Am I losing my sanity?

[Rashell]

I feel like my subconscious brain doesn’t realize he is gone. It’s been a week now and the first few days I was having nightmares about his death and not being able to find him, then for a couple days I was having good dreams about being with him and seeing him, but the last 2 nights I’ve started dreaming the same dreams I used to have when he was still here. I used to have nightmares of us getting into fights or him telling me he needed some space (trauma from past relationships mixed with fear of abandonment, so fun) and I would always wake up thinking he was mad at me and he’d have to remind me that it’s just a dream and we don’t even argue so why would we be in a fight. We had the best communication and would talk everything through, worked through our baggage from old relationships, got to the root of any issues or anxieties we had. But I would still have these dreams and they would turn into us talking them through and why I felt like he would ever leave me. Now these dreams are coming back and I wake up thinking he wants to leave me before I realize that he is actually gone. I feel like my brain is pushing away his death and sometimes I think that he just hasn’t texted me and wonder if everything is okay before I remember what happened and that it isn’t okay. Is this normal? I feel like the first couple days my brain understood what happened and even though I kept thinking he was texting me and calling me when my phone would go off because that was my normal if I wasn’t with him, I felt like my subconscious still knew the reality. Now I’m feeling like I’m not fully understanding anymore, and being back at our house hanging out with his roommate yesterday really made it feel like he is just out of town. That’s how all of this feels, like he’s just out of town for work and I haven’t talked to him “today” because he’s really busy but he’ll call soon. My phone went off yesterday and I literally lit up because I really thought it was him. Part of me feels like I’m losing my mind but the other part of me says that if I was actually losing my mind I wouldn’t realize it. 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Rashell

I am sorry you are having dreams that disturb you so much.  

I think it is pretty normal for a grieving person to have a great deal of confusion, foggy thinking, trouble determining the truth about our loved ones death at 1 week along the Grief Path. 

At 9 months along the path I have moments where the truth about my husband death slips my mind and I find myself thinking "oh I need to tell Rick this"  or I glance at his place on the sofa fully expecting to see him.  Then the sad truth hits me I I become saddened and start to cry. 

AT 1 week along the path I was thinking that this was all some big mistake or bad dream and I'd wake up.  Unfortunately the truth is the truth and as painful at it is to acknowledge, that truth there is no escaping it.

Give yourself time.  Expect to be crazy sad, expect to cry, try not to be so overwhelmed that you forget to eat, sleep and care for yourself in general

[KayC]

You are very early in your grief and going through SO MUCH!  I don't know if you can even retain what you read right now but I'm glad you're able to give voice to your feelings.  At one week I was still very much in shock.  I thank God my daughter and sister were here for me.  My daughter kept following me around with food & water and her and my sister handled the phone and notified people.  It was nuts for a long while.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Missy1]

I am sorry you feel this way, I definitely feel like I am mentally in distress. I think it’s the state of our minds grappling to make sense of something that cannot easily be dealt with is impossible. 
I don’t have answers, I feel hopeless and crazy. I don’t know what is real sometimes. This is my one year mark and I still feel broken beyond repair.
It’s exhausting participating in work, holding conversations with family etc . At the end of the day I am numb and just want to die. Sorry so dark, I am being honest about my feelings. Many others seem to be doing better. My husband saved me, I was a wreck 30 years ago, he was my angel, then he left. I don’t have anything to hold on to, he was my lifeline. 

[Gail 8588]

12 hours ago, Missy1 said:

 . . . I feel hopeless and crazy. I don’t know what is real sometimes. This is my one year mark and I still feel broken beyond repair.
It’s exhausting participating in work, holding conversations with family etc . At the end of the day I am numb and just want to die.  . . .

Missy,

Your description is right on point for how I felt. 

I often said to myself - "I am losing my mind."  I had very physical symptoms, massive chest pain, excruciating headaches, vision problems, difficulty breathing, couldn't sleep, often sobbing. (Not all of these all the time, but in waves of extreme dispair.) I often thought 'a body cannot continue to function in this state. Surely I am about to die.'  But I never died. 

When I was not in the grips of one of these episodes, I was numb, a zombie.  Going through the motions of what living people do, but not actually being a living person.

I knew I was stuck in my grief, but I didn't know how to get unstuck.  I knew there was no way that all the people who lost their true love could be feeling like this years and decades after their loss.  They must have gotten better. I will get better too.

But for me, years passed and I was still in an intolerable state. 

At the beginning of my 4th year, I was determined to find a way out of this existence.  Honestly, I don't know how this was any different than the numerous times before that I had raged at myself to either die or get better.  But for whatever reason, in my 4th year I did get better.  Not overnight, just gradually, but clearly I came out of my zombie fog and became human again. As a human, I still get sad at times, I still wish I had my life with John. But I am no longer experiencing the panic attacks, confusion, pain and utter dispair of my first 3 years. 

I suspect that my being stuck in that terrible state for so long has something to do with how my brain works, my dependence on my husband and other factors.  You are not likely to be stuck as long as I was.

I just want to give you hope that you will, eventually, emerge from this horrible phase into a state that is significantly more manageable. 

Here's hoping 2021 will be your year of transition. 

Gail

 

[steveb]

On 1/14/2021 at 12:02 PM, jmmosley53 said:

Give yourself time.  Expect to be crazy sad, expect to cry, try not to be so overwhelmed that you forget to eat, sleep and care for yourself in general

This is the exact same advice my mom gave me.  Despite being stuck in a tunnel of despair for 4 months, which my wonderful kids dragged me out of, I focused on the essentials and everything else went by the way side. It was the only way to get back my sanity and health. 

[KayC]

In that early time, I feel we are doing well just to breathe, to get dressed and have a sip of water.  It was absolutely the worst/hardest time of my life!  That says a lot, I've been through a LOT in my life, but nothing compares to this.

[Missy1]

@Gail 8588 thank you so much for your reply and for sharing, it really hit home for me.I was very dependent on my husband, he was like my treasure on earth. I raced home to him every day. He was my light and my entire reason for living. 
The physical symptoms and the zombie mode are spot on, I am stuck. I desperately need him back in my life.

It feels hopeless and I feel powerless, thanks for wisdom, it really did help me.

[KayC]

With regards to the title of this, "Am I losing my Sanity?"  
No.  It FEELS like that, but you're not.  I think that's a common feeling as we've lost control of our lives and everything seems backwards and upside down.