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Will it get easier?


Callybeech

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Firstly, I apologise for the length of this post. Yesterday our cat (Zeus) was put to sleep & I’m struggling to cope with it. 

 

He had a lot of health issues including cat flu & a tumour the size of a grapefruit. 

 

He threw up on the Tuesday & remained in a corner for the rest of the day, not eating and his back legs going whenever he tried to walk. To our surprise, when we woke up the next day, he’d made his way upstairs. 

 

He got worse with his eyes gluing shut with discharge. He’d stopped eating, drinking, meowing, purring & using his litter tray. On Wednesday we came home & gave him an eye bath, he put up no fight which wasn’t like him. He also wolfed some tuna down which we were happy with as he’d had some liquid. We put him on the bed & he slept all night with us despite our fidgeting. 

 

We booked him into the vets for last night & they said he needed putting down. This came as a complete shock. With having so many health issues, we’ve been to the vets many times before and usually get ‘he’s not well but he just keeps going, it’s a miracle’. We had to hold him, stroke him & talk to him until he passed. It didn’t take long & happened within seconds. We’ve been working from home but actually went into the office wed & out after and in work thurs & straight to the vets after. I feel extremely guilty that knowing he wasn’t well, I went to work and left him. I should of cherished those final moments with him. 

 

He was a foster cat and not technically ours but we had him for 6yrs. It was such a journey to see his behaviour change from being a bitey & aggressive cat to becoming a needy and obsessive lap cat who was SO loving. He’d want to sit with us constantly and loved a cuddle. 

 

I’ve such mixed emotions, like when I’m at work I can hold it together but after work I’m just a mess. I miss him so much even though I know he’s not in pain anymore. The silence is deafening and it’s hard at times when I knew things would be happening like his 5pm call for his tea. He was such a character and loved by all my friend and I’m devastated. My husbands equally as devastated but I’m worried he’s going to get over it quicker than me and then bed fed up of me. I’m worried that I’m off work next week and having that free time may make things harder to deal with. I’m also scared that with a history of depression (not anymore) that this is going to trigger it and I won’t get over it. I feel emotionally drained. Does it get easier?  

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I am so sorry for your loss and all you are going through.  "Easier" is a relative term, means different things to different people but assuming it means improvement, yes to a degree, we adjust to even the unthinkable, but going on, having meaning/purpose, that's something "continual" that we have to work at.  I no longer cry every day but my heart still carries my grief inside of me, it weighs in me.  I will always love my Arlie and miss him, no one will ever replace him, it's not possible.  I look forward to the day I can be with him again, and only then will I feel whole.  I had to learn to adjust to the loss of my husband 15 1/2 years ago, way too young, suddenly/unexpectedly, he was barely 51, and now I lost my "family" Miss Mocha (cat), Arlie (dog), and Kitty (25 year old cat).  My son brought me a puppy a year ago, it's a whole new love, one never replaces another, instead you mourn what's gone and love what you discover that's new.  I lost my Arlie 8/16/19 to cancer.  We fought the good fight.

 

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I am so sorry for your loss. As sick as Zeus was you definitely did the right thing - although I know that's of little comfort. You can still be heartbroken even though you saved him from further suffering. 

I do promise you will find peace with this, it just takes time. Most of us here find the grief comes in waves. And it's unpredictable as to what might set you off. You try to be patient and understand this loss and living w/ his absence is a process. My husband seemed to do a little better faster than me too. Although everyone deals with it differently. I wanted to talk about our cat and his death and my husband didn't want to and wanted to be distracted. But he was still horribly sad. So the silence doesn't mean what you might think. Yes you may have to cry alone a bit. No need to apologize to him (in my opinion) if your husband seems frustrated just ask for his patience.  

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