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Anger, grief, sadness, guilt, to many emotions - 2020 the year that keeps sucker punching you....

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After Thanksgiving 2020 my daughter started complaining of her abdomen hurting, and at times felt warm - I started to notice that her breathing was not good.  My first thought was Covid - after a few days she went to the hospital thinking that she would get some antibiotics and go home. They admitted her, told her she did not have Covid but did have an infection - a bad one that needed IV antibiotics. After 5-6 days she felt better and said she wanted to go home. She showed up at my house, when I asked her what the doctors said, she admitted that they did not want her to leave that they wanted to do some more tests. She looked better than before she went in but still not right.  A few days later the hospital called and asked for her - she wasn’t home so I asked what was wrong with her that she didn’t seem 100%. They wouldn’t tell me - she is 27y/o and has privacy rights.

for the next week my husband and I tried to get her back into the hospital and we’ll enough to go with us at Christmas to see her sister and grandparents. I kept saying that she maybe doing permanent damage to her body that she will have to deal with for the rest of her life.  She fought us saying she is fine, we could see she was not but she said she would refuse the ambulance. Then about 10 days after she got home I left on a business trip on Tuesday morning and got home late Thursday. On Friday morning I went to talk to her and she could not get out of bed. I pulled back the covers to find her ankles and feet so swollen - I knew immediately that she was in congestive heart failure. I called 911 and told her if she fought this I would tell them to send the police. 

the next morning I went to see her and talked to one of her doctors - they said that she would be in the hospital for at least 3-4 weeks, maybe longer. They also said we should go on our trip because with Covid they are not allowing visitors.  So we left, they were great calling and keeping us up to date - her kidneys were shutting down and they were going to be putting her on dialysis but the infection was making her so unstable they couldn’t do anything until that was under control. 3 days into our trip we had just gotten to Austin Tx and with our other daughter when the hospital called and said that she was now stable enough and they were going to put her under so they could take a look at her heart - they thought that the infection had damaged it the first time she went in and told me if I had gotten her back sooner.....wait I ask what was wrong and you wouldn’t tell me....

An hour later they call and say 2 valves have gone bad and must be replaced now - she won’t make it until tomorrow. They tell us not to fly back just wait for their phone call. 8 hours of surgery and she is out, they are going to keep her out for at least 2 weeks, until the infection is out of her system and well on her way to healing. At 11am on Dec 23rd they call and say she has taken a turn for the worse and is on total life support - there is no coming back.  We are in Texas in the middle of nowhere sitting at a gas station, they are saying that they can keep her on life support but there is no guarantee that she will make it an hour. My husband tells them to get a pastor to pray over her and then turn off the machines. My world is shattered - my husband is mad at her. This didn’t have to happen, a total waste. They called back and tell us that she passed 40 seconds after they turned off the machines.

‘I do not know if a support group is what I need - sometime I feel that telling the story over and over is reliving the pain - re-opening the wound and not allowing it to heal. Sometimes I jump from emotion to emotion - how they say “you good days and bad days” - for me it can be good hours and bad hours.  I am not sleeping well, I cannot focus on any project to see it through.

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Sorry for your loss. No matter how much one does if the outcome is not what was expected its natural to feel quilt. Could of, would of, should of done more regardless of whether or not it would of changed the outcome. It seems to me that you did all you could.  I've found that on-line chats, zoom groups and counseling to be some help. Your not alone. In my facebook wanderings I've seen other stories similar to yours. There are a lot of groups out there but I found these to be beneficial. Grief Anonymous Family Hub, Grief Support Group and Bereavement support online

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