I lost my darling Cooper and I am so sad, mad and scared

[Huntwc]

I lost my precious sweet Cooper on Monday Dec 7, 2020.  He died of a very aggressive form of adrenal cancer.  I noticed a small lump on his shoulder in October.  It was still there in Nov so my vet wanted it removed.  Pre-op labs revealed very low platelets.  This led to an ultrasound which showed inoperable metastasized Pheochromocytoma .  It was simply too late and we were shocked and devastated beyond words.  He never acted sick until about 5 days before we had to let him go. I will never heal from not catching it in time.  I’d have moved mountains for him.  Cancer is an evil stealth enemy.  It silently ravaged his perfect sweet body without me, his mom, the person he trusted the most in this world, noticing he was anything other than his exceptional, happy, loving self.

No words will ever be adequate to capture how truly magical he absolutely was.  I only know that he gave me and our family the most beautiful 8 yrs, 10 months and 21 days of our lives. He was the very definition of the most unselfish, pure love that I’ve had the privilege of receiving. My heart just couldn’t ever contain how much love and joy I experienced from being with him.  As I say above, I will never comprehend why such beauty, inside and out, was taken far too soon. I would have done ANYTHING for him and the fact that I was never given the chance to save him before cancer invaded his perfect body absolutely destroys me.

 My “dogs” are my children and my bond with them is that intense.  For those who have loved and lost several fur babies you will know that my Cooper Scott was THAT ONE, the one that simply steals your heart away completely from the moment you met and that intense love just grew and grew.

As if losing him wasn’t enough, my other love bug, my other Westie son, Brodie, only age 5, had a small lump removed and one week after I lost Cooper it came back as a mast cell tumor.  The prognosis so far is good but I have had a complete breakdown as a result.  It’s just too cruel to believe.  I can only conclude that I’m just not meant to experience love or happiness.

My grief, anger and fear are destroying me.  My kids are grown, I am married to a wonderful man but we do not connect on an emotional level.  They have all basically moved on from losing Cooper while I am so grief stricken I can hardly function.   I suffer from chronic depression and extreme self loathing.  Cooper was my rock, my therapist and my reason for living. Brodie and I are helping each other grieve but now I fear losing him as well.  I know for sure if I do I will not survive it. I barely sleep, or eat, all I do is cry for Cooper and all that we lost because he was taken from me.

I truly think this all is going to kill me and I truly do not care.  This world is so cruel and unloving I don’t want to be in it anymore.  Losing Cooper has destroyed me.  

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I am so so sorry...I lost my soulmate in a dog, Arlie, 8/16/19...I found out he had inoperable cancer 6/7/20, his liver shut down.  I provided hospice care for him and got 2 months, ten days with him...this following going to the vet to have his teeth cleaned.  Instead of a routine teeth cleaning, we got a death sentence.  My beautiful sweet boy, who never deserved this.  I'd hoped for 14 years and he only lived 11 1/2. He smiled clear up until the end, but somedays it was harder than others.  It was definitely time to end his suffering.

I am so sorry your Brodie also is going through cancer, I despise cancer with every fiber of my being.  I will keep you and your Brodie in my prayers.

I don't think there is any "getting over" this, only learning to adjust to the many changes it means for our lives, and that is truly hard  and takes much time.  I grieve him still.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

I hope this brings you some comfort...

 

[Gary55]

I'm so sorry to read this. Nothing prepares us for this. He was obviously so special, our pets are there for us when others aren't. Grief is very personal, I lost my lovely boy Goldie 2 weeks ago from kidney failure. He had had kidney problems for 3 years, which finally caught up with him. He was active right up till 2 days before. He was I'd say my soul dog. I've cried every day since. I've found writing thing down helps, either on here or on a journal. I'm seeing there is no easy road out, but a lengthy day to day process of adjustment. I don't know how I feel or if I'll adjust. Thinking of you at this time. 

[AJWCat]

I am so so sorry for your lost of sweet Cooper. I know how absolutely horrible life feels right now. I was there. I was too was terrified of how desperate and despondent I felt.

The cat I had for 10 years (passed 3 years ago) destroyed me as well. He was like my child, I have no kids.

I knew he would not live forever. We all get that logically. But nothing prepares you for their death and absence. Nothing. I hope you come back here to vent and let it out. You need people who get it and we do. 

 

[KayC]

I found it therapeutic to write out memories/stories of them, to immortalize them iin a way.  Their lives have meaning and they will never cease to exist in our hearts.

 

 

[Wootles567]

Huntwc,

I am so sorry for your loss. What a dear little chap your Cooper was. Such bright eyes and luxurious white coat.

It is four days since my daughter and I had to put down our precious spoodle, Spooey. Perhaps I know a little of your pain. It was very sudden; I had taken him into the vets because he was constipated, and found out within 5 mins that he had an inoperable tumour. In order not to prolong suffering, we put him down within 12 hours (pain meds were given until my daughter and Spooey’s owner could drive to us to be there for him). I have not yet processed this and am still in shock. 

I know what you mean about Cooper being your rock. Spooey was my rock in life, as precious as either of my children. And my heart goes out to you in feeling disconnected from your loved ones who seem to have moved on while your grief is all-consuming. You must feel so terribly alone.

But please don’t give up. Your little Cooper would want you to take heart, have courage, know that the world has kindness in it, and people who get your suffering. And your Brodie still needs your love.

All my love to you and Brodie. Take comfort in snuggles and love from each other.

Xxx