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The realness of it


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JodyMarie83

The deep pit.  It's real.  I try to live my life for Jesus every day and, still, sometimes that pit ends up under my feet.  I fall.  I fall hard.  All I can think about is the life I may have had had my mother lived.  I look at my life now and think, there's no way I would be here right now if she were still alive.  I never would have traveled.  I never would have moved 2500 miles away.  The awful things that have happened in my life since she's been gone would have never happened.  Alcohol would not have become my companion when days are hard.  Alcohol is full of lies and I don't know how to stop wanting it.  There are days I feel so absolutely alone.  I have a friend I can talk to, but not talk to.  No one knows the depths.  No one knows the deep pit thoughts.  I hate feeling so alone.  I miss my mother so much and it has been sixteen years...today.  

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On 1/6/2021 at 3:03 PM, JodyMarie83 said:

The deep pit.  It's real.

There are days I feel so absolutely alone.  I have a friend I can talk to, but not talk to.  No one knows the depths.  No one knows the deep pit thoughts.  I hate feeling so alone.  I miss my mother so much and it has been sixteen years...today.  

I do understand the dark pit. the depths, as you say. it is a darkness you can feel. When my Father died, I was blown away. It was sudden, unexpected, and violent. Dazed, not knowing what had happened but knowing he was dead. Then came the grief, like an explosion of pain in my heart. Piercing. Searing. So much I nearly went mad. It seemed like God died that very day: no presence, no answer; just terrifying silence. Ever since that day--May 2, 2018--I cannot stand the silence. Think, think, think. that's all i do. Silence is death to me in this grief. to say I miss him is the understatement of understatements. I cannot breathe. His death is suffocation to me. everyone else has moved on. i don't know how i ever will. I can do nothing but keep going or die--and I refuse to do the latter. Thank you for posting. Writing this helps. Love, TLN.

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