lost my older brother to suicide

[anadr]

My older brother and I never got along very well up until the end of 2017. He committed suicide on May 15th 2018. 

He had been staying in a clinic due to substance abuse and mental health problems.  My Grandma and I would try to visit him regularly and to bring him his favourite snacks and to spend some time with him. On the 28th of April in 2018 I was snooping in his room and found a suicide letter. At that time we did not know where he was, because he was staying at my dad's ex girlfriends house from time to time. We called the clinic and they informed us that he had checked himself in. (The first time my dad checked him in) My grandma and I drove there to talk to him.

Usually he was very upbeat, he would have a ton of energy and talk with us.

That day he could not get out of his bed, I can't even remember if he hugged me that day. We didn't stay too long, but I remember him telling me to always do my homework and that he loves me.

That was the last day I saw and talked to him. 

The day I found out,  me and my sister just got home from school and ate lunch with our dad, who at that time already knew. He let us finish eating and acted as if nothing was wrong.

He then proceeded to tell us what had happened. I remember feeling shocked and in disbelief. My first instinct was to hug my dad because he was crying and he does not cry often. 

Almost 3 years later and I feel as though I have not moved on but accepted it. I still feel sad if I think about it for too long but I am able to talk about him in a positive way. In the beginning I never wanted to talk about him because it always brought me to tears.