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Here's another cliche/phrase I hate


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For me the grieving is more from the emptiness and loneliness of not having my wife with me anymore. I do have the guilt grieving but it's not as strong. That I should have done more to help with her getting diagnosed earlier, that I should have taken her back pain more seriously, etc. Also that I should have spent more time with her, done more things with her. She used to tell me that she wanted to do things now that she could because later on , she might not be able to do anything. She was right. Travelling was the main thing she wanted to do more of, but with me worried about work, it was rare that we travelled abroad. I don't think that there really should be successive stages to grieving. Everyone more or less has the same feelings when losing their partner, but everyone deals with those feelings in their own ways. All I know is that this grief is more than I can bare at times, so it's not easy. For any of us.

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On 1/14/2021 at 12:28 PM, RainyPNW said:

Widower2, I just read your webpage. Everything you said is so true, especially the “THE INFAMOUS "FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF". Thank you so much for putting this together. 

 

On 1/14/2021 at 12:57 PM, Elsa said:

I was asked a couple of days ago by one of my closest friends « so, the 5 stages, which one are you at? »... They don’t understand how insensitive and cruel this feels - I know they don’t mean to be horrible just inquisitive but yes @widower2 reading your website I agree so much with it... my number one overriding emotion is guilt, none of those others. That guilt is what comes rushing back anytime I catch a wave of grief. Things should have, could have been different for him and I could have made a difference if I had paid more attention.

You're both very welcome and thank you for the shout out, it is VERY appreciated. I put that together but never really know who has or hasn't seen it and if it's really helped anyone, so it's nice to know in at least a few cases it has. :) Of course at the time I felt like "ooooh I have all these great insights," foolishly not realizing most if not all of what I said has been said before in one way or another, lol. But it was cathartic for me to make it. I know my beloved very much lived by helping others, so I think she would like it too and be glad to know it helped someone.

 

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4 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

And it’s striking how different our grief is about my dad. I don’t have guilt about my dad, just profound love and sorrow. Her grief is mostly guilt and bouts of depression.

This is so true, and thank you because it reminds me that I should think of how my son is going through the grief for losing his mom, while I am focusing on my own grief. Though he is a young adult, I am his father and the shoulder for him to lean on. I need to be strong, especially in front of my son. Maybe that could be a motivation to help us going to through this a bit easier, if any.

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https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked
The Five Stages of Grief debunked

For those who find comfort in the "5 stages" great.  But for those struggling with it, please understand she wrote it to the dying NOT as a GRIEF handbook!

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foreverhis
12 hours ago, RainyPNW said:

This is so true, and thank you because it reminds me that I should think of how my son is going through the grief for losing his mom, while I am focusing on my own grief. Though he is a young adult, I am his father and the shoulder for him to lean on. I need to be strong, especially in front of my son. Maybe that could be a motivation to help us going to through this a bit easier, if any.

I'm going to be just a little contrary here.

Absolutely it's important for you to be there for your son.  But because he is a young adult, I believe it is equally important for him to be there for you, for the two of you to support, comfort, and care for each other.  It can only be good for him to see that his dad needs him too.  As a young adult, he is still learning about the hard parts of life.  It's possible that you showing just how much you need him will allow him to reach out help you.  And feeling like he is helping his dad may be a good thing for him right now.

While there's nothing wrong with being strong in front of your son, I urge you to let him see your pain and grief as well.  It's so important for him to understand that it's okay for a man to fall apart sometimes, to cry even.  He must know deep down how much you are hurting.  Please let him see that part of your grief too.  My concern is that if he only sees you "putting on the brave face," he will think that is how he must act as well.  If you only show the "I am strong" part, he might have a harder time reaching out to help you.

Of course losing your beloved wife and him losing his mom are not the same.  But you have lost the same woman and that's a starting point for you to share.

As always, that's just my opinion.  Every family, every person, is different.

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RainyPNW
13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

My concern is that if he only sees you "putting on the brave face," he will think that is how he must act as well.  If you only show the "I am strong" part, he might have a harder time reaching out to help you.

That is true. Thanks for your thoughts from a different perspective. Actually in the first week I was crying so hard every day and he was the one comforting me, arranging services, doing housework and making meals. I was so devastating and didn’t think about his grief... I think you are right that we should express our true emotions and support each other, instead of hiding our pain.

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foreverhis
13 hours ago, widower2 said:

Beat me to it. Well said. 

Thank you.  And thank you to Kay too.  I honestly hate that men are taught to always be stoic.  They can be strong, manly, protectors, and providers and still be sensitive enough to show when they are hurting and need help.  My John was that way sometimes.  Though he didn't cry often, when he did he never felt shame or that it was unmanly. 

When our beloved Keeshond Charlie, our "soulmate in a dog," died at 15, we were at the vet's office while she tried to save him.  He had an embolism and there was little to be done. John had carried him in and I could see the terror in his eyes.  We were in the operating theater with him with me calming him, holding the oxygen mask, and stroking his ears.  But my strong man was pacing back and forth crying.  Afterward, he comforted me and the cat, who mourned for at least 3 months.  Years later when our sweet tabby Penny, a daddy's girl from day one, died in his arms, he simply sat there holding her with tearing streaming.  We had made the unbearable choice to take her in the next day for the vet to take her out of her pain (cancer that hadn't responded to treatment).  It was almost as if she knew he wouldn't be able to handle it and chose to leave us quietly with his love surrounding her.  In my eyes, that made him more of a man, not less.

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Roxeanne

That for sure forever!! A strong tender man...as my Giorgio... He was so tender and sweet with animals and people...with special attention for the weakest! Truly the world is more dark without their light...

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