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Love of my life died suddenly (covid) and I can't accept it -- so many regrets


Mark loves Sandra

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April Ballou

I completely understand how you feel Gina.  I still have my moments of crying,  mostly at night.   After having somebody to sleep with for 38 years it's hard sleeping without them.  I just thank God that we will be reunited one day soon.

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22 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

he had fallen away from the church.

Doesn't matter as much what the church thinks of us so long as we had that connection with God..  One thing I managed to do raising my kids, so I can be glad they have that.  I know your faith holds and pray you receive assurance of where your husband is...

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Hi mark. Your story really hits me hard and it is very similar to mine. I’m wondering how you’re doing now? 
My boyfriend just died the same way. He was not vaccinated and all the similar things occurred… he got intubated and then Suddenly organ failure, pupils dilated, and brain dead, blood clots and strokes in the brain. I don’t understand covid. 
We all thought he’d be alright. He was young and healthy and most people are generally fine when they get it. 
I’m left with so many regrets and I don’t know how I’ll go on. 
I hope you are doing better now… well I’m wondering what it’s like for you now 

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3 hours ago, Nvergara90 said:

Hi mark. Your story really hits me hard and it is very similar to mine. I’m wondering how you’re doing now? 
My boyfriend just died the same way. He was not vaccinated and all the similar things occurred… he got intubated and then Suddenly organ failure, pupils dilated, and brain dead, blood clots and strokes in the brain. I don’t understand covid. 
We all thought he’d be alright. He was young and healthy and most people are generally fine when they get it. 
I’m left with so many regrets and I don’t know how I’ll go on. 
I hope you are doing better now… well I’m wondering what it’s like for you now 

Nvergara90, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss.  Yours is a story of whys.......why did this happen, why did it have to happen to my boyfriend, why was he taken from me so soon, etc.  It is very hard to deal with, all these questions.  People have told me it was God's plan, at the beginning of my grieving process, I chose to deny it.  I was always taught to believe that was true, and as time has gone on, I tend to believe it more and more.  My first husband was a non Catholic, but a non churchgoer.  When we became engaged, he stated that if we were planning to have childen, it would be better if we were of the same faith.  He asked my father to be his sponser and was baptized 3 months before our wedding......from then on, he was a church going husband and father.  When he passed on, I'm sure the Lord welcomed him back into His fold.  When I met Damon, he had been born and raised a Catholic.  He had a very difficult childhood and early adulthood and turned away from the church.  After I met him when we were both in our fifties, I would go to church every Sunday and after awhile he asked if he could go with.  Before long, he would ask if he could pray with me, and by the time he passed from Covid, I know he was more then ready to return to his heavenly home.  After much thought, I realized that God's plan was to bring me into these two men's lives to help them on the right path to their eternal home.  Who knows if I had never met them, would they ever have  allowed God back into their lives.  People who have suffered a loss like us have told me it usually takes a few years to come to terms with our loved one being gone.....and I see that it is true.  Not a day or maybe even an hour goes by that we don't think of them and miss them terribly..  But somehow, with God's help, we learn to push on, one day at a time.  After all, we are promised that we will see them again someday.......it will be different, but something to really look forward to!

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We all here have suffered losing a loved one.  And I'm sure we all have went through asking what if or why.  I understand  because when my husband Darrell died my world fell apart.  God helped me and is still helping me.   My life will never be the same.  I went to church tonight and they were talking about marriage.   I feel like I had the best husband a woman could ever ask for.  Sure we had our disagreements but we always made up.  Three pieces of advise I would give to a couple.  1.  Put God first.  2. Always remember that the woman was made from a rib to be the man's equal.  3. Never go to bed angry with one another.  Never take your spouse for granted because you are not promised tomorrow. 

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18 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

People have told me it was God's plan, at the beginning of my grieving process

This is the age old question...did GOD take them from us?  Too hard for people to comprehend, I would never tell a griever that!  So easy for someone to "fit into their thinking/beliefs" when it doesn't affect them!  It can take us time to work out for ourselves what helps us through this most difficult times of our lives, we don't need anyone speaking trite words so easily stamped upon us!

http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html
 

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

  So easy for someone to "fit into their thinking/beliefs" when it doesn't affect them!  

Well said Kay...someone said it to me or otherwise: "it's destiny'....maybe it's true but it made me feel so doomed...

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Yes the people are thinking that they know it all but they don't.   They will tell you "I wouldn't do it that way" they dont know until it happens to them.   We know what it is like, we are the people that have lost the love of our lives.   In my lifetime I have had grandparents,  my mother, aunts, uncles, and even a brother to pass away.  This is the one that has turned my life completely upside down. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

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That was so sweet of you, April, and I'm sure it'll mean all the more to him being his dad's.  I still have George's, I want my son to have it someday and my daughter to have mine, her's will be too small, his will be too big but they'll probably just keep them in a jewelry box, still, I think it'd mean a lot, my grandpa gave me my grandma's.  I wasn't close to her but was to him.

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It's looking that way for me too, April as snow is coming before/during/after Christmas.  
I'm sorry your SIL burned a scented candle, knowing you are allergic.  My MIL was too and I never had them in my house when she was alive.  It's courtesy/respect.  Some people who don't have allergies don't get it.  I've had them all my life and re: food allergies, people refer to it as picky or don't like it, they couldn't be further from the truth.  I haven't had fish in 38 years!

9 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone on here.

And I wish that for you and everyone here too!:wub2:  

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It would be different if they didn't know about your allergies,  but my SIL knows.  I look at it this way that just means I won't have to waste my money buying gifts.  I guess that I have to get used to being alone.   It has its advantages and disadvantages.   I'm sorry that you will be alone on Christmas  @KayC.  

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Jennifer Uren
On 2/2/2021 at 9:56 PM, Mark loves Sandra said:

MissyLaLaLa,

I wish I could bring Mani back for you (and Alan for Benni), but dammit I can't do it.  We've all lost these gems in our lives and it's just not fair.  My heart is broken for all of us.  I'm in so much pain and it's horrible to realize that you and Benni (and countless others) feel exactly the same way.  Too much pain,

 

And for me you hit the nail on the head with the regret about not being in the ambulance with Mani.  You feel like if you could have been there with him you could have talked him out of leaving -- like you could have given him the strength to live.  That's exactly how I feel about not staying with Sandra that last night before she was intubated.  Like I could have talked to the doctors in the morning and begged them not to intubate her.  But in reality somehow we have to accept that we couldn't have made a difference.  Geez, or actually I have to tell myself that, because if I allow myself to think like that it will destroy me.  Geez, who am I kidding -- I think like that constantly -- if I just could have been there . . . .

I'm sincerely sorry you and your son have to go through this.

--Mark

Not sure if you’ll get this since you were last on in July but I’m here to tell you that I WAS THERE for my fiancé when he had to be intubated. I begged the doctors not to and to please save him! Unfortunately the outcome was the same. I hope you’ve managed to let go of the regret. I still have many regrets myself.

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I was never asked about incubating my husband,  they just did it.  The first week that Darrell was in the hospital they didn't ask me anything.   I was given a phone call the morning after he was admitted,  the doctor told me the diagnosis,  told me to self quarantine and suggested that I get a covid test.   I called the hospital daily to check and see how  Darrell was doing.   They wouldn't even let me see my own husband,  just because of covid.   The second week they changed doctors and he had a lady doctor.   She was very kind.  She took her cellphone and  Google duo me, just so I could at least see Darrell on the phone. With her on the case he was slowly improving,  but after a week they changed doctors again.   After the third week she came back and called me.  She asked me what happened? I told her I didnt know  because nobody would let me see him in person or on the phone.   Darrell  was not doing good,  she then gave me permission to come see him.  But just through a glass door and glass wall.  By  this time the tube was moved down in his neck, he had a feeding tube and he was unresponsive.   I sat there 4 hours talking to him through the door, praying for him and left but came back the next day.  Just to sit a talk some more.  I went home that  Sunday crying and praying the whole way home.   I called the hospital the next day to get permission to come back.  When I was given permission to come back he was basically gone.   The only thing that was keeping him alive was the breathing machine.   And after 4 hours of crying,  talking to his mother, and our children on the phone it was time to let him go.  I told them to turn the machines off.   It wasnt long after that til Darrell was pronounced dead.   I had nightmares about it all for awhile.   But I prayed and God gave me peace.   Seems like yesterday,  that was September 7, 2020, Henry Darrell Ballou,  my husband of 38 years died.   Left me here all alone.   So anyone and everyone I hope none has to go through this.   I know that all of us in this forum has lost a loved one  I don't care if you were married or not we loved them.   That kind of love is different than any other. 

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Jennifer Uren

@April BallouThank you for sharing. I hate that this is our experience but it does help knowing others can understand my pain. I too have had nightmares. Sometimes I feel like I might have ptsd from the trauma he endured and I witnessed at the hospital. It seems as if the hospital nurses and staff have become jaded and forgotten how to treat patients and their families. I do not blame the doctors but I too experienced him getting better until the week the doctors changed shifts only for him to get worse. The roller coaster ride was brutal. It’s simply impossible to imagine how to carry on without him. We did absolutely everything together. Even a simple drive up to the store…we went together. I work in a restaurant and he was there during my shifts. There truly are not words to describe this pain.

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People who have not gone through this don't have any clue how terrible it is. 

I am so sorry that each of you are going through it. 

Gail

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16 hours ago, Jennifer Uren said:

I hope you’ve managed to let go of the regret. I still have many regrets myself.

It's common to feel this in early grief, we can't handle what happened and look for some different possible outcome, eventually we have to let go of the "what-ifs" or they'll drive us nuts.  
I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death

Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

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April, my husband died 16 1/2 years ago, long before Covid, I don't know if you've read my story or not but I relate to your experience as I also wasn't allowed to be with my husband at the end.  We, who had always been together whenever not working...I couldn't be with him when he fought the hardest battle of his life, and lost.  I very much sympathize with what you and others have gone through in this.  :wub2:

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It really does, and also to know we can relate and understand, doesn't make it any easier though, I know.  :wub:

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April Ballou

I agree with you @Gina Mahlan.  I don't cry as often.  I rely on God to give me strength to make it through.   I still have many memories of Darrell and I.  I'm glad that I have pictures.  The past 10 years alot of our adventures are on Facebook.   I'm glad that I posted them now.  I will always have those also.  My children are a reminder of the love that Darrell and I shared.  I hope that 2022 is a good one for all in this forum.   We can make it.  Praying blessings on each and everyone. 

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14 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

Guess they didn't realize how much I needed to hear about Damon, stories of when he was little and growing up, it helped me to know he was real, not just a dream. 

It could be it's hard for them to talk about him, maybe they handle it by denial?  You can only TELL them how much you miss them and wish you had someone willing to share about him...I know I so appreciate it when someone brings up George, it happens less and less as the years pass, but it means the world, like he MATTERED to someone besides just me, that someone else knew and loved him too!  I'm sorry you feel so alone in it, I get it, for sure.:wub:

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On 12/19/2021 at 9:57 AM, KayC said:

It's common to feel this in early grief, we can't handle what happened and look for some different possible outcome, eventually we have to let go of the "what-ifs" or they'll drive us nuts.  
I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death

Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

These are good!

And I would add this one (below). I watched it dozens of times when Alan first died becase I could not accept it and as Dr. Webster says, I preferred guilt to helplessness in that situation - his words helped me a lot. Only 15 minutes but so important to hear.

 

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