Members BBB Posted January 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2021 Does living alone get any easier? I haven't lived alone since I was very young (twenties)and right now it really sucks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2021 I'm living alone too for about 3 months and it hasn't gotten any easier. I find that if I don't go out for a bit it drives me crazy. Mostly going to stores and spend a few hours there. Coming home is tough knowing my wife's not there. I feel very anxious being alone, it's not an easy thing to go through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2021 Same here BBB. I miss my wife so much. We were together constantly. She was my anchor. Thank god I got my dog sky to keep me company at home at night. I’ve been focusing a lot of energy towards my kids. We are all grieving together. I’ve simplified my life quite a bit. I eat the same healthy meals every day and hit the treadmill and workout to combat stress. It took awhile, but I finally got a routine of sorts now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 11, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 I've lived alone for over 15 years, since my George died. You do get used to it eventually, but wasn't ever my preference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CatL Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 I have to say it depends. Ironically both DH and I are/were private people. We didn't have a lot of people over, just 2 dogs as company, no kids. Right after losing him my sister stayed with me for a couple of weeks, and that helped. But I'm okay being by myself. I'm also older, mid 60's. Now, its been 9 months, and I still expect him to be there, I sometimes look for him, and I turn and talk as if he's still there. But everyone is different. Right now I'm better off alone with my dogs than surrounded by people. But it also gives me time to cry, talk out loud to DH, and vent to whatever I need to during the day or night. It also helps that I don't have anybody asking me too many questions. I do see people every few days, so I'm not entirely alone. But for me that's enough. Believe me, it took me months just to be able to walk my dogs daily. Now I'm doing well enough that neighbors wave. Some know I lost my husband, most don't. But I still wear my wedding ring, I just haven't been able to take it off. I just seem naked without it. Time will help. But do what feels best for you. And don't be surprised if that changes frequently. Do what you need, not what someone else thinks you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 I am nearing the end of my 4th year living alone, for the first time in my life. I went from living with my parents to college roommates and married my husband before graduation. I don't like living alone at all. I am going to explore the possibility of living with my son's family, but that can be a challenging situation. If that doesn't seem viable, I will try to set up a Golden Girls sort of situation. That has challenges too. I really don't want to live alone for the next decade or so. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CatL Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 23 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: I will try to set up a Golden Girls sort of situation. That has challenges too. I really don't want to live alone for the next decade or so. I wish I knew more people to be able to even consider that. It would be an idea, but DH and I never had a lot of friends. And we moved to our house less than a year before DH passed away. But I agree, I'm not sure how I'm going to spend the next decade or more alone. I just don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dawn Wms Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 I'm struggling with that too. Most of our 25 years together were without kids (except weekends as he shared custody with his first first) but we always had each other. I lived alone before I married and I am generally relieved to spend time alone, but this is different. I miss his presence. Even if he was upstairs doing his own thing and I was downstairs doing mine, we could still feel each other's presence. When he left for a weekend I knew he would be back. And I could call him. We were not clingy, but we each knew we were there for one another. This type of loneliness is like none other I have ever known. It can't be filled by anyone but him. And, as lonely as I am, I don't really want to be around other people most of the time because they want to carry on like normal. But my life is no longer normal. My life is shattered. I don't know either what I will do in the future. I have so much anxiety when I think about it so I have to just put it off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 The unbearable part of grief is loneliness... And i mean not only be alone but the deeply aloneness of the soul.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Yoli Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 Roxanne, Aloneness of the soul - wow yes exactly, so perfectly put. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 “Loneliness of the soul” absolutely encapsulates what I am feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Meloncholy Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 “Loneliness of the soul” absolutely encapsulates what I am feeling. What a perfect description! Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 4 hours ago, Roxeanne said: The unbearable part of grief is loneliness... And i mean not only be alone but the deeply aloneness of the soul.. I agree. I know that if I have housemates or even live with my son, it will not abate the aloneness of my soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CatL Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 9 hours ago, Roxeanne said: the deeply aloneness of the soul.. That's what I feel too. Maybe that's why I keep just with the dogs. They are/were his dogs, but they are the "alive" part of him I still have. 13 hours ago, Dawn Wms said: we could still feel each other's presence. YES!!! DH and I were almost never apart. It was only after becoming his caregiver that we ever spent time apart. And we were happy that way. And he did his thing, and I did mine, but we always knew the other was there. Now he's gone and I don't have that the way I did before. Makes me cry even now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 Ditto on "feel each other's presence". That sense of comfort and type of bonding is priceless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 11, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 16 hours ago, CatL said: But do what feels best for you Yes! And no need to ever take it off if it brings you comfort! I paid $275 to have it resized as it was too tight and now need to have it redone as I've lost so much weight, but can't afford to, so I wear it on my right hand. Still loose but it brings me comfort. 16 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: I am going to explore the possibility of living with my son's family, but that can be a challenging situation. I would NOT want to live with my DIL as she's not nice to any of us but I hope if the time ever comes I need to, I can stay in a motorhome on their property, that way my son can keep an eye on me but I'd still be in my own space. 15 hours ago, Dawn Wms said: I have so much anxiety when I think about it so I have to just put it off. And no need to rush it, if you get anxiety thinking about it, don't. One day at a time! 11 hours ago, Roxeanne said: the deeply aloneness of the soul.. That resonates with me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 13 hours ago, Roxeanne said: deeply aloneness of the soul.. I like that too. It's the soul wanting to escape from the confines of the body and be with the person you lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 KayC ... you are a very strong and wise woman. Reading yours posts has steeled my resolve to handle my grief and adversity. Everyone’s input on this site is appreciated I am learning a lot about myself, and others for that matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 Being alone in the house sometimes feel like I am watching myself in a movie. I am doing what needs to be done. Make the bed, eat cereal, walk the dog. Me in slow motion doing thing I know should be done but it is all empty. I think my mind wants to think this all happened to some other me and, I am just watching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 1 hour ago, jmmosley53 said: Being alone in the house sometimes feel like I am watching myself in a movie. I am doing what needs to be done. Make the bed, eat cereal, walk the dog. Me in slow motion doing thing I know should be done but it is all empty. I think my mind wants to think this all happened to some other me and, I am just watching. My feelings exactly jmmosley53. I’m trying to be more mindful, and present in the moment to help me cope. It certainly is a work in progress, but I need to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 12, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 14 hours ago, steveb said: I am learning a lot about myself, and others for that matter. OMG, I've learned more about myself the last 15 1/2 years on this journey than in the rest of my LIFE put together! It's continual learning and growing, for sure. I don't imagine it'll stop, for the rest of my life. But I've also learned I'm stronger than I think/thought...it's not apparent in our "feelings" but in how we continue in the face of them. We keep going. There used to be someone on here, Darrell, username olemisfit and he would always sign off "one foot in front of the other." Sometimes that's all we can do. One day at a time has become my motto, it's the only way I know to do this, I sure can't take on the whole "rest of my life!" or thoughts of it! 3 hours ago, steveb said: I’m trying to be more mindful, and present in the moment to help me cope. Oh yes! That's been a biggie in my journey, starting day eleven... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 I know we each progress on our own time line, and I may have just been ready to have a shift in my relationship to my grief, but something that really helped me (in year 4) was Kay's suggestion to actively look for large or small joys every day and to mindfully acknowledge them. Her advice had been there the whole time, but at the end of my 3rd year I was really in crisis. I could not go on as I had been. I was loosing my mind. I was determined to make a change and this simple act of actively looking for good, and expressing my appreciation for it - usually out loud - really did help me to find my way back to life. It wasn't my only action, but I think it was an important one for my journey. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 Everyone says that pain subdues with time...and it's true! I am not broken now how i was... But how to ged rid of the regret of him, how to get rid of the desire to see him again with his unforgettable smile ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 For me that will never leave, I want so much to hold him and I know I always will. I'm not sure I even want to "get rid of" those feelings, I just want them to stop hurting so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 12, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 Gail, thank you for that, it was a life changer for me too! It really helped because it changed ME, my outlook, my focus, my coping ability. And it did make me more joyful, overall, even though there's still times that are flat out challenging. Last night being one of them for me. Roxanne, what regret are you referring to? Something left undone or what? Defined: Regret is the emotion of wishing one had made a different decision in the past, because the consequences of the decision were unfavorable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 29 minutes ago, KayC said: Gail, thank you for that, it was a life changer for me too! It really helped because it changed ME, my outlook, my focus, my coping ability. And it did make me more joyful, overall, even though there's still times that are flat out challenging. Last night being one of them for me. Roxanne, what regret are you referring to? Something left undone or what? Defined: Regret is the emotion of wishing one had made a different decision in the past, because the consequences of the decision were unfavorable. Oh i'm sorry....maybe the word is not means what i want to say... I want to say nostalgia of him, i'm missing him all the time and as LMR said it's painful...thanks Kayc...i'm expecting your advice! Ciao Roxi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 2 hours ago, Roxeanne said: how to get rid of the desire to see him again with his unforgettable smile ? I know what you mean by that Roxi. It's the pain that you want to get rid of. My only desire and hope is to see my wife and be with her for ever eventually. I just don't like the pain of not having her here, not being able to hold her, kiss her, the physical part of my longing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 Ciao sparky..yes i don't want to feel the pain... I don't want desire something that i know it's impossible now... I hope as you in another life meet him again...buonanotte Roxi It's night here, silence all around...we are under curfew for covid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 Ciao Roxi, I also hope that we meet our partners again. It's the waiting that's the tough part. We just avoided getting a curfew but we are in a state of emergency. More lockdowns, restrictions, etc. Good night to you too. Ciao Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 13, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 20 hours ago, Roxeanne said: I want to say nostalgia of him, i'm missing him all the time I know of no cure for that but time and processing our grief, I hate to tell you how long it can take to get to where it's more doable. 19 hours ago, Roxeanne said: It's night here, silence all around...we are under curfew for covid Made all the harder in our aloneness. I, too, believe we will be together again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted January 14, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 I've given this some thought, but I don't think there's an easy answer for me. Until my husband died, I had never lived alone. Yet, the loneliness I felt and feel is because John is gone, not because I am alone in the general sense. So in that regard, I hate living alone. It's been a huge adjustment, not just because John isn't here, but because it has thrust all the decision making, home care, car maintenance, and well, everything onto my shoulders alone. I have a fantastic support system both here and longer distance, which makes a big difference. It's especially helpful that local friends, including right across the street, are here and want to pitch in when they can. One friend of ours was pretty good friends with John and has taken on a number of small repairs and maintenance "chores." It means a lot to me. Yet, we all respect each other's privacy as well. One funny thing happened a number of months ago. It was garbage night at about 7 and I was about to roll the trash and recycling out to the curb. My sister called and we got on one of our marathon chat fests. By the time we got off the phone it was nearly 10! and too late to take the cans out because they have to go over pavers and are very noisy. I figured, "Meh, there's not that much in them. I'll just skip a week because I am not getting up at 5 am to take them out!" That day and most of the day before, I hadn't been out of the house, so no one had seen me. The next morning about 9, my phone started lighting up with texts and then one of our friends called (he had been designated by the others to "bother" me). On seeing that I hadn't put the trash out, everyone started texting each other with, "Has anyone seen Annie in the past 2 or 3 days?" It meant a lot to me that they would pay that close attention and be concerned enough to make sure I was okay. Over the past year, I've also come to realize that I don't want to live with anyone else. I may feel differently as time goes by, but my heart feels that if I can't live with him, it's better to be alone. At this point, I don't want to have to take anyone else's feelings, schedule, or preferences into account day to day. It's hard enough for me to deal with just my own life without considering someone else. And I'm selfish enough now to think that my life is mostly "all about me." Years ago our best friend and I talked about what might happen if someday the two of us were on our own. Her husband (our other best friend) is also a decade older than she. In fact, in less than 2 years, he will be the same age John was when he died. I know that's kind of weighing on her mind. We've spent enough time in close quarters and various situations to know that we would likely do well living together as long as we each had some space of our own. So I don't know what the future might bring or how I might feel then. I know that's not a very concise or simple answer, but then again, for me it's a complex question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JaynEm9220 Posted January 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 On 1/12/2021 at 9:54 AM, jmmosley53 said: Being alone in the house sometimes feel like I am watching myself in a movie. I am doing what needs to be done. Make the bed, eat cereal, walk the dog. Me in slow motion doing thing I know should be done but it is all empty. I think my mind wants to think this all happened to some other me and, I am just watching. Yes. I feel detached from life. I don’t really engage at all. I do it but it’s not me doing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AnnRA Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 It’s been almost 3 months for me. Early on, I decided to get a housemate (husband even suggested it before he went). I then began to understand the terrible loneliness of living alone, as so many of you have said.... But what I have found excruciating is clearing his room, which is the necessary room to rent. I had help yesterday to move all his clothes to boxes for storage with no sorting. Today I had to clear his personal drawers, including our wedding photo, marriage certificate, my Valentine cards to him over the years..... God, that was so heartbreaking.....and then I fully realized he was gone, with no trace of him in that room anymore.....just awful.... I would have left that room intact until I could handle it (maybe never) but in order to rent, I had to clear it. I am SO hoping that my heart will heal just a bit, with the right roomate. I think I have found her, a kindred, gentle spirit who understands grief...... I will find a different room to keep out some of his things, when I can do that....but I just frantically shoved stuff in boxes today because I could NOT cope. I felt SO disrespectful, but was in total shock. My heart goes out to you who have had to move away from the home you shared....and realizing they are truly gone...... This is just so awful....I do not feel any better at 3 months, except that some of the first nightmare/surreal shock has gone a tiny bit. I can barely function....I am hoping a housemate will help, just a bit. I totally understand she is not a substitute, but perhaps I can get back into household routines with a bit of company.... Has anyone else had GOOD experiences that way??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Ann, I don't have any experience in living with a roommate but it is something I am seriously considering. So I'll be very interested in knowing how your experience goes, to the extent you are willing to share. I know I would need a balance of alone time and time interacting with my roommate(s) but I think it could be worked out. I am afraid I'd be somewhat like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory with a way too detailed roommate agreement. Don't feel bad about boxing up yor husbands things. You did what you could today. It was all that needed to be done. You can sort through the boxes later, when you feel able to. You have to do what works for you. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 17, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Three months isn't nearly long enough to "adjust," you are right where you can be expected to be, although there IS no "norm." I'm sure your husband would understand, we do what we have to do to get through this. I personally think all of us are heroes, although none feel like one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BBB Posted January 17, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 I had someone else box up my wife's things for me. I couldn't do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 40 minutes ago, BBB said: I had someone else box up my wife's things for me. I couldn't do it. That's okay too. You do what you can when you can. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 I couldn't go through my wife's clothes. The kids and my sister in law did that and I am grateful for it. It was very painful watching the clothes come out that brought back so many memories. My daughter in law did make me a quilt of some of my wife's clothes and I can't use it just right now. Maybe later on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maria_PI Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Ann, I am sorry you have to go through this so early in your loss! Hopefully you will find solace in the company of your roommate. I myself am lucky I am not in a position to need to rent out as our house is paid off, but have considered looking for a roommate just for the company. I do have a guest room so I don't have to remove or box my husband's stuff just yet. But then who would want to put up with my playing music loud in the house all day just to drown the quiet, sharing the living room and the kitchen with our pictures everywhere... I do have an acre of backyard so if any of you know anyone looking to spend the winter in Florida and has their own caravan, my space is open and I will not even charge rent. I have seen some of my neighbors having "snow birds" as they call them here coming from up north in caravans for the winter. I am just not ready to deal with classifieds as yet... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: I am afraid I'd be somewhat like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory with a way too detailed roommate agreement. Don't forget to include the clause that if there's a zombie apocalypse and you get turned into a zombie, she isn't allowed to kill you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Yes, Sheldon went the extra mile in his roommate agreement. You can't be too careful. : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: That's okay too. You do what you can when you can. Gail It took me two years to get his things out of the closet...i think i had that "magical thought" about his return someday... Now i am aware, how painful it is, that no return is possible... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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