Difficulty accepting the reality of his death.

[Dawn Wms]

My husband was healthy and fit and only 65.  He was the most energetic, enthusiastic person I know.  He worked out, ate well, and got a yearly check-up, where he always got a clean bill of health.  Then, after just a few days of feeling "under the weather," he died.  It was a pulmonary embolism and I know that it happens that way sometimes.  Nonetheless, I am going out of my mind trying to accept that he is really dead.  It has been eight months and every time I realize it I feel like I've been punched in the gut.  I really can't wrap my head around the fact that he died.  I have had other losses, but this one is challenging my sanity.  I was sad when my parents died, but I was able to accept it.  I didn't have trouble accepting the reality of it, even though it was a huge loss for me.  Has anyone else had that struggle to even intellectually accept that the death has occurred?  I'm not just struggling with grief, I feel like I am going insane.  It is just too much and too unbelievable for my brain to handle.

[KayC]

OH YES!!!  I think a lot of us have felt that.  It didn't seem real.  It's been 15 1/2 years now so I KNOW the reality all too well.  Gone are the days I thought it was a nightmare I'd wake up from.  Now I know it isn't.  I live it.  Now I fight feeling our life together was a dream, it feels like a far away movie I once watched.  I've literally gone to my file drawer and LOOKED AT his birth certificate, marriage certificate, death certificate, looked at his handwriting and photos of us together.  Yep, that's my nose, I'm in that picture with him, he really lived here with me...but it feels so far removed from my oh-so-alone life now!  15 1/2 years I've had to make decisions on my own, weather storms, recover surgeries, figure out finances, hire contractors, look for jobs, shovel snow, bury my pets, my mom, my sister...alone, through all of it.  I try not to think of the future, I live in today because I can't handle the whole "rest of my life" as it's too much to deal with, just doing today is enough.  That's how I've gotten through this.

Welcome to our group here, it helps to give voice to what you're feeling, going through.  Here we know we are not crazy (or if we are, we have plenty of company!) and what we're feeling is "normal" for grief.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[LMR]

Dawn Wms. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I could say something to help you through this but I have no answers. I lost my husband 4 1/2 months ago. He broke his hip and died from an infection while in rehabilitation. I am still struggling to make sense of this. It just seems to me physically impossible for him to be gone. I cannot get my head around it at all. I think I have posted here before that it would be easier for me to believe an alien spaceship had landed on the lawn. I can't seem to convey to anyone the depth of this feeling, the certainty. I wanted to go and look for him, I still do even though I know that is just nonsense. My brain is scrambled. I have plans to leave and go to live with my sister but I am terrified because I still feel he is here somewhere and he needs me to rescue him. Im afraid I may feel this way forever.

I know exactly how insane you feel. 

[Diane R. E.]

I too have difficulty accepting the reality that my husband is gone (almost 3 months ago). In fact, I cannot even bring myself to use the word "died". I always say he passed away, which seems softer. My brain knows the reality that his passing away happened, but it hasn't reached my heart. Doug and I had times when the other one was away for awhile, either visiting family or going to a conference. Now I feel like he is just away for awhile, but the reality is he won't be coming back. The empty house and loneliness is really hard, but I'm grateful I found this forum! 

[Roxeanne]

It's weird our brain works...to me death is normal for the other people, it's still surreal  for my loved one...i know he is gone, but sometimes i look for him around...

[Missy1]

I fully understand he is a box of ashes beside by bedside, he can’t come back, on the other had it seems to be impossible and untrue that he is gone. I hold both of these truths in my mind. Nothing anyone can say can make me feel different. These two conflicting states in my mind tear me apart. 

[LMR]

I am still having such a hard time accepting this new reality. Death is just bewildering to me so I thought I would do a bit of online research to see how people explain it to others. Guess what. There is nothing out there for adults only for children and intellectually challenged. No wonder we have such a hard time. I read the advice for telling children, like be honest,  admit you don't know!

Death is more of an abstract idea until it happens to the people we care about. To me right now it is stil impossible.

[widower2]

On 1/2/2021 at 5:31 AM, Dawn Wms said:

Has anyone else had that struggle to even intellectually accept that the death has occurred?  I'm not just struggling with grief, I feel like I am going insane.  It is just too much and too unbelievable for my brain to handle.

As you can see, yes. There is a part of me that will never really accept this as reality. It's too, as you say, insane. I think it's OK to feel that. But it's the situation that's insane, not you. Give yourself time. 

[Dawn Wms]

Thanks.  You're right.  It is the situation that is insane. Not me.  His death was so wrong.

[Dawn Wms]

Impossible.  That's the word.  My step-son and I (my husband's son) use that word over and over again.  It is an impossible situation.  There is nothing we can do and there are no words to soothe us.  It is simply an impossible situation.

[jmmosley53]

DawnWms

I am very sorry for your loss. 

I too have had trouble believing what I know is true.  He is gone, and he is not coming back.  It seems that I have that realization almost every day and each time I do, it comes as a total shock it me.  My mind screams how can this be true; then the reality slowly sinks in and I become incredibly sad.

It's like I'm looking for some kind of hope, that's the impossible part.  I am hoping to change reality and it is impossible to do so.

[Sparky1]

I have the exact same feelings. I just can't explain how it feels. I know my wife passed on, but it doesn't seem real. It's like she's still here but I can't see her or hear her. I keep thinking that I'm having a nightmare and that I will wake up and everything will be fine. All I know is that I have been devastated and my life is never going to be the same.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, LMR said:

There is nothing out there for adults only for children and intellectually challenged. No wonder we have such a hard time.

This article is pretty explanatory, I'd print a copy and give it to someone or send them the link.  It really depicts what is needed from others.  Some who might want to be there for us don't have a clue how to.  Dr. Phil says we have to teach people how to treat us, I think that's true, unfortunately.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

10 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

There is nothing we can do and there are no words to soothe us.

No, there are no words, no fixes.  Thereis only larning to live with this and that's the hardest thing I've ever been through.

8 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

It's like I'm looking for some kind of hope, that's the impossible part.

There is no hope in our lives ever being as it was or getting them back with us, but the only hope I know is that the pain lessens in intensity to something more manageable in time...when, I can't say, we're all different.

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

it doesn't seem real.

That's how it felt to me too,it took the longest time for it to sink in, but now it's our LIFE TOGETHER that doesn't seem real!  The further out I get, and yet I still have my memories, can even remember his smell and the way I felt when he held me.  It just feels so far away and remote...

[Rebootin]

@Dawn Wms Great question and good place to ask it.

Well here's my list:

1. Talk to her from impulse (Hey did you see that.... oh ya).
2. Have long discussions with someone who isn't even there.
3. Wakening in the morning and turning to give a kiss to...nobody.
4. Coming home and expecting a hug from someone who has been gone for months.

I do not think you are any crazier than the rest of us. We are all going through some really painful stuff. Be easy on yourself.

Oh, did I mention going out , starting the car, and waiting a minuet before you realize there aint no one else coming. 

[BryGuy]

The finality of our partner being gone is overwhelming. Agata fought for three years and I knew it was coming, but it isn’t any easier. I hope we all find some peace one day. As I said in my post, people tell me it doesn’t really get better, just different? I wish you some happiness somewhere in time.

[Diane R. E.]

My husband passed away on October 6, 2020 and the permanency is settling in. This week especially, I have been feeling like I can't do this without him. I know I don't have a choice and I know I'll continue moving forward, but it's so hard. Thank you to everyone here for all the helpful suggestions and words of encouragement.  

[Sparky1]

My wife passed away on October 24 and it's still unreal. I can't come to grips on how I will go on without her. It's scary and lonely, especially with me and the dog only at home. That's what triggers my grief, knowing that I will be alone and she's not here. She was the best thing that happened to me in my life, she gave me strength, courage and the will to go through anything in life. I miss her so much.

[jmmosley53]

2 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

My husband passed away on October 6, 2020 and the permanency is settling in. This week especially, I have been feeling like I can't do this without him. I know I don't have a choice and I know I'll continue moving forward, but it's so hard. Thank you to everyone here for all the helpful suggestions and words of encouragement.  

Diane R.E.,

Please be patience with yourself.

I know you have seen posts on this site talking about 'Waves'.  I think that is exactly the right word.  The ups and downs, the doing okay to  can't do it at all.  Some times I feel like I'm a yoyo.  

It seems we all intellectually know what has occurred.  But our hearts just can not, will not, allow us to come to terms with what has occurred.  The heart wants to change it.

[Diane R. E.]

Oh yes; that's for sure! I had another wave this morning - for some reason I kept thinking about everything he went through during his hospitalization, yet he never complained. I had bought a special skin ointment because he was in bed so much, and would rub it into his skin to try and prevent more breakdown. That wave was completely unexpected, but I'm better now.

[CatL]

If you think you're going insane, so do a lot of us. For me, DH went from the hospital to rehab, and I got a call a week later saying he was on his way back to the hospital. Then of course the call from the hospital saying please come. Yes it is insane. He shouldn't have died. He just shouldn't have. I keep his ashes in my home office so I know he's gone. But I still have almost all of his things, I just haven't been able to part with them. 

And I tell myself that's okay. If I've got a bit of insanity going on, so be it. I'm still a functioning human being.

[Diane R. E.]

I totally agree about the difficulty of getting rid of our partner's things. I feel like it would be getting rid of a part of them even though our mind knows their physical body is gone. I did manage to wash and box up some shirts and pants of my husband's that didn't have too much emotional significance for me. However, I haven't taken them to a donation site. But all his tee shirts that he wore every day are still hanging where they were. 

[LMR]

 

There is a blanket and pillow on the sofa where he would take a nap in the afternoon. I still smooth it out and get it ready for him every day. I think some part of me thinks I might turn around and find him there.I have still not accepted that he is gone. It just makes no sense to me. It is getting harder and harder. I have this alter ego that does the shopping and goes through the motions of living. The real me is just sitting here crying or screaming, totally baffled and trying to figure out how to get him home.

[KayC]

@CatL  I missed sharing this with you, you've probably already seen it by now anyway, but I want to make sure I give it to you even though you seem to have a good outlook and balance.    I know we all find our way, it's not in any "order" but not all may apply right now...it is an evolving journey, so perhaps on down the road something else may speak to you, but even if nothing does, know I'm wishing you the best..these are just things I found helpful along the way. 
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[CatL]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Give yourself permission

KayC, I guess I’m lucky in some ways. Suicidal thoughts are not me - as long as I’m alive I can do something. I’ve always been that way, and I guess right now that’s a good thing. Since my anxiety attacks (I’ve only had a few in my life) usually deal with large crowds (really large crowds!) being alone with the dogs means those have been kept at bay. Yes, having the dogs helps, I have to get up every day, they must be taken care of. And for me, this site is my grief support group. I did talk to an extended family member right after DH passed (found out they were a counselor) and that helped. I had been DH’s caregiver and as they said, its like I’ve been grieving my loss since I began that journey, now its a chance to finish it. Though some people want to push me to date, get rid of DH clothes and things, I’ve reminded some people this is my house, my choice and if they don’t like it there’s the door. That may sound militant, but when DH lost his mother people pushed a similar agenda (amazing how many wanted to help themselves to her things). I told him you can always get rid of the stuff later. Well the same applies for me. 

 

And yes I have returned to “church”, thank goodness for TV church services. It may not get me out, but it does provide comfort. 

 

The joy part is the hard part. I do feel like I’ve lost the joy of day to day things. I’ve watched more TV in the past 6 months than I ever did. Hobbies don’t have the same joy they once did. But so much of my past 4 years had been as DH’s caregiver- my life, my world, my thoughts all revolved around him. 

 

That’s the tough one.

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

goes through the motions of living.

That's how I've been feeling since my wife passed away. I force myself to do things whether I like it or not. I feel like I have to bide my time until it's my turn and then I can be reunited with my wife. Some days are a real drag.

[CatL]

On 1/9/2021 at 2:33 PM, Sparky1 said:

She was the best thing that happened to me in my life

I understand that. Sometimes I feel like I now realize how much I love him, maybe realize it more now than when he was alive. I sometimes beat myself up over that.

But I remind myself, he always knew he was loved. Of that, I have no question and no doubt. He always knew.

[Sparky1]

3 minutes ago, CatL said:

maybe realize it more now than when he was alive

 I've felt like that after my wife passed away. Of course we loved each other very much, but a lot of times it was taken for a given. Now I love her even more. I guess when we miss someone, we appreciate them more.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, CatL said:

I do feel like I’ve lost the joy of day to day things. I’ve watched more TV in the past 6 months than I ever did. Hobbies don’t have the same joy they once did.

This is common/normal.  It takes concerted effort to look for, embrace, and appreciate anything good.  But I've noticed that gratefulness for the little things is what combats this, at least in my experience, and I've heard it with others too...earlier in our grief journeys seems the hardest, but I've had to fight low grade depression all these years now and the hobbies I once found joy in seem nonexistent this year.  I am able to recognize good and embrace it, but having that oomph to WANT to participate in life, that's been hard esp. this year.  Covid has only added to grief, and now my little sister has it.    I am scared for her and her husband!

16 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

lot of times it was taken for a given

I think that's human, when they're removed from us it's glaringly apparent!

[RainyPNW]

On 1/2/2021 at 2:31 AM, Dawn Wms said:

Nonetheless, I am going out of my mind trying to accept that he is really dead.  It has been eight months and every time I realize it I feel like I've been punched in the gut. 

Same as you, that is the hardest part in this grieving process. Of course my situation is still very raw and fresh but every day I was looking for her around the house. Even when I went out for a walk, as people suggested, I could not accept the fact that she was gone forever and would not accompany me in the walk anymore. It hurts deeply and I couldn’t go out for a walk myself again, at least not for now. I lost my parents and a sibling before so I thought I could handle this alright. But I was completely wrong...

There is no solution, no shortcut for this difficult journey. I just needed to focus on living a day at a time, find little things to do in the day. We had a severe wind storm this early morning, causing power outages in the region. So I just went out cleaning the falling branches in the yard. I felt good when I saw my deck and drive way were nice and clean after the storm.

{{{hugs}}}

[RainyPNW]

On 1/11/2021 at 1:28 PM, CatL said:

I had been DH’s caregiver and as they said, its like I’ve been grieving my loss since I began that journey, now its a chance to finish it.

So true. I was the caregiver 1 and the grief started from day 1 and I wished to God to give me the opportunity to be the caregiver forever...

[KayC]

12 hours ago, RainyPNW said:

We had a severe wind storm this early morning, causing power outages in the region. So I just went out cleaning the falling branches in the yard. I felt good when I saw my deck and drive way were nice and clean after the storm.

That was my morning's activity as well, I also pick them up in the street as many don't or can't do it.  I've always done it, for 43 years now.

My husband died 15 1/2 years ago, we used to go for a drive and then take our walks, I quit after he died, electing to walk my dog locally.  When that one died, a few months later I got my Arlie, he was my companion for 10 1/2 years, I could not have survived without him in my life, he was the best dog I ever had or knew.  He died 1 1/2 years ago.  The neighbor let me walk their chow to help my grief over Arlie and I did for ten months, he was nothing like Arlie but it did ensure my continued walking and I did love him.  But he bit me twice, the second time severely damaged my hand so that was an end to that.  My son brought me a puppy by then so I continue walking him.  Sometimes it's those routines that abruptly end that are so hard to get through!  

 

[LMR]

If I manage to vacuum its a good day. There just doesn't seem any point. I really don't know where the days go. Mostly I just sit in front of the tv, often with the sound turned off. I feel like I'm waiting but for what?

[jmmosley53]

Oh LMR,  I seem to be waiting too.  I realized that and tried to figure out WHAT I was waiting for.  

At first I thought I was waiting to see if he would come walking into the house - but that was not it,

Then I thought I was waiting to die so I could be with him - but that wasn't it.

My current thoughts on what I am waiting for is my life to get some sense of normalcy.  Since his death 9 months ago everything has been turmoil and pain.  I don't know when I will feel normal again.  I can't even picture what that would look like right now. 

[LMR]

57 minutes ago, jmmosley53 said:

 

At first I thought I was waiting to see if he would come walking into the house - but that was not it,

Then I thought I was waiting to die so I could be with him - but that wasn't it.

My current thoughts on what I am waiting for is my life to get some sense of normalcy.  

I know I'm not waiting to die and I'm not waiting for him to walk in the door in the normal sense either.

If I'm waiting for normalcy I won't get there this way.

It's something else, maybe I'm just waiting for an answer, something to help me make sense of this. I'm afraid for myself but I'm also afraid for him. I want to know he's okay.

[Sparky1]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

. I want to know he's okay.

 That's my biggest question I keep asking over and over. I'm also waiting and don't know for what either. When my wife was alive, she'd go out on the porch once in a while for a cigarette. Now I leave the outside lights on, and go and sit out on the porch on our bench, just like she used to. I also light candles every evening in front of her portrait. I still am lost inside the house without her knowing that she's not here. Even the dog seems lost and downcast.

[Dawn Wms]

@Sparky1, my husband and I have (had?) two dogs together.  One of them, in particular, has not been the same since G. died.  I know it is partly because he is sensitive to my mood, but I truly believes he also misses his "daddy."  The whole feel of our home is not the same anymore.  His absence has created an unwelcome silence and deprivation of energy.  He's not even getting the walks or play time he needs because I am just not up to it.   I think our pets grieve too.

[Sparky1]

42 minutes ago, Dawn Wms said:

His absence has created an unwelcome silence and deprivation of energy. 

I have the exact feeling too. Most nights I'll wake up while in bed and listen for any sound at all. The sound of the furnace going on gives me comfort. The dog shuffling makes me realize that I'm not alone. I guess I'm wishing very hard to hear my wife again, her footsteps, her cough, her getting up to go to the bathroom. A lot of times I don't fall asleep again listening for sounds.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Even the dog seems lost and downcast.

My dog was heavily grieving when George died and it took my daughter to point it out...to say I was in shock and had grief brain was an understatement! 
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html
 

[JaynEm9220]

LMR - I too am waiting.  It began the day he was diagnosed and hasn’t subsided yet.  I am getting better at filling time but most days I am just waiting for night, to sleep and forget for just a few hours that he is gone.  Just gone. It’s the worst part.  They were here.  Then they weren’t 

much love to all of you writing here.  

[LMR]

1 hour ago, JaynEm9220 said:

Just gone. It’s the worst part.  They were here.  Then they weren’t 

I still don't understand how he can be gone. The idea is so insane. What does it mean? I feel like my head will explode trying to make sense of this.

[JaynEm9220]

Yes. I find myself saying ‘where are you?’.  I just don’t understand.  When you try to explain that ‘understand’ you can’t.  It’s beyond comprehension. 

[LMR]

I too am always asking ' where are you?'.

It occurred to me tonight that its like when we have a power cut. I sit and wait unable to do anything but trusting that it will be returned to normal. I think I am waiting for the reset!

[KayC]

16 hours ago, JaynEm9220 said:

LMR - I too am waiting.  It began the day he was diagnosed and hasn’t subsided yet.  I am getting better at filling time but most days I am just waiting for night, to sleep and forget for just a few hours that he is gone.  Just gone. It’s the worst part.  They were here.  Then they weren’t 

much love to all of you writing here.  

Welcome, I'm glad you're here and hope it helps that you're heard and understood.  Reading/posting to a website such as this when I went through it helped me more than anything!  You have good company here.
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[RoseC]

My husband died suddenly 12/14/20 at the age of 49. I am trying to accept the new reality of my life. It’s me and my little dog now.
I try to remember how blessed I am for the amazing love we shared. I try and feel thankful for our 22 years of marriage, even though I wanted many more years together.
In an instant I’m slapped in the face with the fact that my life will never be the same.  But, I have to acknowledge the reality of it, even though all I want is my husband back. Healing my heart is accepting this new reality.  I try and remember how I loved him while he was here with me, and I can continue to love him in his absence. It’s never going to be the same.

Life is so very short. What will get us all through this is the love we shared with our love ones. Remembering that love and saying to ourselves, “Wow how blessed am I for having such an amazing love story.” xo

[jmmosley53]

The question that repeats in my subconscious mind is 'what am I going to do now'.  I find myself just saying aloud 'I don't know"  I say it all the time.  I could be doing anything and suddenly I just say 'I don't know"  

It is worrisome to me that I can't figure out what the heck am I going to do now that Richard is gone.  It can't be the old way..  I don't know if there is a new way, or what that way will be or how come it had to change, so many questions flood my sub conscious and I don't know the answers.

[Roxeanne]

8 hours ago, RoseC said:

My husband died suddenly 12/14/20 at the age of 49. I am trying to accept the new reality of my life. It’s me and my little dog now.
I try to remember how blessed I am for the amazing love we shared. I try and feel thankful for our 22 years of marriage, even though I wanted many more years together.
In an instant I’m slapped in the face with the fact that my life will never be the same.  

Rose you are so good and brave feeling that!

Your loss is so recent...that kind of awareness come later!

Hold on and take care ciao Rox

[KayC]

14 hours ago, RoseC said:

My husband died suddenly 12/14/20 at the age of 49. I am trying to accept the new reality of my life. It’s me and my little dog now.
I try to remember how blessed I am for the amazing love we shared. I try and feel thankful for our 22 years of marriage, even though I wanted many more years together.
In an instant I’m slapped in the face with the fact that my life will never be the same.  But, I have to acknowledge the reality of it, even though all I want is my husband back. Healing my heart is accepting this new reality.  I try and remember how I loved him while he was here with me, and I can continue to love him in his absence. It’s never going to be the same.

Life is so very short. What will get us all through this is the love we shared with our love ones. Remembering that love and saying to ourselves, “Wow how blessed am I for having such an amazing love story.” xo

I am so sorry, Rose.  My husband died also suddenly, unexpectedly, right after his 51st birthday.  We didn't meet until our mid 40s so only got 6 1/2 years with each other, married under four.  I'm glad you got 22 years together but no matter how much or little, it's never enough.  You are so right, our love continues, it's just we can't physically touch them or talk over our day (well I have but no answer back yet).  I hope you will save the tips article I posted here.  I've been learning/studying about grief for over 15 years and this is kind of a lot of it in a condensed version.  We want to be here for you and hope you will continue to come here and post.

[Diane R. E.]

On 1/2/2021 at 3:31 AM, Dawn Wms said:

It is just too much and too unbelievable for my brain to handle.

I think our brain does what it can to prevent overload. My husband passed away 4 months ago, and after the first few weeks I went into a state of felling numb most of the time. Yesterday I experienced such a profound desire for my husband to be here that it became overwhelming. The numbness must be wearing off and the reality that his physical presence will never be here is setting in. I miss him so much!

[JaynEm9220]

On 1/4/2021 at 5:20 AM, Missy1 said:

I fully understand he is a box of ashes beside by bedside, he can’t come back, on the other had it seems to be impossible and untrue that he is gone. I hold both of these truths in my mind. Nothing anyone can say can make me feel different. These two conflicting states in my mind tear me apart. 

Completely understand this sense of being.  That’s why denial isn’t the right term for this process.  Having to live through this, i think now that grief is a series of contradictory thoughts/emotions/responses.  You don’t want to be alone, but can’t bear to be with others.  You don’t want to think about the death because it floors you every time , but you know it’s always there waiting.  That reality versus the surreality of the knowledge constantly battles. 
sending love xxx

[KayC]

22 hours ago, JaynEm9220 said:

That’s why denial isn’t the right term for this process.

I agree, it takes MUCH time to process this!  It's like our mind ekes it out to us in little bits as we can absorb it, and that takes more time than we can see.  This is a lot to absorb.

23 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I think our brain does what it can to prevent overload. My husband passed away 4 months ago, and after the first few weeks I went into a state of felling numb most of the time. Yesterday I experienced such a profound desire for my husband to be here that it became overwhelming. The numbness must be wearing off and the reality that his physical presence will never be here is setting in. I miss him so much!

I think you're right, we are in shock at first, which protects us somewhat, but little by little we begin to realize they aren't coming back, we no longer expect the phone to ring or the sound of their car driving in.  And reality is harsh.