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I am so ANGRY.


LBrown

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I lost my best friend/ significant other to Covid early in the morning on December 23, 2020. He was 74 years old and had pre-existing conditions. He was very careful to follow the CDC guidelines. He told me that if he got COVID, he knew it would kill him. And it did. His son exposed him, he took my friend out to a restaurant to eat for Thanksgiving. He wouldn’t wear a mask around his father knowing the danger, especially since his wife works at a bar. He would go to the bar to see her and not wear a mask. Totally reckless behavior. And I am angry. This person knew better, his brother told him not to take their father out to eat. To protect their dad and take care of him. And he didn’t, he let his brother down. And now I have lost someone that I love. I got to go sit with him as they decreased the oxygen on the ventilator and then waited for him to pass. I held his hand and assured him that I would be ok. I would stay right there with him, he wouldn’t be alone. I did exactly what I had promised to him when we first met and started dating. We were talking about what we wanted done should something happen to each other as our relationship turned serious. Promises were made, directives were signed. I was thankful the hospital gave me the opportunity to fulfill my promise to be by his side. But he shouldn’t have been there. I can’t talk to his son, can’t look at him and don’t want anything to do with him. I know I should forgive him in time for my own sanity, but I can’t right now. Things are too raw, pain is too sharp and my heart is broken.

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Dear LBrown,

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your loss. I hear you and it is completely understandable to be angry when people are careless. It is devastating to lose your best friend. 

I am so sad for everyone who has lost a loved one to Covid. It has been devastating.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

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Dear Reader,

Thank you for your kind words. It’s so difficult to work through the 5 stages of grief when you live alone and are in quarantine. I don’t really have a lot of friends and am estranged from my only child. So I feel totally alone in the world. I feel like I am on a roller coaster daily, sometimes hourly even. That’s why I went online last night to find some support. I do have a therapist already, but he is pretty booked up already. So I will do what I can until then. 
Thanks for the (((hugs))). They are greatly appreciated. 

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Dear LBrown,

I don't think you should forgive him right now.  Because this is such a painful loss and it could have been avoided.  If anyone tells you that you shouldn't be angry, then they are experiencing being uncomfortable with someone else's emotions.

Your emotions are totally understandable and they will be what they are regardless of how you feel about them.

Maybe you can never forgive him?  I don't know because I have not been in this situation.  But maybe you are a forgiving soul and sometime in the future you want to forgive him because not forgiving him tears at you.  If that becomes the case someday, then maybe some of these thoughts will help.

We are all just humans stumbling around, not getting it right.  It is terrible and despairing when people get it wrong sooo very badly and create such harm.  But if you want to forgive, you might be able to find some part of you - in the future - that can resonate with that understanding ... we're all just stumblers in the dark.

There was a book called Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment.  It has a phrase I will remember for eternity: The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is let people be stupid.

But...

But none of that is for right now.  It is too soon and you are too raw.  And your relationship sounds so deep and such a great and painful loss that I would just put all other thoughts except your current survival aside for now.  Let you immerse yourself in this loss and this relationship because this is going to be a big job for you.

Let your sanity be free of the annoying thought that you have to forgive right now.  Let your sanity be insane, because grief is a recognized insanity.

Strength, hope and love to you in your journey.

<3

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Dear Heartlight,

 

What powerful words you shared with me today. I thank you for validating my feelings. And I will read that book one day. But the quote, I don’t think I will ever forget now. I actually put it on my Facebook profile. And I definitely feel insane right now. Thank you for understanding and giving me my bright spot today. ❤️

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear LBrown,

I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand your anger. Thousands of people who have died from COVID-19 could possibly still be alive, if those around them heeded medical advice and at least wore a mask in public. The idea of controlling your anger is beautifully expressed by the Bible psalmist David. He said: “Let anger alone and leave rage; do not show yourself heated up only to do evil.” (Psalm 37:8) The way to avoid saying or doing something that you may later regret is to keep from getting “heated up” in the first place. Of course, that is much easier said than done. But it can be done! To reduce anger, slow down and relax. Try to avoid saying the first thing that comes to mind. If you feel yourself getting overly excited and feel you are in danger of losing control of your emotions, apply the Bible’s counsel: “The beginning of contention is as one letting out waters; so before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave.”— Proverbs 17:14. You may not be able completely to avoid the people or the things that act as anger triggers, but you can learn to control your reactions to them. This involves changing the way you think. By controlling your anger, you can express your feelings in a positive way, a way that works for the benefit of everyone involved. Although it is difficult to do, try to forgive your friend's son. Our willingness to forgive does not mean that we approve of the wrong behavior or minimize the hurt that it has caused us. Rather, we simply decide to let go of resentment, even though we may have a legitimate “cause for complaint.” Besides, imagine the insurmountable guilt he must be experiencing knowing that he caused his father's premature death. More important, we prove ourselves imitators of God, who freely forgives repentant sinners and who expects us to do the same. -  Mark 11:25. 

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Valerie,

Thank you for your advice. I have spoken with the younger brother during the process of the two of them working through sorting his personal belongings and settling the estate. Apparently, the older soon is oblivious to what he has done. He is showing no remorse and doesn’t appear to even be grieving as he sorts through his dad’s personal affects. He is acting like it is a walk down memory lane. And I know each person grieves in their own way, but it is hurting his brother who feels exactly as I do about this situation. 
I have been able to hold my tongue around him. I have only spoke to him once while his dad was in the hospital. I haven’t spoken to him since he has passed. He is stay clear of me. He is just as angry because of his father’s wishes that I have his medical POA and Advanced Directives. He didn’t like that I was the one making the overall decisions. But his dad and I had discussed numerous times throughout our relationship and we both knew how each of our children would react. We did not share children. 
I’m not sure I will ever be ready to forgive him. And his brother feels the same way. I think we may have to agree to disagree on this.

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