Love of my life died suddenly (covid) and I can't accept it -- so many regrets

[April Ballou]

I agree it doesn't matter if it has been a month or 50 years it will never be enough.  Darrell had 38 wonderful years together, now let me tell you that we had troubles but doesn't all couples have their troubles.  But the love that we shared will never end.  Since I have joined this group it has helped me, being able to communicate with people that truely understand what I am going through.  I do have sympathy with all of you here in this group.  Just know we all are suffering a loss.  And just know we are listening.

[luckystarhongkong]

I just have to go through this process as all of you; After 25 years of marriage my wife passed away suddenly on March 3 2021; really appreciate your sharing as I share many of your feeling. It's so hard to have someone who can understand.

Just can't imagine how quickly our lives are forever changed when our love ones have gone. It pains me to see my wife's photos now...but she was the love of my life...my best friend. I took many of those photos myself.....who can imagine one day I would be picking one of those to be used in her funeral. Those happy memories are heartbreaking now so much so that I find it hard to think of them. The deeper you love, the more painful when your spouse was gone; but can we just stop loving? without true enduring love what's the value of life? Such irony...

[April Ballou]

No the love never stops, or I don't think so.  I think it's that love that keeps us all going.  My husband Darrell and I were best friends, spouses, and everything else.  He was my first and only love.  I need to keep that love alive or I may die myself.  

[Bennie Jets]

8 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

No the love never stops, or I don't think so.  I think it's that love that keeps us all going.  My husband Darrell and I were best friends, spouses, and everything else.  He was my first and only love.  I need to keep that love alive or I may die myself.  

And you can. Absolutely you can.

[luckystarhongkong]

I read all your posts...just like you my wife was my first love....we met each other at 17. She was my best friend and even after 25 years of marriage we still can chat for hours after dinner sitting on the balcony every night. Before she was gone I thought I was the luckiest and happiest man on earth....we were planning our retirement next year; our daughter would go and study aboard; we've been through a lot of tribulations in life and we just want more time together and lead an humble/peaceful life...to grow old together.....but suddenly everything fell apart; the extreme loneliness and emptiness I am feeling now is so unbearable.....

[luckystarhongkong]

I'm addressing Ms April Ballou..sorry I'm newbie dunno how to use the quote function property

[April Ballou]

@luckystarhongkong to use the quote just click on the plus sign before the word quote.  I understand how it is.  Sometimes Darrell and I never spoke a word, we just would look at each other.  I was 16 when I met him, we got married when I was 17.  I never lived with anyone else.  It's the being alone thing that I think is the hardest.  We all have our memories and just like the love, the memories will always be there.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

But even before we said "I do" and signed the papers, we were permanently connected.

We were too.  We wanted to be married, we wanted the world to recognize our union, but it was already as strong as it could be and the years that followed substantiated that!  Not heaven or hell could change this bond!

[KayC]

9 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

I just have to go through this process as all of you; After 25 years of marriage my wife passed away suddenly on March 3 2021; really appreciate your sharing as I share many of your feeling. It's so hard to have someone who can understand.

Just can't imagine how quickly our lives are forever changed when our love ones have gone. It pains me to see my wife's photos now...but she was the love of my life...my best friend. I took many of those photos myself.....who can imagine one day I would be picking one of those to be used in her funeral. Those happy memories are heartbreaking now so much so that I find it hard to think of them. The deeper you love, the more painful when your spouse was gone; but can we just stop loving? without true enduring love what's the value of life? Such irony...

Welcome to our site, you are one of us now, although I wish you were still planning your retirement together...and all of us as well.  I've come to the conclusion that I was so lucky to have met him, to have shared in life with him, even though all too short...the rest of our lives would still not be enough.  I'm glad I believe in eternity together, I know not everyone does and I get that, but I don't know how I could handle it if I didn't.  I have to have that lifeline of hope!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[April Ballou]

These are two pictures of Darrell and myself.  The first one was taken July 31, 1982, our wedding day.  The other was taken July 31, 2002, we renewed our vows on our 20th anniversary.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

We were too.  We wanted to be married, we wanted the world to recognize our union, but it was already as strong as it could be and the years that followed substantiated that!  Not heaven or hell could change this bond!

Exactly!  That was something my parents had trouble understanding because John asked me to move in before we got married, and I did.  Oh, the scandal!  And this was in the early 1980s, not the 1880s.  It was my maternal grandmother who turned the situation around by saying to my mom, "Oh stop it!  They're connected, can't you see it?  They'll be getting married.  Frankly, I kind of wish I'd been able to live with your father before we got married."  My mom just sat there open-mouthed and speechless.  And that was that.

[April Ballou]

@foreverhis Darrell and I lived together before we got married.  It took us going to church with his mom for me to tell him if we are going to be Christians then we need to get married.  So we did.  And never looked back.  There are alot of people that choose to live together, that's their choice.  It should be the couple's decision to get married not anybody else's.

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

"Oh stop it!  They're connected, can't you see it?  They'll be getting married. . . . "

 And that was that.

What a great story!  I love your maternal grandmother for speaking up.   

Gives me hope that something I say or do could have a lasting impact. 

[luckystarhongkong]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Welcome to our site, you are one of us now, although I wish you were still planning your retirement together...and all of us as well.  I've come to the conclusion that I was so lucky to have met him, to have shared in life with him, even though all too short...the rest of our lives would still not be enough.  I'm glad I believe in eternity together, I know not everyone does and I get that, but I don't know how I could handle it if I didn't.  I have to have that lifeline of hope!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Thanks for your kind words. I read your advice already elsewhere on the website and some of them are very useful. One day at a time, that helps. Thinking of all the difficulties in future is just overwhelming when the shock of my wife's departure is not yet over....and you give me hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, although I cannot see it at this moment....I thought I won't be happy again the rest of my life....

It pained me to the core when I saw my daughter changed her IG icon this morning: a photo of her with her mom in Japan; that' the first time she saw snow...we were so happy and we had such a perfect, lovely family and now ....GOSH she's just 14 and god knows how much she is going through....she was so close to her mom. My wife was the best friend of my daughter. She raised her up to be a confident, loving little lady. Me and my wife had been very proud of her.

My wife was such an intelligent and optimistic woman who dragged me through all the difficulties in life. She always gave me hope when hope was gone. She supported and encouraged me at my lowest point. Just when it seemed that all our effort had began to pay off, just when we think that God is merciful and life is beautiful, despite all the difficulties, she's gone. 

Although I have loved her with all my heart, she suffered from ill health for a few years and I just wanted to make her happy and stayed  on her side taking care of her. 32 years together and 25 years of marriage seemed a lot. But like everyone on the site, nothing is enough for our love ones. 

The day when my wife left my daughter rushed into my room at midnight hugging me crying,' how can we live without mom on our side?' I was speechlesss and we were all in tears. 

 

[Gail 8588]

Luckystarhongkong,

I am so very sorry for your loss and for your daughter to have lost her mother.  

It is such a life shattering experience for each of you.  My hope is that your love for each other will help you both through this terrible time.  It will take time to come out of the shock of this loss.  Be kind to yourself, don't expect much of yourself for awhile. It is hard to think clearly. It is hard to understand that the world is still going round when that seems impossible without her in the world. How can it be?  It takes time for your brain to make sense of the world again.

I hope you have the support of family and close friends to help you.  We will do what we can to give you comfort. We understand how hard this is because our lives have been shattered by the death of our true love too. 

Gail

 

 

[luckystarhongkong]

49 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Luckystarhongkong,

I am so very sorry for your loss and for your daughter to have lost her mother.  

It is such a life shattering experience for each of you.  My hope is that your love for each other will help you both through this terrible time.  It will take time to come out of the shock of this loss.  Be kind to yourself, don't expect much of yourself for awhile. It is hard to think clearly. It is hard to understand that the world is still going round when that seems impossible without her in the world. How can it be?  It takes time for your brain to make sense of the world again.

I hope you have the support of family and close friends to help you.  We will do what we can to give you comfort. We understand how hard this is because our lives have been shattered by the death of our true love too. 

Gail

 

 

Thanks Gail. Things seem to be more difficult because of COVID in the US. I read some of the posts in this thread where some of your love ones passed away because of COVID...that's horrible. Here in Hong Kong our problem is more of the dissolution of civil society...the political situation....everything I have grown up with, believe in and got used to, is falling apart within 1 year. I'm a pessimistic kinda person and worried a lot during this time. My wife always comforted me. She's a refuge for me in this crazy world; no matter now absurd/unfair things seemed to be I always found peace after talking to her; she's like my 7/24 counselor; now she's gone and situation here is getting worse day by day; without her support/advise I found myself like a kite with a broken string....I wish I was the one who die...my wife was the tough optimist who could take care of our family well at difficult time. Without her I just dunno what to do....

 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

What a great story!  I love your maternal grandmother for speaking up.   

Gives me hope that something I say or do could have a lasting impact. 

She was awesome.  A stubborn, smart, yet still genteel lady from Virginia.  The youngest of 13(!) children, she was considered the black sheep because she went to college (William and Mary, IIRC) to get an education and a degree, not a husband.  She got a BS in science and a teaching credential, moved out of the family home and into a boarding house for ladies, and got a job teaching science at a boys only high school.  She was an honest to goodness flapper and had her fair share of fun times.  She met my grandpa when she was 27 and they didn't marry until she was 29--ancient in those days.

Even in her later years, she was amazing.  When we were on road trips, she would make up songs, lyrics and tunes, on the fly and have us laughing at her stories.  Yet, she was also a devout churchgoer who did charitable works, kept a garden and canned every year (her plum jam was to die for), and taught me the beginnings of baking.  Oh, and she was about 5' tall and 100 lb soaking wet.  A force of nature for sure.

She also had that kind of personality that let her talk to anybody.  My mom relayed a story about when she and my dad took my grandma to New York one time.  They were in Central Park near the fountain and my parents wanted to get coffee (or something).  My grandma said, "I'm fine.  I'll just sit here for a bit.  Take your time."  Some time later when my parents returned, they saw my grandma sitting there deep in conversation with a nice looking older gentleman.  My mom did a double take and realized the nice looking gentleman was Norman Rockwell!  They walked over, my grandma introduced them, and said something like, "Norman asked if he could sit with me and we were talking about the old days."  Just like that, as if they'd been friends for years.  Then he bought my grandma a cup of coffee before going on his way.  Man, I wish I had stuff like that happen to me!

[kay TX]

On 4/19/2021 at 11:04 PM, luckystarhongkong said:

I just have to go through this process as all of you; After 25 years of marriage my wife passed away suddenly on March 3 2021; really appreciate your sharing as I share many of your feeling. It's so hard to have someone who can understand.

Just can't imagine how quickly our lives are forever changed when our love ones have gone. It pains me to see my wife's photos now...but she was the love of my life...my best friend. I took many of those photos myself.....who can imagine one day I would be picking one of those to be used in her funeral. Those happy memories are heartbreaking now so much so that I find it hard to think of them. The deeper you love, the more painful when your spouse was gone; but can we just stop loving? without true enduring love what's the value of life? Such irony...

True love is real, then, now, and forever.

[KayC]

One day at a time is how I continue, and I try to look for good in every day, those are the two biggest helps I've gleaned to make my way through this.  

@foreverhis, we didn't live together before married, because of our beliefs, but I do agree that it is our hearts joined that make us one, not necessarily any piece of paper!

[luckystarhongkong]

last night at 2am I went and checked if my daughter was asleep. I found her lying on bed sobbing. I sat on her bed and talked to her. S

[luckystarhongkong]

She said she missed mom so badly; just can't imagine how life should go on without her.

My wife bought her a pendant with the words ' mom' on her last birthday. She told her to always remember her when she goes to UK(scheduled next year) and study. Thinking of that, my daughter felt all the more heartbreaking.

I have the same feeling. The bits and pieces of sweet memories, happy as they were, break my heart now. I just don't know how to comfort her. I told her I'm the closest person that you have in the world. If you are in pain please let me know. Let me hug you and cry with you. That won't change anything but that's what family is all about. We not only share happiness, we should share our sorrow too. Let us support each other and walk through this valley of death. I hope we can do that. I'm sure that's what my wife wants us to do.

[Gail 8588]

Luckystar hongkong,

I am so very sorry for your loss and for your daughter to have lost her mother.  

It is such a life shattering experience for each of you. 

Your words of comfort to your daughter were perfect.  I hope your daughter will reach out to you as you asked.  Together you will get through this. 

Hugs.

Gail

 

 

[April Ballou]

@luckystarhongkong you are right that's what family does help each other.  I dont know what I would do without my kids and my in laws, they have been there.  But at the end of the day I am all alone, kids are grown with spouses and kids of their own, my inlaws have each other.  But with Gods help I will make it.  

[luckystarhongkong]

2 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

@luckystarhongkong you are right that's what family does help each other.  I dont know what I would do without my kids and my in laws, they have been there.  But at the end of the day I am all alone, kids are grown with spouses and kids of their own, my inlaws have each other.  But with Gods help I will make it.  

in 3 years time she will go to college; my wife and I always thought that it's normal for her to leave home; I know as we grew older, we missed our children. But she has to fly. She has a whole new world waiting for her to explore and we as parents should feel excited for her.

That was fine for us so long as we can retire to our little sweet home wherever it may be: spending time together, eating together, doing all the little things we enjoy....but that dream has been shattered when my wife was gone. 

Ever since she left I dread of the loneliness after my daughter goes to college; I should let her go; but I wish she can stay for a bit longer. That sounds selfish. But that's the feeling deep in my heart. Perhaps I should began to accept that I may grow old alone. How I missed those 32 years when she was always by my side. But they're gone forever. And I still find it difficult to accept. 

[April Ballou]

@luckystarhongkong I know its gonna be hard but you can get through it.  We are all here to help in any way.  I understand about the dreams Darrell and O were talking about taking a cruise for our 40th anniversary, now there won't even be a 39th much less than anything else.  38 years wasnt enough but at least we had that.  Stay strong for yourself and for your daughter.  

[luckystarhongkong]

2 hours ago, April Ballou said:

@luckystarhongkong I know its gonna be hard but you can get through it.  We are all here to help in any way.  I understand about the dreams Darrell and O were talking about taking a cruise for our 40th anniversary, now there won't even be a 39th much less than anything else.  38 years wasnt enough but at least we had that.  Stay strong for yourself and for your daughter.  

Thank you. It's very kind of you.

[luckystarhongkong]

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Luckystar hongkong,

I am so very sorry for your loss and for your daughter to have lost her mother.  

It is such a life shattering experience for each of you. 

Your words of comfort to your daughter were perfect.  I hope your daughter will reach out to you as you asked.  Together you will get through this. 

Hugs.

Gail

 

 

thank you. I hope so. She's the most extraordinary girl I've ever seen. A mature and tough girl who won't give up easily but full of love at the same time. The moment my wife passed away when I went to see her the last time, she waited outside the ward with my cousin and mother in law; she told my cousin that it would take time for this to heal and we would go through this together and be happy again; she even reminded my cousin to call me often because she knew how much I loved her mother. My wife took meticulous care of her and raised her up to be a good person; I hope that through this loss she would have compassion for those who lose their love ones in future.

[KayC]

You were perfect in your response to her, I hope she can go off to college, if she chooses, and keep her Mom necklace with her for comfort.  You will begin to adjust in time although no one can say when as we're all different.  It'll be hard, for sure, but keep coming here and reading/posting, it helps us to know we're not alone in this.  I miss the days when my kids were around too, now I seldom see them and it adds to my grief pain, but I have done my best to create a bit of a life for myself with my puppy.  Covid hasn't helped, but I hope this social isolation isn't forever.

[Mark loves Sandra]

All,

I'm not sure what good it does to post this, except to expose my own foolishness -- my desperation.  Try not to be too harsh on me.

This all occurred in the last couple of weeks.

Several years before I met Sandra I had a brief relationship with a nice woman (I'll call her "Jane").  While she was no Sandra, it could have turned into more, but life just got in the way.  We drifted apart.

This year, out of the clear blue, on International Women's Day, she messaged me to just say "Hi" and wish me well. [Keep in mind I intentionally use zero social media, so only about 7 people in my life know about Sandra's death -- Jane certainly didn't know].  I was honest and mentioned that it has been rough recently in that I had lost my wife to covid last year.  Jane offered her sincere condolences and let me know she was available to talk if I needed to (however, I've found that when people say this, they usually don't really mean it -- few people outside this forum can stand long discussions about how distraught you are).  I thanked her and let it go at that.

Then in a moment of emotional desperation, I allowed myself to think that perhaps Jane could be my second chance.  I asked her if she would like to meet, and being that she is faaaar away (many flights etc.) she invited me to stay at her house.  I was ecstatic.  So I quickly packed, did all my covid testing, passport, etc. and -- as I left my apartment, blew a kiss to one of the pictures of Sandra on the wall (yeah, how twisted is that???).

When I got there, Jane was hospitable and we had some good conversations and even physical intimacy, and I did my best to not mention Sandra, as I've read that can be very intimidating to other women/men.

 But oh my, the whole visit was torture.  I kept trying to mentally turn Jane into Sandra, or make myself feel about Jane how I felt about Sandra.  I was turning myself into an emotional pretzel.  And the sex felt like I was being immensely disloyal to Sandra.  Like a gut-wrenching betrayal of Sandra.  And as it became painfully clear that Jane was not Sandra, I was disgusted with myself for even considering this visit.  Several nights I very quietly cried myself to sleep with the realization that I hadn't found Sandra in another form.  And from the other side of the coin, Jane deserved much better than someone who was constantly thinking about his dead wife while spending time with her.  

At the end of the visit, we parted as very close friends, but Jane obviously sensed that my heart was not in it and we wished each other well.  I am actually a worse mess now than before  -- and probably deserve it.  Now I've just taken so many steps backwards in realizing how irreplaceable Sandra was.  Which leaves me even more depressed.

As I said at the beginning, I'm not sure what the point of this post is.  Perhaps only the incredibly obvious -- you can't "replace" your loved one.  Duh.

--Mark

[DMB]

You're OK Mark.  Be kind to yourself.  A lesson learned. Keep breathing and going.  It is hard to control impulses at times.  You had a good visit with an old friend.  No shame in that.

[April Ballou]

@Mark loves Sandra don't beat yourself up.  There is nothing wrong with seeing an old friend.  I am glad you put it all out there so we can all see what you are going through.  I'm sure that we all have times when we look at someone and see our loved ones that are gone.  That doesn't make you a bad person.  To me it's normal.  I have been thinking about that myself.  Especially here lately, but every man I see , I see Darrell.  We gave all our love to that one special person.  

[Gail 8588]

Mark,

There is no shame at all in trying to find a way forward.  Clearly, right now, Jane is not the right path.  

We all try things, we all stumble and fall, but we keep getting back up and put one foot in front of the other.

You are so young, I truly hope you find love again.  Right now, your grief over Sandra is probably too raw to make something else work.  But sometime in the future, Jane or someone else, may help you to feel alive again.  She won't replace Sandra.  Sandra will always be in your heart. But don't feel bad about trying to find love again.  I admire you for trying to give it a go.  I think it is a lot braver than my crying in my closet for a year. (But we  - you and I - are in very different places in our lives, and crying in my closet was sort of what I needed.)

Anyway, our paths are uniquely our own.  You tried something, and it didn't feel right for you right now.  You step back and try another path for now.  It's all good.

Gail

[Perro J]

Mark,

I am going to poke a little fun at you - not meant in a belittling way - I truly want things to go well for you. But you're an engineer right? You drew up the blueprint with the necessary parts in the right places and it sure looked as if it would work on paper, didn't it? While I am certain you are a very competent engineer - I am willing to wager that at least a couple of the things you've designed in your life didn't quite perform as specified?

The others here have already said it best. Don't beat yourself up over this. In fact, I applaud you for trying.

I joined a dating website about a week after my love passed away. I got exactly zero dates from it - but it was where I met her - and I however goofy my mind was working at the time, I thought that would be a way to "find her" or "replace her". I mean, it worked once before... The best laid plans.

I am lonely. It would be nice to go out on a date. Just to have some company. I don't know how that will work out. I'll certainly want to stay in the shallow end of the pool to start. Maybe sharing your experience will inspire me to at least try.

You already stated the obvious too: You can't replace her.

I'm not sure much more needs to be said. Hang in there my friend.

 

[Mark loves Sandra]

Thank you ladies for not berating me for "cheating" on Sandra (because that's how it felt).  You have empathy that is most humbling.

And @Perro J:  As Jane draped an arm around me, I literally thought of your post when you mentioned getting on a dating site a week after your angel died -- desperately trying to "find" her again.  I laid there thinking "I'm doing the exact same damn thing as Perro -- trying to find Sandra -- and it is most definitely NOT working."  Cue the tears (quietly so Jane couldn't see).   And yeah, you're absolutely right -- this design looked a whole lot better on paper.  Not one of my finer moments.

--Mark

[LMR]

Mark.

We are all lonely. We want to be loved. We want to be hugged again. We want to feel whole. Its all unfamiliar territory. We are desperate to escape the clutches of grief and maybe sometimes we will make crazy decisions that for a moment held a glimmer of hope. Don't be hard on yourself, you're just trying to cope.

As for feeling you're cheating. I feel I am cheating every time I eat a chocolate! In a way we don't want to be happy because we can't handle the guilt.

[Sparky1]

Mark, you know, the first little while when my wife passed away, I was so overwhelmed that I also thought that I needed to find another woman. The brain is very funny, I wanted to feel less lonely, less sad, and less heartbroken. I understand why you went out with Jane, and you're human, so I can relate. 

I didn't search for another woman afterall, and now, I feel exactly like you, that I would be cheating on my wife. It's not an easy situation, I still feel that I have to honour and respect my wife, just like I did all through our relationship. I can't predict the future, but another relationship is not on the horizon. I don't know how I would handle it, maybe it would just be a companionship at the most. I love my wife very much, I feel like I would be abandoning what we had. Mark, your outcome with Jane just shows how truly in love you were and are with Sandra.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

Thank you ladies for not berating me for "cheating" on Sandra (because that's how it felt).  You have empathy that is most humbling.

Oh Mark, of course we won't berate you!  You are a human being going through the absolute worst thing possible.  We make our way through however we can.  Sometimes we find something that helps and other times our vulnerability leads us in a direction that ends up being wrong.  I don't mean to be, um, preachy and definitely don't mean to belittle the enormity of what you went through these last few weeks, but you know you're not the first person, man or woman, to do something like this right?  I know for sure there are other members here who have similar stories because sometimes they talk about them.

I think it's natural to want to find something, anything, that we feel might connect us to our soulmates.  Sometimes that's bound to be in the form of a person, especially someone we know.  In your case, you had the "what if" in the back of your mind.  It's not at all surprising that "what if" would lead you to find out.  What you found out is that it's not right for you at least not right now and maybe not ever.  That doesn't make you wrong, though it obviously tore you up inside.  I'm really glad that your friend was understanding and I hope you are able to remain friends with her because we need all the support we can get.

Besides the fact that I was a month shy of 60 when John died and had 35 years with him, I know that it would be supremely unfair even if I met a very nice man because I would be comparing him to John.  That's not fair to him or to me or really to John.  You've figured out that that's what you were doing and probably would do no matter how nice a woman is.  Maybe in time; maybe not.

For now, consider it a learning experience and for pity's sake stop beating yourself up about it (if you can).

[Roxeanne]

17 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

Like a gut-wrenching betrayal of Sandra.  And as it became painfully clear that Jane was not Sandra, I was disgusted with myself for even considering this visit.  

This thing of betrayal..for me betrayal them is not looking for joy again in our life!

The cliché that they want us to be happy in our life without them has always bothered me...when someone said it to me, i mentally roll my eyes to the sky thinking: well if he wants me to be happy, he should have stayed  with me...i was happy with him!

But in some way the cliché is true...no one who loves someone wants them to be sad and miserable!

The mistake that i'm doing is looking for him in other people...no one can be him!

But i'm missing him so hard that i'm trying to find him everywhere !

Maybe i am not ready to meet someone else...they are an another person, it's not right force them to be what they can not be!

But it's a working in progress ...maybe one day we will be free and ready to meet someone else and appreciate them for what they are !

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

 But oh my, the whole visit was torture.

You are far too hard on yourself, and you won't get berating here!  This is the hardest thing in the WORLD to go through!  You are realizing Sandra is gone, you are alone, and frankly that can lead us to feeling desperate sometimes, we ARE lonely, anxious, heartbroken, no clarity of mind, in a grief fog, this is hard to assimilate, let alone process!  And we are immensely vulnerable.  Jane was familiar, someone you knew so when she sent that text, it felt a friendly word from someone you knew,, we don't get a whole lot of that anymore!  

At LEAST you didn't marry her!  No one is as stupid as I was!!  And to think I got taken in by a CON who ruined me financially, yet had no intention of being a real husband or living with me...well I have egg on my face!

You did not betray Sandra, but I know you feel it, yep, I did too, I wondered how I could do such a thing when we had the greatest love there ever was!  I heard a Dr. Phil show explain it once, he said, it was BECAUSE you had such a great relationship that you wanted that again.  Of course we all know we're not going to find another George or Sandra, but we got desperate enough to want SOMETHING!

I now know it's best to be on our own long enough to be USED to it, to not crave a relationship for the sake of filling that void, to learn to be our all to ourselves, to value ourselves, it took me years to learn that but I have now.   

And nothing about this was a waste, you've learned a lot through this.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

trying to find Sandra

Gosh, I remember searching the whole house, shop, property, I remember telling my son, "He is not here!  Trust me, I LOOKED!"

We are literally out of our minds in/with grief.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

no one who loves someone wants them to be sad and miserable!

I remember George and I talking about that...I didn't personally see how I'd ever be with anyone but him, but I remember telling him he wasn't meant to be alone.  He argued at first and said, "Well I'd never marry her."    I told him it wouldn't be fair for "her" to be his companion and NOT marry her, he was quiet then.  Basically, I was telling him it was okay if I died and not to feel guilty.  We loved each other more than anything in the world, I'd never want him to go through what I have been through these last nearly 16 years!

[April Ballou]

And by all means no one or nobody can replace our loved ones, @Mark loves Sandra, Sandra was and still is the love of your life just like George was and still is to @KayC, and just as Darrell was and still is to me.  Along with all the others in this forum.  We all have had a major loss in our lives.  There is no way to replace them, but there may be someone that we could at least have someone to cry with or hold us at night.  I dont know I know that this is the worst of all pains that I have ever had.  Still catch myself crying.  Will it ever end?  I dont think so even if I was to find someone to cry on their shoulder.

[KayC]

And it's not like we have a manual telling us how to handle this, we make mistakes along the way but have to try to be understanding of and kind to ourselves, this is the hardest journey we've ever been called upon to do!

[April Ballou]

We can do it together.

[KayC]

Yes!  We ARE doing this, together.

[April Ballou]

Just wanted to say how glad I am that I found this forum, it really helps having people truely understand what you are going through.  Well yesterday was Mothers day and it was my birthday.  Another day of crying and missing Darrell.  He was always the first one to tell me happy birthday, or happy Mothers day.  He would always give me a hug and kiss.  But like all the other days hes gone and I'm all alone.  My kids did take me to a resort Saturday where I was able to sit in a jacuzzi, followed by sitting in a salt room, then getting a pedicure.  Enjoyed being with my kids but they could have saved their money and just went to church with me.  But then when I came home I was all alone.

[luckystarhongkong]

44 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

Just wanted to say how glad I am that I found this forum, it really helps having people truely understand what you are going through.  Well yesterday was Mothers day and it was my birthday.  Another day of crying and missing Darrell.  He was always the first one to tell me happy birthday, or happy Mothers day.  He would always give me a hug and kiss.  But like all the other days hes gone and I'm all alone.  My kids did take me to a resort Saturday where I was able to sit in a jacuzzi, followed by sitting in a salt room, then getting a pedicure.  Enjoyed being with my kids but they could have saved their money and just went to church with me.  But then when I came home I was all alone.

glad to hear your kids took time to be with you. I'm sure they did want you to be happy on Mother's day. My 14yo daughter spent her first mother's day without her mother. She told me she felt sad to see people selling/holding flowers. On her instagram she posted she missed her mom a lot. That's heartbreaking.

2 months passed since my wife passed, I begin to sense that my cousin and mother in law, though trying to be supportive, are no replacement for my soulmate my love of my life; Yesterday I was finding it particularly lonely and called them to have a cup of tea. I was talking about my difficulties but was always interrupted. Maybe they've tired of my rambling and thought that I should get over it. I'm the kind of person who don't like to reach out. I don't think anybody except my wife would care . How I missed those never boring conversations with my wife. We knew each other inside out. 

Eventually perhaps I have to face the pain and loneliness all by myself. I am learning. There's no alternative.

Belated happy birthday. It's my daughter's 15 birthday tomorrow: her 1st birthday without her mom. I'd expect a lot of tears. 

[April Ballou]

@luckystarhongkong I'm sure sorry that your daughter is dealing with this.  Maybe yall could do something together for her birthday, something she likes to do.  This is a very hard thing to deal with for anybody.  Next month will be Fathers day, it will be my kids first Fathers day without their dad.  They stay busy, between kids and jobs.  I dont have anything or anybody at my house to talk to.  So I pray and talk to God.

[KayC]

April, all the same, I'm glad your kids DID something special for you, that's important, after all, look what you did for them!  I didn't hear from my kids until bedtime, they called.  Happy belated birthday!  And a Jacuzzi sounds wonderful!  Just spending time with my kids would be wonderful, regardless of where/what we did.  Now I understand my mom better because she used to say things like that, but then we always remembered not only her important days, but all the time in between.

5 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

It's my daughter's 15 birthday tomorrow: her 1st birthday without her mom.

I hope you can spend time together doing something she wants and that she feels special/loved/cared about by you, that's the main thing.  Of course it will be sad without her mom, but your love will mean a lot to her too.

[April Ballou]

You are right @Kay C.  I am very glad to have my children take time and spend with me.  They have alot going on and I thank God that they did that for me.  This is something that we are all going through.  But together we can do it.