My Mom is gone.

[Hudson]

I lost my Mom 10 weeks ago. I'm staring at her urn and can't get it through my head that she's in there. She went back and forth to the hospital so many times and she always came back. I think I'm waiting for her to come back. I'm not delusional, but the thought of never seeing her again is so painful. When I wake up the pain starts again and I'm counting the hours till bedtime so I can forget. I have never felt more alone in my life.

[Trikwuchi]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mum 2 and a half weeks ago. It feels unreal.  It doesn't always sink in.

I wish she could come back. It's hard. 

Do you have family support?

[BEQUET93]

I hope that the both of you will accept my condolences. On November 2nd, I lost my mother, after she endured a short battle with pancreatic cancer. My grandma was my best friend, but my mom was my mom and I have never felt so lost and afraid. Her urn is in my living room and, each morning, when I have returned home from work, I go in there to talk to her ashes. I know how you feel. My mom came to live with me, in 2014, and I still feel like she should be in the living room, watching the news or old Westerns. Sometimes it really hits me that she is gone and it feels unreal. All I can say is that we have to take it one day at a time and wait for the day when we will have come to terms with the loss of our mothers. Losing a mom leaves a gaping hole in the fabric of our respective realities. They would understand why we feel as we do, but they wouldn't want us to suffer. Best wishes to the both of you

[Hudson]

Thank you for replying. I'm so sorry that this happened to both of you. It's the most painful thing that has ever happened in my life. My sister is here with me. I'm not working  and because of Covid, I don't go out.. I was so used to seeing her face every morning and now I see her urn. It's not sinking in that she is in there. I was with her at the end. I held her hand and spoke to her until she passed away.  I'm very grateful that she didn't die alone. Like all those poor families that had to say goodbye over a phone because of Covid.  I just wish I could have saved her.

[Trikwuchi]

Hudson, I know the feeling of wishing you could have saved her. It really is the most painful (and cruel) thing that has happened to me. 

Like you, I was with her when she passed. Held her hand, prayed and talked to her. She knew she was dying and that hurts me so much, but she accepted it peacefully. 

It's so difficult and I don't know how or when life for me will be doable. I know mum would want me to keep going as I have kids too.  She would want me to smile again. 

My love for her is never ending. I'm so sorry we're all I'm this position. 

[AnnieHB]

I lost my mom on December 6th. She was in hospice care at her home and her hospice nurse brought Covid into her home and gave it to her and to my dad. My dad survived but my mom did not. It has been a rough past month and a half and I don't think this is something that any of us will get over soon. I take comfort in knowing that she is with Heavenly Father and is out of the suffering that she had to endure for the past 8 years, however. Im thankful for all of you here discussing and supporting each other as we face the worst. i know that we will never "get over" such a tragic loss and that there will be others but I feel like I am learning more about how strong of a person I am and with that I can see that it is this strength that my mom instilled in me and I am thankful. I have promised myself to take the rest of my life to appreciate things more and to make her proud of what I did with the pain. Love to all of you. 

AHB

[Trikwuchi]

16 hours ago, AnnieHB said:

I lost my mom on December 6th. She was in hospice care at her home and her hospice nurse brought Covid into her home and gave it to her and to my dad. My dad survived but my mom did not. It has been a rough past month and a half and I don't think this is something that any of us will get over soon. I take comfort in knowing that she is with Heavenly Father and is out of the suffering that she had to endure for the past 8 years, however. Im thankful for all of you here discussing and supporting each other as we face the worst. i know that we will never "get over" such a tragic loss and that there will be others but I feel like I am learning more about how strong of a person I am and with that I can see that it is this strength that my mom instilled in me and I am thankful. I have promised myself to take the rest of my life to appreciate things more and to make her proud of what I did with the pain. Love to all of you. 

AHB

Annie,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I totally agree with you about appreciating things and making your mum proud. 

I feel the same and hope I can get to a place where life is enjoyable again. I know my mum would want that for me.

At the moment it's just too raw and painful to even contemplate.

[Kelsi32]

I lost my mom 2 weeks ago to peritoneal cancer. I’m only 32 years old and it feels way too soon and not fair but I’m sure it hurts just as bad at any age. I keep picturing her body laying in that mausoleum and picturing her like I found her right after she had passed. Those images may haunt me the rest of my life. Losing someone is difficult but losing a mom is utter hell. I’m so sorry we’re all going through this loss. I find a little bit of relief in knowing she’s not suffering in pain although I know she’d prefer to be here without cancer. 

[Trikwuchi]

4 hours ago, Kelsi32 said:

I lost my mom 2 weeks ago to peritoneal cancer. I’m only 32 years old and it feels way too soon and not fair but I’m sure it hurts just as bad at any age. I keep picturing her body laying in that mausoleum and picturing her like I found her right after she had passed. Those images may haunt me the rest of my life. Losing someone is difficult but losing a mom is utter hell. I’m so sorry we’re all going through this loss. I find a little bit of relief in knowing she’s not suffering in pain although I know she’d prefer to be here without cancer. 

Kelsi

Sorry for the loss of your mom. It's heartbreaking and I understand the feeling of being robbed.

It isn't fair at all to lose her at 32 with so much more life to live and things to enjoy. 

I lost my beautiful mum 3 weeks ago to this deadly covid and I'm simply devastated and heartbroken about it. She'd still be here if not for covid. 

On 29/01/2021 at 9:01 PM, AnnieHB said:

I lost my mom on December 6th. She was in hospice care at her home and her hospice nurse brought Covid into her home and gave it to her and to my dad. My dad survived but my mom did not. It has been a rough past month and a half and I don't think this is something that any of us will get over soon. I take comfort in knowing that she is with Heavenly Father and is out of the suffering that she had to endure for the past 8 years, however. Im thankful for all of you here discussing and supporting each other as we face the worst. i know that we will never "get over" such a tragic loss and that there will be others but I feel like I am learning more about how strong of a person I am and with that I can see that it is this strength that my mom instilled in me and I am thankful. I have promised myself to take the rest of my life to appreciate things more and to make her proud of what I did with the pain. Love to all of you. 

AHB

Annie,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I totally agree with you about appreciating things and making your mum proud. 

I feel the same and hope I can get to a place where life is enjoyable again. I know my mum would want that for me.

At the moment it's just too raw and painful to even contemplate.

[skeedutch]

Hi All,  While this is such an awful and difficult time of each of us.  I am grateful to have found this forum where we can share our feeling of loss.  

My sweet mom left this past November.  Once week before her birthday, and two days before mine.   I took care of her from the beginning of this awful pandemic in February until shortly before my birthday.  After 9 months I was convinced to give myself a short break to recharge from "caretaker fatigue", so I chose to go away to celebrate my 50th.  Three days later my mom was gone.   The overwhelming feelings of guilt I've been enduring for this selfish choice has been tearing me apart.  I am working through it each day and trying not to blame myself, but it is a struggle.

I wish you all strength, peace and most of all no guilt.  We all loved our mothers and I'm sure we did all we could until the end.

 

[Hudson]

I wish this wasn't happening to all of us.  It's unimaginable pain. I worry that it will never go away. I am heartbroken. My Mom was the only one that really understood me.  I feel like I have to explain my feelings to everyone else.  She was always smiling and happy, even though she was sick for a long time. I do appreciate all the postings. It makes me feel less alone. 

[Trikwuchi]

12 hours ago, skeedutch said:

Hi All,  While this is such an awful and difficult time of each of us.  I am grateful to have found this forum where we can share our feeling of loss.  

My sweet mom left this past November.  Once week before her birthday, and two days before mine.   I took care of her from the beginning of this awful pandemic in February until shortly before my birthday.  After 9 months I was convinced to give myself a short break to recharge from "caretaker fatigue", so I chose to go away to celebrate my 50th.  Three days later my mom was gone.   The overwhelming feelings of guilt I've been enduring for this selfish choice has been tearing me apart.  I am working through it each day and trying not to blame myself, but it is a struggle.

I wish you all strength, peace and most of all no guilt.  We all loved our mothers and I'm sure we did all we could until the end.

 

Please don't feel guilty for going to celebrate your 50th. You did need to recharge yourself, as caretaking is very hard and emotionally difficult with a loved one.

Your choice wasn't selfish at all and as she was so ill, the outcome would have been the same. 

Don't beat yourself up no be kind, as what we're going through is so so painful, without placing anything else on ourselves. 

[Hudson]

Hi all.  Guilt vs. grief. They are both hard to live with. Even when you know you couldn't have changed things.  I took care of my Mom for so long. Her health deteriorated right around the time Covid started. I talked to all her doctors, managed medications, bathing, food,  vital signs etc...  I have some medical in my background. I tried everything I could to save her. When she past away, I felt so bad that I didn't do something right. I should of been able to save her. I tried so hard, but in the end it didn't matter what I did. Her body was tired and her heart in such bad shape that I couldn't have changed that.  I think about it everyday.

[skeedutch]

Hi Hudson.  I can understand what you went through.  I wanted to help my mom so much, and even though I know I did my best, I can't help but feel I let her down.   I hope some day we can both accept that we were there for our moms and that we could not control their fates no matter how hard we tried.  Please stay strong and take care of yourself.   

[Hudson]

Skeedutch,

Thank you for replying.  It means a lot to know that I'm not alone.  

[Kelsi32]

I spent the last week of my moms life at the hospital with her enduring she was being take of properly and I tried to make her as comfortable as possible. At that time we were trying to get her into a nursing home, we didn’t know she’d die so fast before that could happen. She had signed a DNR so when the doctor asked if I wanted them to put her on a ventilator I said no. I’m glad I didn’t go against the DNR because little did we know she was bleeding internally from the tumors and there was nothing we could have done. She passed during a very small window in which I wasn’t there. I felt bad there wasn’t more I could do. We do all we can for them out of love but when god calls them home they must go be in peace. I know she’s not suffering in pain and that brings me comfort. I hope to see her again on the other side. 

[Hudson]

 

My Mom was on Hospice for 3 months after she got home from the hospital.  We were completely devastated, but my Mom is a fighter.  She was taken off Hospice because she started getting better.  I even changed her from DNR to full code. I wanted to believe that meant she was gonna make it. I thought if I worked as hard as I could  it would make a difference.  I held her hand and  told her that I loved her  as she passed away.  I felt guilty then that I couldn't save her. All these thoughts were in my head.  Did I say the right thing? Did she know how much I loved her? I'm sorry. I totally got off topic. I was trying to reply to Kelsi32. I tell myself the same thing about not suffering and that we will see them again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Hudson]

Hi All, 

I'm having a hard time with something.. Making all these calls to remove my Mom's name from things.  I had to talk to four different people regarding her retirement. Every phone call I have to tell them that my Mom passed away. Filling out forms and sending people her death certificate. Every call I cry. Things are not getting easier. My heart hurts. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Trikwuchi]

6 hours ago, Hudson said:

Hi All, 

I'm having a hard time with something.. Making all these calls to remove my Mom's name from things.  I had to talk to four different people regarding her retirement. Every phone call I have to tell them that my Mom passed away. Filling out forms and sending people her death certificate. Every call I cry. Things are not getting easier. My heart hurts. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's so hard Hudson.  In the initial stages, these admin type things really take their toll. I had to register mum's death.  Talk to the medical examiner at the hospital to confirm the information on the death certificate. It's so very hard, but it's early days for us.

Expecting it to be otherwise is putting too much pressure on ourselves. 

[Kelsi32]

I can definitely relate to it being hard as an executor for your moms estate. The last 3 weeks have been daily phone calls, emails, appointments and funeral planning. It’s really stressful and I can’t imagine how much harder it would be for someone who didn’t have a Will or life insurance. Luckily my mom and I had 3 years from her original cancer diagnosis to plan legally and financially but I don’t think anything can mentally prepare you for the loss of a loving mom. I had to fly back home to Germany a week after my moms funeral so I’m also really struggling with jetlag and running on a few hours of sleep a night. I know some of it is due to stress. All this administrative work is almost a full time job sometimes. I still have to get my moms taxes done and send her death certificates:( I’m looking for a sign from her or something. I want to know she’s ok and not just gone forever. 

[Aisha]

Hi my name is Aisha

I am 34 and lost my mom on Christmas day she was my last parent so its only me and my little brother now. She had breast cancer which spread to the brain. I miss her everyday once I am not doing something or sleeping I miss her. And I am afraid that I may get sick because I cry so much and I can't leave my brother I am all he has. I am not working due to the fact that I was at home taking care of her and now that I am looking for one its very hard as lot of people are looking as well due to covid. But what I really want to know is how do I make it through this. I know everyone says its a day by day thing but its starting to get hard. I just need to know how to make it through this .

[Hudson]

Aisha,

I'm so sorry about your Mom.  I cry all the time too. I just don't know how I am gonna get through it. My little sister made me promise that I would not leave her alone. It's incredibly painful keeping that promise. I am alone most of the day and count the hours to bed, so I can forget. This really isn't helping you. I'm sorry.  I don't have the answers, but know you are not alone.

Take care,

Hudson

 

 

 

 

[Hudson]

Kelsi32,

My Mom didn't have a will or life insurance. She has a 401K, but the companies have changed over the years and her beneficiary information didn't go with the new company. Everything is a challenge. I'm glad I got extra death certificates because that's what everyone wants.  My Mom's was somewhat unexpected.  She was such a fighter and was getting better.  I never wanted to talk about what we would do if she passed away.  Luckily I knew some of her wishes regarding her DNR and cremation.  My sister and I are trying to refinance the house, so we can afford to live there.

You want the same thing I want.......to know that she's ok. I'm always hoping for a sign.  I think it would be less painful for us if we just knew.

Thank you for replying.  You need to take care of yourself. You don't want to get sick.

Hudson

[Aisha]

Hudson,

              Thank you for replying it kinda helps knowing I am not alone but I think only people who has been through this knows exactly what type of pain this is. The feeling of not seeing their smile or hearing their laugh knowing that even if no one in this world loves you they do and they had your back no matter what . I think I miss that the most knowing that the one person you could count on isn't there anymore that you are basically on your own and learning to cope and relearning everything they thought you on your own and hoping you are doing them proud.

[Trikwuchi]

I'm awake feeling such a sense of loss right now.  Knowing I'll never see my mum again is so very hard to bear.

Like you said...that unconditional love from mother is like no other. 

 

[Aisha]

Yup that love that can not be replaced is really hard just hard.

[Kelsi32]

I cried today talking to my significant other because I know nobody will ever love me more than my mom did not the way she did as only a mother can. She would have done literally anything for me. She taught me how to eat with a spoon, tie my shoes, cook, show kindness to people and so many things. I am physically surrounded by things she gave me during my life or things she left me after her death so they’re constant reminders of that love. I have been journaling, spending time with friends, watching light hearted shows to process and get my mind off being sad. Tomorrow I start grief counseling with a psychologist. We all need to figure out in our own way how to handle the pain of losing our mothers and still be able to function. I know my mom wouldn’t want me to be sad and always cried if I cried but losing her has been hard. I’m also glad she’s not in pain because I would rather me be suffering in emotional pain like this from losing her than her be in anymore physical pain. I would’ve done anything to take her pain away that last week at the hospital. As a Christian, I have faith I will see her again. I can’t wait for that day and know there will be happy tears but I’m not dying by my own doing. I’m still looking for a sign, my mom had a big personality so I hope it’s a profound one and I’ll probably cry when it happens, bittersweet tears. 

[Hudson]

Hi All,

I can't sleep. It hit me hard again today that I will never see my Mom again. I try my hardest to only cry when I'm alone because my sister makes me feel like it's wrong. Luckily I'm alone a lot. How do I live without her? It doesn't seem possible.

I've spent a lot of time on the phone and computer.  Trying to refinance my house to see if I can afford to stay in it.  Closing or changing names on different accounts and  writing letters and sending out death certificate's.  My sister and I are slowly cleaning out her room. That sucks. 

I run all the sayings in my head: She's out of pain, you will see her again, it takes time, you did everything you could etc....I just wish I could believe them. 

Hudson

[The Jen]

Hudson-

****!!!  How does this site work????

 

The Jen

[Simone]

Hi All

Let me start by saying I am so sorry for all your loss. I can totally relate to what you saying. One minute you fine and the next you a total mess. It hits me hardest in the evenings. All I want to do is pick up the phone and call but thats not possible. I am trying to focus on positive things to do like gymming and being around people who care for me, its just not the same. And on top of it all my fiance broke up with me. So not am I only grieving the loss of my dad but am dealing with a break up of a 7 year relationship. 

[Hudson]

Hi The Jen,

I'm here.

Kim

[Aisha]

Hi everyone

Had me a good cry last night missing my mom felt good helped me sleep to be honest. Find it hard to sleep these days not sure why and when I can't sleep she is all I think about. But I guess I trying day by day to figure out how to live without her some days I'm good others I'm not but it is a day by day process. Hudson I really think you should try talking to a grief counselor maybe that would help.  I am in a kind of same situation as I try also not to cry in front of my brother and I have to see about the transfer of everything and I am also alone most of the time but I really do think you should try talking to a counselor.

[CChicago]

Hudson, And all, 

I also lost my mom in December, to Covid. It came out of no where, she was only 64 and so cautious with Covid. We made so many sacrifices to protect ourselves, and her from this outcome, and we were hit by it anyway. It's been traumatic and devastating, like I fell into a trapdoor at the bottom of the deepest hole, that most people don't even know exists. 

Someone here said no one loves you like your mom - and I'm feeling that so much. My mom was my biggest champion, and no one will ever feel that type of deep love for me - it's lonely to think about that. I am also navigating my mom's estate without a will, and trying to manage her house, and it's a headache - on top of the suffocating heartbreak, the legal and logistical challenges are simply overwhelming. I have a 6 mo old and am most heartbroken at the lost of the time my mom and daughter will never have. 

In case useful to anyone, here are some things I have found helpful - though, nothing makes a huge dent, no can it be expected to given the massive massive loss:

- I light a candle every day for my mom next to her urn, so I can say good morning and good night to her

- I have photos all around me of her and her life 

- I am working with a therapist 

- I am slowly writing a letter to my mom, to discuss all of the guilt and regrets that I'm struggling with every day - It's my way of telling her I'm sorry (and maybe eventually forgiving myself)

- I take melatonin at night to help me sleep (though.. honestly I'm not sleeping much) and try to get some physical movement every day to lessen my panic attacks

- I'm reading two books that I recommend: Bearing the Unbearable and Its Ok that You're Not OK -- both are validating, comforting, and have some practical tips that help somewhat

[The Jen]

Seriously... How does this website work!!!!

HUDSON-I so want you to get my message-so we can connect again.

I believe the purest love I will ever feel is from The Mommy.   She gave me my first breath...I was there...holding her...for her last breath...

My Mom just wanted her Mom-even though she had passed away 35 years ago...I knew what she was saying...but not consciously...but also consciously.    I knew...

The Mommy-spread your beautiful wings.  You are an Angel-always have been-always will be-since the day you were born.

Thank You Mommy.

Love You More...The Most...

Sorry peeps...

 

[Kelsi32]

Nights are the hardest, I think it’s because I used to text/call her around this time every day. I moved to Germany a couple of years ago for work but talked to my mom every day. Knowing that I can’t talk to her and processing that she’s gone for good is the hardest part. 

[Hudson]

Hi The Jen,

I'm still here. I know how you feel about missing The Mommy.  It's not getting easier with time for me. Nights are getting worse. I wake up every two hours now.  I'm sorry you had so many problems with the website, but I'm here.

Hudson

[AnnieHB]

Hi The Jen and Hudson,

Oh man! I wake up all night too! It’s crazy. My mom’s been gone for 2 months now and it feels both like yesterday and forever ago. I think that recently I’ve stopped thinking about her too much so it won’t be painful. I can say though that my sister and I held her during her last breaths and it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t peaceful, it wasn’t pretty. It haunted me for awhile until she came to me in a dream. I asked her if she suffered and she said yes but that she’s ok now. I asked her if she was with Heavenly Father and she said yes but that he was always at the gates to Heaven welcoming in new arrivals. She also said that he was busy trying to stop evil in the world. She came to me again on a different night and asked me if my sister got her basket, which we still haven’t figured out. I’ve been journaling and I wrote about her last week. She came to me a couple of nights ago in my dream, sat down next to me and told me that she had read my entry about her and it was precious. I find these dreams comforting. After her passing we went to the funeral home and cleaned and dressed her and made her hair beautiful. It was very comforting. I was surprised at how peaceful and loving it was. I could feel her and the Holy Spirit with us in that room. I feel like the more we stay connected and close to our moms, the more comforted we are. I hope that we all will be able to hold them close on a higher level now. I will try to honor her until the day that I join her. Love to you all. 
AnnieHB

[Hudson]

Hi All,

I want to thank you for posting and replying.  You are all I really have right now.  I appreciate the suggestions CChicago. It really made me think. I am looking for a grief counselor. My insurance is giving me crap, so It's gonna take awhile. I did buy one of the books you suggested CChicago. It should be here soon. Thank you. 

Kelsi 32: I am having a lot of trouble at night too.  As you know my Mom was in the hospital too many times to count, but I was able to talk to her several times a day. I would make sure that I would always say goodnight.  By the end of the day it hits me again that she's not calling or coming home.  I know I will see her again when I pass, but that is  so far from now. 

AnnieHB: You are so lucky to see your Mom in your dreams. I am so jealous.  It has been 4 months and it feels like yesterday. It so hard  for me to feel comforted without my Mom . I want that hug.

I am the youngest of three girls and spent the most time with my Mom. I never really had a Dad, so she was both parents to us. She was everything to me. I miss her smile and how the way it made me feel better.  She was smiling at me, even at the end. I hope she's ok, happy and without pain.

Thank you all.

Hudson

[The Jen]

Friends-

Hudson***Kelsi32***AnnieHB***Simone...and everyone...

I truly hope this message is posting...I cannot express how much I feel and hurt for all of you.  I wish I could figure how to chat room.  All of us have so many similar feelings...but at the same time...individual specific feelings.

Aftermath...sucks-the logistics and details to deal with.

Our peeps-family, sisters, brothers and friends-love them.  Accept their love back...this is kinda hard for me-I don't want them to worry about me.

It is yesterday and forever at the same time.

Nights are totally worst.  Days are too. 

Forgetting for a second...gonna call her, gotta tell her something, expecting her to call you, saying hi or goodnight or I love you to her, her telling you she loves you...just knowing she is there.

Believing she is still with me...she exists.  I do.  The Mommy...Forever.

Much love-

The Jen

PS-Hudson (Kim) Thank You.

 

 

 

 

[Trikwuchi]

It's not easy guys. 5 weeks since I lost my mum to covid. 

The pain is heartbreaking. I hate the world and I can't see happiness going forward. I don't look forward to anything. 

I just feel like she's been taken when she had so much to live for. Taken before her time because of this evil virus and leaving so many families shattered in pieces. 

[The Jen]

Trikwuchi-

I got you...sucks in every way possible.  

The Jen

[Kelsi32]

All, I started seeing a psychologist for grief counseling, sat with a chaplain for 3 hours to talk the other day, started journaling and reading books on grief. I can honestly say it has helped me. I still miss my mom and cry every day but it’s gotten better. Being alone especially at night when I’m not distracted is the worst but as the psychologist told me, it’s better to sit in that grief and not distract sometimes because it will allow me to process everything. I have to try and have faith that I will see my mom again. God gave us free will, bad things happen that are not in our control but he hates seeing us in pain.  Today is Valentine’s Day and I would always send my mom flowers or an edible arrangement and either call her or FaceTime if I wasn’t back home but I can’t do that so I sent my grandma and best friend those things. I hope everyone can feel comfort in knowing that our moms will never be completely gone because we are one half of them. They touched so many peoples lives and made us, they are living through us. I also strangely felt a sense of comfort knowing that when I die I will see her again so I won’t be as scared when it’s my time. 

bible verses for faith in times of stress (7).pdf