Members Popular Post Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 My "angel" and I in happier times . . . . Hi Everyone, This is my first time posting, and I'm a mess -- which is unusual for me. I'm a 52 year old engineer and am normally pretty composed, but then I've never had to face anything vaguely like this. And it seems like everyone else on here is facing similar staggering grief. So I'll just pour my heart out and maybe it will help someone else here, and possibly be a little cathartic for me too. So, first of all, my wife (Sandra) was Brazilian, and a licensed speech-language pathologist in Brazil. We met late in life (she was 56) and were still head over heals for each other after 3 years together. Together we navigated the incredibly convoluted and years-long immigration process and finally in January of 2020 we got a "fiance" visa that allowed her to come to the US. We were married 2 days after she arrived in May 2020 (17 hours before the borders were closed to flights from Brazil). Life was very simple, but we enjoyed every moment. Sitting watching Netflix (in Portuguese), taking walks in the parks, and -- heaven help me -- going to Hobby Lobby (she was like a kid in a candy store in that place). Laughing as she helped me improve my Portuguese. Then came a scheduled business trip for me back to Brazil in December of last year. And here's where things go downhill. After being there for about 15 days, she contracted covid -- as did her adult children and several other relatives that we were visiting. But here's where I went wrong. I had already had covid -- with virtually no symptoms. Same with everyone else in our circle down there -- almost no symptoms -- a nuisance at most. And . . . . Sandra had a tendency to be a tad dramatic. So . . . . knowing all this, I didn't take her covid seriously. For 5 days she was coughing and constantly checking her blood oxygen level and taking 9 gajillion over-the-counter medications. I just kept telling her to relax, stay in bed, and recuperate. In fact, I was somewhat annoyed that she was making such a big deal out of it. And I let my annoyance show through multiple times -- being less than totally caring. She needed my support, and I wasn't fully there for her because I thought she was making too big a deal out of it (knowing that we weren't in a demographic that was typically at risk for serious covid ramifications). Then on the fifth day, she called me at work and begged me to come pick her up and take her to the hospital. Exasperated, I left work, made the 40 minute drive back to the hotel and picked her up in the lobby -- she just seemed very weak to me, but nothing more. I took her to the ER and they took her back (I wasn't allowed in due to covid). I waited in the lobby -- I figured they'd give her a few hours of oxygen and then we could be done with this overreaction and go back to the hotel. After 4 hours waiting, a nurse came out and told me that Sandra wasn't going to be released that night. I asked what time in the morning I could pick her up. The nurse said it would more likely be a couple days. Geez -- what a hassle I thought. Well "a couple days" turned into 10 days. Somehow the last couple of nights I managed to sit with her in the evenings (she was no longer contagious, but had pneumonia), and my usual question was "When can we get you out of here?". The evening of the 10th day she asked me to spend the night in the hospital with her. To my eternal regret, I said I my contact lenses would dry out (can you believe it???), and I had to work in the morning, etc. So she took off her oxygen mask and quietly said "Eu te amo" (I love you). I said the same, gave her a small kiss and said I would see her the next evening. The next morning I received a text from her son that said she had been intubated. NOW, I started to get a little concerned -- but her sister (a nurse) said her vitals looked fine and the intubation would allow her to relax, so I stopped worrying. Each evening thereafter we received a summary text from the hospital about her condition. Each day was fine -- "patient vitals good, responding well to antibiotics", etc. No problem. Then . . . . on the fourth day of intubation, I was sitting in a restaurant at 7:27 pm eating a salad and wondering why the text from the hospital had not come out yet. Then I got a text from her son -- he said "Mark, I got the message from the hospital -- and it's not good." Suddenly my world went dark and my head was swirling -- suddenly I grasped how ridiculously nonchalant I had been. I frantically texted back to her son "NO ! don't send me the information." But he had already forwarded me the message. It was in Portuguese and my muddled brain was struggling to translate. I managed to understand "pupils fixed and dilated" but then couldn't comprehend the next phrases. After a few moments, her son sent me the horrifying translation: "massive stroke" -- and the hospital wanted to see me and the kids at 10:00 am the next day. I paid and stumbled out of the restaurant and managed to somehow drive over to her son's apartment (I apparently got two traffic tickets from automated radar on the way over). We all gathered there crying. But somehow we managed to convince ourselves that a neurosurgeon could drill a hole in her skull and relieve the blood pressure (my dad had this done when I was young) and all might be fine. We decided the hospital surgeons wanted to meet us the next day to ask permission for some emergency procedure. And so the next day we (me, two adult kids, and sister) met at the hospital and were led downstairs to an area with some chairs. We sat down and a group of four doctors came over and one started speaking to the kids and sister in Portuguese, then she suddenly turned to me and said -- in English -- two words that destroyed my world -- "brain dead". I collapsed in the chair sobbing. I begged the doctors -- in badly mangled Portuguese -- to tell me there was a chance of recovery -- ANY chance. They just sadly shook their heads no. [As I write this, tears are literally dripping on my keyboard and my heart feels like it's being squeezed into a ball]. I continued to cry uncontrollably and beg for a glimmer of hope, but the doctors were resolute -- Sandra would never regain consciousness. A CT scan of her head was horrifying -- a giant pool of blood taking up about a third of her brain. And with that my will to live evaporated. Later that day she was taken off life support and she died. That night her sister took me to the funeral home and in a daze I picked out a coffin and countless other gruesome choices ("heavy, medium, or light makeup?", etc.). The next day we said our final goodbyes and she was buried. In the space of 36 hours in late December I had gone from wondering when my beloved wife would finally get out of the hospital to seeing dirt being piled on her casket. I left Brazil the day after Christmas in a daze. And so I entered this world all of you have described -- intense pain, agony, disbelief. And mind-bending REGRET. Were it not for my 20 year-old son, I very likely would have killed myself over the next several days. I genuinely wanted to die (and still do), but couldn't imagine putting my son in this same pain. So I stumbled along. But I can't deal with this. Each and every damn morning I wake up and for 3 or 4 seconds I think Sandra and I have just broken up and all I need to do is text her quickly and send some roses, and grab a flight to Brazil. Then reality comes crashing down: Sandra is DEAD! I will not see her EVER AGAIN! Period. No way to change this. No way to fix it. I have all manner of irrational thoughts. I'm distraught that she has embalming fluid in her because how can she come back with embalming fluid in her veins? I'm distraught that she's buried because that will make it very difficult for her to get out of the casket. I check my Whatsapp to see if she has texted me. I wonder if she will come back to me in someone else's body. And I incessantly berate myself for not taking her illness more seriously [more tears dripping on my keyboard]. And, oh my god, WHY DIDN'T I STAY WITH HER IN THE HOSPITAL THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE ASKED ??? I can't stop thinking about all the things I could have done to change the course of the story. And I blew it. I feel like I had the winning lottery ticket in my hand and I just let it blow away in the wind. I was blessed with a gift that was so special to me -- and I let her slip through my fingers. I can't take this pain. I can't sleep -- I get maybe 4 hours per night. I'm so shaky I can barely text my son. I have zero appetite and have lost 15 lbs. Life seems cold, scary and pointless. I hold our wedding rings and say to thin air "Sandra, why did you leave me?" [now I'm crying so much I can barely type]. I keep thinking something will change and she will "come back". Or I have darker thoughts that I'll go find her. I just feel lost and don't care about much. I go through the motions at work. I find things in my notebook that she wrote in Portuguese and break down crying. I have waves of the thought "Oh my god, she's dead." that hit me like a brick wall. I can't fathom that I will NEVER see her again. Perhaps I'll be alive for another 30 years -- and in that 30 years I'll never be able to twirl her hair in my fingers again. So those 30 years are worthless to me. I just don't want to go on. Thank you all for listening. I wish my pain and agony was only something I have to suffer, but no, it sounds like we're all going through something similar. What a sh*tty world. I'm so sorry for all of us. It's just not fair. I want my Sandra back . . . . 8 7 19 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Bennie Jets Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Mark, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your and her story and your thoughts and what it feels like now. It helps me tremendously to hear that I am not crazy and I am not alone. I don't even know why it helps. It does not bring Alan back, certainly. And I cannot bring Sandra back for you; I wish I could. It just gives a moment of relief, I think, to know I am not alone in this. Yes, I think we all have this in common here, "intense pain, agony, disbelief" and "I want my _____ back." refusing to relent, almost afraid to, because I seem to have reverted to a little child with the unshakable belief that if I just don't give up I can bend the world to my will, so I must not give up because I must have him back. Nothing else is acceptable, nothing else I dare imagine, nothing else will soothe that terrible pain. I am like a horse that is rearing up so hard it is flipping over backwards and falling on its back. Total panic and nothing helps. All the usual fight and flight mechanisms are useless against this situation. You cannot escape what happened and how you feel now and that terrible future without them, even this day. It's Alan for me. We were together for 29 years and sooo close. He was my angel, unlike any human being I had ever met. He can't be gone. I need him here. For life. We had not gotten to retirement yet to have some time for each other again. Can't imagine life without him. We did every stupid thing together, discussed everything, shared everything. He is the only one who understands me, gives me comfort in life. I cannot even describe him. Need him to be around to teach me more of his ways, ways that were so different from mine and so intriguing, like a divine gift I could not quite fathom. I need to tell him that... and we need more time! I woke up this morning in a fright and realized I was calling and calling him in my dream. Calling him, waiting for an answer. Panicked. Like a lost child. I did not know where he was and I was calling and I did not get an answer and so called louder with a quiver of uncertainty and fear in my voice, something telling me that something is wrong and I must find him quick. I even went to witness the cremation because I knew I needed to show myself that he is gone, but it did not work. Something inside of me just does not get it. And I am panicked, afraid I lost him, but still looking for him. My rational self is not in power now, does not help. I, too, am an engineer and not easily startled on a normal day. No more normal days. Gone to putty now. That brain of mine was always fighting for *us*, so I don't find it useful anymore. Emotions take over, like I dropped the ball, let him slip away. Regrets? Sure, you just don't know what's hit you while you are in this. 20/20 hindsight is not fair. I am glad you have your son and some compassion for him - don't make him go through this. Get help if you need it. Just hang in there. Numb, if necessary. I get numb quite often. I think it is because my inside is being kind and switches me off for a while because I just can't take it. I lean on other people now. Before it was just Alan and I against the world. Now I just hear him in my head. He is encouraging me to be ok, but I argue with him. I don't want to be ok now. I don't want any of this! 5 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post MissyLaLaLa Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband Mani of 16 years to Covid on January 23rd. It was just so random he was literally only sick for 4 days. It started affecting his breathing so I called an ambulance and he passed away on the way to the hospital. (they wouldn't let me go with him because of Covid) I honestly feel in my heart that if they would of let me go with him he would still be alive. We didn't even get a chance to say I love you or goodbye. So I don't think he even knew it was his time. So I understand your pain and I have been going through the same thoughts as you. My 7 year old son has been the only thing keeping me together. I couldn't leave him in this crazy world alone. Lately I have been looking into "Life after Life" and "Life after death" it has given me some kind of comfort. The thought of believing we will meet again after I die has been the only thing that has helped me. Just know you're not alone anytime you need to vent this is the perfect place to do it among people who understand your pain. 6 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Bennie Jets said: Yes, I think we all have this in common here, "intense pain, agony, disbelief" and "I want my _____ back." refusing to relent, almost afraid to, because I seem to have reverted to a little child with the unshakable belief that if I just don't give up I can bend the world to my will, so I must not give up because I must have him back. Nothing else is acceptable, nothing else I dare imagine, nothing else will soothe that terrible pain. Bennie Jets: I so wish you didn't have to experience this -- my deepest, sincere condolences -- and I mean that because I'm right there with you. Alan sounds like he was perfect for YOU -- your lottery ticket, your special someone. And maybe it's in our nature -- perhaps as engineers -- that we desperately want to "fix" this problem. For all of my life I've been able to overcome various obstacles -- or my own mistakes -- with hard work or perseverance or just plowing forward regardless. So, exactly like you, I irrationally keep trying to figure out how to fix this. Like you said, our minds go to very irrational places -- if we just don't give up, if we try hard enough, if we believe hard enough -- we can bring them back. Like we can will Alan and Sandra back into our lives. And then we get slammed with reality yet again -- Alan and Sandra aren't coming back and we can't make it so. Just typing this makes me cry. For both of us. And calling Alan's name -- been there, doing that right now with Sandra. In desperation I call Sandra often at night. Like if I plead hard enough she'll be allowed to come back to me. Crazy. One night as I was going to sleep, there was some sort of vibrant red glow in my peripheral vision (in the dark!) -- in reality it was probably due to elevated blood pressure (my heart was pounding), but I convinced myself it was some apparition of Sandra. I was calling to her in the dark -- expecting her to appear -- begging her to come back. I ended up crying myself to sleep. You deserve more time with Alan. I desperately need more time with Sandra. And I imagine everybody on this forum would give almost anything for more time with their Alan's and Sandra's. Just so unfair. Thank you so much for your reply -- helped me immensely. And, as you said, I don't know why. Just know that you're not alone in your thoughts and pain with Alan. I'm right there with you. --Mark 5 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Quote 58 minutes ago, MissyLaLaLa said: It was just so random he was literally only sick for 4 days. It started affecting his breathing so I called an ambulance and he passed away on the way to the hospital. (they wouldn't let me go with him because of Covid) I honestly feel in my heart that if they would of let me go with him he would still be alive. MissyLaLaLa, I wish I could bring Mani back for you (and Alan for Benni), but dammit I can't do it. We've all lost these gems in our lives and it's just not fair. My heart is broken for all of us. I'm in so much pain and it's horrible to realize that you and Benni (and countless others) feel exactly the same way. Too much pain, And for me you hit the nail on the head with the regret about not being in the ambulance with Mani. You feel like if you could have been there with him you could have talked him out of leaving -- like you could have given him the strength to live. That's exactly how I feel about not staying with Sandra that last night before she was intubated. Like I could have talked to the doctors in the morning and begged them not to intubate her. But in reality somehow we have to accept that we couldn't have made a difference. Geez, or actually I have to tell myself that, because if I allow myself to think like that it will destroy me. Geez, who am I kidding -- I think like that constantly -- if I just could have been there . . . . I'm sincerely sorry you and your son have to go through this. --Mark 5 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Bennie Jets Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Thank you so much, Mark. Please hang in there. You are not crazy, just very deeply hurt. I am not sure if it helps to think about your son and be with him for meals or other activities that are also never coming back if you miss them. It does not replace Sandra, but allows you and your son to have some love and time together, when you can maybe. MissyLaLaLa, my heart breaks at your account of what happened. I am so sorry for your loss. I think, what we also do as engineers and those who are not engineers by profession, as engineers of our lives: we find a 20/20 hindsight hook and then blame ourselves for something that could have been done differently and might have made a difference or added some comfort for a moment. It is cruel. But we did not know. We did not know what we know now. As simple as that. If you don't know, you cannot act on that knowledge, so we must not blame ourselves. And for those who still do, about last minute or last day or week: my Alan always said "it is not the last man out that determines the game - the entire game determines the score!" - it is our entire life with the other person that carries weight, and the last moments carry only a small amount compared to that. Surely, we loved them so much and showed it many times, by being there, marrying them, spending our lives together! They knew we loved them and we know they loved us. Very much! That my love was not enough to keep him here is also a great pain and mystery to me. Nature does not seem to stop for our love sometimes, even if we feel very strongly that it ought to, it seems to me. 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Missy1 Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 I am so sorry for your loss, it’s too just much for our brains to process, you are most likely in shock. Emotionally we have lost our bearings and feel so lost. Who are we without their love and companionship. I am at 1 year, I have no answers. Today was Groundhog Day, my calendar told me, Ironically every day sine he died has been the same day over and over. They say healing is possible and part of it is learning to carry that love and grief as part of you. Please take care of yourself, eat, breathe and let yourself grief. We understand here and try to hold each other up. 6 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Quote 7 minutes ago, Missy1 said: Ironically every day sine he died has been the same day over and over. MIssy1, So you're a Bill Murray fan -- I guess that's worth a smile. But you're exactly right -- every day feels like the same day over and over. Every day is the same day without Sandra, nothing else seems to matter -- just that she's gone. It's a little scary that you're at 1 year and still have no answers. Another 11 months of this for me, and I still won't have any answers. Geez, I don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm sorry you're without your husband, I really am. Why does this have to happen? Thank you for taking the time to comment -- it means a lot to me -- and I'm sure many others. --Mark 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post MissyLaLaLa Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Thank you Mark. My heart breaks for all of you as well. I wish I could snap my fingers and bring them all back. I have seen so much pain on here, yes it's comforting to know I am not alone, but also I'd rather nobody ever have to feel this pain. Thank you Bennie and I am so sorry for your loss as well. I agree I think everyone has the "what if's" and the "I should of done ____" thoughts. I'm trying to convince myself that I did all I could do, but I think I will forever have those thoughts and regrets. Everyone needs to know you're not alone and If you ever need to talk I am here to listen. ❤️ 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted February 3, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Very sorry for your loss. Grief and guilt are old friends. Just remember hindsight is 20/20 and it's human nature to beat ourselves up about why didn't I do this or that or do it differently etc etc. Plenty of experience there myself. I think such thoughts are really an outlet we use to beat ourselves up to help justify the searing agony we feel. I know this is easier said than done but as much as possible, try not to "go there" - you're human, you made mistakes, welcome to the club. It's no crime. You loved her and if you had any idea how serious this was, you'd have done anything you could. I feel very confident she knew/knows that. Being imperfect doesn't mean you're a bad person. FWIW I created a web site that speaks to grief generally - i don't know if anything there will help, but again FWIW: https://griefhelp.webs.com/grieving 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post LMR Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 @Bennie Jets something telling me that something is wrong and I must find him quick. <I even went to witness the cremation because I knew I needed to show myself that he is gone, but it did not work. Something inside of me just does not get it. > This is exactly my feeling. That he needed my help and I had to go and find him. I was totally panicked. After more than 5 months I have mostly rationalized those thoughts away but they still creep back. I still can't accept that he is gone. The stories here are truly heartbreaking. I wish I could hug you all, the people here have rescued me more than once. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Quote 6 minutes ago, widower2 said: You loved her and if you had any idea how serious this was, you'd have done anything you could. I feel very confident she knew/knows that. Being imperfect doesn't mean you're a bad person. Widower2: Thank you for your kind words -- it's consoling. True, if only I had known how serious it was . . . . . I would have tried to move heaven and earth to save her -- as anyone on this forum would have done for their loved one. But it's so hard to know she needed more from me and I just didn't get it. Dammit. Eternal regret. You've apparently lived with this pain for 10 years -- I can't imagine. I'll go to your website -- thank you for the link. Very thoughtful of you to go the extra mile to create a website to help others. --Mark 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Quote 13 minutes ago, LMR said: I still can't accept that he is gone. LMR: Looks like I need to quit posting while crying -- can't seem to do the quotes right. I better quit for the night. Another night of quietly saying Sandra's name while tears run on my pillow. I'm sorry your "him" -- your special person -- is gone. I also just can't accept that Sandra's gone. Just can't except it . . . Thanks for sharing your feelings. Means so much. --Mark 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post jmmosley53 Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 All of these posts are tragic. I guess there is no painless way to lose your love. It is always a horrible, guilt loaded, shock, that it has happened. Our minds compel us to hang onto the thought that it is all some terrible mistake. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post ScotJ65 Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Hi Mark Thank you for sharing your story, and please believe me when I say I know what you're going through. There's no way we can prepare for events such as this, and when it happens, it feels like your world has come crashing down. Six years ago a wonderful, beautiful angel came into my life. I felt like the luckiest man alive. I was almost resigned to never meeting anyone ever again when she contacted me on a dating app. We went on a date, and we both knew right away we were meant for each other. Then last autumn, everything started to go wrong. She had always been asthmatic but was keeping it under control. However, her symptoms were suggesting something much, much worse. We both knew that she had a 50/50 chance of contracting Huntingdon's disease due to the faulty gene on her fathers side, but I had always convinced myself this would never happen. I was wrong. Her decline was rapid. Barely a week went by when we weren't either at the doctors or in the hospital. She couldn't eat, drink fluid (inability to swallow is a major symptom of the condition), she became confused, irritable and basically her whole personality changed. She was wasting away in front of my eyes and lost so much weight she was barely recognisable. She died in hospital last November. I'm struggling with life, but I always say to myself when I'm having my darkest thoughts - and believe me, I've had a few - 'just give it another 24 hours'. That's what I do, and somehow I'm still here. You can do it too Mark, and I know you will get through this. One day at a time. And remember, we're always here for you. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post KevinM Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 It is tragic to me that you lost your love so soon in your relationship. You have my complete sympathy. Try not to hold your past actions against yourself, however natural it is to do so. You could not have known what would happen. You were living in a different world with different 'rules' then. Like others here, I also understand the nightmare of things going wrong so quickly that it was hard just to keep up. It's just a bit of nausea. The hospital will have no problem getting this under control. Blood pressure drop? ICU? Intubation? Failed heart valve? Removal of life support? She is gone. The one person in the world who loved me enough to spend the rest of her life with me and raise a child with me. Gone. In less than two weeks. I can still smell the sterile air and hear the sound of machines in the ICU If I let myself. Putting on a mask for Covid takes me right back. Medical PTSD. As you can tell, many of us here have some version of this story. Maybe all of us. In some sense death is always sudden, no matter what came before. None of our stories are exactly like yours. Your pain is unique. We do have a glimpse into what it must be like, though, and I am so very sorry that you have to walk this road with us. As others have said, you are not alone and can always come here to talk if you need to. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 3, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 @Mark loves Sandra I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my soul mate George 15 1/2 years ago. We only knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years, 8 months. He is the only man who ever loved me and it was very reciprocal. We got each other, had great communication, understood each other, were each other's best fan. He'd just had his 51st birthday when he suddenly died, it was a shock. My heart goes out to you, these times are very hard, the whole last year, to go through these Covid times. I am sorry you are one of the ones that suffered loss through it. You have a lot of heartfelt support here, and I hope you will continue to come and post/read here. It was a forum like this that saved me when I lost my George. It will gradually lessen in intensity, but always, always, we continue to love and miss them and realize how irrevocably changed our lives are without them in it. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Maria_PI Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 But we did not know. We did not know what we know now. As simple as that. If you don't know, you cannot act on that knowledge, so we must not blame ourselves.Yes, so well said! I need to remind myself of that every time the gut-wrenching guilt comes back to haunt me about what I could’ve / should’ve done to make my husband’s pain and suffering go away or what the doctors could’ve / should’ve done to cure him. It’s hard... Hugs to all!Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Perro J Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 My story is similar. I fell for an Ecuadorian woman. Beautiful, kind, smart, and she loved me with an intensity that I have never felt before. Stomach cancer claimed her. We learned of the cancer in March and she was gone in July. Reading your story brought back memories. The doctors, the hospitals. Flying her home - having to ask for oxygen on the plane and having the pilot ask for a doctor on board. Being in the cancer hospital in her country, bewildered by the language. How could I have fallen from joy to despair so quickly? How can the world be so unjust? Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone here, but that only comforts a little. Please accept my heartfelt condolences. May you find solace. 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 5 hours ago, ScotJ65 said: Six years ago a wonderful, beautiful angel came into my life. I felt like the luckiest man alive. Scot, Geez, like everyone else on here, you totally get how I feel. Which means I'm incredibly sorry you know exactly how I feel because that means you're in the same pain. I'm so sorry. To have your angel fall apart in front of you must have been the most agonizing and helpless feeling in the world. I imagine you both were desperate for a solution. I would be almost frantic. Horrible to lose something so precious -- and irreplaceable. When you wrote that an "angel came into your life and you felt like the luckiest man alive" -- I know EXACTLY what you mean. Sandra appeared out of nowhere (from a dating app that I wasn't even paying attention to and only responded because she had a gorgeous hugely cheerful smile). She changed my world. She was everything to me. My angel. The twinkle in her eyes, the skip in her step. How could something so special be taken away from us? Why? The answer for you of "genetic predisposition" is hardly comforting. It doesn't really matter why -- just that our "angels" are gone. Which hurts so much to even type. Thank you for your thoughts. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, but the fact that you (and the others who have commented) truly GET this horrible feeling and everything that goes with it gives me some support. I will try to do as you say and make it through each day, but I don't know why -- without my angel the world is so dark. --Mark 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 4 hours ago, KevinM said: The one person in the world who loved me enough to spend the rest of her life with me and raise a child with me. Gone. In less than two weeks. Kevin, A tragically similar story. Yes, in the span of about two weeks you go from being happy and content with the your special person and the two of you managing daily life challenges to staring at her toothbrush in the bathroom and feeling tears run down your face knowing that you'll never see her silly grin as her face is lathered up with toothpaste. How can a person just blink out of existence in front of your eyes? And why couldn't the course be changed . . . . As I've told others, your thoughtful words mean the world to me. I wish you didn't know how this feels -- but you do -- and it gives gravity to your sympathy. Thank you. --Mark 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 @KayC, Thank you for the list of Tips to make it through grief -- and your kind words. I have to admit I'm frightened by what you wrote -- you lost George15-1/2 years ago -- I can't imagine 15 years of this pain and longing for your soul mate. 15 years ! I don't think I can do this for 15 years. You are obviously a wonderful person to continue posting and trying to help others like me. George must have been a wonderful person too. Thank you. --Mark 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 2 hours ago, Perro J said: Beautiful, kind, smart, and she loved me with an intensity that I have never felt before. Perro, That's me! I can't say it any more succinctly. Sandra loved me with an intensity that I've never felt before. She looked past my numerous faults and wanted nothing more than for us to be together -- and she was willing to change her whole life to make it a reality (quit her professional job, left her culture, embarked on learning a new language . . . ). I was awestruck by how intense her love and commitment was. She was all in -- with every ounce of her being. Which makes me so much more distraught that I didn't do something -- ANYTHING -- to save her. I feel like she relied on me to protect her in her moment of need -- and I failed. My Brazilian angel (to use Scot's word) put her faith in me and I let her down. And now I have to live with that. Forever. You two must have soldiered through the immigration system also. The I-429, the waiting, the medical exam, the visa interview, the I-485, and on and on and on. And then to have it all swept away in a few short months by cancer. You turn around and suddenly everything you worked years for is gone. I obviously don't know your full story, but I wonder if you now feel something special for Ecuador? Because Sandra was changing so much of her life for me, I felt it was important to understand as much of her culture as I could. And over many trips to spend time with her, I developed a fondness for Brazil and its people and way of life. I poured myself into learning Portuguese (though I was still working on it when Sandra died), I came to appreciate sitting in small cafes by the street and having a beer with her. Rice and beans were a part of my lunch every day. I started wearing chinelos (flip flops) around the house. We watched Netflix in Portuguese using a VPN service to get to her account in Brazil (though she often objected and said we should be watching in English so she could learn English -- but I wanted her to be able to relax and enjoy the evening movies). And occasionally we would try to log in to her Netflix account and couldn't get any because there were too many users on her account -- and she would hilariously get on Whatsapp and text her kids and demand to know why all the Netflix licenses were in use and tell them that somebody down there needed to log off because we wanted to watch a movie ! Oh, the memories . . . . So now when I see Brazil in the news, I listen carefully -- that's my angel's culture and it will always be a part of me now. But that's all we have now Perro -- memories. I don't know how we fell from joy to despair so quickly. And that's exactly the right word -- "despair". These people who loved us with all their being -- gone. And I can't accept that. Which make for a bad situation because I don't have much of an alternative. I'm sure when you hear Spanish, especially from a female speaker, it's like daggers to the heart. I'm so very sorry your special Ecuadorian is gone. I know how you feel. Thank you for posting and listening. I wish you the best. --Mark 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Yoli Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Mark, I believe that even if you did things differently, like spending that last night with Sandra you would still find a way to berate yourself and beat yourself up. I have become an expert at that. What if this or what if that. In the end it is futile - our new reality is here to stay. That being said it doesn't stop me going there. I am nearing the 9 month mark and I truly don't know how I have made it this far. I have cried out to Indy to please please come and get me and take me away with you. Now I have settled on asking her to wait for me. My grief has, I guess, evolved so that I can function a little better. I have even laughed although it sounded foreign to me and I immediately felt guilty. But still I laughed. I know you will be thinking you will never laugh again, I thought the very same thing. I am not going to say Time Heals as people have said to me - I fired back No It Doesn't. But time does do something. For me at least, it makes the edges a little less jagged. Believe me I NEVER thought I would be saying that. It still hurts like hell, I miss her every second of the day, I rail about how unfair it is and any number of other things. I know that she is the love of my life and there will be no other. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post April Ballou Posted February 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 I too suffered the loss of my husband of whom I had been married to 38 years. Supposedly due to covid. Back in August of 2020 we had both gotten sick. We both started taking medicine for a cold. After about four days I got better, he was getting slowly worse. On a Friday I finally talked him into letting me take him to the hospital. I had to stay outside in my car. After about 30 minutes I received a text from him saying that they did a covid test and it was positive. They admitted him, they would not let me even go say bye or tell him that I love him. I drove home praying the whole way. The next day I received a call from the hospital telling me to self quarantine and to go get a covid test. I did self quarantine. Every day I called the hospital to check and see how my husband was doing, everyday it was the same answer, no change. They intubated him and put him in a come to help his lungs clear. The second week they changed doctors, a lady doctor took his case. Took time to use her cell phone to Google duo so I could at least see him on the phone. By this time they had put a trach and gave him a feeding tube, would wake him up everyday to see how he would respond. One time while we were Google duo he waved at me, blew me a kiss, and mouthed he loved me. It was the best thing. I blew him a kiss and told him I loved him. He then wanted to know where I was. I told him I was at come because they told me told self quarantine. That doctor left on a Friday and I never got to virtually see my husband again until the next Friday. During which time he went down. She returned to the hospital and called me asking me what had happened. I told her I didnt know. She finally gave me permission to go see him in person, but I could not touch him, I just got to see him through a glass door. I sat there praying the whole time. I talked to him, got no response. I was able to return the next day no change. I went home Sunday September 6, 2020 crying and praying the whole way. The next day I called the hospital and asked for the doctor to call me back, she did and told me to get up there as soon as possible. When I got there he was non responsive. I talked to my kids and to his mother plus prayed after three hours of praying and crying I had made the decision to cut the machines off. When I did they finally let me go in and say my goodbyes. I believe that he was already gone. Within about 15 minutes he was confirmed dead. September 7, 2020, labor day will never be the same. The love of my life is gone to be with God. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Perro J Posted February 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 28 minutes ago, Mark loves Sandra said: I wonder if you now feel something special for Ecuador? I am headed back there in 10 days. I will be spending a week with her family - I consider them my family now too. I too recall deciding on movies to watch : "In English or in Spanish tonight?" "Subtitulos o no?" My only time in Brazil was a morning at Iguazu Falls, I was there alone, before I met her. There is a long, not-so-funny-to-me-story about getting my visa to enter Brazil while I was in Buenos Aires. I spent about $200 and five trips to the consulate to spend a total of 5 hours in Brazil. As I understand it, the visa requirement was lifted last year. Bureaucracy is one of the things I do not admire about Latin America but I don't admire it here in the USA either. There are two places in Brazil I still want to go see. Rio De Janiero and Parque Nacional dos Lençóis Maranhenses. Not knowing any Portuguese might be a barrier. ( @Brazil Man - that's a hint!) Maybe someday. Iguazu was possibly the most beautiful place I have ever visited and I would have loved to go back there with her. I am in contact with her family enough that hearing Spanish is not painful - but it is a reminder of her. The upcoming trip will have to be a refresher because I do find it hard to study now. No one else in her family speaks much English. Call it immersion learning. I am also going back in July for the anniversary of her passing. There is a ceremony known as lapida (tombstone) and I want to be there for that. So yes, absolutely Ecuador now holds a very special place in my heart. As Brazil now does for you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 3, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 31 minutes ago, Yoli said: I believe that even if you did things differently, like spending that last night with Sandra you would still find a way to berate yourself and beat yourself up. Yoli, That's absolutely true -- because I had so many opportunities to do it differently -- there's plenty to beat myself up about. In my original post I left out the part where on day 3 of her coughing in the hotel room, at midnight she wanted to go the ER. And I was annoyed. I thought "Sandra, I've got to be up at 5:00 am for work and you want to go to the ER in the middle of the night because you have a cough and a 1-degree fever???" So we went to the ER (different hospital) -- and I was less than fully sympathetic -- and we waited for 2 hours. Then when she was about to be seen, there was some sort of paperwork mix-up and she got moved back another hour. At that point she dejectedly looked at me and said "Vamos voltar ao hotel" (Let's just go back to the hotel). And looking back, what she really wanted from me at that moment was me to say "No, Sandra, I'm worried about you and we're going to stay here as long as necessary to get you checked out." But no, I screwed that up too, and just said "Good, let's go back to the hotel." And maybe if she had been seen on day 3 instead of day 5, there would have been a different outcome. And I have plenty more mistakes like that. I let her down. But you're right -- our new reality is here to stay. I just don't want any part of it. And it sounds like Indy was a very special person. How you can make it to 9 months without her is beyond me. But I will listen to your advice and sympathy carefully -- caring thoughts from you and all the other people who miss their special person mean the world to me. Thanks Yoli. --Mark 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted February 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2021 Mark, I'd like to wish you my deepest sympathy on the loss of Sandra. Reading your story is so emotional and heart breaking. I also can relate to what you went through as my wife passed away 5 weeks after finding out she had cancer. Hers was a 1 in a million extremely rare adrenal cancer which gave her Cushing's disease. That is how we finally got the cancer diagnosed but by then it was too late. The suddeness of her passing has left me in shock and disbelief and like most here, have a lot of what if questions. My wife was a strong person, and she vowed to fight but the cancer treatments were too much for her and her body didn't respond. It was like my heart got ripped out from me knowing that she is gone and being alone in the house is gut wrenching and physically painful. It's not easy trying to cope and like others say, we have to plow on and hope for the best. We are all here for each other, and hopefully we can get some comfort from reading what everyone says. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 @Perro J: It warms my heart that you too now have a tie to Latin America. And I do have to admit to some frustrations with Brazilian bureaucracy -- they have some ferocious red tape. Indeed Brazil has areas of breathtaking beauty. Sandra took me to a few, but the plan was always to return often to see relatives and explore her native land. Alas, all those plans are the trash now. We did go to Rio together -- but specifically because the US consulate in Rio is the only place where fiance' visa interviews (K-1) are done. We went a few day early before the interview and were there for the New Year Eve festivities ("Reveillon"). The tradition is that eveyone wears all white cotton outfits and then at midnight throw white flowers into the ocean. And stays up until sunrise. Which we dutifully did. But a couple of 50-year olds saying up all night is different than doing the same thing when we were 25. By 9:00 am my beautiful Sandra looked worse for wear. Her makeup was smeared, her hair stringy and her white dress was a mess. But oh . . . . to me she was absolutely radiant. And when we finally fell into bed at about 10:00 am, she put an arm around me, pulled me tight and said "Happy New Year my love" and then immediately fell sound asleep. 3 days later we had our visa interview at the consulate and were granted a fiance' visa valid for 6 months and one entry to the US, after which we had 90 days to get married (as I mentioned, we didn't quite take the full 90 days, more like 18 hours). But now I'm just spilling out memories -- sorry -- didn't mean to do that. Anyway, Rio is OK, but the water is amazingly cold (Sandra wouldn't go in it, and I managed about 90 seconds in it). If you make it back to Brazil I would actually suggest one of the cities on the Northeast coast -- inexpensive and has pristine beaches and crystal blue water as far as the eye can see. Just stunning beauty. I think it's wonderful that you're going back. I hope time with her family is soothing. And I very much like the idea of going back on the anniversary of her passing. Latin American cultures are very similar, so I imagine Brazil has something similar (not a subject Sandra and I discussed). I will talk to her kids when the time is right and ask if they have a similar tradition. If so, I'll try to screw up my courage and go back for the ceremony. Thank you for the idea. Though right now the thought makes my stomach churn and the tears flow. Safe travels and best wishes, --Mark 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 @April Ballou April, Your story is heart-wrenching. I too was not allowed to see my loved one during the last days. And that haunts me. As I mentioned, I had a last small kiss, and then the next time I say her was in a casket. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. 38 years is a testament to your love. You and I and the others here have lost so much. It's just not fair. My deepest condolences -- and as others have said to me -- those words are written with the knowledge and understanding of the pain you're in. So sorry. --Mark 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted February 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 Yes it is hard to say goodbye, but I do know where he is and one day I will see him again. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted February 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 12 hours ago, KevinM said: As you can tell, many of us here have some version of this story. Maybe all of us. In some sense death is always sudden, no matter what came before. None of our stories are exactly like yours. Your pain is unique. We do have a glimpse into what it must be like, though, and I am so very sorry that you have to walk this road with us. Yes, losing our one and only is sudden, even when he has been fighting cancer for 15 months and even when I was with him on that last day, holding on to him, playing some of our favorite music on my tablet, and watching as his body wound down and his breathing slowed until the sudden shock of him not taking another. I sat there thinking, "How can I be so shocked when we knew this was coming?" But I guess until that final moment when I felt him leave this world for the next, I had a delusion that some miracle would occur or that I could will him to go on. Although our loss, grief, and journeys are unique, you're so right that all of us here understand each other. 10 hours ago, Maria_PI said: Yes, so well said! I need to remind myself of that every time the gut-wrenching guilt comes back to haunt me about what I could’ve / should’ve done to make my husband’s pain and suffering go away or what the doctors could’ve / should’ve done to cure him. It’s hard... Hugs to all! Indeed. I struggle with this still and maybe I always will. The "If only I/we/the doctors had..." and the "Why did/didn't I...?" are still guilt inducing, though not as deeply as at first. 23 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said: LMR: Looks like I need to quit posting while crying -- can't seem to do the quotes right. I better quit for the night. Another night of quietly saying Sandra's name while tears run on my pillow. Hi Mark. Your story breaks my heart. I am so sorry you have to be here with us, but you have found a good place to be. Coming here almost literally saved my life when I was wandering lost and hopeless. Even though I have a small, very loving and loyal circle around me, they're all too aware that they cannot fully understand. The members here do and they embraced me, comforted me, and allowed me space to just breathe. I hope we can be there for you too. Please keep coming here and talking. I've got to tell you that I cannot count the number of times I've ended up with tears streaming down my face (and the so delightful snot flowing along with them). I suspect we all have. And you're doing the quotes fine. When you quote a whole post that has a quote within it, I think the system drags the whole thing along. I wish I had some magic words to help, but all I can offer is my sympathy from someone who gets how impossible life seems now. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted February 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 Mark loves Sandra love never fades and neither will the loss of your beloved Sandra. My husband, Darrell was the only man I had ever been with. I was only 16 when we met right months later we got married. I was 17, I was in love for the first time. Darrell and I had our ups and downs just like most married couples but before we went to bed every night we always kissed and told each other that we loved them. Love like that seemed like they were only in story books. 38 years may seem like a long time but to me it wasn't long enough. It's the what ifs and why's that go through my mind. I just wished I could have gave him one more kiss and told him one more time that I love him. Darrell was a very special man. There will be nobody else. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 5 hours ago, Sparky1 said: It was like my heart got ripped out from me knowing that she is gone and being alone in the house is gut wrenching and physically painfu Sparky, And I feel exactly like that too. Yep, heart ripped out. I haven't been able to go back to our apartment (I'm staying with a relative). Well, that 's not true -- I tried to go in, took one look in Sandra's closet and saw the dress she was wearing when we got married hanging in the special place she kept it -- andI just lost it. I stumbled out of the apartment, locked the door and haven't been able to go back since. And Sparky -- 5 weeks from diagnosis to losing your wife??? I imagine all manner of well-meaning people said things like "She's so strong -- she'll beat this". That's what everyone told me about Sandra. And you allow yourself to believe it -- to take faith in it. Things will be fine. Because surely something like that couldn't happen to your loved one. And then it does. And suddenly you're in a fog of grief, and yet you look around and the world keeps turning, and for most of everybody else life just moves normally along. Your hopes and dreams have gone up in smoke and no one but a small circle of friends and relatives even notices. The world seems so cruel. At least that's how it feels to me. Even now as I type this I'm dreading going to bed. Because then I'll have to wake up and realize for the umpteenth straight day in a row that Sandra is still gone. Nothing changed overnight even though I fell asleep whispering her name and hoping beyond hope that somehow she will come back. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm so sorry. I wish I could change it for all of us. Seems like a nightmare. --Mark 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted February 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 That's how I feel every night that I get into that bed I wished Darrell was there. But I know that life goes on. I believe that if I could have stayed at that hospital things would have been different. Several times throughout our marriage Darrell was in the hospital for one thing or another and every time he was I stayed with him. They could have let me stay. I could have dressed in the same stuff they did to at least hold his hand. But no they thought it would be best that he was locked up like a prisoner inside of that hospital room. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SDC Posted February 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 I'm sorry you lost your beloved Sandra. I'm sorry it happened so quickly and that you're beating yourself up for not comprehending the possible severity of her illness. The regrets and what ifs are terrible and common. "If only I had" and "If only I hadn't" and "Why didn't I!?" and "Why did I?" ruminate in vicious, exhausting cycles. I think we do it in response to our lack of control and how our brains process it. Our love dying is the ultimate example of how little we control. We couldn't stop the worst thing from happening. We obsess about what we shoulda/woulda/coulda done in a fruitless attempt to go back and control anything by doing something different. As we live through what we couldn't control---our person's death---we fret about the things we did have control over and reexamine why we didn't do "better." But hindsight isn't fact based because it projects present knowledge on a past with different knowledge. I'm 9 months into my loss and I still do it, but not as intensely and I've developed some tools to stop/or at least shorten the ruminating thought cycles. It's good you shared your story here in such detail. Continue to find ways to get out of your head and seek validation for your feelings. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted February 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 9 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said: And Sparky -- 5 weeks from diagnosis to losing your wife??? 99.9 per cent of the time the tumor is benign, so we figured that once they removed the tumor, she would get better. That's what the specialist told us, unfortunately it was malignant and she did radiation and chemotherapy. After the chemotherapy, she went downhill because I think it was too aggressive for her body. I am devastated because they had told us she might have up to a year but she was in the hospital for 5 weeks and she didn't make it. I miss her so much , she was my life and I don't know how I'm going to make it without her. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 3 hours ago, April Ballou said: I believe that if I could have stayed at that hospital things would have been different. April, You and I have exactly the same thought -- if only we could have been in the hospital room with our loved ones we could have encouraged them to stay with us -- to "will" a different outcome. I believe that if I had spent the last night in the hospital before intubation I could have effected a different outcome -- and Sandra ASKED ME TO STAY ! Everyone else on here says we need to stop thinking like this because it will eat us up. I think they're right because my regrets are making me highly unstable. I can barely function. I feel certain that Darrell knew you wanted to be with him -- and I imagine that brought great comfort to him. You did the best you could. --Mark 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 hour ago, SDC said: I'm 9 months into my loss and I still do it SDC, Oh that is so worrying to read. I don't know that I can take 7 more months of this and still be wishing I had done "better". The regret pounds at me each day, and a voice in the back of my head keeps repeating: "YOU let her down when she asked for support." "YOU were worried about work in the morning when the light of your life asked you to hold her hand through the night." "And now YOU have to live with the consequences". I'm not certain at all that I can live with the consequences. But oh, it helps so much to hear supporting words from people like you. Thank you so much for helping with the woulda/coulda/shoulda -- I have it bad. --Mark 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted February 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 You are right and I'm sure Sandra knew that you wanted to be with her also. I will forever hold a very special place in my heart for Darrell. I know he is in heaven. One day soon I will see him again. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 4, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 hour ago, SDC said: But hindsight isn't fact based because it projects present knowledge on a past with different knowledge. So true! 18 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said: I have to admit I'm frightened by what you wrote -- you lost George15-1/2 years ago -- I can't imagine 15 years of this pain and longing for your soul mate. 15 years ! I don't think I can do this for 15 years. None of can do the "rest of our lives" but we CAN "do today," so stay in today, do one day at a time, that we can do. Sometimes we have to break it down to one hour or one minute in the early days. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 4, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 17 hours ago, April Ballou said: I too suffered the loss of my husband of whom I had been married to 38 years. Supposedly due to covid. Back in August of 2020 we had both gotten sick. We both started taking medicine for a cold. After about four days I got better, he was getting slowly worse. On a Friday I finally talked him into letting me take him to the hospital. I had to stay outside in my car. After about 30 minutes I received a text from him saying that they did a covid test and it was positive. They admitted him, they would not let me even go say bye or tell him that I love him. I drove home praying the whole way. The next day I received a call from the hospital telling me to self quarantine and to go get a covid test. I did self quarantine. Every day I called the hospital to check and see how my husband was doing, everyday it was the same answer, no change. They intubated him and put him in a come to help his lungs clear. The second week they changed doctors, a lady doctor took his case. Took time to use her cell phone to Google duo so I could at least see him on the phone. By this time they had put a trach and gave him a feeding tube, would wake him up everyday to see how he would respond. One time while we were Google duo he waved at me, blew me a kiss, and mouthed he loved me. It was the best thing. I blew him a kiss and told him I loved him. He then wanted to know where I was. I told him I was at come because they told me told self quarantine. That doctor left on a Friday and I never got to virtually see my husband again until the next Friday. During which time he went down. She returned to the hospital and called me asking me what had happened. I told her I didnt know. She finally gave me permission to go see him in person, but I could not touch him, I just got to see him through a glass door. I sat there praying the whole time. I talked to him, got no response. I was able to return the next day no change. I went home Sunday September 6, 2020 crying and praying the whole way. The next day I called the hospital and asked for the doctor to call me back, she did and told me to get up there as soon as possible. When I got there he was non responsive. I talked to my kids and to his mother plus prayed after three hours of praying and crying I had made the decision to cut the machines off. When I did they finally let me go in and say my goodbyes. I believe that he was already gone. Within about 15 minutes he was confirmed dead. September 7, 2020, labor day will never be the same. The love of my life is gone to be with God. I am so sorry that you also are going through this. I'm glad you came here and have been able to read/post with others that "get it." It helps. This is the hardest journey I've ever been on. I have learned more about myself through this than in the rest of my life together. It's changed me. Yes, I love and miss my George each and every day of my life, but the pain lessens eventually as we learn to adjust/cope with the changes it's meant for our lives. I want you to know there is that glimmer of light, although no one can say when as our timelines are all as unique as we and our relationships are. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Sparky1 said: 99.9 per cent of the time the tumor is benign Sparky, Yep, and covid results in only minor symptoms -- what -- 99.5% of the time (and yet that 0.5% has resulted in 400,000+ loved ones disappearing)? Heck, you probably know someone who had covid with virtually no symptoms. And somehow your wife was in the 0.1% of people with a malignant tumor. I feel like we won the despair/agony lottery. How could this happen? 1 hour ago, Sparky1 said: I miss her so much , she was my life and I don't know how I'm going to make it without her. Uhhhmmm, yeah. That's me too exactly. If our wives (and the other loved ones from this forum) were our lives -- how can we go on without "our lives". Straight out of "Jerry Macguire" -- Sandra completed me. And without her, I'm not all here. I'm lost. You clearly know what I mean. They were our lives . . . . --Mark 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted February 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Mark loves Sandra said: I feel like we won the despair/agony lottery. Mark, you know what one of the doctors told me? He said your wife's cancer is so rare, that she won the lottery in reverse. I looked up the statistics for adrenal cancer and here in Canada maybe 30 people get it in a year. In the States, 200 people get it in a year. My wife had bad luck all her life and I can't understand why she had to contract this cursed cancer. The only reason it was detected was that it manifested itself as Cushing's syndrome which started screwing up her body. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 2 hours ago, Sparky1 said: Mark, you know what one of the doctors told me? He said your wife's cancer is so rare, that she won the lottery in reverse. Sparky, I don't know what to say. It's all so random and unfair. Your wife was apparently something like one of 30 people in an entire country who contracts adrenal cancer, and Sandra died from a virus that gave me (and her kids/relatives) the sniffles. And we were powerless to change the outcome. And now we just walk around with intense pain thinking of the life we envisioned with these special women. I just don't understand . . . --Mark 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Mark loves Sandra Posted February 4, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 Everyone, You know, it seems very apparent that the only people who truly understand the agony associated with our losses are the people on this forum and others who have lost a loved one. Everyone else means well and tries to say comforting things, but they just can't grasp the sense of ultimate and permanent loss. I've been seeing a grief counselor but quit because, despite her best efforts, she just didn't "get" it. She even said some of the same things you all have said in this forum, but I could easily sense the lack of true understanding. When someone on this forum offers sympathy or advice, it has deep meaning to me (and everyone else I'm sure) because you all definitely GET it. For obvious reasons. When @ScotJ65 describes an "angel walking into his life" six years ago or @KevinM describes how in the blink of an eye a seemingly minor illness robbed him of his wife or @Perro J writes about being "loved with an intensity never felt before", or all you others who have opened your hearts and described your incredibly painful experience -- I know you understand why I can't accept that the love of my life is covered in dirt. Why tears are slowly trickling down my cheeks as I type this. Why I need my Sandra back . . . . You understand. Thank you all for the heartfelt sympathy. I wish I could change it for all of us. But I couldn't even change it for MY angel. Damn. --Mark 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kay TX Posted February 5, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 5, 2021 GRIEF is A TORTURE CHAMBER. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted February 5, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 5, 2021 9 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said: You and I have exactly the same thought -- if only we could have been in the hospital room with our loved ones we could have encouraged them to stay with us -- to "will" a different outcome. I believe that if I had spent the last night in the hospital before intubation I could have effected a different outcome -- and Sandra ASKED ME TO STAY ! Everyone else on here says we need to stop thinking like this because it will eat us up. I think they're right because my regrets are making me highly unstable. I can barely function. No way in heck am I going to suggest you stop dwelling on what happened or stop thinking and feeling the way you are. But you're right that the way you are feeling now will almost certainly be destructive over time. It's good that you came here to talk (and rant and scream, if you need to). Of course you can barely function right now! Your loss and grief are so new, raw, and all encompassing that nothing else registers. I do not and cannot know how you feel, but I sure know how I felt during those first weeks and months. Devastated doesn't even begin to cover it. Unstable? Yeah, that was right in there. Lost and hopeless? Yep. Functional? Well, that's highly debatable. Calling me a guilt ridden zombie gets closer to the truth. My brain barely worked and just getting out of bed and breathing seemed almost insurmountable at times. I guess what I'm trying to say in my own weird way is that I "get it" because I've been and am going through my own journey. Things to ponder/consider. I was in my husband's hospital room, often overnight "sleeping" in an uncomfortable infusion recliner or even just balanced between two chairs. I was with him most of the time at rehab, though I wasn't allowed to remain overnight. I was at home taking care of him throughout. I encouraged, begged, and pleaded with him to stay, to get better, to come home to me. But he couldn't. It wasn't weakness on his part; he fought for me and our girls longer and harder than I should have asked. All the urging, support, and love in the world from me wasn't and couldn't have been enough. It was his cancer that killed him, not anything about him or me. Likewise, while it would have been an emotional comfort for you both, being there with her would almost certainly not have changed the result. That leads me to my next thought. It's okay to regret and, for now at least, to even feel some guilt for not staying when she asked you to. But I can tell you from personal experience that it does no good letting the idea that "if only" we had been there more or done something different, then our loves wouldn't have died, suck us down so far and so deep that we can't find our way back. It's only natural for you to replay everything over and over in your mind right now. Most of us can relate to that. I'm glad your son is there to keep you from cycling that far down. I have to remind myself to this day that I am neither omnipotent nor a psychic. I berated myself for a long time--and again, sometimes still do--about not being able to save him. I questioned absolutely everything I did or didn't do; I asked over and over "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...? Truth be told, I do lay some blame on some of the doctors for not taking his change in symptoms seriously soon enough and for a bunch of small delays that added up to "What if?" in my mind. And I blame myself for some of those delays: I wasn't on the ball enough; I didn't push the doctors hard enough; I didn't nag him to get certain tests sooner. But all of that is 20/20 hindsight. We didn't know then what we know or think we know now. We'd all be perfect if we could go back for a do over, but we are imperfect human beings just trying to do what we can. And finally, your perfectly natural reactions along the way. I'm going to tell you a story about my mom and me. More than 10 years ago, she was dying from pancreatic cancer. We had finally gotten her to agree to hospice care. My husband and I lived less than 10 minutes away, so I was at her house for the day as usual. (Bless my John, he didn't complain about how much time I was away from home or helping take care of her then or in the many years after my dad died. And she was a handful, to put it mildly.) It was a good day on the whole with friends visiting and her hospice nurse giving her a good report. She was in good spirits and comforted by everyone. All except for me. Once again she had screwed up her checkbook because her brain was no longer functioning the way it had. She was extremely stubborn her whole life, so getting her to give up any independence was nearly impossible. I was exhausted, frustrated, and annoyed when she told me I needed to fix her account--again. I said (very snippy and angry), "Mom, I am taking your stupid checkbook away from you. I cannot keep spending 2 damn hours fixing your mistakes all the time!" Then I proceeded to find the errors and correct them. Later, I lovingly helped her get ready for the evening, made her a simple supper, convinced her to take her pain meds, got her settled, put on one of her favorite movies, and then just sat quietly with her. After a while, she shooed me out to "go home and see John; I'm fine." She died early the next morning, quietly and alone at home in just the way she said she wanted. I was the one who found her. For the next several hours, I was kind of on auto-pilot, but what kept running through my mind was that I yelled at her about a checkbook the day before, that and all the little times I had been unkind or impatient or irritated. I wondered why I hadn't been nicer or more comforting and berated myself over and over and over. Never mind that our last time together was good and loving, all I could see where my own flaws. When I told her best friend about it, her friend asked, "Would your mom have wanted you to hover over her, pity her, and treat her like she was weak or going to die the next day?" Well, no. "She would have wanted you to treat her the same way you always did." There are any number of times I can bring to mind from when my husband was fighting his cancer that I was overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and irritated with everything, including the man I love more than anything in the world. I have wished so many times that I could go back and be kinder, more patient, and even more loving and forgiving than I was then. Never mind that I almost always was or tried to be those all those things. I'm really good at seeing my flaws and not so good at forgiving myself for them. I think most of us are that way at least a little bit. It's only in hindsight that we torture ourselves with the "If only I had" thoughts. You are only human. You were tired, frustrated, and had no way of knowing the future. I am aware that you will continue to feel guilt and regret and doubts about yourself for some time to come. But I urge you to remember that we all have faults, we all wish for things we could do over, and that your wife loved the whole of you, as they say, warts and all. 8 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kay TX Posted February 5, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 5, 2021 Yes, HINDSIGHT is always 20/20. We were all cheated by TIME. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bennie Jets Posted February 5, 2021 Members Report Share Posted February 5, 2021 2 hours ago, foreverhis said: There are any number of times I can bring to mind from when my husband was fighting his cancer that I was overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and irritated with everything, including the man I love more than anything in the world. Wow, @foreverhis, thank you so much for your post! I gave you a set of angel wings for that even though I am not sure what they are for (as a comment) but they seemed appropriate to me. Your whole post was fantastically helpful. I just quoted the one line because I can relate to that the closest. I even would go back, for myself, to before he got the cancer. I blame myself for him getting the cancer. I sooo wish I could go back and re-do what happened then. You can drive yourself crazy. Even with all the extreme care you gave for years and all the love that was there and shown, you find one thing and bite into it like a pitbull. I don't know why we do that, but talking about it and hearing each other helps me a lot. Thank you for sharing your story. I still have to get the courage and energy up to post mine, in its entirety. Maybe I can't. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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