Just really sad

[Rockwrangler]

Hey guys. I lost my little brother to a drug overdose around 3 months ago. As you know, some days are better than others. I'm feeling really frustrated right now and am struggling to do the things I used to love to do. Its hard to get out of bed in the morning. It is hard to feel joy. Some days I can push through and get back to where I once was. To further this, I was dating a gal I very much fancied and due to me being sad around her on two occasions she is unsure if I am fit for a relationship. This is just such bull crap. I don't want to hide my sadness from anyone let alone someone I am supposed to be emotionally intimate with. I was seeing a Therapist for the past month and that helped but money is tight right now and I wont be able to afford it again until work picks up again for me in February. I used to be so outgoing and adventurous and arguably still am but it feels so much harder now. My brother was so proud of me and happy for the life that I lived even though he didn't understand it and while in the beginning stages of my grief I thought about giving up my nomadic lifestyle I am now thinking that I should carry it on for him. He would have wanted me to keep going and to pursue my dreams. 

 

[Heartlight]

Hi Rockwrangler,

When my sister first died, I had to see a counsellor.  Once right away because I didn't even know how to be ok, and the second time about 3 months later because I was having panic attacks.  The second time is when I learned the difference between doing things and being engaged.  It didn't seem to matter that I was doing things, what mattered was that I was truly engaged in the activity, which I wasn't.  After that, I started to become more mindful of the things I did.  I was able to be present in the moment and therefore the struggle became something I could bear, not something I was fighting against.  It was like I was able to use the pain and the struggle to help prop me up from the pain and the struggle, if that makes sense.

About the girl you fancy, I'm sorry that you have to experience this.  I have seen that in this society, we do not deal with the emotions of death well.  To be a help for people grieving, a person has to be able to handle strong emotions in another person, with the understanding that there is nothing they can do to take away that pain.  That is a very difficult task for most people.  This, often times, leaves the work of helping others feel better around us to us.  I can't tell you whether to adjust your outward expression to assist this relationship, but I can tell you that what you are experiencing is not unusual, unfortunately.  This is why places like this forum or group sessions can be really helpful for people who are mourning (express the pain of their loss, not just experience it) because other people who have experienced it are usually more able to accept exactly where someone is in their loss and their feelings. 

You are right not to want to hide your emotions though.  Mourning our loss is a very important part of reintegrating with our lost love.  It takes time to be able to feel the love for and of the person we lost because the pain is just too great, it masks the love.  Mourning helps the movement of the pain to the side for moments at a time, to allow the beauty of the love.

You can always come here, and be sad here.  And maybe some day your sadness and your experience with your brother will help someone else at a vulnerable time.

<3