Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Lost with my mom's behaviors after dad's passing


Lost child21

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My mom and dad were together for over 36 years. Not even a year later my mom is now dating his friend she is displaying behavior that is not like her. She is lying where she's going because she is with him. She is out of her character with her language how she's dressing she is already telling this guy that she loves him I do not know how to handle this or what to do we are arguing now all of the time and it's about her behaviors and I'd let her know that I feel like this is wrong with what she is doing she's not acting like a grandmother to her grandchildren she just is only caring about herself I don't know what to do

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

These things are tough. I will give a backstory about a similar experience I had, in the mid-90's. My dad died in May of 1994. He and I weren't buddies, but he was dad and I have long been of the opinion that you dance with who brought you. In September of 1994, the man my mom had dated before meeting my dad started calling her. I can remember being beside myself with anger. It felt like she was cheating on my dad. Within a year and a half, mom had sold the house my father had built and in which I grew up and moved to a more remote house, where she and that fellow could have more privacy. She was acting bizarrely and spending thousands on cars, jewelry, and clothes. In the end, it was revealed that the man was also and alcoholic and a gambling addict who was violent towards my mother and always needed money to cover his debts. By 1999, that relationship was over.

In the decades that followed, there were many times mom and I talked about those years and I think her explanation of why she did what she did might in some way be applicable to what is going on with your mother. She and dad had been married for 28 years and she suddenly found herself alone. My sister had married and lived elsewhere. My brother had joined the military. I was at the university and could only come home on weekends. Most of the week, she was alone in a silent house where almost everything reminded her of dad and of her children when they were still small. She had never been alone and when that old boyfriend reappeared, it was her opportunity to not be alone and she took it. That relationship was a product of her grief over losing a husband she had been with since the age of 17 and her children becoming adults with their own lives. 

My guess is that your mother's relationship is because of a similar reason. Nothing in your post leads me to believe that the man your mom is seeing is the exploitative monster my mom's boyfriend was, but I think that she suffered a major loss, doesn't want to be lonely, and is just trying to cope with what happened. It hurts to see the surviving parent with someone other than the one we lost. In a way, it can be like having your world turned upside down, for a second time, but I imagine it is difficult, especially after 36 years of marriage, to be without companionship. 

My best wishes to you and your family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you for your share on this topic. I do feel the guy whom my mother is seeing is not a good guy he parties been married 4 different times and he is changing my mom. Who my mom is. This not her normal character. I want to talk to her about this. But how do I? she's so defensive about everything! I don't want us to start off arguing. And it's almost like when u tell a kid don't do something they do it just cuz u said no. I feel she is rebeling. I am so flabbergasted from who she's becoming. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Some people can't take the loneliness.
Loneliness makes a lot of people do crazy things. We had a neighbor who let his wife spend everything including his house. His brother told him to get rid of her but he said he didn't want to be alone. He was willing to lose all his money including his house than to be alone.
Not many months after my best friend died, her husband told me he was looking for another partner. They'd been together for 15 years. He wasn't able to cope with being alone. He had a new partner only 1 year after his wife died.
Your mother is also older and probably thinking there aren't many opportunities anymore to get another man.
She's lying because she knows you don't approve.
You might have to wait like BEQUET93 had to wait for her mother to work it out her way.
Sometimes all we can do is allow them to live their life the way they choose while we wait on the sidelines and be there to pick them up.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I agree with the reply’s my friend, loneliness is probably killing your mom, let her make the mistakes she must make just let her know you are there for her when she needs you, live your life and let her live her life....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.