Can't move past the last time I saw him

[831]

2 weeks ago I lost my dad to covid. I'm an adult, but an only child, and my dad was the only person I had in the world. We were a team. We lived together and did everything together, he was my very best friend. He and I were so sure he'd come home. But he didn't, and now I'm heartbroken and can't get over the last time I saw him awake, in the ambulance.

We didn't hug in case he had covid, and I wasn't allowed to go with him as they are not allowing it in the hospital at the moment. I can't seem to forget how scared he looked when I had to get out of the ambulance. I keep thinking if there was something I could have done for him in that moment. I don't know if I will ever get over it and I find I am crying the most replaying that in my head.

He was the most amazing person I have ever known and he's the only one I would talk to when I got upset. Now I've lost my shoulder to cry on, my dad and my best friend so suddenly, I feel like I can't take a deep breath and all I keep seeing is that terrified look in his eyes. I just don't know how to move through this.

[Jax57]

I feel the same. My Father was my only reference point for unconditional love. He meant everything to me. While he didn’t pass from Covid he was in a nursing home and I was only able to see him a handful of times before his death. I keep replaying the phone call I received to inform me of his death and I can’t stop imagining him dying alone. I’m also so angry that for a year I was allowed very little access to my father but they did invite me in to see him dead. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be whole again. In any case, grief so unique but I grieve along side you and so many others. 

[mvs788]

Five years ago I held my dying father‘s hand while he took his last breath.

this past December my mother went in for knee surgery. Three days after she came home, she was unresponsive and we had to call an ambulance. After a week in the hospital, they could not get her off the respirator.Myself and my two brothers went to the hospital and we’re allowed in one at a time to say goodbye before they removed her from ventilation.

We got the call at 4:45 PM on New Year’s Eve to inform us of her passing, it’s been almost 5 weeks and although the pain is a lot less, out of nowhere it’s like 1000 foot high wave will crash over me.

[Candace25]

I lost my mother 4 weeks ago to COVID as well. I found her lifeless body; my father and I had to perform CPR till the paramedics came. I too continue to see her that day. I continue to ask myself if there was something more I could’ve done. Maybe if I had found her sooner, maybe if I had taken her to the hospital sooner. It’s beyond hard and everyday I have to fight those images and thoughts; they are all consuming. I try to find comfort in knowing I was with her the last day of her life. It’s difficult and I don’t blame you for thinking all you’re thinking. It’s valid. This **** sucks. I’m here. I care. And I’ll listen. 

[Trikwuchi]

My condolences to you. I lost my mum to covid 5 weeks ago. I'm distraught and heartbroken. It continues to feel unreal. A nightmare. I wake up everyday to my reality. 

So very painful. It takes time to process it all. With covid you feel robbed, as the person would still be here if not for covid. It's so devastating and traumatic

 

[Amy S]

I am so so sorry, I lost my mum in October and I then lost my dad on 6th December, Dad was sudden and totally unexpected. To say he was my best friend is an understatement he was my everything, we'd become even closer if that was possible during my mums illness and supported eachother with everything, it was really one life and not two, I honestly do not know what to do with myself every day is just so painful, I totally understand how you are feeling I keep seeing mediums which I find gives me some comfort but I just cannot accept hes gone, if you ever want to talk im herex