Loss of my Mother

[Kelsi32]

My Mom was diagnosed with vulva melanoma in 2017. They stopped treatment after she had a seizure and ended up in a Medically induced coma for a week. They did a PET scan 6mths later and said she was cancer free. Her oncologist didn’t do another scan until October 2020 due to pain and vomiting.  she was diagnosed with secondary stage 4 peritoneal metastatic cancer. She only lived 3 months. I spent the last week of her life with her at the hospital trying to get her into a nursing facility but she had signed a DNR and started to bleed out internally from the tumors and passed quickly. I walked in on her right after she passed and saw she had stopped breathing and vomited on herself. I had a panick attack. As her POA and executor I had to plan her funeral then fly back to Germany where I live. The feeling of grief feels like the worst anxiety you can imagine along with general sickness feeling. My mom is gone forever. How do I navigate through my grief and trauma? I know I’ll never be the same now and will miss her until it’s my time to leave this earth. 

[Monty]

Kelsie32,

What a journey it has been for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. I think we just learn to live with and around our grief. It does become less intense with time but is always with us (at least that is the case for me). We just try it put one foot in front of the other, inhale and exhale and do our best.

Personally, I have had a very emotional week as today is 3 months since I lost my wonderful Dad. I am crying as I type this. I miss him so much. I just try to be brave and continue to try and make my parents proud. Even though they are not physically with me on this earth anymore. 

Please know that you are not alone. There are people on this forum who understand your pain and loneliness. Be kind to yourself. Your Mum would want you to look after you. Hugs. 

[BEQUET93]

I think that Monty is correct. The loss of a parent is something that will be with us, till the end of our own lives, but we come to adapt to it. My mom would often talk about her grandparents and how much she missed them and that was decades after their deaths. She talked about how much she missed her parents. I try to keep in mind that, at various points in her life, she felt what I am now feeling and was able to move forward with her life. Heck, I once was showing old family photos to my niece and came across one of my grandma as a child. It was about 6 years after her death, but I started crying and missing her, all over again. From time to time, I have dreamt of my father and grandmother and I assume that the day will come when I start dreaming of my mother. I hope it is soon.

My condolences to the both of you. The 2nd will mark 3 months since my mother's death and I imagine that it is going to be a day of crying and reliving those final weeks.

[Trikwuchi]

A couple of things mentioned have struck a chord with me. I feel like Kelsi I'll never be the same until I go after losing my mum 3 weeks ago. 

On the other hand I see that she coped with the loss of her mum and went on to live a joyful life. It's just to early and I feel angry as sge died of covid. She would still be here otherwise and I feel robbed of years more of her in my life. 

 

[MelissaJ]

I am dealing with a similar situation in which my mother learned she had vulva cancer and being that she was initially misdiagnosed, did not get treatment for some time after. Covid delayed things as well. Despite having surgery, chemo, and radiation, my mother has not gotten better. It spread to her lymph nodes and I learned today it is in her lungs. She has multiple tumors and is stage 4. I want to see her but she is in the hospital and I cannot due to covid. I do not believe she has long and am trying to prepare myself for the worst. I was able to see her a couple weeks ago and she looked like she was not going to be on this earth much longer. I am full of grief because I dealt with infertility for 10 years, (which brings it's own grief) and now that I finally am blessed with twins through IVF, am losing my mother. My kids will not get to grown up to know their grandmother. I am going to celebrate my 1st mother's day this year while likely grieving my own mother. Not to mention I understand the loss of a parent, already. I lost my dad as a kid. I have further lost 2 other friends to cancer the last couple months, and another to covid. It is really a lot!! 

[Trikwuchi]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  It's just devastating losing your mum. I lost mine 6 weeks ago. 

You also have the loss of 3 close friends too. It's heartbreaking. 

I have to congratulate you on your pregnancy.  I know there's so much to process. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Kelsi32]

MelissaJ I’m so sorry for what your going through. My mom was diagnosed with bulbs melanoma on 2017 it spread to her organs last October and she passed in January. It happened so fast and I miss her so much every day. All I can say is spend as much time with her as you can even if it’s just FaceTiming or talking on the phone you won’t regret it. Mother’s Day is going to be really hard for all of us but I like to think that our moms would want to celebrate their lives somehow. I’ll be lighting a candle and buying myself my moms favorite flowers and thinking of her. 

[ektk]

My mom is passed away about a week ago at age 63. She battled cancer for many years and although he cancer was fairly stable she started having repeated infections and it seemed as though her body just could handle anymore treatment. I am devastated too feel she was robbed of so much life....even the last 5 to 10 years were marked by chronic pain and suffering. She never let it show though. She was my best friend and had such a sweet and unique personality. There wI'll never be a way to fill the void left by her loss and I struggle with knowing if she is safe/happy where ever she is now and if she can still see and enjoy us all here on earth until we meet again.