i have so many feelings and don’t know what to do with them

[sydgun]

my brother died seven months ago. seven months seems like too long. i wish it was one month ago, or one day ago. i keep getting farther away from him and i just want it to stop. he’s 11 years older than me. i’m 16 now, was 15 when he died. on may 21, he overdosed and couldn’t be saved by paramedics. i can only remember him being addicted to drugs, for all of my childhood. i wish that wasn’t what i remember most. he also had schizophrenia. we weren’t close. he didn’t live at home and when we did, it was constant war. i have so many mixed emotions because i was such a shitty sister to him. i harbored so much resentment about the constant tornado of chaos he created, and i made sure he knew it. at the same time, he created some pretty traumatic situations for me as a child. i despise myself so much for how i talked to him and how angry i was at him. i have so much regret. i feel like i don’t have the right to grieve because of this but at the same time i feel like i’m not grieving enough. i feel like i should go on by just being numb and cruel but at the same time i feel like i should be absolutely destroyed by his death. there’s so many missed opportunities now that he’s dead. we have no more chances to be better to each other. my big brother is never going to see me graduate or see me go to college. no matter what, i know he was so extremely proud of me. that’s why i’m so devastated he’ll miss that. i just wish he knew how proud i was of him. his schizophrenia became much more manageable for him over the past few years. he mostly stayed clean after getting out of jail six months before he died. i love you steven. i’m so sorry. 

[reader]

Dear Sydgun,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know everything you are feeling and thinking is a normal part of grief. We all question our actions and words and wish so much for things to be different. 

I didn't know your brother but I think he would understand know how much you loved him. 

Thinking of you.