Love of my life died suddenly (covid) and I can't accept it -- so many regrets

[Gail 8588]

Just as I was selling our home, (had a contract but had not yet closed) Hurricane Irma paid a visit to my house breaking out the windows in the master bedroom and flooding the room with rain. I had evacuated, and wasn't allowed back on the Island for 4 days. By that time the carpet, bedding and mattress were all ruined by mold.   So I had to throw away "our" bed.  I had been sleeping in a guest bedroom most of the time anyway.  After the storm, I never replaced our king size bed and have slept in a twin bed ever since.  

I actually like my twin bed.  It suits me.  I am single. 

There are so many practical advantages too. I have more space in my bedroom,  laundry is easier, changing decor is cheap and easy.

I have a queen size bed in my guest room, in the event a couple ever comes to visit. I think that has only happened once in the past 3 years, but I'm ready. 

Gail

[KayC]

Wow, that's rough, Gail.  It almost sounds fitting, yet still...very hard. 

 

[April Ballou]

I have slept in a queen-size bed since I was 16 I might fall off of a twin.  I'm a big lady and I move around alot.  Plus I love my waterbed, it helps me sleep.  It's not so much the bed for me, it's the not having someone beside me while I sleep.  But if you are comfortable on a twin you go right ahead.

[luckystarhongkong]

It always amaze me to know how human beings are so scared of loneliness and yearn for companionship, yet a close loving relationship is so scarce so difficult to come by. Me and my wife talked about it many a time thinking we were so fortunate to have found each other as soulmates and best friends other than husband and wife. We felt sorry for those who failed to build a loving relationship(there are plenty). I naively thought that we shall be happy forever and ever. I've never imagined I would grow old lonely. Life is cruel. It often takes away the things you treasure most.

Sharing on this forum surely helps. But that's no replacement for a companion. It's hard to start again. Are there anyone out there to enlighten us how we could have a way out so that the time left for us will be less unbearable? Going on like a zombie without hope is tormenting

[April Ballou]

I was wondering the same thing.  I know that I could never replace Darrell, it's just I hate being alone.  I would love to have some companionship.  Someone I could cry on their shoulder, someone to lay in bed with.  Is that wrong?  I'm 56 I don't know how long I will be alive but I know I don't want to live alome.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, April Ballou said:

I would love to have some companionship.  Someone I could cry on their shoulder, someone to lay in bed with.  Is that wrong?

No, it is not wrong at all.  I hope very much that you are able to find a companion who loves you in the way you deserve to be loved.  But I urge you in the strongest terms to not rush that.  We're so vulnerable, so alone and lonely, that we (and that includes me) sometimes are not thinking clearly.  Let yourself grieve, though you will struggle and wish things were different.  When you are ready to open your heart, I would bet that God helps you find (or maybe sends you) a man who will be worthy of you.  Of course no one could ever replace Darrell, but that does not mean that you shouldn't have love in your life again.

[April Ballou]

Thank you for that @foreverhis

[luckystarhongkong]

forever his: I see your point. I am thinking that the logical thing is to adapt to this new reality until we come out of this zombie state and be able to think clearly before making any move. Initially we were so eager to kinda repair our loss with just anyone we can get hold of, that's usually perfect recipe for disaster. The process is hard and painful, but it is a safer bet to make a decision until I can look at loneliness in the eyes...I'm not saying I can do it; but I'll tried.

On the flip side I think many of us have experienced true love, have kept a long term loving relationship with another human being in a marriage.  Perhaps, shall we say, we all possess the ability/characteristics to have another loving relationship with another person, albeit not as perfect as the one we had? I don't know if this kind of though helps us a bit in this living hell. I hope it will. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, luckystarhongkong said:

Initially we were so eager to kinda repair our loss with just anyone we can get hold of, that's usually perfect recipe for disaster. The process is hard and painful, but it is a safer bet to make a decision until I can look at loneliness in the eyes...I'm not saying I can do it; but I'll tried.

All we can ask of ourselves is that we try.  There's just no way around the painful, hard, and lengthy grief journey.  It throws challenges at us all the time.

You're quite right that leaping into a relationship when we can barely think straight is a sure way of getting hurt.  But we humans are social animals.  We crave and need contact and companionship.  There's nothing odd or wrong about wanting and hoping to find that again. 

For me (and I stress this is just me), finding peace with being on my own continues to be a challenge.  I've never lived alone before.  I went from my parents home to roommates to my husband.  I think it's apt to say that it's important to "look loneliness in the eyes" before we look at or for another person to be part of our lives.  When we are strong enough to stand on our own, having been forced to because we lost the strength, support, and comfort of our soulmates, then we can be strong enough to open our hearts again.

Some people do find a new love sooner than others.  Still others, like me, have no interest in ever doing that.  But I was just a month shy of 60 when John died at 71.  We had 35 years of marriage (knew each other for 37--well over half my life up to that time) and that is enough for me.  I am also lucky enough to have a small, loyal support system of friends and family, including a few male friends who I trust and who all knew John to varying degrees. 

I do not believe anyone should deny themselves love if it comes to them, as long as it's a positive addition to their lives, rather than just the desire to not be alone.  There's a real risk to being with someone simply because we don't want to be alone; there's a real reward if we can wait until we're truly ready.

[Gail 8588]

7 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I have slept in a queen-size bed since I was 16 I might fall off of a twin.  

My husband was a big guy, and he moved about a fair amount in his sleep. So even in our king sized bed, I had about 1/3 and he had 2/3.  So a twin is actually more sleeping space than I used for the 40 years we were together.  Of course the cuddling and what have you was nice in a king. 

The twin works for me, probably like the recliner chair works for Kay.  It feels like only one person is supposed to be in this space.  No one is missing. 

It is a bit of a mind game I suppose. But it seems to work for me. 

I can totally see how others might take comfort in sleeping in the same bed they had with their partner. Being able to touch his/her pillow etc.  We all eventually move to what brings us comfort.  Whatever works is good. 

Gail

 

[Gail 8588]

42 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I do not believe anyone should deny themselves love if it comes to them, as long as it's a positive addition to their lives, rather than just the desire to not be alone.  There's a real risk to being with someone simply because we don't want to be alone; there's a real reward if we can wait until we're truly ready.

Foreverhis,

I completely agree with your comments here.  

My judgement was very very poor for the first 3 years after my husband's death. I look back at those decisions now and can clearly see how my "nothing matters anymore" mind set impacted my judgment. 

I do think it is best to wait until your brain is functioning better before you make big life decisions,  including venturing into a new relationship. 

But the truth is, it is hard to see that your brain is not working right from the inside.  I blundered through making big decisions while I was a zombie.  Now that I am  thinking better, I can see some of those decisions were crazy. 

For those of you who want another relationship, I wish you the very best. But please recognize that you are very vulnerable right now.  Some people will try to take advantage. 

Gail

 

 

[Roxeanne]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

When we are strong enough to stand on our own, having been forced to because we lost the strength, support, and comfort of our soulmates, then we can be strong enough to open our hearts again.

I like your comments  foreverhis.

I'm feeling strong right now, strong enough to open my heart to someone else.

But maybe not...

why i can't imagine someone else without imagine that he looks like him, doing things like him, be like him ?

[April Ballou]

You know @roxanne I never thought of that. Plus since all I have ever been with is Darrell what if my next man I call him Darrell by accident?  Man this is the worst thing that I have ever had to deal with.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Is that wrong? 

No it's not wrong.  We do what we find best.  I tried years ago but ended up with more heartache and decided to go it alone...my bar is set so high and I don't meet anyone I'd consider.  No one will ever be like my George and I well know it, but I too hated being alone.  I am glad I've given myself the chance to get used to it and value myself, just me.

3 hours ago, April Ballou said:

what if my next man I call him Darrell by accident? 

Pick someone with a great sense of humor.

 

[April Ballou]

@Mark loves Sandra that me in a nutshell except I dont have a job to go to.  And it's the crawling into an empty bed I think is the hardest.  All of us here in this forum are going through the same thing.   I'm sorry for all of us too.  But if we work together we can make it.

Thanks so much @Kay C

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, April Ballou said:

You know @roxanne I never thought of that. Plus since all I have ever been with is Darrell what if my next man I call him Darrell by accident?  Man this is the worst thing that I have ever had to deal with.

Well, if you accidentally called a new love Darrell, then he'd have to be confident enough to understand who you are and how you got to this place in life.  He'd have to think it a good thing that you can't and won't leave Darrell in your past--because he is not just in your past.  Darrell is and will remain part of you.  IMO, it takes a strong and special person to understand how much we will always love our soulmates.  I truly hope you find a man like that when you are ready.

[April Ballou]

@foreverhis I hope anybody on this forum that want another relationship find the one God wants for them.  We all need happiness in our lives. I'm not going to rush into anything.  But I dont see or hear anybody knocking at my door, that's how I met Darrell.

[luckystarhongkong]

as is said in Forrest Gump move, life is like a box of chocolate; you never know what is in stock for you.

I'd prepare for the worse and learn to live by myself. That's easy said than done I know. 

[Gina Mahlan]

It now has been a year since I lost my forever guy, Damon.  We were together for 27 years and even though he had health issues, my family always referred to him as a cockroach....they would say, no matter what happens, he always comes back strong, just like a cockroach.  My problem was believing them.  So, in April 2020 when he passed away from covid, I kept denying it happened, that he will be at home waiting for me.  He had fallen and broken his hip, then was sent to a rehab center to get stronger.  Unfortunately, his legs just refused to get strong enough to bring him home, so I was forced to put him in long term care for more therapy. What a horrible experience!  No one should put their loved ones in those places, unless you have the means to afford a good one, which we did not.  I spent every afternoon and evening there until visiting were over, and then came lockdown in mid March.  I saw enough to straighten a curly woman's hair flat while I was there.  Once the family was unable to get in, God only knows what went on.  I could only talk to him over the phone.....if I called the staff to answer some questions, they were always in a meeting and would call back, which they never did.  Saturday, April 11th, I tried all afternoon trying to reach him on his cell phone, with no luck.  Finally, after 25 or 30 rings to the nurses station, I reached someone who would go check on him.  She came back and replied that he had passed out around 12:30, and had been taken to the hospital. I found out 6 hours later, and only because I had not heard from him.  No one had even called me, even though I was POA!  I drove to that hospital in a downpour, not knowing if he was alive or dead.  When I arrived, they would not let me go further than the ER entrance, but his nurse did tell me he was positive for covid.  Again I was not allowed to see him. 6 days later they told me he might be going back to the nursing center that evening, but within a few hours he took a turn for the worse and went down.  They called me early the next morning and asked if they could give him something additional for the pain he was in.  I begged them to let me see him, and they agreed but said he was actively dying.  I made the 30 minute trip in 20, and was there to say goodbye.  They had given him something that I think hastened his passing, so he was just about gone when I saw him.  I see that face every night when I close my eyes, just remembering the pain etched on it.  The first few months I could not even go grocery shopping, because every aisle had something in it I used to get for him, and I would end up leaving crying.  The news contained nothing but covid,the very thing that killed him......but when I put on music, every song brought back a memory.  Things have gotten better, I'm able to go to the store again, songs don't make me cry as much, and I'm able to begin smiling sometimes now.  But he is in my thoughts constantly and a big piece of my heart is missing.  I do feel lucky because we were both in our 70's, so I figure I don't have long before I get to see my honey again.

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, Gina Mahlan said:

It now has been a year since I lost my forever guy, Damon.

Gina, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  The whole rehab experience and then covid was a nightmare. So incredibly hard on you both.

I am glad you can feel some improvement in the year that has passed. We will always carry our loved ones in our heart, but hopefully we will also be able to live a full and satisfying life while we carry their memory with us.

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here, but I hope you will feel welcome. Post when you are up or down.  We will listen, and provide what support we can.  We understand what a life shattering experience this is, because our lives have been shattered too.  You are not alone, we are on this path too. 

Gail 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

I'd prepare for the worse and learn to live by myself. That's easy said than done I know. 

It's a decision only we can make for ourselves, knowing how we feel right now might change on down the road.

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

I see that face every night when I close my eyes, just remembering the pain etched on it. 

I am so sorry.  Your story is heartbreaking!  This is what I think of when I hear of Covid deaths, it breaks my heart that people can't be with their beloved when they're dying.  It's so inhumane.  You'd think if the doctors/nurses can gown up, we could too!  There are no words adequate, just know my heart goes out to you.

My husband died of a heart attack, suddenly, unexpectedly, I wasn't allowed to be with him when he was dying, they threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me.  I never saw him alive again, the last time his eyes were bulging from pain and it looked anything but peaceful.  We were always together, yet when he needed me the most I was denied the privilege.   I hope that haunting memory begins to loosen it's grip on you in time.  Right now it's super emotional, I hope with time that emotional pain begins to subside some.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[foreverhis]

On 5/18/2021 at 8:35 PM, Gail 8588 said:

But the truth is, it is hard to see that your brain is not working right from the inside.  I blundered through making big decisions while I was a zombie.  Now that I am  thinking better, I can see some of those decisions were crazy. 

For those of you who want another relationship, I wish you the very best. But please recognize that you are very vulnerable right now.  Some people will try to take advantage. 

True, so very true.  I already had some brain fog from my medical conditions.  Add grief brain and...oh boy, I shudder to think how many days I could barely form a coherent thought.  Even now I have days/times where I simply shut down, not intentionally, and I usually end up chastising myself for being "lazy" or something like that.

I believe that our vulnerability draws certain cruel, selfish people to us.  It's not our fault in any way, but it's what we must, absolutely must, guard against as much as possible.  OTOH, if our vulnerability leads us to make foolish/wrong decisions at first, it's important to not berate ourselves for it later.  At least, that's how I think about it.

[Gina Mahlan]

Thank you, KayC, for your thoughtful words.  Yes, I can see that you have some of those same feelings of not being with the person you have loved at the time when they need you the most. It brought me some comfort after he was gone to think of all the families who were going through the very same thing.  Damon passed early in the pandemic, and at that time I took my anger out on the nursing center where he was.  They knew they had covid on their floors, but hid it from other residents and families.  Had I known sooner, I would have made every effort to get him home.  Now, one year later, I take it day to day with the help of God and His Mother.  I value the time I spend on this group forum, knowing although we are all at different stages of our grief, we are all in the same boat!  

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

They knew they had covid on their floors, but hid it from other residents and families.

That is horrible!  Did the authorities ever deal with them for it?  NO excuse!

 

[April Ballou]

I dont agree with the way the hospital did me when Darrell was admitted supposedly due to covid.  They would not even tell him bye or visit or anything until the third week.  Basically because they knew he was going to die so they finally allowed me to see him but through a glass door.  I could have put the same stuff on that they did.  It wasnt until the day of his death did they finally let me go in and hold his hand while he took his last breath.  It wasnt fair for them to do me that way.  

[Gail 8588]

April,

No it wasn't fair.  It was cruel. It is tragic. 

I am so sorry for you, and all the others who were treated this way.

Gail

[April Ballou]

Yes I am sorry for all of us in this forum  we all have suffered .  We all can understand what each other is going @Gina Mahlana

[KayC]

April, I am so sorry, it is really wrong, like I said elsewhere, inhumane.

[April Ballou]

Well life keeps going on and here we are going through things one day at a time.  Monday marked 9 months since Darrells death.  Nobody to cry with, I could have called different people but I didnt.  I dont like to cry in front of people.  My life is just so empty still.  Some days it seems like I'm just going through the motions.  The only help I get is prayer.  This forum has helped.  We all can get through this.

[KayC]

I found that after the first few months no one even remembered his birthday, anniversary of death, etc., but me.  I was truly alone in this.  I had one sister who would bring up his name/memories to me, it meant a lot, but now she's advanced dementia so no one does.

[Gail 8588]

April,

You and I were both married for about the same length of time, 38 years.  It is hard to suddenly be single.  For me it is really the first time in my life that I have lived alone. 

It took me a long time to just figure out a productive noise level in the house that worked for me.  I relied on TV to fill the silence for several years. But that really didn't work well for me, as I sat on the couch too much of the day mindlessly watching Jeopardy reruns or old movies.  Then I would be depressed because I got nothing done all day, spoke to no one, etc.

Now that I am 4 years down this road I have a system that works pretty well for me. I wake up to the radio coming on. It's nice to hear voices speaking to me in the morning  I sometimes leave the radio on all day, but I am not glued to it like I was with the TV on. I can wander  about and get things done in the house or go out on errands or do yard work. I generally don't turn the TV on until 6 when I watch TV while eating dinner.  I'll watch some program in the evening or turn it off and read a book until bedtime.

This has worked out much better for my daily living and my mental health. But it took me a long time to figure that out. 

All sorts of adjustments have to be made to fit our new single existence.  I bought way too much perishable food in the beginning. Then I would be both mad at myself for being wasteful when I threw out rotten food and extremely sad because it was such a reminder that he was gone. "We" would have eaten this. "I" just wasted  all the water and grain used to raise the cow that became  this hamburger meat and now I'm sending it to a landfil still wrapped in its plastic cover and styrofoam tray. I am a horrible person. Swirl downward in self-loathing and self-pity.

Now I only buy perishable food that I am going to eat today or tomorrow.  Everything else goes in the freezer. 

After a lifetime of buying for a family, it is hard to shift to buying for one. 

Slowly we change our routines to ones that work for our new single life.  Eventually these will become our comfortable routines.

Hugs,

Gail 

 

 

[April Ballou]

Thanks @Gail 8588 I am like you this is the first time that I have lived alone.  I went from living with my mother to living with Darrell.  But I dont watch TV.  I do listen to the radio.  I dont stay af home all the time, I go to church, I go grocery shopping and other things.

[DMB]

I am still working on a routine and getting used to being alone.  Me too.  Never been alone until now.  I have the TV on constantly.  When I have to get things done I turn it to the Sirius radio app my kids put  on there for me.  It was kind of cool to finally get rid of all the audio stuff.  Receiver, speakers, etc--it's all through the smart tv's now. If I make it to the bedroom at night, I still have to have the Tv on and it's usually HGTV.  Then the news when I wake.  Netflix has been a God send.  I'm currently watching Dowton Abbey.  There's so many good shows and movies.  This week I purchased a book.  My husband never liked when I read at night while he was watching TV.  I guess I wasn't paying enough attention to him?  I never understood. Looking forward to that.  Reading with no one complaining about it!

Like Gail, I still am throwing out food at times.  I eat a lot of pasta, or just don't cook much during the week, but on the weekends and share it with kids if they're around or if I have company.  I have friends that invite me out or to their house, which I usually always do.   Still working at it, hey at least that hot dog went in my belly instead of the trash!

I also told my sister in law that I counted the number of hours that went by where I didn't speak a word.  Celine Dion used to not talk for entire days to save her voice.

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I dont like to cry in front of people.  My life is just so empty still.  Some days it seems like I'm just going through the motions. 

I hear you there.  I've never been easy crying in front of people, even John.  I was definitely just going through the motions for the first 18 months or so.  I still have days like that, but I'm working on finding purpose and figuring out a way to live the life in front of me.  As I look toward 3 years, I know I've made positive progress forward with a long way to go.  Just keep doing each day and know that there are people who care about you.

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

  For me it is really the first time in my life that I have lived alone. 

It took me a long time to just figure out a productive noise level in the house that worked for me.  I relied on TV to fill the silence for several years. But that really didn't work well for me, as I sat on the couch too much of the day mindlessly watching Jeopardy reruns or old movies.  Then I would be depressed because I got nothing done all day, spoke to no one, etc.

Oh my gosh, Gail, once again I'm thinking, "Me too" with everything you've written.  You could be describing most of my life for quite a while and many days still.

I'm really working on not just thinking/saying, "Tomorrow I will do this-and-this," but actually doing it.  When I do get things done, it's a good feeling.  I've learned to be a little more realistic with exactly how much I can get done on any given day.

So many days it seems like it doesn't matter, even though I know it should.  Learning to live alone has been incredibly strange for me.  It's not that I want other people in the house; I want John here.

[April Ballou]

I understand what you are talking about foreverhis.  I know that life unfortunately does go on and as time goes by things will get easier.  This forum has helped me.   Just knowing that yall really know what I'm going through

[foreverhis]

54 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

I understand what you are talking about foreverhis.  I know that life unfortunately does go on and as time goes by things will get easier.  This forum has helped me.   Just knowing that yall really know what I'm going through

I am having a tough time with sleep tonight...what else is new, right?

I so wish I could just reach through the screen and give you a huge hug.  Talking here, comforting and helping each other, is such a special thing, but of course it cannot fill the gigantic hole that's been ripped into our hearts. 

When I was where you are now, I was still absolutely convinced that I would feel like that for the rest of my life.  I was just starting to see little bits of light and hope, but couldn't really grasp most of them.  I know I am incredibly lucky to have a small, extremely loyal, loving circle of friends and family.  Some are here--literally right across the street, as a little cadre of us neighbors have also become good friends over the years--and some hundreds of miles away physically, but still here for me in so many ways.  I don't take that grace in my life for granted.

Of course we know there's no timeline to grief and that our paths are unique.  I know it's taking me a long time to find my way forward, whereas some people seem to move forward faster.  I have to admit that Gail has been a source of comfort in so many ways these last several months, as we've realized we have many similarities in our lives (besides the fact that our husbands had the same name).  She's ahead of me on her journey, as I am ahead of you.  All I can say now is that what works for me is still that cliche of "one day at a time."  Some days are better than others and some days are so hard, but it is easier now to carry the weight of my grief without it crushing me.  You'll get there and we will be here to walk with you.

[Roxeanne]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Learning to live alone has been incredibly strange for me.  It's not that I want other people in the house; I want John here.

That' s what i have in my heart...i want Giorgio with me! I'm longing for him, i'm looking for him..

How can i find room for another person ? It' s so strange

..

[April Ballou]

I am more and more glad that I joined this forum.   Yall are really alot of help.  Sometimes I wished I had some of y'alls phone numbers.  It would be nice to actually talk to someone when I'm having one of those days.  I dont even want to think about Fathers day.  What is Fathers day without the father of my children?

[KayC]

I'd never really lived alone until George died except a few months when I was young.  Now I've been alone so long I don't know if I could live with anyone again!  It helps to have a routine.  I come on line here and my other grief forum, and my diabetic group and check emails every morning, it takes a few hours.  Then I walk my puppy, maybe do some cooking, then take Kodie for his play date/walk again.  Have dinner.  During the day I may do some chores, go somewhere, etc. but most days am home alone with my pup.  No radio or t.v.  You get used to it although I have yet to prefer it!  I would that George were back, he was my everything, what made the world sparkle!

[April Ballou]

I understand what you mean KayC, Darrell was more than my husband.  He and I were so close.  He knew all my past and I knew his.  I don't like living alone but I don't know if I want another spouse either.  There are days when the day is over fast and other days where I just cry on and off all day.  

[Jemiga70]

Mark loves Sandra, I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry for what happened. I hope you are doing better now than in February. Your story, your grief, your moments of self-reproach resonate with me, as do the words of empathy and advice from all of you dear souls on this thread who've shared your own stories of loss.

Six weeks ago today the light of my life (15 years together, 10.5 yrs married) died suddenly in front of my eyes at the hospital. Waves of grief, sadness and regret avalanche me in unpredictable patterns.

My prayers go out to all of you on this thread. May we all find at least some comfort, in some way, every day.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I don't like living alone but I don't know if I want another spouse either.

I hear you!  There is the crux of the juxtaposition we're in.

[Gail 8588]

Jemiga70, 

I am very sorry for your loss.  It is so unbelievable that the one we hold most dear can so suddenly be gone.  Those who have not lost their soulmate, have no idea how life shattering it is.  Sadly, here we get it. 

I hope you can find some comfort in the posts here. While our journeys are all unique, there are similarities in our experiences. 

My prayers are with you too. 

Gail

 

[Jemiga70]

@Gail 8588 Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I do find comfort in the posts here. This forum, the Lord God, my grief counselor and the Forever Family Foundation are the only things keeping me going.

The worst part, the part that makes all of this so hard to accept, was that my wife was not sick. She was recovering well from a very common, minor surgery that is the surgical equivalent of going through the drive-through. Death came like a gust of wind. I saw Death take her right in front of my eyes. It is beyond life shattering. I still cannot fully accept that she is gone from this Earth plane and will never come back.

[Gail 8588]

Jemiga70,

It is so hard to understand how it can be that they are gone.  You know it is true, but still it just can't be. 

Years ago a friend of ours lost her husband when he was sitting meditating near a stream and a rock high above him fell and killed him.  No one could comprehend how this gentle loving man could just be gone in an instant.   

Even though my husband was in the hospital for 25 days, I was certain he would recover.  When he died, it was as unexpected to me as that rock falling. 

I am glad you have the support of a grief counselor, your faith, and others on the internet to help you through this terrible shock.  

Until you have experienced this type of loss, it is difficult to understand the intensity of the pain, the magnitude of the confusion, the disconnect from life that losing your soulmate can bring. Sadly, those of us here get it, because our lives have been shattered too. 

Come here and vent, share or just read the posts of others.  It helps to know that others feel as you do. That you are not going crazy. That this is grief and it can take a long time to engage in life again.

Hugs,

Gail

 

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

The worst part, the part that makes all of this so hard to accept, was that my wife was not sick. She was recovering well from a very common, minor surgery that is the surgical equivalent of going through the drive-through. Death came like a gust of wind. I saw Death take her right in front of my eyes. It is beyond life shattering. I still cannot fully accept that she is gone from this Earth plane and will never come back.

I am so sorry.  It's hard to wrap one's head around it.  My husband died suddenly/unexpectedly, it seemed impossible, we never saw it coming or expected it.  He'd just turned 51...today should be the day he's 67!  We should be going camping, I should be making him a diabetic birthday cake.  It can take a very long time to process our grief.  It took me over three years, years more to find purpose, years more to build a life I could live...then Covid came along and destroyed it.  It's so hard to assimilate it, I don't even try to understand it...no answers and quit asking why after about a year.

[Mark loves Sandra]

@Jemiga70 Thanks for your kind words about Sandra.  Normally a person says "I can't imagine what you're going through", but well, I KNOW what you're going through, and so does everyone else on this site.  I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your wife.  It's so shocking how the life we took for granted can be gone in an instant.

I've been off this site for a few weeks as I just drift through life and try to come to grips with the idea that I can't "fix" this -- that it's permanent.  You are likely just going day by day not being able to believe it's real.  It's just too horrible.  I have these thoughts that "This kind of thing doesn't happen to me -- it happens to people on the news or in the newspaper that I don't know."  But nope -- it has happened to us.  And it's not going away.  It's too horrible for me to accept.  I used to have dumb thoughts like "Sandra, you can't be dead -- we'll miss our green card interview."  But indeed we missed it.

I wish your wife was still here -- no one should have to go through this.  I'm sorry.

--Mark

[Jemiga70]

@Mark loves Sandra I get it. Sadly, I really really get it.

It's been 2 months to the day for me. When you say "drift through life" and "come to grips with the idea that I can't fix this" I totally hear you. Last Sunday was my wife's birthday. This past week has been the worst week since the first one. All kinds of "woulda / coulda / why didn't we / why didn't I / how come we didn't..... Endless.

And now I'm dealing with a SECOND loss -- obviously not life shattering but disruptive and stressful enough to ratchet up my anxiety to uncomfortable levels -- that is, I need to move out of this apartment and find a new one before end of July. Great. Moving out of the space that was our home. Can't stay here. The lease is up and cannot be renewed.

Sorry, Mark, if I'm venting.... It's just that your story resonated with me (we're about the same age too) and it seems like you get it, you understand.

I wish you well, man. I'm so sorry for what you're going through too.

[April Ballou]

@Jemiga70 that's what this forum is for to vent or just share memories.  We all have suffered the loss of our loved one.  My husband Darrell and I were married 38 years.  I understand what your talking about going through the what's ifs and why's.  It's the holidays and birthdays that are the hardest.  And the 22nd of July would have been Darrell's birthday and the 31st would have been our anniversary.  Don't even want to think about how I'm gonna handle those.  My children who are 37 & 27 have helped alot and so have his mother & step dad.  They call me their daughter. And I call them mom & dad.  God has been my strength and comforter.  I pray for you and all of those in this forum.  It's a never ending struggle.  As much I I miss Darrell and always will I know that God will see me through.