Busy

[Yoli]

How many of you have been told by people that they have been BUSY, as if this absolves them of any reason as to why they have dropped out and not been in contact?

Plus I don't why people think by using words like great or wonderful that it will magically change how I am feeling.

I believe I just ended a friendship.

[Sparky1]

To me it's like a novelty for people. After a while it wears off and they don't care about those of us who are grieving. I've had the same reaction as well. The first few days when my wife passed away, I couldn't keep up with all the calls and texts. People promising the world, saying whatever I needed that they would be there. And now it's dwindled down to a few good friends and family members. I'll remember for when it's their turn.

[AnnRA]

Yoli,  you should not be being treated like that. How rude! They sound like they are “under stress” but that is light years away from the avalanche of grief that you are under.  I do hope you can surround yourself with hugs/care from a real friend later today, to help you remember that you are a valued friend, person, and that you deserve support.  So few understand this!! Hugs/Ann 

[Yoli]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

. I'll remember for when it's their turn.

I find myself thinking the same thing. Let's see how your positive thoughts go then.

[widower2]

As lame as the excuses are, even that is I think at least a little bit better than hearing nothing at all. Granted not much of a choice.

Someone who I've known all my life and is like family to me reacted when I lost my love by saying and doing.......nothing. She isn't local, but no phone call, not even a token card. Oh I got a few token comments on the Christmas card...two MONTHS later...saying wow it must be hell what you're going through. Ya think? And yet you know that and still did nothing and make no real attempt to keep in touch? And still there wasn't so much as a "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "if I can do anything let me know" kind of statement in there. I was shocked and disgusted beyond belief. 

People suck.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Yoli,

So true, so true that casual friends drop off the face of the earth after their initial condolence.  I think they figure, 'I said sorry what more do you want'.  I have just had to lower my expectations about friends.  They won't be able to fill the void in my life anyways, so I disregard their absence and unfeeling comments like 'be positive'

I don't want to rely on friends to make me feel better.  I don't actually want to feel better.  To feel better seems like I would be disrespecting his memory somehow.

So "F" them.  I recognize them for what they are, Fair Weather Friends

[Roxeanne]

I think loss it's the dividing line from very true friends and less true friends

Even if my experience was and is different:

I left my friends to live intensely with my partner.

Of course we stayed in touch, we met every now and then rarely...

When the catastrophe happened they were there for me and i refused any help

I felt i need to be alone to live my pain deeply...otherwise i would never have came out of it!

3 month later when i was scared by loneliness and by his absence, my friends embraced me again and gave  me any help without questions.

I am very grateful for that!

[Gail 8588]

In my case, my husband had a huge group of friends. He was very charismatic and he was very encouraging and supportive of all of his friends his whole life. 

Because I was with him for 40 years, his friends were my friends too.

When he died, and because I felt so terribly guilty about not saving him, I really pushed our friends away.  I didn't deserve their compassion. 

I am sure they found me to be surprisingly aloof and distant.  Gradually most of them quit inquiring about me. 

I don't blame them.  It was me who pushed them away. 

One close friend of ours refused to be pushed away and has doggedly insisted on being in my life whether I wanted him to be or not.  I love him for it.  His wife, also my good friend, has been patient as Job supporting both me and her husband work through our grief.

It's all very complicated finding this new life with the main character  in these relationships missing.

Gail

[DMB]

I put on a sweatshirt this morning that has X name on it.  Two brothers that have a farm where my husband did a lot of work.  When my husband died, nothing.  Nothing from either brother.  They did track down my son so at least there's that.  I've yet to run into them, and I suppose I may never get over it.  All I wanted was a sorry text, maybe flowers, an on line condolence, just nothing.  I would have never expected that from these 2.  If I do run in to either of them I will just be cordial.  Only people that have been thru it get it.

[yvo4848]

>>>>>>People are scared and don't  no what to say'' plus humans are generally selfish. Sad but true. When my hubby passed I had not one friend they all split, 40 years back ,sad.get a dog that helped me.I care

[KayC]

5 hours ago, DMB said:

I put on a sweatshirt this morning that has X name on it.  Two brothers that have a farm where my husband did a lot of work.  When my husband died, nothing.  Nothing from either brother.  They did track down my son so at least there's that.  I've yet to run into them, and I suppose I may never get over it.  All I wanted was a sorry text, maybe flowers, an on line condolence, just nothing.  I would have never expected that from these 2.  If I do run in to either of them I will just be cordial.  Only people that have been thru it get it.

Been there, although not with my sisters, but my brother doesn't have much to do with any of us.  My best friends didn't bother coming to his funeral!  I'd never do that to someone I care about, never!  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

[Yoli]

On 2/23/2021 at 3:55 PM, Sparky1 said:

 

My counselor thinks I am stuck in a loop of being disappointed with friends/family. I have taken steps to actually tell them what I need - sent them info from Widower2's blog. It worked for a couple of them but only for one time, since then radio silence has resumed (3 weeks). So I have taken steps to jettison those who cannot support. I see it as me taking control and not allowing them to hurt me further. The counselor is thinking in the long term of will it be beneficial - I don't know but for the short term it takes a burden off me wondering it by chance they might check on me today. 

Also with regard to my initial post I have come to the decision that it is extremely condescending to expect me to see the world as she does with her positivity when she sitting there with her life intact. How dare she.

[Miss T]

I believe people mean well, but unless they've been there themselves it's hard to understand the turmoil and unrest you're experiencing.

I m only a few weeks in and have been fortunate to have family staying with me. Although at times I just want to be alone.I'm dreading the summer months with the long evenings ahead of me .

 

[Yoli]

4 minutes ago, Miss T said:

I believe people mean well, but unless they've been there themselves it's hard to understand the turmoil and unrest you're experiencing

Some people don't even try to see it from our point of view.

[SDC]

While no one used that specific language with me, I'm astounded by how quickly people stopped checking in and how some people never checked in at all. You find out who cares about you and who loves you when you're grieving. Sadly, people disappoint and add more loss to your heartbreak. Apologies if this is too dismissive of someone in your life, but whoever suggested you show more positivity is a thoughtless ass. I get that most people are selfish, but it doesn't take much effort to be mindful of how you engage with someone who is grieving. It says a lot about someone if they can't bother being mindful when you're at your most vulnerable. 

[KayC]

For sure!  It was something we didn't need on top of losing our soulmate!

[Yoli]

19 hours ago, SDC said:

Apologies if this is too dismissive of someone in your life, but whoever suggested you show more positivity is a thoughtless ass. I get that most people are selfish, but it doesn't take much effort to be mindful of how you engage with someone who is grieving.

Spot on.

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

For sure!  It was something we didn't need on top of losing our soulmate!

Yes, the burden we carry is already overwhelming but to have to also bear asinine behaviour puts it over the top.

[DMB]

I like the title of this topic.  I have one friend I rather not have, but since we've known each since high school and we are in a group of 6, there are times I must endure her mouth.  Thankfully, she moved out of state over a year ago.  We did a group zoom a few weeks ago, and of course she said something stupid to me.  Although not in regards to grieve.  She said I should be glad my prior breast cancer wasn't stage IV cause she knew someone (not even breast cancer) that had a more dire diagnosis.  Um, it's not a competition.  Same thing here too,  if you ever heard the words you have cancer, the only ones that understand are people that have heard the same words.  So please don't tell me how to feel........ever.

Same thing with grief.

Anyway, moral of my sharing this is when she reaches out calling me directly outside of the group, I put her on BUSY!!!!    LOL  I'm at 3 attempts to talk since the group meeting.

[KayC]

On 2/25/2021 at 12:50 PM, DMB said:

I have one friend I rather not have, but since we've known each since high school and we are in a group of 6

Sometimes we want to keep ties but much more loosely and in a different way, setting new boundaries is okay too!  There are people it's okay to exchange Christmas cards with but you don't want/need to socialize with.  It makes it awkward when you can't cut them w/o changing your group dynamics.