A “life” thing happened today and I realized there’s no way I can do this alone

[Rashell]

I used to live with two of my best friends from elementary school before I got together with my boyfriend. One of my old roommates does questionable things, she always has, she’s sneaky and she will turn her location off and go days without responding to people and ignore us even when we are worried sick. Since I moved out of that house and got a place with my boyfriend I didn’t talk to either of them too much, we stayed in touch but weren’t as close as when we lived together. When me and him first started dating and I still lived with them, anytime she would go missing he would help me look for her and be the rational one to tell me what to do and calm me down when I would freak out thinking something happened to her. The one time something did actually happen and she was stuck in a ditch up in the mountains, he was the one that helped me find her and make sure she got home safe, if it wasn’t for him she may not have made it home. Since he passed, my old roommates have been coming over and helping me and I’ve been relying on them a lot for support. Well, she did her thing again and when I hadn’t heard from her in 2 days, and neither had my other friend, I got really worried. I had no idea what to do. I felt so helpless, all I wanted was to call him and tell him that she’s missing again and have him tell me what I needed to do. I have literally been stuck here in shock thinking something happened to her and having no idea where to even start looking. She ended up texting me a few hours later after my other friend threatened to call the cops for a welfare check (this normally gets her to respond even though we never call) and she’s fine, just doing her bull and freaking us out. I am so mad at her for doing this to me just one week after everything I’ve been through, but more than anything I’m so mad I don’t have my person. This is the first time life has moved since he’s been gone and I realize I don’t know how to be a person by myself anymore. I can’t even take care of myself let alone the other people in my life that need extra care. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be myself again and do the things I used to do and take care of other people. I realized I have no one to call now when other things in my life go wrong. How do we deal with this? How can I still be even a fraction of the same person when the person that made me who I am is no longer here, helping me be me. 

[Dawn Wms]

I just don't know.  I lived alone for 13 years before I married my husband and thought of myself as completely independent and able to take care of myself.  You might think that would have made it easier for me when I lost him, but it did not.  I realized I needed him in a way I never thought.  I need him emotionally.  I feel every day that I need him, even though I can pay my own bills and run the house on my own.  I still need him because, as you say, I also feel that he helped to make me the person I was.  And I too have lost much of myself.  But you are so very young, and I would encourage you to try to live on your own for a while just to become confident that you can.  As for your flaky friend, I would ask her to think of the trauma you have been through and to understand that more trauma is not what you need.  I often say that I am very selfish right now.  But I have to be.  What I have to deal with takes up more energy than I have.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Rashell,

I think grief is fogging your thinking right now.

In your core and heart of hearts you know that you are stronger than you feel right now.  Slowly take baby steps to rebuild your confidence in Yourself.

Do the easy things first.  Have accomplishment you can be proud of and that you know, would make your beloved proud of you.  Eventually, I hope, your self confidents returns to you.  Practice confidence.

I know you care deeply for your friends but this is the time to focus on yourself.  They are adults, they'll have to figure out their lives by themselves for a while .

You have enough stress and worry taking care of yourself.  I don't think this is being mean to your friends - as you stated you don't have the energy right now to deal with their life drama.

Most important is to take care of yourself.  You have been dealt the biggest blow a person can be hit with. Treat your grief like a broken bone.  It has to heal and it takes as long as it takes.

[BBB]

7 hours ago, Rashell said:

How can I still be even a fraction of the same person when the person that made me who I am is no longer here, helping me be me. 

Great point. I feel like this all the time. There is a movie quote from the 1997 move As good as it gets, Jack Nicholson says "You make me want to be a better man". That's how I felt with my wife. She made me a better person and I am who I am because of her. How do I go on without her?

 

[KayC]

Each and every one of our friends disappeared when George died, it was horrible, I was alone and so desperately needed someone to talk to.  Normally I tell people to try to get out there and make new friends, I got a best friend AFTER he died, and a few years later I was able to be there when HER husband died.  We were besties for ten years after my husband died but then she moved to TX about five years ago and remarried.  I haven't found someone quite like her since.  But I joined some small groups and that helped...until Covid.  This is the hardest time ever to go through this but it will not be forever, keep that in mind.  I know it's hard to hang in there meanwhile, I have found the internet to be a lifesaver, all these people here and with my other grief group, plus my diabetic group, and I talk on the phone to my sister every day, now HER husband of 50 years has passed too.  This is a hard journey but you are not alone, we are here for you, limited as it is.  

I love all of your responses!