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Not as hopeful as I'd like to be

Marie M

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I've been through a lot at a young age. An ex boyfriend died of cancer when I was 18. I got married at 25. Less than 2 months after I got married, a different ex boyfriend died of suicide. My marriage lasted about 3 years and ended in divorce for more than one reason... one of them being that he couldn't get over me having to go through a grieving process for the ex's suicide. It wasn't even that I would talk to my ex husband about it. I did go to therapy. He had a grudge against me for it, and he would bring it up.

I'm in a much better place now. I moved far from my hometown. Being in a new environment and meeting new people has been the best thing for me. I'm engaged. After we get married, we want to adopt an infant or child. Unfortunately, although the idea of adopting makes me happy, it also overwhelms me a great deal and sometimes causes me to have pity parties.

I have a fertility issue. My ex husband and I tried unsuccessfully throughout our marriage. When I tried to talk to friends about it they would jump to conclusions before I was able to get all of the information out there. Sometimes saying things like, "Maybe it's him..." But it wasn't my ex with the fertility issue. It was me. It is me. I've heard it from doctors. I know.

Adopting does feel better than doing medical treatments. I don't want to feel hate toward my body again. But it is overwhelming. There are different ways to go about it. And it seems like the least costly poses risks. 

It makes me sad that I've been through so much and I can't just be able to have a child in a simple way like most people. It makes me sad that to some degree I will have to advertise myself and prove myself worthy. And, to a degree, I wish I could adopt all the children who sadly have to be advertised to be adopted because they have had traumatic stories. But I can't save them all. And, then there is a circle back to grief. I know it's not my fault that an ex died of cancer and an ex died of suicide. I'm sure it's relatable that if we could save them, we would ♡

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