I hate myself for saying goodbye so soon

[Jb39]

I am completely distraught, in pain and just suffering from the loss of my precious 2 and half year old cat. He started vomiting and I took him to the ER the next morning. Thought it was a stomach bug or he ate food that just didn’t settle. He always had hair balls too. In the morning I took him, his vitals were fine but they wanted to do testing. It was going to cost me over $800 I couldn’t afford that. So I asked if they could give him meds to settle his stomach. So he ended up no longer vomiting so I was glad because I thought all was ok. Well he ended up not eating anything at all the rest of the day at home which concerned me. I tried to force food/water but wouldn’t take. So the following day he started meowing a lot and looked uncomfortable. This was a Saturday so I had to go back to the ER. Something didn’t feel right. I had to open up a care credit card to pay for the testing because otherwise I couldnt pay it. Even though I did not want to have the debt. The vet called me and told me that he had a string wrapped up in his stomach that he had somehow eaten and it needed to be removed only by surgery and possible reconstructive surgery due to damage. She wouldn’t know unless she cut him open. Nothing else would work. So by that point I was already spending $750 for only the testing. I completely shut down knowing that I could not afford much more to save my baby. I got a call back and was told  $4400-$6000 for surgery as long as no complications etc. I started bawling my eyes out and I looked back at my children knowing that there was no way I could spend that kind of money to save him. I wanted to just die for real. So after calling members of my family getting their advice they agreed that putting him down was the only option. I had only gotten approved for $3500 for care credit and to even think of spending all that kind of money and going into more debt on top of taking care of my children I just couldn’t do it. I kept asking the women on the phone are you sure this is my only option are you sure? I can’t tell you how many times I asked.  All the while crying so hard thinking about my baby I was going to lose. 
I made the difficult decision to put him down and we got to spend some time with him before. 
Now after a week, I am feeling so guilty. Like maybe I should have found a way to pay for his surgery. I don’t know what the outcome would have been but I’m going over in my head what I could when done to change what happened. I don’t even know how he got the string. I don’t know how this even happened. Could he have pulled through and all would have been ok? At the same time having him going through all that pain of surgery scared me and thinking it would be worse for him. 

is it wrong that I chose this option? I have 2 children to provide for. I’m a single parent with already enough debt and on top of surgery would have put me in more.I had some savings but that was for my kids and other obligations. 
also I had been awfully sick. Had covid symptoms and was waiting on test results (ended up positive a day after). So even when I chose to put him down I couldn’t even go inside to be with him. 
I’m so hurt. I’m crying all day every day. I can’t focus. I hate myself. I try to be strong for my kids because ultimately they are the most important. It just really hurts so much. Any advice on how to cope? Thank you .  

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it is hard and it is great.  You ask if it was wrong to choose this option...this was your only option, unfortunately $ is a real consideration, much as we wish it wasn't.  We aren't all Rockefellers.  And you have to realize, there was a very real possibility that it would not have saved him.  It depends on what all was involved and whether or not it was redeemable.  I wish I could hug you.  I think all of us go through the what-ifs in our early grief as a way of finding some different possible outcome, but there is none, only the one that happened.  I took my beautiful sweet Husky/Golden Retriever in for a routine dental cleaning only to instead come home with a death sentence, he was my companion, soulmate in a dog, best friend since losing my husband and other dog.  It was the hardest thing in the world.  They said his cancer was inoperable, spread throughout, his liver shut down.  I provided hospice for him for two months, ten days, and then had him euthanized, they botched that and caused him excruciating pain at the very end, it was horrible to watch him in such pain when they were supposed to relieve his suffering and let him go out peacefully.  Tell your can you care sorry, speak to him, it helps.  You DO have children to take care of and that is a very real reality.  

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort to your broken heart...

I wrote this article about ten years after losing my husband, I've made it my life cause to help others through this, I know of nothing more difficult than the pain of grief.  I know it was written for loss of husband but some of it can be applicable in other losses as well...grief/loss is loss regardless of relationship, if it's big enough and dear enough to cause us grief, it's big enough to reach out for help and I'm glad you've done so.\

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jb39]

Thanks for your kind words. @KayC I keep replaying everything and I truly believe I had to make the decision that I did even though it hurt horribly. I hate that money is an issue. I don’t know what would have happened. I still go back and think maybe I should have opened up another card just deal with the debt. But then I think what if that money was needed for my kids. Or some big financial decision that I had to make and i put my family at risk. Ultimately my children are my priority even though they don’t understand and they are hurt by the result of what happened. 
I know eventually the pain will be easier to manage and the tears will stop coming daily. This is still so new and the wound is fresh so I know it will take time. If only there was a switch to just take away the pain. I know my cat Benny loved me so much as I did him. We miss him more than ever but he had a wonderful life with us and was loved so much. 
I am so sorry for your loss of your dog and how his end was painful. I wish our animals could live forever and never deal with pain. Take care. And thank you for the video and articles you shared. 

[KayC]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

You might try a pet grief counselor and ask them about EFT or EMDR to help with the haunting memories...it can be very traumatic to see images like that.  It was hard enough for me to watch my Arlie's botched Euthanasia because they under anesthetized him, causing him tremendous pain at the end.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html

[Gary55]

How heartbreaking to read this. You can't blame yourself, we would want to do the best for our pets and do when we can. However sometimes other factors need to be taken into consideration. The amounts involved are considerable. Vet costs are often a lot and there is no guarantee of the best outcome. You did what you could and please take comfort in that. 

[Anna J]

Hi.You kindly read my cat's story not long ago and also kindly left a very helpful comment.What happened to our cats is so similar.The whole story,the strings,the costs and the inability to afford them.The guilt,the pain,the what ifs,the loss of life taken much too early.I have been exactly the same way you are feeling now.Looking for some consolation I found an interesting post in regards to surgeries for animals.Let me quote from this person

"most time extreme measures to safe our furbabies only extend suffering ,confusion and stress they experience at the end of their lives.They don't understand ...all those medical procedures,the cold environment,strange smells and people around them.Just because we have the medical technology doesn't mean we should".

For some it may be shocking to find such words consoling but it has helped me a lot.I mean ,you and I did what we could to save our friends.It is not always possible to do more.You loved your boy and he knew it.When he was here you gave him your best and provided as much as you could.Benny would like you to be happy and forgive yourself.Stay strong.I am sending you hugs I hope that you heal well and soon.All the best.

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry to read this and heartbroken for you. You did the best you could and ultimately you have to protect your kids and these days - who knows what's going to happen next? I know it doesn't make it any easier. It's a tragedy of which you are not the criminal, you are victim as well. So, try to remove the guilt and let yourself grieve for your sweet kitty as you deserve to. 

[KayC]

It does help to come here and know there's others going through similar experiences that understand, and each of us here were very caring parents.  We'd give our lives for our pets the same as children!  And I DID!  When I was hiking with my son's family, Arlie and I were about 20' ahead on the trail when suddenly it narrowed, it had washed away.  Arlie was 140 lbs, a big boy, and he suddenly lost his footing with his hind feet...there was a sheer drop-off to the left, NO ROOM, and I instinctively reached out and grabbed his hind end back in, and amazingly he got footing on the narrow trail again.  My son, watching from behind, turned white as his life flashed before his eyes, he thought he'd lose us both, and said, "Next time, let the dog go!"  I said, "Never!"  I'd do the same for you kids (he was a grown man with a family of his own by then), I could NEVER let Arlie fall down there and suffer to death, all alone, I'd rather be right there with him.  You don't get time to think in such instances anyway, and it was a natural motherly reaction to protect.  That I wasn't able to save him from cancer broke me.  I will forever regret that, but it was not an option by then.    It is so sad that we, who had such great love with our pets, should come to this, that it ends in such horrible feelings as guilt/regret!  So important to point out to ourselves each and every day of their life that had GOOD in it!  The loving homes we provided, walks we went on, loving care we gave them, and all of the love and play with them!

[Gary55]

Great Post KayC. I can imagine you both on the trail and you grabbing Arlie. I'd like to think I'd have done the same. I could never have lived with myself if Goldie had been in that position and fell. There is a walk near me which we wet on sometimes. At one bit there is a sheer drop, I always put hiim on the lead then. I actually stopped going all the way along because of this as sometimes it was slippy. He never seemed happy we turned back but like us all on here he was more than a pet.