Wife Passed away suddenly

[Devastated Husband]

Hi, I thought i'd try putting down some of what's in my mind on paper so to speak.

I had been with my wife almost 20 years and we got together very young, everything was fine until 2 years ago she was rushed in to hospital with "Low Copper and B12". She went in to ICU then specialists hospitals followed by Motorbility Rehab as her body stopped working totally. After just over 6 months she was released back home but her mobility was limited (had to use a wheelchair). She was on numerous drugs etc from the Doctors all the way through. This December 2020 she heartbreakingly passed away in her sleep at 36 years old. Apart from the total stricken grief I feel I can't understand this at all. She was improving all the time and was due to start using crutches inside the house from January. The Friday night she was fine, we had a few drinks, laughs and watched our first Christmas film. She never mentioned that she felt anything different before we went to sleep. I woke to let the dog out and make a brew and i'm sure I heard her snoring, I went back in half an hour later to wake her as we had an appointment booked and there was no response. At first I thought she was joking and she'd done this numerous times and went BOO! to scare me. I had to start CPR and called the ambulance whilst doing this. Our son is 18 and he didn't come in but went outside to chase the ambulance. She was still warm and there were no signs she had passed away (blue lips etc). When the ambulance arrived he hooked up a machine and just said sorry she has passed away. That felt like my life had ended too, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. The guilt of not waking her earlier, had she taken her medications properly, to many, to few. It's driving me insane. As predicated her death has not been explained and we have to wait months before we find anything out but i'm not hopeful they can (It took them 9 week to diagnose her condition when she was here). 

The first couple of days after her passing was very dark for me, I had worked out how and where I was going to take my life and wrote letters for everyone apart from my Son, it was only as I wrote the first word on my sons note that I hit a realization of how can I do this to him after his mother has just passed away. I called Samaritans and after speaking to them I called my brother and explained everything, my brother and I lost our eldest brother 2 years ago and he kept saying talk....talk....talk.) Although I don't want to be on this earth anymore I won't be taking my own life, i'm not a great believer in the afterlife but if there is one I thought in my head she wouldn't forgive me for leaving our son so I'd have taken my life and still couldn't be with her, this helped me stop any thoughts of this.

I am just trying to take it an hour at a time at the moment and it's only been 7 weeks or so since this happened. I have read different stories on these forums regarding losing a Wife/Partner etc and it made me realize most of what i'm feeling is normal. I have joined a place called andysmensclub which I visit once a week. Although no one there has been through anything like this it gives me a reason to get out of the house for a couple of hours. My wife and I spent all our free time together, we'd call at least 5 times a day whilst I was in work, we were a great couple and always had a great time when going out / staying in. It's hard enough to lose your wife but to lose your best friend at the same time is unfathomable. 

If anyone else is going through something like this and is at the early stage please talk talk talk, I'm not saying it gets easier or that the stabbing pain in the pit of your stomach will go away but now and again you get snippets of advice that helps you through the next hour / day. I also keep trying to think if it was me who had passed away and she was here what would I want her to do and breaking down every few minutes or locking yourself away is something I definitely wouldn't want her to do. Other advice I have been given is set yourself a time each day to grieve (i.e. 7-8pm go through photos / videos of your loved one and break down all you like). It's mentally and physically draining to grieve all day every day and i'm, struggling with this part myself but I am trying.

Any advice from people who are going through the same thing but are further down the line would be great, thanks for listening.

 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Devastated,

I am deeply sorry for your loss.

I was so relived to read that you have decided not to harm yourself.

You asked for someone at the early stage of grief.  I am at 9 month, I have survived many many waves of 'fall apart and weep episodes.  I still have those but they are fewer.

I imagine that you might be experiencing wave after wave of grief.  Such as, you are walking through a grocery store and suddenly the sight of the soup she like brings tears to your eyes and you have to get out of the store.  Or you glance to the place she usually sat thinking to tell her something and BHAM, you heart jumps up into you throat and you stomach lurches as you realize you aren't going to see her there again.

I do not have any sure fire ways to cope with grief.  Each of us travels this path in our own way.  Please give yourself the time you need to come to terms with this loss. 

It is so important to take care of your health right now.  The loss of your beloved is such an emotional blow, it will fog your brain and zap your energy.  Treat yourself kindly and cut yourself slack.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, your wife is the same age as my son, two years younger than my daughter, it's hard to conceive someone dying of natural causes so young.  When I went through this 15+ years ago, I was in shock, it was sudden and unexpected.  I am glad you will not take your life, I think that thought has occurred to most of us in early grief, but it's so important to give ourselves the chance to come through this...I won't kid you, it's a hard journey and a lengthy one, but we can learn to be on our own, my husband and I were soul mates and best friends, he was everything to me!  But I too could not do that to my kids and sisters.  Beyond that I know everyone else would go on.  

It's good that you get out now and then.  What does your group do?

The best advice I got was to take one day at a time, anything beyond that is too much, sometimes have to break it down to an hour or one minute.  The other one that was a real help to me was looking for good in each day.  My "big joy," George, was gone, but I look for what I call "little joys" now and it's helped my attitude/focus so much as I embrace whatever little bit of good I can find and it helps me live in the present moment.

I see you got a response while I am typing this, others will be on shortly too!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Maria_PI]

@Devastated Husband I am so sorry you are going through this! And it's so fresh and raw, you are still in shock and I can understand the urge to put an end to it. But that doesn't resolve anything. Come back here and vent, talk talk talk as you say, whatever helps get you through each hour of gut-wrenching pain. But know that it is not your fault, none of this. I have been through this "could've should've" done this or that and why why why... as a caregiver to my love. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control, and we will never know. It is devastating and very hard to process but you must keep going. I don't know about setting time each day to go through memories and grieve, but I know that when that wave comes it's best to ride it and not try to set it aside or fight it. It does get easier with time, just keep breathing and let people around you help. Sending you warmest hugs!

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

I don't know about setting time each day to go through memories and grieve

Yeah, it's a "thing," https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html I never had to try to cry, it was automatic!  Getting it to turn off was another matter!

[Devastated Husband]

Thank you for the advice / support. This weekend has been really difficult, i'm trying to let people help me but I don't want to keep bringing them down with me, I feel so low and lost and i'm crying more now then I was in the first few weeks. I know I have to keep going for my son and our Dog but ffs it just hurts so much.

[steveb]

My deepest sympathy sir.   Let others help you now, you need to grieve. We can all empathize with your pain. Your son and dog absolutely need you.  Focusing on my daughter’s needs helped me deal with the excruciating pain of losing my wife.  I realized that I couldn’t help her unless I stayed healthy. So please eat and rest whenever you need to. God bless ... Steve 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Devastated Husband said:

I don't want to keep bringing them down with me

Don't worry about everyone else, your main focus has to be YOU right now!  I'm glad you have your son and dog to live for.  My (grown kids) and animals and sisters were incentive to try and get through this but there's times...somehow we get through this, one day (or minute) at a time.

 

[Devastated Husband]

It has been almost 16 months since I lost my wife, it has all been just a constant blur and i've no idea how I made it this far.

Last year i turned to drink, drugs and gambling just to numb the feelings and loss and blew around £40k. In January this year I thought I was having a heart attack but it was a panic attack and this helped me look at myself a lot closer and I've now calmed down and had to realize that this is real life and no amount of self harm is going to help me.

This year I arranged to speak to Healthy Minds and i'm 7 sessions in, although I'm not sure if it helps or not I have tried to work on myself as they have advised and would advise anyone to give it a try, you've nothing to lose!

I've still no idea what i'm doing with my life, I have managed to make sure our son is financially set but the emotional toll this has taken on us both is nigh on impossible to repair, I talk to him all the time and I think/hope he is improving, we went to New York over Christmas as it was his dream destination and he had a good time, which i'm grateful for, I just need to try and help myself a little more and stop being so selfish. I have only one fear and that is our son finding me passed away in my bed, which is what set the panic attack off, well that and a 3 day bender with no food didn't help. I don't have any other fears, which in itself is not right, I don't get nervous, anxious, worried and feel like as a person i've totally changed from the man I was. I know this is understandable considering what I've seen and had to deal with but i'm just conflicted constantly in my mind. I never used to have these mind battles but I find myself doing this on a regular basis now just to keep myself on track.

The inquest in to her death showed she had a pulmonary embolism caused by DVT and she would not have known anything about it so that was the only saving grace to come out of it, she wouldn't have known about the DVT due to her condition. It didn't make me feel any better or worse, I still feel the guilt of not waking her up earlier but I know I can't change this and have to learn to live with that.

I still don't want to be on this earth without her and I don't think that will ever change but I know I have to try for our sons sake. I try and keep busy most days, i've taken up lots of new hobbies, which definitely helps me get through the days although I still haven't managed to clear her things from the bedroom. I keep telling myself it needs to be done but I find excuse after excuse so as not to do this. I don't think there will ever be a point when I am okay with any of this and I feel like i'm just waiting until it's my time to go, which I am okay with. 

People say time is a healer but i'ts not it's more of a realization that I am no longer dreaming and this is my life going forward. 

I hide my true feelings now from my family and my friends. I know this isn't good but I can't go back to anything I did last year as I know I won't make it if I do that again. People try and help but at the end of the day i'm on my own and I have to deal with this as best I can and I've talked until i'm blue in the face but it really doesn't help.

I'm sorry that we have to go through this journey and hopefully further down the line things will start to come together more, take care of yourselves xx

 

 

 

[KayC]

The grief counselor on my other site says time alone does nothing, it's what we do with it, after 17 years being on grief forums and seeing all of the different grievers responses, I have to agree.

You've learned some things about yourself and are more aware now so that's a step in the right direction, even if missteps led you there!  Alcohol may numb but it's also a depressant, not something we need, but now can be the start of some positive changes for yourself...if you need to get into gamblers anonymous or AA, give it a try.  A grieff support group and grief counselor would be a positive step too.  Yes, people try to help but it's what WE do that counts, they can't do it for us.  

I had taken good care of myself physically when George and I were together but when he died, I didn't care, ate whatever, gained weight in the process.  New Years Day 2020 I started my journey to health, lost 75 lbs and kept it off, reversing my Diabetes, Fuch's Dystrophy of the corneas, brought my triglycerides to normal (was 276 before), and so much more!  Now I help lead a Diabetic group, thousands of members from all over the world, and I love it!  Dr Phil says to use what we go through to help others, that's what I try to do, here and in my diabetic group, gives me a purpose and I have the passion for it.  I've lived it.  

With Diabetes I'm best off w/o smoothies, eating whole foods I cook but when a person is a new griever and not feeling like eating (been there!) they can make healthy smoothies and get them down easier than food sometimes, and for the short term, it's sure better than nothing!  I used to make one with yogurt, granola, spinach, strawberries and bananas, protein powder, so all food groups...now I can't eat the fruit or granola but not everyone is diabetic and can.  My sister lost her husband of 50 years 9/23/20 and isn't up to cooking, she's disabled and has dementia, so I take her food or she cooks eggs, sometimes a tv dinner but she doesn't like them.  

Anything we can find passion about, hobby, group, anything, it helps!

I'm glad you found your way back here...

And as for your wife's things, they can continue to sit there unless/until you're ready...there is no timeline for it.

[Canadagirl81]

@Devastated Husband I just wanted to offer my sincere condolences to you. I’m glad you’ve returned here and I’m sorry to read of the difficulties you’ve faced since the awful loss of your beloved. Just as Kay said, there is no rush in removing her things, let them sit. 
Time heals nothing…. We just make a little bit more room in ourselves for the pain. I had a thought this morning that I want the rest of my life to just hurry up and pass so I can be with Glenn again. He is my love and my best friend as well so Im right where you are. 
Then the logical part of my brain kicks in and I know Glenn would want me to truly live… but I have no idea what that will look like as time goes on. One moment at a time is all I can manage now. 
I hope you aren’t being too hard on yourself for the choices you’ve made and I’m so glad you are seeking help. I hope it continues to aid you in this terrible reality that we are all facing. You aren’t alone in it. 
 

Sending you big hugs and strength. 

[unmukt]

I shall pray for you and i am here to lend you an ear whenever you feel so broken down. I am not much older in age but i can understand this severe trauma of losing the most important and most beautiful person from life. It just feels so unfair , severe injustice and unbearable pain to lose the other half of your soul. I hope we can help each other heal in little ways . I am here for you.