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My cat is gone,I am devastated and I am blaming myself.


Anna J

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Hi everyone.Thank you to all of you for your stories, loads of advice and understanding of others' pain. I am writing my story here because my heart is so broken not only for my beloved Kotulanka but also for my partner. I am crying an ocean because I feel responsible for my little girl's death and suffering that I brought to my other half and myself.Our cat died in my arms at the vets,euthanised and hopefully without pain and suffering only two days ago.She had to be put down as I believe as a result of my actions.She always had this thing about strings and threads and I always managed to keep her away from swallowing one...always until just before Christmas.I decided to do some project that involved tearing up old sheets.I was sure I put everything away when I finished but I missed a long strip of cloth and she managed to take it to her hiding place.Over night she must have chewed and  swallowed a lot of strings from it.I and my partner worked Christmas and Boxing Day from 7 till 9(both work in healthcare) and we didn't see our girl much.On the 28th I noticed that our baby was lethargic,she was vomiting and not drinking nor eating.We took her to the vet where they removed heaps of string that got attached to the back of her tongue.The vet said he was not sure if any was in the intestine.X rays don't show strings in the intestine so the only way of checking is to cut the poor animal open.We knew straight away that we were not in a financial position to do this.We took her home hoping for the best.She was poorly for the next two days,hiding under the sofa and not really drinking or eating much.On December 31st she had some food and water.For the next two weeks she would eat and drink a little and poop a little too.Still lethargic and not her usual happy girl but it still gave us some optimism.However we were aware that something is still not right.This gone Tuesday I took her to the vet again.I think I should have done it earlier but...Anyway I was told that she was very poorly,losing weight and not a happy,lively girl anymore.The vet knew we could not afford the surgery and asked if we would like her to be put asleep.My partner was not with me but I knew ,as me, he wouldn't like her to go through pain and more suffering.I made this decision on behalf of the both of us and we took the girl on her last journey on Wednesday.Now it is only two days later and I am so driven by remorse.I am overthinking and I feel like I indirectly killed her.My partner is upset and crying,my cat is here no more and it is just because of some stupid hobby of MINE that involved using strips of cloth.She was only around 9 years old.We took her from a shelter and hoped to give a good and a long life.She was with us only for 4.5 years.In these 4.5 years a lot happened to us (mostly good things) and she witnessed all these joys with us.When not so pleasant things happed she was there too.We had this vision of her being here with us for more years.Sadly  this was not to be.She was so nice,lovely and patient with us,never damaged anything and never scratchedor bite.She was there waiting for us to come back from work and say hello and give us all her love.We have no children so she was our little girl.I am all over the place at the moment.I know it will pass and I and my partner will be happy again.I also know that there will be other cats adopted from a shelter( hopefully ,as we are in the late 40s ).She will never be forgotten either but this guilty feeling will be with me for a very long time if not forever.My partner says it is not my fault and so did the vet.You know,a sort of "where is a will there is a way".The vet was actually very nice  too and,I think,trying to make me feel better he said that he could feel a lump in her tummy and maybe it wasn't that string but something growing inside our girl.Well,the bottom line is she is gone much too early.Writing this down is a form of therapy for me.Sorry folks it is such a saga.PLEASE PLEASE if you know anybody that has a hobby that can harm their pet to ALWAYS triple check on everything.Do not take any chances PLEASE.Feel free to share what I have written down.Maybe my Kotulanka's tragic story will safe someone else's.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Your girl is very beautiful, and I am so sorry you and your partner are going through this and that she suffered at all.  You are not alone in experiencing an accident with your Kitty as they do sometimes happen, and as they have told you, this is not your fault.  Plain and simple, we are human and do not always foresee the possibilities that can happen.

See here: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/pet-loss-curious-cats-still-getting.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort:

 

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Thank you so much for your kind words.The video is really beautiful.I do know she has forgiven me and yes,you are right,we cannot foresee everything.I am at home now,after work,on my own and a sort of talking to her.I am finding it very comforting.She is buried in the front garden where I can talk to her too.I and my man will overcome the grief.She is now gone to another plain and one day we will join her.Thank you once again.

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On 1/22/2021 at 11:47 AM, Anna J said:

sort of talking to her.I am finding it very comforting.She is buried in the front garden where I can talk to her too

That sounds beautiful.  Yes, we will be with them again. :wub:

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Anna I am so so sorry for your loss. 

I understand how you feel. We lost our cat a couple years ago to a horrible violent illness which struck him out of the blue. Within a couple hours, on our vacation, we were putting him out of his misery at the emergency vet. I have a lot of guilt as we had gone to a vacation home in the mountains - the vet claimed he ingested a poison of some kind. I never found anything specific after looking everywhere but I was overcome with guilt that we'd brought him there and (he was even only indoors) allowed him to somehow find something bad. I will never know. He loved licking things though and so... who knows. 

I promise that the pain you are in will not last. You will find a peace. Cats, sadly, are curious creatures and as much as we try to pay attention and police them, they find ways to get into things. Mistakes, the tiniest oversights, happen because we're human and we do our best. I could tell you of all the stories I read here of the "one time" someone leaves a door open or doesn't notice some small thing and that's when something happens. I tell you that so you know, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you. You're a loving owner so please don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to grieve your loss because you deserve to. 

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Hi.Thank you so much for all your kind words.I have forgiven myself and hopefully learned from my mistake.I and my partner are still very sad but it is only a week since she is gone.I believe she is in a happy place.She always wanted to be an outdoor cat.The day before I dreamt about her -she played in a field ,running in grass.Yesterday I had another dream.This time she was playing with water in a puddle.She looked so happy. These were very short dreams and I woke from each of them feeling almost happy. Maybe she,in those dreams,  is letting us know that there is live after death for animals too and she is where she always wanted to be.I find this idea very consoling.I never had any other dreams about her before.The time will come I meet her again.There will also be other cats once the wound has healed, there is plenty of space in our hearts...In the meantime we just have to be strong and go through this grief.Once again thank you for your support.

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3 hours ago, Anna J said:

Maybe she,in those dreams,  is letting us know that there is live after death for animals too and she is where she always wanted to be.I find this idea very consoling

I am glad you "heard from her" in your dreams, I believe they do try to let us know they are okay in some way or another.  That brought me a smile.  :)

 

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@Anna Jthat's great about the dreams. From what I've read, these are visitation dreams, as opposed to ordinary dreams. Visitation dreams are happy, the pet is happy and healthy, it's clear and vivid and and colourful. I've had a couple from Goldie like that. You wake happy that it's happened. Sounds like you had this, that's so nice. 

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my cat the same way and couldn’t afford the surgery , it was just too expensive. I’m struggling and I understand your pain. Hang in there. 

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On 1/28/2021 at 4:47 PM, Gary55 said:

@Anna Jthat's great about the dreams. From what I've read, these are visitation dreams, as opposed to ordinary dreams. Visitation dreams are happy, the pet is happy and healthy, it's clear and vivid and and colourful. I've had a couple from Goldie like that. You wake happy that it's happened. Sounds like you had this, that's so nice. 

Hi Gary.I think it was her last goodbye.I have not had any dreams about her since.Maybe it is better this way. I am still raw from all the pain and I feel sad quite a lot.It feels like the initial shock of losing her is wearing off and I can fully feel the emptiness,in both physical and psychological sense.I know my man misses her too.We don't really talk about her much  because each time we try we cry.It is not uncontrollable as it was before but still we have tears in our eyes.Also moments come when I look at something and remember something she did and cry again.I am getting better though...I wish you the same from the bottom of my heart.

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On 2/1/2021 at 2:59 PM, Jb39 said:

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my cat the same way and couldn’t afford the surgery , it was just too expensive. I’m struggling and I understand your pain. Hang in there. 

On 1/28/2021 at 4:47 PM, Gary55 said:

@Anna Jthat's great about the dreams. From what I've read, these are visitation dreams, as opposed to ordinary dreams. Visitation dreams are happy, the pet is happy and healthy, it's clear and vivid and and colourful. I've had a couple from Goldie like that. You wake happy that it's happened. Sounds like you had this, that's so nice. 

 

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Dear JB39 I am so sorry you and your cat had to go through this too.If only time could be turned back.I wish you all the best and hope that our pain will ease too as time passes by.Love und understanding.x

 

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