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Love of my life died suddenly (covid) and I can't accept it -- so many regrets


Mark loves Sandra

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Mark loves Sandra

@DMB

DMB,

Thanks for the thoughts.  It means a lot that you read my story.  Somehow it helps that people read about Sandra.  That's the one thing that helps with people on this forum -- when they say

6 minutes ago, DMB said:

Sorry you are in so much pain.  It sucks.  I know.

they actually DO know.  You know.  So when someone here offers sympathy, it's coming from a position of truly knowing the deep, soul-crushing pain our losses cause.

Thank you,

--Mark

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23 hours ago, DMB said:

I replied back that it could be worse, you could be dead.  I probably should have just let it go, but I didn't.

It's how I felt when my sister constantly complained about her husband, she's very disabled and he took complete care of her.  He loved her, now he's dead five months ago from sudden cancer.  NOW she "gets it" and wishes she'd appreciated him while she had the chance.  It's a hard lesson.

So hard to listen to people's petty complaints after what we've been through and live with!

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April Ballou

Mark loves Sandra I know how you feel.  Almost everyday I cry myself to sleep.  Thinking about the what ifs and the whys.  It's almost six months and Darrell is still in my heart and my mind.  With that kind of love it never goes away.  I am still trying to figure out how I am going to spend the res of my life alone.  It's not easy, but I pray everyday and I know with Gods help I can make it.  Still miss Darrell, I wish that he would walk through the door telling me that he just got back from wherever.  But unfortunately that's not gonna happen.  My life as Mrs. Darrell Ballou is over, now I have to learn how to be April Ballou.

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Mark, as you describe our future without them, that is my life.  This is a rest-of-our-lives thing.  Yes the pain lessens eventually, we adjust, we cope, we have no choice.  But living without them is the hard part.  I'm forever reminded of how different it'd be if he were here.  I know comparisons are real joy-killers and I do my best to have positive attitude and live in this present moment, one day at a time, appreciating what is, but I'm the first to admit it takes concerted effort and sometimes we all struggle, no matter how many years it's been!

14 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Thinking about the what ifs and the whys.  It's almost six months and Darrell is still in my heart and my mind.

So many say six months is one of the hardest periods, shock wears off, reality sets in, support dries up, and you're left reeling as to how to do this.  We're here for you, any time you want to vent, cry, scream, we're here.  

 

14 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I am still trying to figure out how I am going to spend the res of my life alone. 

One day at a time.  Try not to think about the whole "rest of your life," it's too much to bite off.  Some things require planning. but we do not have to give undue attention to the future beyond logistics like budgeting, taxes.  The bible says not to worry about tomorrow, each day has trouble enough of its own.  I think that's been great advice for me; I am a born worrier and deal with GAD as well, so it's something I deal with all the time, quoting scriptures in the middle of the night to calm myself.  I like reading affirmations, I post a scripture a day on FB and recently finished a series of them on God's Promises, and another series on Prayer.  They were very uplifting and encouraging!

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April Ballou

I think the hardest part is getting around groups when we would go together somewhere and come in separately they would ask wheres Darrell or wheres April, nowit seems like I get this pitiful look.  I dont want pity.  I want the love of my life back, or to at least give him 1 more hug, kiss, and to tell him I love him.  I know that other people love their husband or wife, but it seemed like we had the kind of love other people wished they had.  And you can't replace that kind of love no matter what.

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19 hours ago, April Ballou said:

it seemed like we had the kind of love other people wished they had. 

We did too.  :wub:

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foreverhis
20 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I know that other people love their husband or wife, but it seemed like we had the kind of love other people wished they had.

John and I did too.  I think it's one thing that makes us search for a place we can talk about a love that so many never have and some don't even understand.  We're the ones who know it's true that the deeper the love, the deeper the pain of loss.

His sister, who we're very close to, commented to us and to me a number of times over the years that she loves her husband, but it's not the cell-deep connection she saw in us in even the most mundane of times. 

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April Ballou

Your right foreverhis, I know that there are people like Darrell and I, really truly in love.  I don't mean to make it sound like that we are the only ones.  It's just I met this man and 8 months after we met we were married, sure we had our ups and downs, sure we struggled with money, but we did it together.  Now I have to do it all by myself.  I went from living at home with my mother to living with Darrell.  Now for the first time in my whole life I am living by myself. It's just a lot to take in all at once.

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foreverhis
On 3/5/2021 at 1:15 PM, April Ballou said:

Your right foreverhis, I know that there are people like Darrell and I, really truly in love.  I don't mean to make it sound like that we are the only ones.  It's just I met this man and 8 months after we met we were married, sure we had our ups and downs, sure we struggled with money, but we did it together.  Now I have to do it all by myself.  I went from living at home with my mother to living with Darrell.  Now for the first time in my whole life I am living by myself. It's just a lot to take in all at once.

Oh, I didn't mean my reply to imply that you were saying you and Darrell are the only ones with that kind of love.  I apologize for making it seem that way.  I guess I mostly just wanted to make sure you know that when you're here, you are with people who truly "get it."

John and I knew each other first as "friends of friends" and then casual friends who were in the same social circle (community theater and music).  We started to get to be actual friends and then finally he asked me out.  That first day we spent together and then went to the theater for the show we were both involved with (stage tech for me that time; musical director and conductor for him).  After we got back to his place from the theater, we sat up talking and talking until the wee hours.  I had been planning on staying at my folks place as it was only 10 minutes from his apartment because I didn't want to drive nearly an hour home only to turn around and come back to the theater for the Sunday matinee.  He said he didn't want me driving because the bars had closed, but he didn't want me to get the wrong idea either.  So technically we "spent the night," but we didn't...you know...until a number of months later when we were both 100% sure.  But from that first day, practically the first moment on, we were an "us."  We were married less than a year later.

It was amazing to me to find a partner who saw me, knew me, accepted me flaws and faults and all, and loved me anyway.  Not that he was perfect either, of course.  No one is.  But we were perfect for each other.  Life threw us many challenges, but we made it through each one.

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16 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Now for the first time in my whole life I am living by myself.

My sister was married for 50 years and her husband died 5 months ago, suddenly (cancer) 5 days after being told it metathesized, this is her first time on her own too.  She's had to learn to accept help and ask for it when needed.  She's doing it.  

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April Ballou

I understand, it's that deep love that we all have lost.  It's so hard.  I had one of his family members asking me why I wasnt going to go to his family reunion.  I feel like it is just too much at once. They claim that they wouldn't do that, but they dont know what they would do unless it happens to them.  Our lives will never be the same.

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foreverhis
On 3/5/2021 at 1:15 PM, April Ballou said:

Now for the first time in my whole life I am living by myself. It's just a lot to take in all at once.

It really is.  I had never lived by myself either.  So it wasn't just figuring out how to keep breathing each day, it was figuring out how to both be without him and be on my own.  Honestly, for the first several months I was a virtual hermit, only having our very closest friends and family visit.  Being alone wasn't all bad in that way because I could talk to my love, yell at the universe/God, cry and cry and cry (I have trouble crying in front of others), eat what and when I wanted/could, sleep on my schedule (on the sofa; I could not handle just "going to bed" in our bed), and not worry that someone was going to call the men in their little white coats to take me away.

Now that I'm further down my path, taking little steps more often, I'm learning how to be stronger (real strength, not "the brave face") and more confident.  I still talk to John, ask for his advice, and feel his presence.  Even though I know I'm really talking things through with myself, it helps me to include, "What would John decide/think about this?" "What questions would he ask the contractors?" "How would he handle this repair?" etc.

I had to drive into town today for several short errands and my route took me past a couple of places that are particularly emotional/painful for me, so I avoid them like the plague (so to speak).  I was stressing about it and feeling down.  Almost every time I got back in the car and turned on the radio, the song that was coming on was about eternal love.  I know I often grasp for meaning and signs, but I can't help but think that John sent them to me with "Time in a Bottle" as the first one, especially because it's not the first time that's happened when I'm feeling particularly lonely and get upset that he was, we were, robbed of so much.  I hadn't thought of or heard that song in 20 years, but there it was to remind me of all the love we share and the gift we have given each other.

It still seems so strange to wake up and have that fleeting moment before I'm fully awake when I forget, but I am also getting more comfortable as my own self.  He is with me and always will be.  We're just not walking the same road right now.

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April Ballou

I know what you are talking about forever his, the song " If you get there before I do" makes me cry, of course a lot of things make me cry.  I dont like crying around people so when I'm around people I do my best and hold it together and then cry when I'm alone.  I understand about getting emotional  when you pass something or somewhere we went together, a few months ago I passed by a business that Darrwll and I went to and started crying, it sure is hard to drive when you are crying.  I just wished I could get one more hug, or one more kiss.  But those days are gone.

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foreverhis
On 3/1/2021 at 10:31 AM, Mark loves Sandra said:

Somehow it helps that people read about Sandra.

As painful as it is for you to tell us or others about your wonderful Sandra, I do understand what you mean by this.

Every time I tell a story about John or the two of us, here or with newer friends, or when family and almost-life-long friends reminisce, it feels as if I'm keeping him alive.  I believe if I don't, if I let his memory fade, then it will be as if he died all over again.

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Mark loves Sandra
7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I believe if I don't, if I let his memory fade, then it will be as if he died all over again.

@foreverhis -- Exactly.  You get it.  I feel the need to convince myself Sandra wasn't just some wonderful dream.  Yet each day is one more day since she was alive and with me.  It feels like each passing day takes me farther away from her.  It seems like it was only yesterday that I was stroking her hair in the casket.  But it was almost 3 months ago now.  Each day takes her farther away from me. She's slipping away and I can feel it. Soon she'll just be a set of pink flipflops by the couch and a flowery dress in the closet.  I'm frantic to hold onto her. I stopped using the tube of Crest toothpaste from Brazil because I don't want it to run out.  I read the Portuguese instructions on the back of the toothpaste and cry. I'm a mess. Dammit.

--Mark

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@Mark loves SandraShe will not slip away from you. I went through a phase when it almost felt like my husband had never existed. After 48 years together! I think it is just another coping mechanism, it will pass. I am at six months now. Often I find that people will avoid talking about him because they don't want to make things worse. They don't realise that we want to talk about our love all the time. Sadly I do not have voice or video recordings.

I can't live that life any more but I can still relive the memories. They seemed hard to recall properly in the beginning but they have become stronger and I will nurture them.

Lyn

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foreverhis
5 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

 I'm a mess. Dammit.

Of course you are.  How could you not be?  I don't know how this will come out, but...We often expect men to be super stoic and strong, almost as if they should not show any sadness or grief, but instead, "put on a brave face and get over it."  So many people consider men showing the depth of their love and other "feminine" emotions as a sign of weakness.  Bollocks to that!  Certainly men and women are very different--and isn't that wonderful?  In some ways men do tend to be more self-contained with some of the "softer" emotions.  But men and women are no different when it comes to losing the loves of our lives.  Why on earth do we expect men to handle this all encompassing grief internally and without help?  It's beyond me.  My husband was a strong man, a protector and provider.  He was honest, kind, and loyal.  Imperfect to be sure, but he managed to be strong without being "in your face" macho and wasn't afraid to show his soft side.

You are still so early in your grieving, even though I suspect there are days when it seems as if it's been forever.  We cycle around, up and down and backwards, but it's always there, it's always with us in every breath and every memory.  All anyone should expect from you and all you should expect from yourself is to just get through each day, one at a time.  With time and patience, the sharp, jagged edges tend to soften as we take steps forward, carrying both our love and our grief with us.

I understand all too well how time makes our soulmates seem as if we simply made them up as a fantasy or a dream.  For me, tangible reminders like his hoodie, hat, and backpack hanging by the door and his toothbrush and toothpaste in the cabinet are so important.  I can see and touch them, so I can tell myself, "Yes, my love touched this, he wore these things.  He was real and is mine, as I am still his."  I know others who haven't (yet) experienced this may not understand why I simply cannot clean his hairbrush.  Those are strands of his hair, tiny physical bits of him that remain in this world and with me.

At one point, maybe about 4 or 5 months after he died, I was desperate to hear his voice.  I mean seriously losing it.  I remembered that he had taken a whole bunch of little videos of our granddaughter in the month after she was born and he talked to her while he was making them.  I got on his computer and searched until I found them.  Then I let them play one after another while the tears streamed down my face.  But it was one of the ways I brought him back to me, just listening to his wonderful, calming, loving voice.  One of them had been taken by our daughter of him holding the baby and talking to her.  I sobbed and sobbed, but part of me was so relieved to have one more thing tell me that he was here, that he loved and was loved, and that our love story did not end just because he's not with me now.

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Mark loves Sandra

@foreverhis

Just beautiful.  You understand.  Thank you.

--Mark

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April Ballou

I understand that feeling yesterday made six months since Darrell passed away, in the past six months I dont know what I would have done without my children or my in laws.  I have 1 short video that I can see Darrell wave and say hi.  I keep it as a reminder of his smile and his voice.  As far as his looks all I have to do is see my son, even though it's not the same but he looks just like his daddy, except he has my hair color and my eyes.  I still wear my wedding ring and I wear his, I sleep with a stuffed wolf that he bought me last valentines day in 2020, the worst year.  It's those little things that keep him with me even though hes gone.

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17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Every time I tell a story about John or the two of us, here or with newer friends, or when family and almost-life-long friends reminisce, it feels as if I'm keeping him alive. 

And you are.  Thank you for sharing with us, you are ever helping those here.

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Mark loves Sandra

@Kklk2242

Like you and @Sparky1, I lost my wife very quickly late last year (see my original post on this thread) and can't seem to get over it.  Like your Lissey, Sandra was my everything.  And the fact the you lost Lis despite feeling you were a very good husband is a testament to the unfairness of our losses.  I was not an ideal husband because I didn't take my wife's illness seriously.  And I was sometimes frustrated with Sandra and I let it show through.  So to your point in your thread -- sometimes I wonder if my special gift was taken away because I didn't take good enough care of it.  At the very least Sandra was disappointed that I didn't stay with her, and at worst, well . . . at worst I imagine that her immune system was compromised by my lack of concern -- that I had a hand in her death.

So KK, we are all suffering with you.  Losing the woman you sat on the couch and watched movies with is something that should not have happened.  I'm so glad you know you were a good husband to her.  If only we had more time with these special people in our lives.  Just more time.

--Mark

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This is such a horrible story.  I hate being part of this awful club.

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Mark loves Sandra

All,

And for this week's salt in the wound, the notice below arrived on Wednesday.  After 2.5 years of endless paperwork, medical exams, bloodwork, fingerprinting, interviews, etc.,  Sandra and I finally were granted an interview for a (temporary) green card for her (next step in the process would have been to apply for a permanent green card).  Anyone who thinks it's easy to become a resident in this country is woefully mistaken.  The interview is scheduled for March 30, at the Chicago field office of US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS).  I had to summon all my courage to write a letter to USCIS and explain that we won't be able to attend the interview. I got tears all over the envelope as I was sealing it.  F**k

--Mark

form.jpg.d3e98abb8d46f4a4e3127c32e200a95a.jpg !

@Perro J This  is what you two eventually would have been working toward.  Neither of us made it to the finish line.

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Perro J

It pains me to see that for you. A document that should have been an important milestone now rendered useless.

I know my love had spent over $5K on her immigration lawyer. All for naught.

Especially painful to me is to know the quality of her character and know that she would be an asset to any country she chose to reside in. The immigration system is FUBAR and there is no end to the frustration when dealing with it. I admire that you were able to get to that point but I know that is no consolation now.

I'm sorry amigo.

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foreverhis
34 minutes ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

And there's a tendency to think your own pain is especially acute, your loss especially traumatic, your loved one particularly special.  But this forum gives lie to that -- a whole page full of people in agony, stunned that their special person is gone.

I most respectfully disagree about one thing.  It is not a lie to think that your/our own pain is especially all the things you mention.  It is, it absolutely is.  If you ask anyone, "Which is the worst loss?  Who has the most pain?" the answer will and should be, "Mine."  The reason is both simple and incredibly complex:  The worst loss, the deepest pain, and the most devastating is our own because it has happened to us and our one essential love.  How can it be otherwise?

In the time I've been a member here, a number of people have asked questions like, "Which is worse:  Sudden loss or loss after long-term illness?"  Quite simply, the answer is "Whichever one is your own."  There can be no comparison of our unique and personal grief journeys.  But it does help to know that I am not walking this painful road alone.

It's true as well that coming here drives home the truth of how many of us have lost our soulmates.  It's also true that finding others who get it and understand in ways no one else can be and usually is extremely helpful.  But something I read in a novel years and years ago has always stuck with me.  Two people were comparing wars and trying to determine which was "worse" based on deaths, etc.  The gist was (paraphrased because I can't remember exactly) that all wars are equally devastating because each death is individual and only comes once to each person.  I believe it's similar for all of us.

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foreverhis
1 hour ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

I like it because it gives me license to think that my bond to Sandra was one-in-a-million and her death was the Mt. Everest of tragedies.  At least that's how it feels.  But I know that's how each person feels.

It feels that way to you because it is.  Your bond with Sandra was (and I suspect in many ways, is) unique and special beyond the riches of Solomon.  (Yeah, a Biblical reference even though I no longer practice that faith specifically.)  The gift you and she gave each other cannot be measured by, well, anything.  Your love is without compare.  And it absolutely should feel that way to you.  Unfortunately for all of us here, the pain and grief we bear now is the price we pay for finding that once-in-a-lifetime soulmate who truly saw us and "got" us and loved us in spite of all our faults and foibles, as we loved them.  I wish I could reach through this screen to just hold your hand for a moment so you could look into my eyes and know I am speaking the truth.

1 hour ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

But I know that's how each person feels.  I know that because some people on here have essentially described my exact feelings and my pain -- can't do that without walking in my shoes.  Apparently we're all wearing the same shoes. 

This is true as well.  It's why we stay once we've found this group.  To have our pain heard and understand is a gift we can give each other now as we make our way through the dark.  The members here have helped me in ways I cannot describe fully.  Those who are ahead of me on the journey have lighted the way so I don't fall back into the bottomless pit of despair (at least, not as often).  Now that I have slowly and often painfully moved forward, baby step by baby step, for coming up on 3 years, I hope that I can do that for others.  It's the only way to survive, IMO.  That saying about "walking a mile" in someone else's shoes in order to understand them applies here for sure--though I hope you'll pardon my joke that I'm not sure you'd like wearing my size 7 "girlie" walking shoes in pink and teal.:wink:

 

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Brazil Man
10 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

@Brazil Man is quiet, but he reads these posts and misses his Brasileira dearly.  Meanwhile he struggles with the pandemic ravaging Brazil.

@Mark loves SandraThanks for remembering me. I am really reading the posts.

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15 hours ago, April Ballou said:

here I am in my house all alone.  If I died nobody would even know.

I know, this is my concern also as I have a puppy I don't want left alone.  I've asked my son to make sure I've posted on FB every day or look into it!  I hope that he does.  I have neighbors that I would hope would look into it if I did not appear for a day (I walk 2-3 times a day), but beyond that, I don't have any friends that check on me.  Right now I have a sister I talk to every day but she will likely be gone in the not too far future so even she won't be around to miss me.  It is a weird feeling to be so isolated.

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Mark loves Sandra
On 3/20/2021 at 2:42 AM, foreverhis said:

Your bond with Sandra was (and I suspect in many ways, is) unique and special beyond the riches of Solomon.  (Yeah, a Biblical reference even though I no longer practice that faith specifically.)  The gift you and she gave each other cannot be measured by, well, anything.  Your love is without compare.  And it absolutely should feel that way to you.

Foreverhis:  thank you so much for saying this.  I know each of us feels this way, but for some reason it really helps me to hear another person who knows this agony describe my feelings for Sandra so well.  In a way it validates my feelings that are bouncing around in my head.

 

On 3/20/2021 at 2:42 AM, foreverhis said:

That saying about "walking a mile" in someone else's shoes in order to understand them applies here for sure--though I hope you'll pardon my joke that I'm not sure you'd like wearing my size 7 "girlie" walking shoes in pink and teal.:wink:

Really???  Size 7 pink and teal ???  That exactly describes Sandra's "tênis" (Brazilians call tennis shoes /tennies/).  And she was nothing if not "girlie".  Sure do miss when we'd be about to go someplace and she would hold up those tiny pink and teal shoes and ask "Tênis ou outros?" ("Tennis shoes or something else?").  Yep, sure miss that.

--Mark

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foreverhis
2 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

Really???  Size 7 pink and teal ???

Yep, they're my favorites.  In fact, they're getting pretty crummy looking, so I'm going to have to go hunt down a new pair.  Such a silly thing, but it makes me feel I know just a little bit more about Sandra.  What a sweet memory, though I'm sure it brings you pain right now.  I'm sorry about that.  But hold on to all of those small, precious thoughts and images because down the road a bit, you'll be able to smile when you remember.

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Wow, what's the odds foreverhis would mention specifically pink and teal tennies!  And that's what your Sandra wore.  A good memory...

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foreverhis
7 hours ago, KayC said:

Wow, what's the odds foreverhis would mention specifically pink and teal tennies!  And that's what your Sandra wore.  A good memory...

Isn't that something?  I don't know why I thought to mention my shoes in such detail.  It just popped into my head.  I remember another time some months back, when I mentioned some song lyrics that resonated with me in relationship to what another member posted.  He replied that the song I quoted had been "their" song and that his love used to sing it to him.  And that it made him cry, but in kind of a good way, feeling their love even more.

I can't help but wonder if our soulmates sometimes give us a little "push" in the right the direction to help us connect better with each other.

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17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I can't help but wonder if our soulmates sometimes give us a little "push" in the right the direction to help us connect better with each other.

Or maybe it's meant to be, it's affirming of their love and the things that meant a lot to them!

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Mark loves Sandra

Hi All,

I'm just going through the motions of life.  I'm having problems because -- beyond overwhelming sadness and crushing guilt -- the last 3 years of my life were consumed with making a life with Sandra.  There was so much we both had to do to build a life together.  The English lessons (for her), Portuguese lessons (for yours truly), benefits changes with employers and governments, her resigning her government position, figuring out government pension details, tax requirements, me adding her to my benefits, car insurance, her selling everything she owned or giving it to her adult children, buying some (any) furniture because women don't like to eat dinner sitting on the floor, arranging frequent flights to/from Brazil, and on and on and on.  And then there was the non-stop immigration bureaucracy that I've mentioned before.  So it seemed like we both had a never-ending checklist of things to do to make a life together -- on top of all the "regular life" stuff like bills, groceries, car making weird "ka-thump" noise when turning left (that's how she described it to me in Portuguese -- but the "ka-thump" was in English).  And then just when we had gotten to the point where we could occasionally sit on the couch and watch "Top Gun" in Portuguese while I twirled her hair in my fingers, well . . . . it all just disappeared.   Yep, no more stuff to do to make a life together, just a few things to do to reverse our hard-won life together -- like inform the U.S. government that we wouldn't be able to attend our green card interview (was tomorrow, see earlier post about this).

So I wake up each day without any "Sandra tasks".  Which just serves to underline the fact that I'm also waking up each day without any Sandra.

The irrational part of my brain likes to think that our love was so special that Sandra will come back -- that as I'm laying down to sleep and my eyes are adjusting to the dark, Sandra will glide into the room and wait for me to see her.  In this recurring fantasy, I'm stunned to see her, and I get out of bed and slowly touch her, afraid that she'll disappear.  I ask her "Sandra, are you real?" and she smiles and quietly says "Sim" (yes).  I decide to literally pinch myself to see if pain will prove it's not a dream.  And (in my fantasy) it's not a dream -- she's real.  I squeeze her so hard she has to tell me she's having trouble breathing ("Mark, nao posso respirar!").  And my mind starts racing -- can I call immigration and retract my letter saying she is dead?  How will we explain to family members that she's still alive (my brilliant solution -- we'll just say the coroner "made a mistake").  So I lay there in the dark with this intoxicating fantasy, allowing myself to float off into the idea that I found my lost lottery ticket.  But like any drug, coming down off the high is harsh.  I finally blink my eyes and accept that Sandra is most definitely not standing there, and it's pretty damn unlikely that she will ever again be standing there.  And the tears roll down my cheeks and get my pillow all wet.  And I do what I always do -- turn my pillow over and pull my covers up and say to the darkness "I miss you so much Sandra" and hope sleep comes quickly to take the pain away.

--Mark

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Sparky1

Mark, I sympathize with you brother. I've resorted to hugging the air in front of me and kissing it, hoping that somehow the spirit of my wife is there. Every night I cry myself to sleep talking to her and hoping that she'll visit me in a dream. She did the other night and we exchanged I love yous. That cheered me up a bit and it did feel like just like old times. Our losses are so painful, I feel like a beaten man.

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Mark loves Sandra
24 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I feel like a beaten man.

Sparky, that pretty much encapsulates it.  I used to be stronger, and I'm sure you did too.  This just tears a person down.

Really nice that you got to see your love in a dream, but gosh, waking up would be tough.  But it's nice to hear that the dream cheered you up -- a glimpse of your wife would surely be a wonderful thing.

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LibWendy

I just joined this forum tonight after almost two weeks of unbearable sadness and anxiety. Your stories break my heart, but are the first time I have felt like someone gets what I'm going through. @Sparky1 I can relate to hugging and kissing the air. Through an unfortunate series of broken things this year, I have been driving my husband's truck and coincidentally, one (and only one) of his gloves has been sitting on the console. As I drive around, I hold the glove, pretending it's his hand. 

@Mark loves Sandra Thank you for sharing your story. Your love for Sandra shines through everything you write. I am sorry for your pain. 

To all of the rest of you, thank you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel a little less alone.

Wendy

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I did the same math when my love died - I’m 35, might make it to my 90s.  That’s maybe 60 years without this person here on earth with me. It is devastating, i’m very sorry for your loss and can only say the support I’ve received so far from this forum is a great help along with grief counseling.  

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April Ballou

Mark loves Sandra I know what you mean about guilt, I was the one who told the doctor to turn the machines off.  The never ending feeling I should have left them on.  I lay in bed every night squeezing a stuffed animal wishing that I could hug Darrell just one more time.  Tomorrow is our son's birthday and it's just another reminder that Darrell is gone and I am all alone.  I pray and ask for God to help me and He has been.  I guess that my life as I knew it died just like Darrell.  Now I have to find out exactly who I am.

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Mark loves Sandra

 @LibWendy and @Veda86

Wendy and Veda,

Yes, unfortunately we all understand exactly what you're going through.  The crushing pain of losing the love of your life is . . . . well . . . crushing.  And I mean that in all seriousness, this pain is pounding me to pieces.  You know the feeling all too well.  I wish you didn't.  I'm sorry you're here.

@April Ballou Indeed, this guilt just adds another layer of misery.  I wish I could tell her " i"m sorry ".  I wish I had done better.

--Mark

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