2 cousins

[cattykins]

h

[ModKonnie]

Hi everyone. I just turned 18 and I have already lost 2 of my beautiful cousins.

5 years ago my cousin died of a drug overdose. I was so shocked and heartbroken, as I had never experienced the loss of somebody so close to me before. We didn't even know about her drug use so I just couldn't believe it. She was older than me and I looked up to her so much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but I'm scared because as more time goes by it's getting harder for me to remember her. Her voice, her laugh, the way she looked, I feel like they're fading quickly from my mind but I don't want to forget. I don't know what to do because I have never really talked to anybody about it. I try to act like it doesn't bother me, but it hurts every day.

Less than a month ago I woke up to a call from my dad. He told me that my cousin had died in a car crash the night before. I didn't want to believe it. It's hitting me hard because not only am I dealing with the grief of losing one cousin, the memories of the first death are rushing back to me. I find myself breaking down randomly, but I feel like there isn't anybody who I can really talk about it with. I sometimes get angry and blame them for leaving me, but I know I shouldn't. I know from the first death that it gets easier with time, but it's hard for me to imagine myself feeling better right now. I want to visit my cousin's grave, but her funeral was so long ago I don't remember where it was. I go to the cemetary and drive aimlessly looking for her name on a stone, but I can't seem to find it. I want to ask somebody who knows where it is, but I'd rather visit her on my own.

Sorry for such a long post, I just needed to get this out.

Hi Cate,

I am sorry for the loss of your cousins. When I was 14, I lost my brother. As time began to pass, many memories faded and began to blur. I panicked and felt guilty over it, but I now realize it's okay. I haven't forgotten about him, and I will never forget him (it's been more than 30 years....) While I can't recall the finer details of some things, I do remember vividly others. That's okay.

Whenever someone I love passes on, I re-live the previous grieving situations. I believe this is normal. It's okay if you break down once in awhile. Losing people you love is tough. If you want to visit your cousin's gravesite, ask someone. They may be more than happy to tell you and share with you the location. Explain you'd like to visit alone. I'm sure it will be okay.

I am glad you got this out. Releasing your pain and concern help healing. Feel free to share more.

ModKonnie

[cattykins]

h