One After Another

[theRTRP 2]

I'm a respiratory therapist with 5 years experience. I've encountered all kinds of patients and I've loved every moment of taking care of them.

2020 was terrible though. It was March 14, 2020 when I first handled my Covid+ patient. It was also that night that I voluntarily quarantined myself at home. It's been work and my room. I have been on self quarantine since.

Unfortunately my first Covid+ patient was also my first Covid death. He wasn't the last too. It's been one death after another, it's exhausting. 

Since his death I have surpassed my patient death in a few months compared to my years of practice. They weren't just Covid deaths either. My line of work means that I take care of the sickest patients. A lot of those, I became friends with. They stayed in my care for quite some time that I started to get to know them. 

Before Covid, I usually had acute care patients. Now my patients stay for months. It is this reason that the deaths I see have become harder. I find myself crying at the most random times. I breakdown and hide in my bathroom. I have no one to comfort me because I am afraid I will pass the virus to them. I also can't let my mom know how I'm feeling. She's worried enough as it is.

This pandemic has been so tough. I feel so alone a lot of times. I can't chat with my mom like I used too. My workmates are on the same wavelength and I can't connect. My dreams and reality mix together. I wake up and show up for work tired. I have never thought and wanted to change career before this, I love my job. Right now all these pain I witness is making it hard to enjoy what I do.

I can't even properly put into words how I really feel. I've been wanting to write for a while, just couldn't. 

I'm just so tired and I don't mean physically.