Members jmmosley53 Posted January 15, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 I have noticed that when I think about my husband some times I have erased any wart or flaw he may have had. In my memory he is perfect. In my memory he never had a cross word, he always saved the day for me. My beloved was a good man, our marriage was a happy one. But the real truth was there were times we disagreed. There were times I was not pleased with him. I want to remember the real man I married, warts and all. I don't want to create a angelic type person. I am loath to even say to myself, there were days he was a stinker and didn't do want I wanted. I need him off the pedestal. I want my Rick, not some false version. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 15, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 Jmmo i think it's normal...i'm also remembering him at his best! But now sometimes intentionally i'm remembering his downs...'cos as you i want remember the whole person with his up and down And we know that it's impossible to take only the best or more you don't deserve the best of a person if you are unable to take the worst.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 15, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 No, I can honestly say I've tried to incorporate ALL of him and accept him in his entirety! While he was not perfect and I am not perfect, our union and relationship was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 15, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 It is understandable that we remember and long for our beloved with rose colored glasses most of the time. But I certainly do remember my sweetie could be very stubborn - even when I pointed out to him how wrong he was. I have been trying to specifically mention to my boys that there were times their dad (and I) made bad decisions. We made some bad financial decisions, we reacted badly in a work situation more than once, we had fights over some little things and some big things, etc. Because as children, they weren't exposed to or aware of these events and now people don't generally ever say anything bad about their dad because - who would want to do that. I am not trying to diminish my sweetie in their eyes, I just want them to know he was human, with flaws, like us all. I want them to know our marriage wasn't rosy every minute, as that is such an unrealistic expectation for their own relationships. They know we had a happy marriage and that we loved each other. But I do think it is important to remember the whole person. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted January 15, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 Yes, I have done that too. It's especially true when I'm talking to others about him. I have had a tendency to practically turn him into some flawless mythic hero. I think part of it when I'm around other people is realizing that he's not here now to "defend" himself. If I tell about some quirk of his or ways he was imperfect, he can't look at me, snicker, and relate the parts of me that are so very far from perfect. Another part of that, I think, is that I am the one who is still here. I see my own flaws and failings, while wanting to remember only the good and honestly great in him, especially as I continue to work through my guilt over him dying. But that is slowly shifting to me being able to bring all of him, the good, the not so good, and the little things that sometimes bugged the crap out of me, into focus again. I tell myself that I even miss those little annoyances, which is true, but I've been reminding myself that if he was here with me (and especially these past many months), I'd still be annoyed from time to time and he'd be irked with me sometimes. We'd have great, good, mundane, and not so good days because that's what a marriage or any close relationship is. I love and miss him every minute. I loved him every minute we were married. That thread will never break, but at difficult times it was just a little frayed and we had to mend it. Over the past year or so, I've been able to take him down off that pedestal and bring back all of the wonderful, imperfect man I married and will love until the day I die. More than once when I've been berating myself for my own flaws, I've had to force my mind and heart to say, "Hey, yeah, you did this kind of stupid thing and were unkind that day. but remember that John said/did whatever-it-was too." It seems only natural to only want to remember the "perfect" parts. When you feel that way, maybe you can make yourself remember some little thing that was not so perfect. Over time, it will probably become easier to keep all of him, the complete man, in your heart and mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 I think we all in our relationships have ups and downs. There rarely is a perfect union between a couple. But in my mind true love overcomes the little bumps, the ups and downs. I know that deep down my wife loved me very much and I loved her very much. Sometimes when we had a down moment that love wasn't out in the open but we didn't want to show it right then. The momentary anger was hiding that true love. After things cooled off, that love was still there and it took me a while to understand it. I guess we miss our loved one and only think good things about him/ her, but in my mind, I think we realize that the down times are not as important as the up times. I still love my wife and always will forever, the good times we had are more important to me than the bad times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 16, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 Felt similar and similar discussion with my .02 FWIW: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 16, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: I do think it is important to remember the whole person. Agreed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 13 hours ago, widower2 said: Felt similar and similar discussion with my .02 FWIW: Thank you for letting me know!..i agree with what gail said at the time: we are imperfect but we loved each other, we trusted each other....and my loved one is the only person in whom i trusted immediately...and i am a person very cautious in trusting! But with him i felt safe and free to be myself....and it's why i'm missing him so much! If i could i would take him back with all his flaws.. now i am lost in a world where the only proximity of another Human being is dangerous... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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