I feel lost and sad

[Benfoo]

I lost my best friend a year ago July. She died 2 weeks after her birthday. We were friends our whole adult lives. We were extremely close and were there through the good and the bad in our lives. We trusted each other implicitly. 

My birthday is this Friday and since TG I've been dreading the holidays. My birthday is the worst because I always got a card and a call. Then x-mas is next week. I'm in pain every day  I think about her all the time. This last month I've felt so sad and emotional. I'm crying more and noticed I don't really want to eat. 

I'm a very private, alone person. She was my only friend.  I don't have anyone else and it's a horrible feeling. People have always let me down except for her. 

Sorry to go on but I'm just so lost, and feel like crap. I wish we didn't have the holidays or wish we could skip over it all. There's nothing to be happy about. 

[BEQUET93]

Hi, Benfoo. You have no need to apologize. You lost a dear friend who sounds like she was essentially a sister to you. Expressing feelings can give some relief, even if it doesn't seem like much relief. What you said about your birthday makes sense. You associate your friend with your birthday.

I have a coworker who lost a son in 2019 and she has been talking to me about how she deals with her grief. Last year, she didn't observe Christmas at all. It was her first without her son and she didn't feel like it, which is okay. This year, she still isn't really feeling the holidays, but she has a small tree with his picture beside it. She told me that we no longer physically have some of the people who were in our lives, but we do have memories of the good times and the love is still there. It will always be there. You lost a dear friend and that isn't something one easily moves past, but the love is still there. She wouldn't want you to be so unhappy. Whenever you feel alone and overwhelmed, come here to share. I've been making use of this resource for more than a month and it has helped. Everyone here has experienced a profound loss of some form and can form some idea of what you are feeling. I wish you the best.

[Benfoo]

7 hours ago, BEQUET93 said:

Hi, Benfoo. You have no need to apologize. You lost a dear friend who sounds like she was essentially a sister to you. Expressing feelings can give some relief, even if it doesn't seem like much relief. What you said about your birthday makes sense. You associate your friend with your birthday.

I have a coworker who lost a son in 2019 and she has been talking to me about how she deals with her grief. Last year, she didn't observe Christmas at all. It was her first without her son and she didn't feel like it, which is okay. This year, she still isn't really feeling the holidays, but she has a small tree with his picture beside it. She told me that we no longer physically have some of the people who were in our lives, but we do have memories of the good times and the love is still there. It will always be there. You lost a dear friend and that isn't something one easily moves past, but the love is still there. She wouldn't want you to be so unhappy. Whenever you feel alone and overwhelmed, come here to share. I've been making use of this resource for more than a month and it has helped. Everyone here has experienced a profound loss of some form and can form some idea of what you are feeling. I wish you the best.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your thoughts. I know it takes time to start feeling better. I think what really bothers me is that I always thought about retirement. We would both be free to enjoy those years together. Have fun visiting or vacationing somewhere. Now I look forward and it's a big blank. 

[Zee24]

I think letting go of images we had conceived, plans about the future or just ideas, thats the hardest of all. Its like we have been racing towards an imaginary destination which is no longer there so everything uptill that point has been made fruitless and pointless. That hurts most of all. It feels like we have lost. Thinking of you benfoo and so sorry for your loss.