soon as they let us into the room he perked up and was purring and he was so happy. To say I’m heartbroken would be an understatement. It’s not fair. Animals are just too good for this world. 

[KayC]

@Maria78NY  Oh Hon, I am so sorry!  It feels so unfair!  I think you did the right thing as it would have been very hard on him to leave him there for end of life care, he'd have gotten worse and you let him out of his suffering, but now his suffering has become your own in grief.  

My heart goes out to you in your grief.  I have been through this too many times, the pain is incredible.  I know it helps to know we gave them a good life, but that does little for you now in the midst of your sorrow and pain.  (((hugs)))

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

[foreverhis]

On 2/25/2021 at 7:01 AM, Gary55 said:

I'm so sorry to read your story. It seems that no matter what we do in our pets lifetime, nothing stops the what ifs and could haves after they pass. You were a great mum, you did what you could and Chloe will have known that. 

Yes! 

@chloecatmom  What Gary55 and KayC wrote is exactly right and true for almost all of us.  The "Why...?" and "What if...?" get us, especially at first, because we love them so much and can't imagine that we were unable to save them.  But we are not omnipotent and we can only do our best.

On 2/24/2021 at 7:08 PM, chloecatmom said:

The worst part that is so hard to type right now is that she would show glimpses of being herself sometimes. Kneading and what I would always say "making biscuits". Just tiny signs that made the decision so much harder. I wished so badly that she would just heal and be back to her loving self.

I know, truly.  That's what makes it all the harder sometimes.  Our sweet Penny girl (my husband's soul cat) had intestinal cancer at age 17.  She stayed with us for 6 months.  In that time of treatments, vet visits, and home care, there were days when she seemed so much herself that our hearts wanted to trick us into believing that she would get better.  But ultimately, she didn't and we had to let her go to the Rainbow Bridge.  To be honest, I felt that way with my husband as well.  I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't recover from his cancer and be well again.  When that didn't happen, I blamed myself so much with the "Why did/didn't we/I/the doctors...?" and "I should/shouldn't have..." and so on.  It takes time and help to work through all these painful emotions and let them settle into what they should be, which is regret and not guilt.  Kay reminds us often (and I appreciate it when she does) that feelings are not facts and feeling guilty doesn't mean that we are.

I've written this elsewhere and will say it again:  Helping to lift our animal companions up out of their pain and suffering is one of the greatest acts of love in the world.  We do it for them, even though we know our hearts are breaking and our lives will shatter for a while.  You gave your sweet Chloe a life full of love; you gave her all of yourself and your heart.  That's all any of us can ask of ourselves and each other.  I have faith that our most beloved animal companions will be waiting for us when it's our time.  I believe that when my John died, our two most special pets (my soul dog Charlie Bear and his Penny) were waiting for him to be joined in joyous reunion and never to be parted again.  There are certainly hard days when my faith in that wavers, but my heart still feels the love and so I slowly move forward into the life I have now.

I am so very sorry you lost Chloe.  It's clear you were an amazing and devoted cat mom.  That's everything; it really is.((HUGS))

[Anawilliam850]

externalize the saddnes help to be better each day, I'm glad that you can share this with us