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Today, just my ramblings. I get why many faiths allow people to get remarried. When your partner dies, you have no one to share your life with any longer. However, it is that very partnership and the loss therein which we all grapple with so strongly. I applaud any of you who have moved on and gotten involved with another person but for me, I do not see anyone else filling the void. I do not think one can have multiple soulmates. I found mine and she is gone. I do not think I could be fair to another individual and thus I would not want to be involved in another relationship. By fair, I mean I fear that I would always be comparing others to my wife. That's not fair to them. I still haven't even taken my ring off. I think it will be many years before I view myself as 'single', if ever. I have to catch myself when filling out forms because the married checkbox is always an instant check. Then I have to go back, scratch it out and check the single box. It doesn't even feel right. 

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steveb

I understand where you are coming from BBB, but I think we need to cross that bridge when we  come to it.  I never imagined life without my wife Chong. To be honest, I thought I would be the first to pass due to my bout with leukemia.  Regardless of what happens down the road, I know I will always love my wife. 

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17 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

 

Not sure how any of it impacts an afterlife.

Thats what I wonder about. How can I reunite with my soul mate?

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I lost DH in April 2020 and I still wear my wedding ring. I even still sometimes refer to us, not me. I've had just a couple of people ask me if I've started dating. The good thing is I get to blame Covid for not even trying to meet anyone. Comparing others to him - ohhhhhh yes. DH and I were two peas in a pod. How do you replace that? I don't know if its even possible.

For me lots of things don't feel right. Not wearing my wedding ring, doesn't feel right. Eating alone, doesn't feel right. Sleeping alone doesn't feel right. Being alone in this house doesn't feel right. I feel that way myself.

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23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I never have believed in the "only" in front of friends.  Those relationships enrich our lives and their importance should not be minimized.

Wow I thought I was the only one who got it. More than once I was (I thought) becoming friends with someone of the opposite sex only to have her accuse me of something else. Man that steamed me. Physician heal thyself.

 

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14 hours ago, widower2 said:

As for "but how would that work in the afterlife?" I wouldn't worry about that in the tiniest. If you believe in God, I assume you believe he's all-knowing and all-powerful, right? Doesn't it make sense that He knows how to work that all out?

I so agree!  That is NOT something I worry about!  Nor do I worry about how George is right now, I know he's a helluva lot better off than I am right now!  :)  But oh do I miss him!

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Checking the W or Widow box on forms still hurts.  I don't think I could ever check Single.  Unless it needs to be legally correct, I will say that I am married because that is how I feel.

I think the main things we have to check that for are tax returns and medical...they need to know we're on our own and don't have someone at home to bandage our back or whatever.

Widower, a few months after George died I ran across an old friend/employer and he made an untoward advance to me, it upset me so bad, I hit a deer on the way home because of my tears!  When I got home, the disparity hit me how George would always check to make sure I made it home safely...this time there was no one checking.  :(

 

 

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16 hours ago, widower2 said:

Wow I thought I was the only one who got it. More than once I was (I thought) becoming friend with someone of the opposite sex only to have her accuse me of something else. Man that steamed me. Physician heal thyself.

 

I'm so sorry that has been your experience.  Mine has been the opposite for most of my life, at least for the most part.  Our two best friends, our brother- and sister-by-choice, married each other going on 30 years ago.  He was a good friend of mine that I met at work.  She was a friend of John's when she auditioned for one of his orchestras. John and I were already friends with her parents, so that was an easy and comfortable start of the friendship.  The night he came home from her audition, he said, "Jane (making up the name) is fantastic.  We're going to be great friends.  You'll love her."  I was not the slightest concerned and was happy that they hit it off so well.

So the four of us, along with two other friends who ended up marrying each other, spent much of our time together.  We traveled, we got together for dinner, we went to concerts (sometimes to see some combination of us performing; sometimes not), we did shows together (well, the other two guys were enthusiastic supporters, but didn't perform).  And we did all of that in various combinations with a closeness that can be hard to find and without a scrap of jealousy or concern.

Once our two best friends had their two kids (late bloomers), it got even funnier.  The guys look like brothers and act like best friends.  Us two gals look like sisters and act the same.  Strangers had no clue "Whose kids are those?" and so we simply got into the habit of saying, "Thank you" whenever someone would tell us how cute our kids were or how well behaved (usually!).  It just didn't matter which one of us was wearing the baby in a sling or pushing a stroller or whatever.  They were "our" kids.

John was one of those special men who had a way of making women like him without concern that he might be hitting on them.  He treated them like human beings who he found endlessly interesting and enjoyable.  He had many women friends his whole life and was especially close with our best friend.  Yet even so, from time to time, a woman would be upset if he wanted to strike up a friendship or even a conversation.  He never, never hit on them or "tried it on" or anything inappropriate, but for whatever reason (maybe bad experiences, maybe watching too darn many soap operas, or maybe reading too many romance novels; who knows), those women would act as if he'd just asked them to have sex right then and there.  I mean, sometimes I'd be near enough to see their overreaction and his disappointment, and I'd think, "Geez woman!  A nice, intelligent, funny man whose wife is standing right over there just smiled, said hello, and wanted to get to know you.  And you act like he's Don Juan.  Your loss, idiot girl."

I have a sneaking suspicion that if we ever met in person you'd be much like he was that way.  Just a man who enjoys the company of women without needing/wanting more than that.

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I know a lot of older people, older than me anyway, who never got remarried not even having a close friend of the opposite sex. When my dad passed away, my mom had a very difficult time. She was older than him but she loved him with all her heart. A few years later, we had to put her in retirement living because she needed constant care. A gentleman across from her apartment tried to make the move on my mom, but my mom was always sharp, right to the end. She told him with a few choice words where to go because she only had one love and wanted to let it be that way until she was alive. I talked to the gentleman on what happened, and he was disappointed that my mom had spurned him. I found it hilarious and admired my mom for it.

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6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I have a sneaking suspicion that if we ever met in person you'd be much like he was that way.  Just a man who enjoys the company of women without needing/wanting more than that.

Thanks :)  I'd like to think so. Frankly I don't know if I could ever have something more than friendship/companionship with another woman or not anyway. And in fairness i guess there is never shortage of jerk guys who are out there "for what they can get" so maybe these women have had some bad experiences and just got an "all men are that way" attitude. Which is stupid, but you'll never convince them otherwise. Or maybe yeah they've been watching Lifetime Channel way too much. 

 

3 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I know a lot of older people, older than me anyway, who never got remarried 

This is a key point. I think age makes a big difference in how interested people are in another relationship.

  

 

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4 hours ago, widower2 said:

Thanks :)  I'd like to think so. Frankly I don't know if I could ever have something more than friendship/companionship with another woman or not anyway. And in fairness i guess there is never shortage of jerk guys who are out there "for what they can get" so maybe these women have had some bad experiences and just got an "all men are that way" attitude. Which is stupid, but you'll never convince them otherwise. Or maybe yeah they've been watching Lifetime Channel way too much. 

I hope that one of these days you are able to find a woman as a friend.  I think having a friend or two of the opposite gender can really enrich our lives.

Yes, there are jerks out there.  I met and even dated a few of them before I met my husband.  In fact, I had come out of a bad relationship around the time he and I started to become friends.  He didn't make a move, even though it was clear we were also attracted to each other, until a year later.  I didn't hesitate to say yes because I knew not all men were the jerks my ex-boyfriend turned out to be.  We went on our first date and that was it for both of us.  We just knew.  So I asked him years later why he waited so long to ask me out.  He said, "No way was I going to try to take advantage when you were vulnerable!"

I guess it's all too easy to figure that all men are jerks (or all women are...you know) when you've had to deal with a few.  Yes, the romantic fantasies some women harbor can be destructive to forming lasting, healthy relationships with men, both romantically and platonically.  It is stupid and some cannot be convinced otherwise.

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14 hours ago, widower2 said:

Or maybe yeah they've been watching Lifetime Channel way too much.

:D  May be!  I've had a lot of bad experiences with men other than George so I have a high red alert button built in but would never judge anyone by the others I've known, just be cautious and keep in mind what are my qualifiers and what are red alarms!  So far no one has even come close...but I DO have male friends that I care about although I don't "date."

My daughter had a 20 year relationship, watched carefully the first nine years before marrying him.  They had a huge love story that I thought was comparable to George & I but alas he changed overnight when he started working at a different place and started drinking, running with the wrong crowd.  He left her after she suffered a miscarriage!  Who does that!  A crumb-bum, that's who!  She still loves him, but it's been about 3 1/2 years and he told her on Christmas he was getting a divorce (12 years before he proposed on Christmas), who does that?!  Couldn't he wait a day or so?  She cried all day.  He filed and it went to the courts in February but they aren't processing anything during Covid.  She's stuck in limbo.  She had to get her own place, works seven days/week, her biological clock taking her further away from ever having a family.  She said she'd give up on guys altogether if it weren't for her brother.  She knows they're not all alike and her brother proves that to her.  I hope everyone knows someone like that, someone of utmost character, thoughtful, caring.  Someone who proves it's not the gender but just individuals and we can't blame everyone for one or even many bad seeds out there. ;)

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

the romantic fantasies some women harbor can be destructive to forming lasting, healthy relationships with men, both romantically and platonically.

Some people are unrealistic.  Friendship AND marriage take a lot of effort and yes some compromise, mostly a whole lot of caring!  They aren't just starry eyed romance that few of us can carry out 24/7.  Yes George and I loved each other like that, but we also know that marriage has bad breath days and hard times and yes times where one is less than "lovable."  But we love them anyway, and some days our commitment and memories carry us.  Whether we're talking marriage or friendships.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

but we also know that marriage has bad breath days and hard times and yes times where one is less than "lovable."  But we love them anyway, and some days our commitment and memories carry us.  Whether we're talking marriage or friendships.

Kay, thank you, I couldn't have said it better myself. A couple always has to work on making the marriage work. My marriage was no different, but I always was the peacemaker, and loved my wife no matter what.

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20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I guess it's all too easy to figure that all men are jerks (or all women are...you know) when you've had to deal with a few.  Yes, the romantic fantasies some women harbor can be destructive to forming lasting, healthy relationships with men, both romantically and platonically.  It is stupid and some cannot be convinced otherwise.

Oh trust me, for every bad seed man out there, there's a woman. I dated my share. Although I think "bad" men tend to be more self-serving jerks, where "bad" women tend to be more emotional train wrecks. Neither better than the other I think, just a different kind of don't-walk-run-in-the-other-direction people

  

10 hours ago, KayC said:

My daughter had a 20 year relationship, watched carefully the first nine years before marrying him.  They had a huge love story that I thought was comparable to George & I but alas he changed overnight when he started working at a different place and started drinking, running with the wrong crowd.  He left her after she suffered a miscarriage!  Who does that!  A crumb-bum, that's who!  She still loves him, but it's been about 3 1/2 years and he told her on Christmas he was getting a divorce (12 years before he proposed on Christmas), who does that?!  Couldn't he wait a day or so?  She cried all day.  He filed and it went to the courts in February but they aren't processing anything during Covid.  She's stuck in limbo.  She had to get her own place, works seven days/week, her biological clock taking her further away from ever having a family.  She said she'd give up on guys altogether if it weren't for her brother. 

So sorry to hear this. What pile of (you know) that guy is. He's lucky I wasn't her dad. He might be in the hospital about now. :) I hope she can regroup and realize there are worthy guys out there, though I don't blame her for being skittish after all that time. 

 

 

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