My little Buttons passed away from liver failure and I blame myself

[Buttons12821]

Buttons passed away from liver failure and I completely blame myself.  His passing was painful.  I awoke around 3:30-4am. Buttons started to cry out, his front paw was stuck on my chair.  I immediately unhooked his claw thinking that's all it was. Then I noticed dark colored vomit on the chair and he seemed "different." I carried him to the couch and placed him on his favorite spot.  He just laid there listless.  His eyes were extremely dilated just starting back at me.  I touched his ears and they didn't twitch, I touched his nose and there was no crinkle, I touched his tail and it barely moved.  Finally, I lifted his chin with my finger and then he started to move around, cry out in pain, vomit bile, and convulse.  I knew then at that very moment he was dying.  I ran into my room heart racing I fell to the floor crying frantically.  Then immediately I pulled myself together and went back to check on him.  Still alive.  I carefully picked him up, placed him on a towel, and called an animal hospital.  I told them my cat was dying and needed to be put down.  Then I started getting dressed but couldn't focus and kept walking back and forth from my bedroom to the living room with Buttons.  He cried out two more times then went silent.  I went to check on him and he was gone.  I touched his side and nothing, I put my finger to his nose and nothing, his eyes were wide open dilated and lifeless, and his little mouth was gaped open.  He released fluid that I think was urine but it was a dark color and strong odor.  I went to get another towel and when I came back to where Buttons was I saw his arm slide forward.  I thought maybe he was still alive, but no... Then I wrapped him in the towel and place him in his carrying cage on last time.  At some point I called the animal hospital back to let them know Buttons had passed way.  They actually asked me if he passed on his own...  I decided not to keep his ashes, instead I was given some of his fur and an imprint of his front paws.  I blame myself for not doing more earlier at the first signs of illness.  But he's gone.  No matter how much I cry, blame myself, or refuse to forgive myself he's not coming back.  At times, I just don't want to go on.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my 25 year old Kitty a year ago...her first sign of not feeling well was Christmas 2019, but she seemed better the next couple of days, then worst.  She hated car rides and I kept waiting for her to feel better as she always had.  She had never been to the vet.  I'd gotten her when she was 12 and my cat rescue lady said it's not good to give an older cat vaccines so I quit trying to catch her on the one day a week the vet came to our country town.  She was incredibly healthy.  But after this Christmas she slowly began deteriorating...it's always easier to see this in retrospect.  We had a puppy that she was horrid to, I realize now she was afraid and wanted left alone so she's strike out at him first.  He never did anything to warrant it, kept his distance but he was curious about this "creature that made such racket!"  I called and made a vet appointment to have her euthanized...by this time, they said, her kidneys and liver had shut down and there is no treatment for that.  I'd figured her kidneys had as she was peeing a lot and was hardly eating, she'd lost half her body weight.  They said she had thyroid problems but that was treatable.  At 25 you don't expect them to last much longer, but she'd always had such good health, I kind of thought she'd be the first exception.

Over all, her passing was peaceful and I prayed she'd be at peace with the hour long ride to the nearest vet.  She was, that in itself was a miracle.  I got some quality time with her the night before and also in the veterinary office and I'm very thankful for that.

I'm not sure why you're blaming yourself.  He's beautiful and it sounds like he had a good life with you.  We provided a good home and lots of love, what more could they have wanted?  I know we go through all of the what-ifs in an effort to find some different possible outcome other than the one that happened, but none other exists save the reality that is ours now.  It's just that it's so hard to take in, to process.  It takes time.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort to your broken heart...

 

 

[Buttons12821]

Thank you so much for your reply and I'm sorry for your loss as well.  I blame myself because he had lost his appetite awhile prior to his death but I thought he would just snap out of like he had before.  After reading about how dangerous it is for cats to go days not eating or drinking water and vomiting constantly I decided to take him to the vet.  They told me the inside of his ears was yellow and he might have something wrong with his liver and he needed blood work to accurrately diagnosis him.  Unfortunately, I couldn't afford blood work so they offered to give him an infusion of medication to "jumpstart" his organs and remedy whatever was plaguing him.  I planned on bringing him back but never did.  He stopped vomiting, started drinking water, and showing interest in food again.  He starting eating again or so I thought...  Until 1-2 days before his death he was still "eating", drinking, and using the litter box.  Of course now I realize he had fatty liver disease and most likey died from liver failure and his organs shutdown.  You see back in March I switched jobs to something less stressful but that paid a lot less.  Money was really tight, I was on probation at my new job for a year after which time I would be able to apply for better paying positions within the company.  I started working from home because of the pandemic.  I ordered my cat's regular food from "Chewy's" and he and Samantha started vomiting.  At first I thought it was because they were eating too fast but then after reading reviews on "Chewy's" about other owners experiencing similar issue with their pets I stopped feeding them this food.  I fed them both a wet food they were familiar with but after a week Buttons stopped eating.  I thought he tired of the wet food since his diet primarily consisted of dry.  He would ear one day and stop the next.  I tried giving him a different dry, that he had eaten in the past, everyday.  Again, he would eat and then stop.  I really thought he would get better since in the past he would stop eating for a day or 2 and snap out of it.  When I finally accepted that something was seriously wrong I started searching online for more affordable pet care.   I called different places, but no one answered, or there were no appointments available.  Still working from 9:30-6 and the threat of being terminated if I missed more than 2 days during probation I found it difficult to focus and make time to keep calling around.  I could barely afford my rent, cell phone, and high electric bill so the thought of affording extensive testing and treatment seemed hopeless.  Now I wish I had someway somehow made financial sacrifices and made more of an effort to find affordable care for him.  Buttons was only 13 years old and had more life left to live, he fought hard to live and never gave up.  My baby died a needlessly painful death that could have been avoided but I failed him.  I was supposed to protect him at all costs but I failed him.  I don't think I'll ever forgive myself nor do I believe I deserve forgiveness.  I even thought about giving him to the woman's humane society or have him euthanized months before, but I was selfish.  I loved him so much but couldn't be in the same room with him as he cried out in pain as he took his last breath.  I even had the nerve to try to rationalize that it was just his time since my other cat is doing just fine.  I say to myself "they both ate the same food so why didn't she stop eating.  Maybe Buttons had an underlying illness." But the reality is Buttons is dead and Samantha lost her playmate and companion.  The only reason I can think to continue to live is because I am responsible for Samantha.  I won't get anymore pets after Samantha is gone.  The loss of a pet is just way to devastating.  

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry for your loss of Buttons.

You did the best you could under all the circumstances. It's possible and quite likely since the liver is an organ that only gets worse once it's failing - you'd have spent a ton of money and simply prolonged his discomfort or worse, pain. Cats hide their illness very well and Buttons sounds like he was sick for some time.   And as awful as it was, at least he was at home with you and not alone at the vet or lost, etc. I try to look for some small bit to feel good about. That said, I totally understand the incredible pain you are in - I lost my last cat in a horrible way too (poison supposedly) so I know the shock to see your cat suffer at the end. It's hard to get out of your mind.  

Please come back and write to get out your feelings. And try to set the guilt aside. You deserve to grieve your loss and not also hate yourself for it. 

[Buttons12821]

I think you may be correct about Buttons being sick for some and I definitely considered that l might have spent money to just prolong the envitable.  But what brought me to tears was when you stated I deserve to grieve but not hate myself for it.  When I grieve and try not to blame myself I start to come to terms with his death and then I feel myself starting to move on a little and stop thinking about him so much.  I then feel guilty for feeling a little better because our bond was so strong, much stronger than with Samantha.  I relive the moments of his death in my mind and somehow someway it keeps me closer to him.  I think how can I smile, laugh, or enjoy myself in anyway possible when he's dead and didn't die peacefully either.  I think maybe if his passing hadn't been so writhed with pain and suffering and if I hadn't been witness to all of what he went through I might be able to detach myself.  I never want to forget him and a part of me feels like if I forgive myself I'll eventually forget him.  What I wouldn't give to hold, cuddle, play with, see, and smell him again (he even smelled good).  Thank you again for your encouraging words.  I keep going for Samantha and vow not to make the same mistakes with her that I did with Buttons.  

 

[Gary55]

Really sorry to read about Buttons. I don't think you should blame yourself at all, you loved him so much. It seems we focus on the end and not the life we had with them. I know that's how I feel, I lost my boy Goldie 7 weeks ago and have been through all the ifs and could haves. His end was quick, although he had kidney disease for 3 years, the kidneys failed on the Saturday after him not being himself on the Friday night. I don't think any of us did wrong, it's just we search for answers when we can't do anything else. I've also felt like I don't want to feel better, as that would be like forgetting him. It's so difficult, they wouldn't want us to think that way I suppose. 

[Buttons12821]

Thank you for your reply.  I'm so glad I found this site.  This is the first time I've really had a chance to describe how I feel so completely.  I appreciate the honesty and compassion, especially from other pet owners.  Yesterday I started to realize I've been dwelling on his sickness and torturing myself with the memories of his death.  I really need to begin focusing on all the memories of his life and not just focus on his death.  His life consisted of joy, happiness, playfulness, silliness, naughtiness, and unconditional love.  The grieving process of losing a pet is an intense process but I'm glad i found this site to help me get through this.  I sincerely appreciate everyone's replies and I'm so very sorry for everyone's loss.

[KayC]

You mentioned you have another one, so I wanted to share this with you, when I lost my husband my dog definitely grieved, and his cat ran away after two months after realizing he wasn't coming back, I wish I could have foreseen that.  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

[Buttons12821]

I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for the link.  Samantha has been grieving in her own special way for the last few days.  She's much more clingy, she's eating less (but still eating), lays where he used to sleep and where he passed away, and she wanders around like she's searching for something.  I talk to her, play, and give her affection.  I've heard animals can grieve to death but I've been keeping an eye on her and being extremely attentive.

[KayC]

Hachi is a true story about a dog waiting for his master to return for YEARS, for the rest of his life. It took place in Japan, they put up a statue in the dog's honor.  It was really a good movie, yes animals grieve too.

[catawampus]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Buttons is so cute. It's so clear how much he was loved. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are not to blame. They hide their illness so well at times. We think they're improving because they suddenly start nibbling on their food again or they suddenly start acting like their old selves again. And then the next day they stop eating once again, begin acting strange. Something very similar happened to my kitty years ago. I didn't have the money for vet bills and tests and more tests. I kept hoping it was just a temporary ailment and she would bounce back, which she seemed to do for awhile. I kept trying different foods thinking she was just being finicky. And when she died it seemed so sudden when really I should have seen the signs rather than excusing them away and hoping for the best. But I've had other kitties where I did everything I could when I was "supposed" to, spent the money, did everything "right". And still they died. The one commonality is that no matter how it ends, no matter what we do or don't do, we find a way to blame ourselves for every decision we make. The guilt and the regret and the blame we heap on ourselves is pure torture. The tears never seem to stop. That aching emptiness never seems to go away. But it does. And it will for you in time. As painful and awful as it is, let yourself grieve. Don't try to be strong when what you really want to do is lay down and cry. Let yourself heal, take your time, spend time with Samantha and heal together. 

This site saved my life more than once. The people here are amazing. All so kind and thoughtful. As much as I don't wish this kind of pain and loss on anyone, I'm glad you are here.

Biscuit's Dad

[Buttons12821]

Thank you for your reply.  Everything you described about what you went through is extremely similar to what I just went through.  This site has been such a comfort.  All of th replies I've received is make the grieving process more bearable.  Samantha and I are a comfort to each other.  She's so full of life, high energy, and extremely vocal.  I can tell she misses Buttons just as much as I do.  I'm able to think about Buttons without bursting into tears, which is good because I think my crying was having an impact on Samantha.  Time truly does heal.

[KayC]

Just keep coming here and posting as often as you want, we are here to listen and respond, same as other were here for us.  Sending you warm thoughts today, I know this is hard to go through.

[Buttons12821]

Thank you for your kind words.  Everyday let's a little easier thanks to all the thoughtful replies.  I don't think I'll ever get over Buttons death.  I still hurt but I'm trying not to linger in the pain.  I still have Samantha and she needs, or better yet we need each other.

[KayC]

You are doing what you can, that's all any of us can do.  Wishing you and Samantha many good years ahead.

[Buttons12821]

Thank you.