Trying to join a support group and was asked to “prove” my connection to my partner...

[Rashell]

Maybe I am sensitive but I feel really shitty that I was just asked to “prove my connection” to my partner because I was not listed as one of his survivors. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to a place made to be a support group for people who have lost their partner. I was told I needed to show some kind of public proof that I knew him and had a connection to him, with a link to social media etc. We are both very private people and I don’t have “public proof” that we were together. This really just made me feel so awful and like the last years of my life mean nothing since every single person didn’t know about it. I already felt this way in regards to the way his family has treated me, and now an online community?! Because I am not listed as a survivor and he didn’t post pictures on social media, that means he wasn’t my partner? I’m just ranting because this made me so angry, I was so excited to find a community that hosted zoom sessions and specified that you didn’t have to be married to join, and then they do this. I don’t understand why this would be part of the verification process, and I feel like people think my relationship meant nothing just because there wasn’t a piece of paper involved or because it wasn’t broadcasted to the whole world. I’m sorry if this comes off as harsh, I hate this.

[Dawn Wms]

Wow!  I've never heard of such a thing.  The one I joined asked no such thing.  Can you look for another one?  Was this a hospital or church offered group?  Why were they even looking at a paper that had survivors listed?

[LoveNeverDies]

You shouldn’t have to prove your relationship , that’s ridiculous! Who runs this so called support group? Are you in the United States?

[Rashell]

12 minutes ago, Dawn Wms said:

Why were they even looking at a paper that had survivors listed?

I didn’t know they would, they asked for my partners full name when I signed up and I thought that was weird but also haven't really been thinking, and apparently they googled his name to see if I was listed as a survivor on his obituary (which from what I know isn’t even public information since it’s an ongoing investigation.)

9 minutes ago, LoveNeverDies said:

 Are you in the United States?

Yes, it’s called Widow Community or something along those lines, I explained the situation and they approved me but now I don’t know if I want to join anymore, the whole thing felt very violating, I didn’t even know they would be looking things up. 

And I did check before signing up to be sure marriage wasn’t a requirement, since “widow” is for married couples, and their website said you don’t have to be married and they are accepting of any partnership.

[Dawn Wms]

Seems so weird (and unwelcoming) to me.  But to give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they are just screening for creepy "Zoom bombers"  or voyeurs.  

[Gail 8588]

I am so sorry you had this experience. 

If you decide to give the group a try, I doubt that any of the group participants will be aware of the administrator's actions.  If you chose to share the experience and how it made you feel, I would hope you would receive only support from the other grievers. 

If you decide not to go to this group, I hope you look for another group for support.

We will always be here for you. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[Michelene]

At first I thought you were talking about a face to face group--I guess my mind blanked on what is going on with covid!   When I was desperately looking for support some groups would advertise as 'widow group" or something like that but in the forums all the posters just bled into each other--I had just lost my spouse, I didn't want people that had lost a child telling me that their loss was worse...or a sibling...maybe that is selfish of me but I didn't want to hear that. It didn't help. Maybe that was why?

Maybe grief is grief but the way the loss impacts you is different. I wanted and needed to be with people that had lost their PARTNERS, not a sibling or a child. 

Also as mentioned, creepy trollers or people with a different agenda. 

[KayC]

I am shocked, I've never heard of such a thing and would never require "proof" in my grief group!  How is someone supposed to "prove" they were in a relationship!  A lot of people lose someone that hasn't gotten around to making out a will, etc or gotten married yet, that in no way lessens the grief felt when they die!
https://www.socialworker.com/feature-articles/practice/disenfranchised-grief-when-grief-and-grievers-are-unrecogniz/

[jmmosley53]

I would be very cautious of any online anything that need me to send personal documents.  I'm not saying this is some scam, but it doesn't sound right.  I'd be very sure who they were before I sent them anything.

[Diane R. E.]

Rashell; I too, am so saddened that you had to experience that - IMO you had good reason to be angry. I went to the first meeting of an in-person grief support group and knew immediately that it was not the right group for me. Later, I realized that even the name of the group should have been a red flag - it is called "Loss of a Spouse". I was (am) married to my husband, but I think the name is insensitive. You don't need a piece of paper to be in a loving, caring relationship. I thank everyone on this forum, you are so inclusive and supportive!

[foreverhis]

Oh FFS.  Yeah, I know that's just a shortened version of something I never say in public, but darn it this is ridiculous and hurtful.

If it were me, I'd be inclined to keep looking because I'd fear the reaction of some members there might be, "Oh, you weren't even married?  That's really not the same."  The truth is that legal documents, while wonderful to have, are not what make a partnership of soulmates.  The relationship is what matters, not what title we put on it.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

If it were me, I'd be inclined to keep looking

Me too.  That is invalidating.  The last thing you need is to deal with disenfranchised grief, as if you aren't going through enough.  And you can tell them we all said so!