I know they mean well, but people say the worst things

[Rashell]

So many people have reached out and tried to help me in any way they can and I appreciate them all so much, but sometimes people say things that are just crushing. My aunt was asking me today if I was gonna get a memorial tattoo for him and I was telling her about the tattoos I already have for him and what I was thinking about getting. She proceeded to tell me that this will be a story to tell my grandchildren, that “when I was 22 my boyfriend got shot and died and that’s what this tattoo is.” I wanted to throw up. I don’t have children. The idea of having grandchildren at this point in my life is the most absurd thing to me. I never want to be with anyone else, let alone have children? Then, I was talking to my step dad and he was telling me what he went through when his dog died, followed by “People actually say losing an animal is much harder than losing a person.” There was just no response to that statement. My mom is also one of these people, even though I don’t mind hers as much because they are just stupid things that she says without thinking, which I do as well. I appreciate everything she has been doing for me so much, I appreciate her so much, but so many times she says the worst most crushing things. Today she was talking about the pandemic and told me it is something I will tell my grandchildren about. She is the only person I am comfortable telling that, that was not the right thing to say, which she always follows with “I realized as soon as I said it.” I know she knows she says the wrong things, and I couldn’t be upset with anyone that is here for me during this time even when the things they say are just insane, but it’s a lot trying to protect other people’s feelings right now by holding back my, “Are you freakin kidding me?”s 

I also had my first session with a grief counselor today, which I told her that it makes me really upset when people ask me how Im doing and tell me I’m handling things so well, which she followed by asking me how I was doing, and then told me I seem to be doing really well at the end of our session. I will probably be looking for a new counselor, even though I am going to see her a couple more times and give it a chance before I find someone else. 

[KayC]

On 1/11/2021 at 11:19 PM, Rashell said:

I never want to be with anyone else, let alone have children?

I would tell her that is not something to bring up to you when you JUST LOST him and do NOT want anyone else!  This is NOT like a divorce!  You did NOT WANT to be apart from him!!!

On 1/11/2021 at 11:19 PM, Rashell said:

I was talking to my step dad and he was telling me what he went through when his dog died, followed by “People actually say losing an animal is much harder than losing a person.”

I think I'd respond, "To compare losses is inappropriate because it diminishes/devalues MY grief!"  They really aren't comparable.  When I lost my companion dog 1 1/2 years ago, and I'd lived alone with him for 10 1/2 years following losing my husband and other pets and people, it felt much like losing my husband had.  Because he was all that I had!  I lost my cat soon after too.  I think one grief can bring up an old grief, and especially since we never get "over" it but in now way are any two losses the same...not even when two people EACH lose their spouse, because we are all unique and so are our relationships.  We can relate on things common to both of us, but there will be differences too.  My husband was the love of my life, the one who understood me, the only man who ever truly cared about me.  There is no conveying that to someone else, what the loss is for me. 

On 1/11/2021 at 11:19 PM, Rashell said:

it’s a lot trying to protect other people’s feelings right now by holding back my, “Are you freakin kidding me?”s 

Oh I get it.  And maybe we shouldn't be as concerned about protecting their feelings as honoring our own.  It's hard to show restraint when someone is that off base!

I hope you TELL your grief counselor why that statement upset you.  Have THEY ever experienced loss to this degree or do they just have book knowledge?  Because there's a huge difference!
Cliches - answers to
 

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Rashell said:

Then, I was talking to my step dad and he was telling me what he went through when his dog died, followed by “People actually say losing an animal is much harder than losing a person.” There was just no response to that statement.

It was something similar, but not as cruel or thoughtless, that brought me here in the first place.  I was so sick of people trying to compare any other loss to losing my soulmate.  Even though I knew that for the most part, they were just trying to show empathy and "relate," it pissed me off something awful.  The one that finally did it was an acquaintance who said, "I know how you feel. Our dog died last month."  Um, no, it's nothing like that.  My husband and I lost pets, very special soulmate-in-a-dog/cat pets.  Both losses were devastating and we mourned, hard.  But first of all, we had each other for support and comfort.  Second, a beloved family-member pet, while so very difficult to lose, is not the same thing.  Third, no one "knows" how someone else feels, not even when a loss is the same kind (like all of us here who have lost our one most important person in the world).

I wonder who "they" are who would think that it's harder to lose a pet than to lose our soulmates.  It was so insensitive and inappropriate for him to relate any loss of his own at all while you are so fresh and raw in the devastating grief you are experiencing.  To then minimize your grief with that stupid statement is basically inhumane. It's "much harder"?  Seriously?  ARGH.

I'm sorry.  I'm afraid you will continue to have to deal with things like this for quite some time.  Sometimes you may want to call people out for it.  Other times it will probably not be worth the energy or effort to try to educate someone on the realities.

[RainyPNW]

I encountered the same, probably not as cruel as yours, and I believed many people experienced something similar. I agreed with “foreverhis” (sorry don’t know how to quote) about not worth the energy to educate or argue with others as we are already exhausted in this grieving process. I think people try to comfort with good intention, and I believe they don’t think it is easy. The problem is some of them don’t really know how to comfort... and I don’t want to blame them because I probably wouldn’t know how either if I hadn’t have lost my beloved wife. So my approach is to share my feeling with those who I feel comfortable with, who will make positive impact on my life during this difficult journey. At the  of the day, we still want to live a normal life (though it will never be the same) and keep the beautiful memories of our love ones in our hearts. 

[Dawn Wms]

I have tried to remember that people have no idea how to handle any of this.  Usually they mean well, so I forgive them, but I also avoid them.  I actually understand the people from whom I have heard nothing.  They acknowledge that they don't know what to say and so they say nothing.  I prefer that to people who say the wrong thing.  Just admit it, you don't know what to say because there is nothing that can even begin to ease the pain we feel.  Several years ago I had a letter from a friend who told me her husband had died.  I have the letter still and have meant to respond but never did because I didn't know how.  I get that now.  I know why I didn't know what to say.  Because there is nothing to say that can make any difference.  I find it somehow easier to forgive those who say nothing than to forgive those who say something insensitive, but, in the end, I forgive them all, because the situation is so impossible.  I will never understand why my husband was taken so early.

[KayC]

@RainyPNW  (I'm also in the PNW!)  I am so sorry that you also have this loss.  Welcome here, I hope you'll continue to read/post as you feel up to it.

You show some wisdom with your handling of things.  Yeah we don't want to run people off but sometimes we can't take their stupid remarks either, I think it's okay to educate them, maybe not the grocery clerk, but our sibling or friend.   But as is usual, we all handle things differently.  And that's okay too, so long as we're true to ourselves.  In my other forum today they posted an article about setting boundaries in grief.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.