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Tonight has been really bad


Rashell

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I keep making post after post but I have no one to talk to. No one is responding tonight and it’s been the worst night so far. I started feeling really weird and think I may have taken too much of my medication without realizing it. My brain got really fuzzy and my eyes wouldn’t stay open, normally when these things would happen he would help me through them, or atleast just acknowledge that he knew I felt weird so that if something happened he had known I was feeling weird. I messaged a few people and no one responded, then I fell asleep. Since he’s passed I haven’t had any dreams, but I usually have really bad night terrors that he wakes me up from, and of course they started again tonight. The first dream was that me and him were in bed, and I had woken up from this nightmare (my life) and none of it had been true, and he was telling me he was still here. And I was super tired in the dream but I kept checking if he was there and breathing every few seconds. But I couldn’t stay awake and I knew if I went to sleep he was gonna go away, which he did. Then it transferred into this other dream where I was walking around with all these happy people, singing and living their lives and I was like a cartoon with a dark rain cloud over me. Then it turned into another dream where someone was trying to hurt me and I was trying to get away, and people were trying to help me, and no one could because the person was over my body and everything they were doing to the person was hurting me. I woke up and couldn’t move any part of my body for like a whole minute. Now I’m up, and I’m absolutely terrified to go back to sleep, and no one has answered any of my texts. He always answered my texts, but most of the time I would wake up from these nightmares next to him and I wouldn’t feel so alone. The first dream was the worst one, because it felt so real but I could tell it wasn’t. Just needed to vent, this is hard.

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Vent away dear.  This site has given me great comfort.  I’m so glad you found it. 

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Rashell, 

I am so sorry you are suffering so.  Grief manifests in so many different ways. 

I had a lot of anxiety for  a long time.  The first 6 months I often slept on the floor of our small closet. Not a restful sleep, a sobbing in the dark until exhausted sleep. My mind constantly flooded with all the horribles that could befall me now that my protector was gone. 

There certainly were challenges I had to overcome, but slowly I dealt with the things I had to do today, and eventually my mind no longer ran the nightly horror show of what could happen.

I recommend you talk to your doctor about what you are experiencing.  My doctor was able to help me. Time was a major contributor to my healing. 

I wish there was an easy way to get through this kind of loss.  

Sending you strength to keep body and soul together. 

Gail 

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9 hours ago, Rashell said:

I keep making post after post but I have no one to talk to. No one is responding tonight and it’s been the worst night so far.

Hi Rashell.  Welcome and I'm so sorry you have to be here with us.

I just want to let you know that sometimes, especially in the middle of the night, you won't have responses right away.  But that does not mean we don't care or want to help; it just means we're not online then.  Other nights, several of us might be having one of those nights like you had and can talk about it right then.

It's an excellent thing to vent, no matter what time of the day or night.  I've done that too, on some really bad nights and especially the first year or more.  Just writing it out and letting the other members know what we're feeling and experiencing is really helpful for most of us.  You can be sure that we will respond when we're here and when we're able (sometimes our own struggles sap all our energy). 

Even though it might not seem like it sometimes, you are not alone on your so very new and painful journey.  We are here and we care about you.

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Hi Rashell,

I don't know about the meanings of dreams.  I did have a change in my dreams since my husband's death.  I used to dream all the time..  Now I don't dream at all.  It seems like at night I lay down close my eyes and 1 minute later it is morning.  I wish so much to have dreams of my husband.  It's like my ability to imagine is gone.

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1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I just want to let you know that sometimes, especially in the middle of the night, you won't have responses right away. 

Yeah I was more talking about my family and friends that have been taking care of me. They normally stay up til 3/4am as most of us are night owls, but last night for some reason every single person went to sleep early. Which was why I came on here, sometimes it just helps to write things out and put them out there. &Thank you.

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38 minutes ago, jmmosley53 said:

Hi Rashell,

I don't know about the meanings of dreams.  I did have a change in my dreams since my husband's death.  I used to dream all the time..  Now I don't dream at all.  It seems like at night I lay down close my eyes and 1 minute later it is morning.  I wish so much to have dreams of my husband.  It's like my ability to imagine is gone.

I’ve never had that many dreams of people that have passed, and I’ve had quite a few people in my life so far, once in a while I would have a dream of my grandmothers, but this didn’t start until years after they passed. I’ve never had a dream about my father, I think I was too young (6) to remember anything. I am actually really happy now that I had that dream last night, but at the time it felt like the worst thing ever, to have everything taken from me, and then get it back in a dream and have it taken again. Now I’m glad and realize it was actually a very comforting dream, and I hope I keep having them. 

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2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I recommend you talk to your doctor about what you are experiencing.

Unfortunately I’ve had a lot of mental health issues for years and have been and am on lots of medications, including ones to help with my sleep disorder which I’ve had for years, but over the years the medications work less and less. I start seeing a counselor tomorrow and am hoping that will help.

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Good for you on seeing a counselor Rashell!  No shame in getting help. In fact, it takes much more courage to do so.

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10 hours ago, steveb said:

This site has given me great comfort.  I’m so glad you found it. 

I've also gotten comfort on this site since finding it a while back. I have learned quite a bit about the grief process, and realize that most of us have pretty similar experiences. It reassured me that what I am experiencing is common among us that lost a partner. The people here are very supportive and know what it feels like.

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Writing is an excellent way to get things out and to process even for a second. 

I've struggled with overwhelming my friends and family. They love me and are there for me, but I'm terrified to wear out my welcome. They don't possibly want to talk about my heart all the time. 

That's when I come here...or write in my journal. 

This is definitely a journey...one of downs and ups and all the emotions in between. Grief is so strange to me. That's what I wrote in my journal the other day...nothing else...just "grief is so strange to me." That's all my heart could write down. 

I've also begun yoga and that has helped. The breathing, body awareness, I have found a new obsession! 

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4 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

Grief is so strange to me.

Succinct and so very accurate.  I think that's one reason people simply don't and can't get it unless and until it happens to them.  Imagining what it's like doesn't even come close to the bizarre and unwelcome experience of it.

4 hours ago, frenchygirl said:

I've also begun yoga and that has helped. The breathing, body awareness, I have found a new obsession!

Excellent!  I was a dancer (for fun, not profit).  I knew a little about yoga, but had never done any.  One of my newer, very good neighbor friends is a yoga instructor.  She's fantastic.  One of my other neighbor friends had been taking classes with her for a number of years.

The second friend, who literally lives across the street, kept "nudging" me to try a restorative class.  I kept resisting.  One day, she texted that I should be ready to go at 5:10 for an early evening class.  I texted back that I had no idea what to do and no yoga clothes and "I don't know... I'm so out of shape right now..."  She can be quite a force of nature, in a firm but kind way, and told me to just wear comfortable workout clothes.  At 5:10, I walked out the front door, just a tad nervous.  This was pre-COVID, of course, so it was in the small studio only 5 minutes away.  When I saw the others in class (about 8), all ages, sizes, and physical conditions, I thought maybe I could do it.  I'm glad my friend gave me that gentle kick in the pants to at least try it.

A few months later I added a 90 minute gentle flow class early Sunday mornings.  It's taken me some time to become familiar with it, but I really love that during practice I have no energy, physical or mental, to focus on anything except that.  I'm learning; I'm improving; most of all, I feel calmer afterward, also both mentally and physically.  It's emotionally beneficial, which I didn't really expect.

Though some poses and rhythms are familiar and nearly identical to some dance moves, others are wildly different or are done a different way.  I had very good body and breathing awareness already, but I've been challenged in a positive way learning a new discipline, including ujjayi breathing and mindful presence.  I know I'll never be a master at it, but I don't mind. 

These days, we have Sunday morning on Zoom and then a small invited outdoor group practice midweek.  When I injured my leg last November and my doctor took me out of class for 3 weeks, it seemed an eternity.  That's when I realized that yoga had become a "need" and not just something to do.

I'm so glad you've found the same type of benefits from it.

 

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You all sound inspiring!  foreverhis, I've never tried it for the reasons you cited, maybe someday, not sure I can bend that much at my age though!

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40 minutes ago, KayC said:

You all sound inspiring!  foreverhis, I've never tried it for the reasons you cited, maybe someday, not sure I can bend that much at my age though!

Well, right now with your hands, maybe none of the poses that put your hands on the mat.  But as far as bending goes, put out of your mind that you have to be able to pretzel yourself into poses or that you have stand on your head or balance your whole body on one hand.  That's the kind of thing I used to think.  And I envisioned a room full of mostly young and definitely fit, flexible students who would look down on the somewhat overweight, out of condition, sad middle-aged woman who didn't even have the "right" clothes.  I'm sure some classes are like that, but it's stunning how many are not.

There a many different types and levels of yoga.  Restorative is extremely gentle and uses things like bolsters, blankets, straps, and blocks to assist and prevent injury.  Gentle flow is more active and progressive, but there are numerous modifications for various abilities and health issues.  With my knee, a few of the poses and strengthening movements are out of the question because I cannot sit with my calves under my thighs.  After my knee replacement in 18 months or so, I'll be able to with added padding under that knee.  For now, I have modifications that allow me to get a similar benefit without hurting myself.

As for age, the youngest in our midweek class is a friend's daughter who is in her 30s.  The rest of us are late 50s to early 70s.  Same for Sunday Zoom, as far as I know.  We even have a couple of men on the Sunday class.

There are many poses and movements that are very gentle on the hands or that don't really involve the hands at all except for being specifically positioned, but not bearing weight.  It might be worth a try to check out You Tube or whatever for gentle flow and restorative videos just to see what you think.

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4 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Well, right now with your hands, maybe none of the poses that put your hands on the mat.  But as far as bending goes, put out of your mind that you have to be able to pretzel yourself into poses or that you have stand on your head or balance your whole body on one hand.  That's the kind of thing I used to think.  And I envisioned a room full of mostly young and definitely fit, flexible students who would look down on the somewhat overweight, out of condition, sad middle-aged woman who didn't even have the "right" clothes.  I'm sure some classes are like that, but it's stunning how many are not.

There a many different types and levels of yoga.  Restorative is extremely gentle and uses things like bolsters, blankets, straps, and blocks to assist and prevent injury.  Gentle flow is more active and progressive, but there are numerous modifications for various abilities and health issues.  With my knee, a few of the poses and strengthening movements are out of the question because I cannot sit with my calves under my thighs.  After my knee replacement in 18 months or so, I'll be able to with added padding under that knee.  For now, I have modifications that allow me to get a similar benefit without hurting myself.

As for age, the youngest in our midweek class is a friend's daughter who is in her 30s.  The rest of us are late 50s to early 70s.  Same for Sunday Zoom, as far as I know.  We even have a couple of men on the Sunday class.

There are many poses and movements that are very gentle on the hands or that don't really involve the hands at all except for being specifically positioned, but not bearing weight.  It might be worth a try to check out You Tube or whatever for gentle flow and restorative videos just to see what you think.

I started very simple....I am following a YouTube channel and her 30-Day Breath program. It's about 30 min per day. If anything, I love how calming her voice is....check out her site (and you can sign up for the 30 day program too): https://yogawithadriene.com/

 

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My counselor just told me about something called “grief yoga”

Not really sure what it is but gonna look into it, I was into yoga when I was younger but could never find the right instructor, and I like doing things in groups so after awhile I kinda stopped going at all. Possibly will start again.

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Breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, exercise, etc., all good stuff to help one calm down. I need to start doing some belly breathing and meditation myself.  

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On 1/11/2021 at 1:30 PM, frenchygirl said:

I started very simple....I am following a YouTube channel and her 30-Day Breath program. It's about 30 min per day. If anything, I love how calming her voice is....check out her site (and you can sign up for the 30 day program too): https://yogawithadriene.com/

 

Thanks.  I'll check it out.

One thing you touch on that is so important:  The voice.  I've tried a number of You Tube and other videos.  Some have ads in the middle of practice (yeah, that's really helpful), others have been so repetitive within a short practice that I'm bored, and still others--so many--the instructor's voice simply grates on me.

My friend has what we all call her "yoga voice."  It is by far the most calming, yet firm, and melodious voice I could imagine.  Actually (this is telling a bit of a tale), one of our other neighbor friends had a major issue last year (pre-COVID).  She needed some back up for a stressful situation and wound herself up into a frenzy.  She's kind of high-strung anyway, so the rest of us didn't really know what to do.  My friend walked up to her, took her by the shoulders gently, and sat her down.  Then using her yoga voice she had our neighbor breathe slowly and then so calmly helped her figure out what she wanted/needed to do.  It was stunning.  I was thinking, "Where was this voice when we had a toddler in the house???" 

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@Rashell dreams are very much a topic of controversy. Some believe one can leave this world and visit their people in the the spirit world in the dream state. I have met with dead people who I didn’t know they died and taken messages to people that were blown away by the message. 
I have always been connected to this other world since I was a child. Sometimes dreams are just that, other times it’s feels different,

I watched that Netflix documentary, Surviving Death, it was validation to many that life goes on after death of our physical body. Again just sharing my personal experiences, hope I didn’t offend any one. 


 

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@Missy1 Thank you for this comment, I strongly believe these things as well. I heard about that documentary and was very curious but have been worried that watching it will trigger my anxiety as I have a pretty bad fear of death. I might check it out after what you said.

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13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I watched that Netflix documentary, Surviving Death, it was validation to many that life goes on after death of our physical body. Again just sharing my personal experiences, hope I didn’t offend any one. 

I certainly hope no one would be offended by your opinions and experiences.  They shouldn't be.  You're not lecturing that we all have to believe the same thing.  You're telling about yourself, which is good.

I haven't watched that documentary, but my own experiences tell me that my husband's presence, spirit, soul, or whatever name we give it is still alive, if you will.  He's just not here, with me and our girls, in this world.  I don't know why he was taken from us and have come to realize that I will not get those answers, at least not in this world.  Every once in a while, I believe he gives me a sign.  Now, maybe I am just reading too much into those things and maybe I'm just desperate to believe that our universal faith is right and that there is something mysterious and amazing beyond this world.  At this point, it doesn't much matter to me what anyone else thinks about it.  I can feel the thread of our connection still there and that is precious.

I agree that sometimes dreams are just dreams, our sub/unconscious mind working out an issue or concern, imagining a scenario, or simply fulfilling a wish in the only way it can.  But there are others, not necessarily ones my husband inhabits as I've had precious few of those and the first two were nightmares.  Sometimes a dream weighs heavy on me, not necessarily that it was "bad," but that it was profound for some reason I usually can't fathom.  There is so much we don't know about how the universe works that it's hard not to wonder if sometimes a deep dream can take us right to the edge of "what's next."  As that is where our hearts reside now, it's not surprising those dreams would affect us more than others.

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@foreverhis @Missy1 None of this is silly or can be judged. We are humans trying to grasp something that I don't think we can. No matter what you believe. I have a cardinal that comes and sits on my porch for just a brief moment almost daily. You better believe I believe it is the love of my life checking on me....We do what we have to because grief is something no one is prepared for or can be talked out...you just walk through it. Thankful more than you will ever know for this community.

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