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Devastated, Goldie is gone


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Wootles567

Hi @garry (I don’t think the @ sign worked. Bollocks!). I would love to see a pic of your beautiful Goldie. Only if it’s not too painful.

When my daughter died, I remember waking up the day after and thinking “oh thank god, it was all just a horrible nightmare”.. and then the horrible crushing weight of reality came flooding in. I feel like I am back in that haze.. but I am determined to be grateful. Grateful for the lessons in love I got from my daughter, and my Spooey. The truest love possible. With our babies (furry and otherwise), we know for sure that their love is beyond question, as ours is for them. We were all so, so incredibly lucky to experience true love because it is so rare. Spooey made me a nicer, better person. They make it easier to let go of perceived slights by curling up on your lap, pawing you gently and suggesting that it is time for a treat. 

I’m worried that without Spooey, I may forget completely how to have hope and appreciate the sun on my face, the ridiculousness of a wet spoodle after a bath who is so deliriously happy to be clean that he runs straight outside to roll in the dirt. Why do they do that?? Did Goldie do that? Spooey would run to every room in the house and shake vigorously after a bath, soaking the furniture in water (spoodle-water!), then rub his fluffy face on the carpet with his bum in the air, wagging his tail and laughing slack-jawed. He looked utterly absurd, and I’m sure he did it to make me laugh. He had a wonderful sense of humour.

please don’t beat yourself up with negative thoughts about what-ifs. I totally, totally know the impulse. But truly, it is clear that you loved your Goldie beyond measure. And she would have loved every minute walking with her dad, sniffing up the smells of the neighbourhood and knowing that she was getting you out and about. As you say, life throws curve-balls, and we can only react. You have done nothing wrong. From the outside it honestly sounds like you played as perfect a game as humanly possible with your Goldie. 

I became sort of agnostic after my daughter died, although I admit, I do vacillate on that. I have read Dawkins, and some analytical philosophers like Bertrand Russell and Wittgenstein. But like you, I am quietly confident that there is something else, and that a soul does not dissipate. The metaphysical seems to be something that cannot be understood through propositional logic, but through intuitive knowledge and emotion. So You keep your eyes out for that sign, Garry x Because anyone who has known the love of a pet knows how desperate they are to cheer us up and save us from our self-doubt when there is much better things to do, like eat treats or play ball (what was Goldie’s equivalent? Did she have a favourite game or special routine?) I really hope that the good times with Goldie are the things that you can think about, because I bet there is no shortage of those memories. Although, in some ways, the joyful memories are even more painful, aren’t they.. 

I hope your wife is kind and gives you lots of support. It’s good you tried some counselling sessions. I hope they were helpful and gave you some good tips for getting your mind off things?

I know what you mean about not checking the news or listening to music. Not only are such things uninteresting, I just don’t want to know that the world has moved on. It’s been rainyish and grey down here, which suits me just fine. I don’t want the sun to come out and shine pleasantly as if the world is just a lovely place. You don’t have to go out and about just yet if you don’t want to.  But do try to eat more than a pot-noodle (I’m one to talk, I’ve only eaten a bag of chips and about 5 Nescafé coffee sachets each day).

Love,

L

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Gary55

Hi thanks for your lovely words. Don't put a space after the@ try that. Things like what you say about being able to have time and share love is right I need to focus on that, although it's hard just now. I've read a lot and I think animals will come into our lives to help us in our lives and journey, they are pure and live for just now. They don't have human hang ups although they do have different personalities. I'm sure Goldie was my soul dog he was here to teach me. I do think he's with me, but a part of me believes he's gone. I need to focus on him being here. I've always liked the idea of spiritual stuff crystals etc. I've always had crystals. I believe there is something else. I think animals are higher than us spiritually, and we I've read more than half don't reincarmate because they have less to learn. Unless they chose to come back to us for a reason. Earth may just be a training ground, it's why we are here. Anyway some heady stuff which I don't know a lot about. Goldie was a walker and a sniffer. He didn't like baths or water, but loved the rain, in fact any weather. Nothing stopped him going out. He was a character, he loved chasing dogs, sniffing and walking. Not one for balls. He was funny, every day was an adventure. I'd always say adventures with Goldie. There was always something but nothing bad. Spooey sounds a real character, making you laugh and feel love for life. That's what you we miss. Spooey with his ways made you whole. Weather here is cold not sure how cold compared to others on here. Temp here at this time of year is about 0 minus 1 or minus 2,it can be a bit colder or sometimes above freezing. So I'm not going out hardly, but I would have as I always did with him. My wife is here and 2 kids are back, so he was their dog too, but in reality he was mine. They have accepted it. I've not. I am eating but not a lot. No appetite really but as you say I should have more than noodles. Can't remember if I said but I do love noodles, and they are  quick and easy.

This is not a good day, feeling pretty down. Thanks and take care 

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Wootles567

Morning (evening? It’s 7.02 here) Gary, how absolutely lovely to see pic of your dear Goldie! I had pictured him as pale yellow but he is a lovely warm chocolate brown! Looks like an affectionate and inquisitive soul. I think “adventures” is a lovely word too. Adventures with Goldie : ) I can just see him sniffing about and chasing dogs. Did he have a friend that he particularly liked to chase?

And good morning/evening Collette, hope that cough is improved, even just a little. I worried I am making things worse for both of you, triggering your pain with my own. So I’m going to try, try, try to talk about the good times, or other things as well.

Right now I am lying on the couch, watching The Crown, have you seen it? It’s just an English drama about the royal family. I like to have something on in the background, nothing really heavy. Me and Lil binge-watched Cobra Kai last night. That’s another show. Have to admit I’m not following it at all, but Lil’s obviously trying to cheer me up. And get me to eat by bringing me nice food (cannot eat - I put her off by saying I’ll eat it later. Like you Gary, I’m a pot-noodle girl!) I was sort of thinking of going vegan (don’t worry I am absolutely NOT a preachy one!). Dunno. I’ve been vegetarian for about ten years. But I still like the smell of cooking meat, and used to make Spooey’s meals as the cans sometimes have too much salt. Chicken, sweet potato, broth, vegetables and rice. Took me half a day, but they would last a month. Just so weird to think I probably won’t be doing that again. Like you say Gary, routines just go out the window completely. I used to like walking around at 6pm ish with Spooey to smell all the yummy casseroles and cooking steaks and imagine what people were having for dinner. 

What is the countryside like where you are? Somehow I picture woods where Collette is. Did Scooter and Goldie prefer to be in or outside? Bet they just loved being around you guys, wherever you were. I live in the suburbs. It’s ok, nothing flash though. As I say, doing a Masters but I will have to get an extension. I don’t think people will understand if I tell them the real reason, so I’ll make up something. I love the thought of crystals, Gary.. what kind of crystals? How do you use them? Have you tried mindfulness or meditation? I know you like reading, and if you haven’t yet, read “a dog’s life”. It will have you in tears but they will be good ones. It is very much in line with your philosophy x

Gary, I’m glad your two boys are around to share the holidays with you. It’s funny when kids are able to move on, as you say. I have a tiny disappointment but I would never let my daughter know. When we got Spooey put down, she chose to be at work. Me, Lil, my sister and dad we’re here to cuddle Spooey, hold his sweet head, kiss his fur. But Marigold chose to be at work. Although I’m not being completely fair, maybe she just couldn’t face it. 

Aaaaanyway, this has been a rambly post. I wanted to check in and see how you both are, and let you know I am thinking of you. And I would really love to hear more stories about Goldie and Scooter, or anything you care to tell me.

Love,

L

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KayC

Gary, keep your eyes peeled and your heart open then.  I had looked at rescues, tried adopting a couple of times, it didn't pan out, I got bit six times and never had before!  I got lied to by rescues or no response at all!  I'd all but given up.  I figured I wouldn't have another dog after Arlie.  And then one night my son called...the rest is history.  I believe Arlie had a hand in this, that Kodie was conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday?!  That to me is amazing!

On 1/2/2021 at 9:45 AM, Collettesweetbear said:

I spoke with mom and she was very apologetic and said she will only say kind things about Scooter.

I am so glad!  I suppose she just didn't think, never meant to hurt you, but I don't know what goes through people's heads sometimes!  Maybe they think if they say something bad it will lessen your esteem of him and thus hurt less?  Who knows!  We know it doesn't work like that!  We are mama bears coming to defend our cubs!

I wish your Covid would leave!  I despise that insidious disease as bad as cancer.

On 1/2/2021 at 1:35 PM, Wootles567 said:

Aiki is struggling too.

Here is an article that might help...forgive me if I already gave it to you...my memory...
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/06/pet-loss-supporting-your-grieving-pet.html

On 1/2/2021 at 1:35 PM, Wootles567 said:

I have been making a list of my memories of Spooey because I am terrified of forgetting.

That is what I did of Arlie too, and then I wrote the stories about him listed here.  It was important to me to immortalize him that way, I never wanted him forgotten!  He was so special.  I know we all feel that way.  and we're all right.

I think your arranging play dates for Aiki is great, I do that for Kodie too, he's always the smallest by far but gets along great with all dogs except I have to protect him from unsocialized vicious ones.

I remember cleaning under the couch quite a while later and finding his fur and I broke down.  I think pretty much anything we experience in this grief can be considered normal in grief.  Our old normal is gone.  Grief does not leave us where it found us, it changes us as well as our lives.  Our routines are broken, our joy removed.  It's amazing to me that we can continue to live.

I got grief counseling when my George died, and I've been studying grief for 15 1/2 years, my mentor is a grief counselor & friend, the owner of a grief site, Marty Tousley, I love her dearly!  Her specialty is loss of pets, she lost her two very special dogs years ago.  I have learned more from her than anyone, her, all the post-ers and friends I've made over the years on grief forums (mainly hers and this one).  Many of the articles I've collected over the years she wrote.  I also like whatsyourgrief.com.  I started a grief support group in my town and it was my passion, but Covid hit and we had to shut down.  We will be back up and running when we can.  I stay in touch with them though.  It helps to be able to express yourself to those who have been through it and "get it."

16 hours ago, Wootles567 said:

still not sure how to tag people here

You type @ and then their username right after it and their username pops up and you click on it.  To quote someone you can do it in its entirety at the bottom of their post is a quote and you click on that.  Or you can select a part of their post and then post pops up and you click on that.  Then just type after it inserts into your post.

 

 

 

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Wootles567

@Kay C it worked! now i can tag people. It is lovely to meet you. And I'm very sorry to hear about your darling Arlie. But so glad you got Kodie. It was clearly 'meant to be', your happening upon him. it doesn't take the grief away, but it does help to have a furry friend around when your heart is breaking. Aiki is all that is getting me through right now, and you guys x

PS my daughter kindly washed my sheets and dressing gown. It was an act of kindness, but now Spooey's smell is gone from them. I feel like I am losing him piece by piece.. 

Love to you all xxxx

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Wootles567

PPS and I’ve started smoking again, which is f’ing dumb, dumb, dumb. Really peed off at myself about that

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AJWCat

Replying to a couple comments. 

I guess what I've learned over these 3 years is, there's nothing in us that knows how to survive this. We just do. I feel like we honor the lives and love we had with them by surviving. But was I there in the first few months? Hell no.

It felt as though there was a dark veil over everything in my world all the time. Seemed it would never go away. In a way, I didn't care. Why hope for a better view without my cat in it? The thing is, it does lift but I think it's different for us all and it takes time.  

And my grief has changed. It softens. But it doesn't go away. That's what I mean by "acceptance."     

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Wootles567

Hi @Collettesweetbear, @AJWCat, @Gary55, @Kay C and @dkn, I am wanting to share something with you. It is a song I have just written, with the help of your darlings. It is called "Adventures with Goldie, and other Furry Friends". I have not touched my violin since Spooey left, but in talking to each of you, I have felt your beautiful Scooter, Goldie, Arlie, and Daisy (I'm so sorry AJWCat, I'm not sure of the name of your furry love) milling around me, and I found myself at the piano. Purring felines seemed to rub themselves on my leg, rolling over on their backs to play, and jump up to perch on the piano. Lovely doggy kisses seemed to smother my face and wag a cheery tail, sniffing me expectantly. 

Collette, I particularly hope that this lullaby can give you some peaceful rest, I think Scooter would like that. And Gary, I really hope that you might listen to this on headphones as you go for a stroll, if you feel like it. Goldie will be with you in this song. 

I have put some waterfall sounds in, so they can dabble and play in a forest while they wait.

I really hope you all don't mind. I am by nature something of a skeptic, but I honestly just felt them milling around me, breathing in my ear and nudging me. And could feel their love for all of you, and desire that you have some peace.

For some reason I can't seem to attach the file here, but if you send me an email, I could send you the song. My email is losborne808@gmail.com

Love to you all

Elle xxx

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Gary55

Kay, yes I will wait and see about another furry friend. I always said no never. I think Arlie did have a hand in what happened, coincidence, well I don't believe in coincidence, looks like that was meant to be. I'm sure things happen for a reason. I'm not going looking, but say I'm out and something happens and a cat or dog appears ill take it that Goldie has had a hand in it. I can do that. I'll then feel it was meant. 

Elle, what a lovely thing to do! Thank you so much, I'll email you soon. If you feel the pets energy then they are there, they have inspired you and again maybe it's the boost you need to begin being creative again. I'll love to get it. It's strange what can happen, there's something directing you to the piano. This is so lovely. 

That's god if you can get an extension, they would have to allow that as things crop up in people's lives. I can understand that you may not mention why though. W are on the edge of the city, there are a good few different walks all around, and a golf club too. There is a favourite walk along a stream that we did so many times. Goldie wasn't into water, mostly walking and sniffing. When we went to a beach he didn't go into the water ever, but was happy going about. He had a few pals over the years, one particular one in another town we lived in. There were a couple here. Thing is I found most people don't let their dogs be dogs. Quick walk, often never off the lead, and they stop any play. Some owners are great though. Goldie was a rough and tumble boy. Not bad just playful. One story was many years ago we stayed in Newcastle in England, he was young and at the time was only on a collar. One night he saw a dog over the road, somehow jumped up and down, slipped the collar and ran over. A bus had stopped and had just started, it wasn't going fast but I could see what was going to happen in slow motion. The front of the bus hit him. I thought that's it. I was in shock, the driver got out and some passengers and a lady passing was right over. He got up and chased the dog! The vet said he was fine, nothing wrong at all. Well after that we got a harness. 

I was vegetarian for many years probably 20plus till this year. I always loved and missed certain meat, so one day I was back on it and still am. I've eaten noodles for ever. They are keeping me going just now. If you want to smoke, well maybe it's what you need just now. I've had different crystals for years I've always been attracted. I've a big rose quartz beside the bed, and an amethyst. I've bags of them, I've used over the years. Sent for some recently, a grief pack included is an apache tears, meant to help in times like this. 

Collette, AJWCat thanks for keeping in touch too, and I need to contact Keith, has he been around lately. 

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Gary55

@Wootles567hi I've received and played the song, I really love it! Don't know how to say but there's something magical, it's relaxing yet full of happiness as the pets run and play. Love a violin and piano. You've made something special for us to play and remember them by. Goldie will be with me when I walk. The water is soothing, you can picture an idyllic scene somewhere, in nature and free from stress and noise. Thanks for this, so very much appreciated. 

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KayC

Forgive me if you get more than one email from me, my gmail isn't working right this morning, had to try three different browsers!  Not loading, so hope you got it.

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Collettesweetbear

Well, I changed clothes and was walking out the door to go for a long walk (with masks of course I’m still coughing).since Scooter died. I pick up my keys and my cell phone rings. It’s my mom. She quickly told me my sister has breast cancer and she sounded devastated and hung up So, right back to the couch I went.. Life is really awful sometimes.


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Wootles567

Oh @Collettesweetbear, I am so sorry to hear this. What dreadful news. Geez, life gives us some horrible things. Is your sis in Hawaii? I hope it is operable, and that you can go and see her, if you want to. There may be hope. 

We're here for you. Keep your strength up and be gentle with yourself < 3 xxx

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Collettesweetbear

@Wootles567, thank you so much for the nice words. I guess I’m sitting here in shock and paralyzed. Your text just snapped me out of it. I called one of my other sisters (4 girls, 2 boys) and she tells me they are already finished doing the total mastectomy. I’m like what, wait?! If that’s the case you guys have known this. How come nobody told me.?she says “well, we know you’re really struggling with your depression and losing Scooter and we didn’t want to add on to it” I understand that, I told her. Ok, I’m not paralyzed as much. I have to go outside for a walk, I barely been outside since Jan 28, 2020. Except doctor appointments and that’s it.


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Wootles567

@Collettesweetbear, you're doing great to get out for a walk. I'm hoping that that also means your cough is a little better. And it's great news that your sis has had mastectomy. It means she is getting looked after. And i'm sure your family were just trying to be kind, telling you now. They must really care about you x

I think I said it before, but I so admire your strength. Even though things are so hard, you are managing to reach out, and now to go out for a walk is real progress. Keep it up, love.

the warmest of hugs, 

L < 3

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KayC

Colette, I am so sorry!  And for them to exclude you is so wrong!  Another I will add to my prayers.  :)

Wootles, your violin music is amazing!  That you can be so creative even with your loss, I hope it helps you in expressing your feelings through music.

I just got back from work, horrible as expected, soc sec won't let me in to file W2s & W3, nor will they do a pw reset or come to their phone or call me back!  I don't know what to do, it's due this month.  Can't file manually anymore but they won't let me on the website.  Another reason I want out of this so bad!

 

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Wootles567

@Kay C, That sucks, about soc sec! I can't imagine how stressful it must be for you all with COVID. What a nightmare. Just keep trying on the line, but it's maddening, I know.. 

COVID stuff has yet to touch us too much here, but last year all classes went on line. I teach a jazz course at the uni for young women (14-18), only two hours a week while studying, but last year it went online. It was really difficult to engage the girls - we couldn't really play anything together as a group, because of the time-lag on zoom, and a lot of the girls are shy, so they were hesitant to play anything to the group individually. But that is nothing compared to the massive disruptions that you and others are facing. Hope this whole mess gets better soon! And thankyou for your kind words about the song.. really glad you liked it. I feel very lucky to have been inspired by all of your dear furry ones, and to have 'met' them in that musical landscape.

@Collettesweetbear, how are you feeling now? I hope you had a pleasant walk xxx

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Collettesweetbear

Yes, thank you. I did that short one and then went back out for a longer one. It was really great to be outside. The weather is nice and sunny so that helps. So, that’s the good news. The not so good news is I had an extra bad coughing spell walking back. You know when you have a really bad spell and so, much coughing tears run down your face? Ugh, so, that kinda ruined it walking back. The Covid cough su@$! It’s really getting on my nerves, the constant coughing is madding. But, just have to live with it for a few months the doctor say’s. Not happy about it, but ok. Hope everyone is doing ok as best we can.


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Gary55

Hi everyone. Kay, I know what social sec can be like here, impossible. I hope you get things sorted. Must be so frustrating. 

Collette, sorry to hear about your sister. She will be getting the best treatment. I'm glad to hear you managed out, although spoiled by that cough. To be outside and the fact that it's warm would be good. It's icy here, I've a counsellor who wants me to go for a walk, ok I can see that but first I'm still not able to meet anyone who will ask about Goldie which will mean I'll break down in the street. And secondly its icy and I don't want to slip. OK I would have been out with him in the ice, so maybe I'm being silly as I've got grips, but if I don't have to I'm not going. Nice to hear from you all and Elle I've played the track many times now thanks. 

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Wootles567

Hi Gary,

You go at your own pace, friend. We all have to. I can see why your counsellor would encourage you to go for walks. Routines are stabilising, and exercise is important for mental health as well. Equally, I see why you would not want to venture out. For a start, Icy weather definitely makes us hesitate to go anywhere, and slipping is a reasonable concern. I hope you have a nice warm house. Canberra can get pretty cold, but it’s nowhere near what you guys have to face.

It sounds as if the bigger concern is meeting people in the streets. Is it possible to perhaps take different routes where it’s unlikely that you will happen across people you know? Or what if your wife or sons came out with you? There is nothing to never ashamed of, if you break down in public. I did it twice today, once in coles supermarket, then in a public loo. I think people generally understand. And if they don’t, they are not very nice, and not people you want to know. It’s a really difficult one.

Just be kind and gentle with yourself.It is still early days for us. But it’s really positive that you are entertaining the idea of venturing out. It will happen, I’m sure. If you feel like the time is right, you go for it. Goldie will be with you in spirit. And we’re here too ; )

Im so glad you like the song. I do too!

Night,

L

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Gary55

Well I went out around lunchtime. There was another reason because the grandchildren are along for a couple days and it was a madhouse! Not quite so cold today, ice mostly melted. Anyway I've not had a car for several years so I got the bus into town. Never met anyone. There is a lockdown here, but you can go for food etc. Had a walk around and got some stuff from a supermarket. Not al9that many people about. You're right exercise is good. Strange all the miles I used to do everyday, now nothing at all. I've been lucky that I'm generally fit for my age, so I will need to watch. Goldie will be surprised at me sitting around all day, it's just not me. You say you broke down a couple times,  I was near at one point. Glad I never met anyone. Take care every one

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KayC
16 hours ago, Wootles567 said:

Just keep trying on the line

Called them at 4 am and they answered the phone but still can't get in.  She told me to have my assistant register & do it.  Still need to file OR's W-2s & W3 afterwards, hate that as well as sometimes the website doesn't work.  And I think I have one more federal form to file.  Blood sugar up 22 pts from stress. :angry:

12 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

The weather is nice and sunny so that helps

Ahh, that is so nice!  It's freezing here and has been pouring rain day after day (Pacific Northwest).  Want to finish the church tax stuff Saturday (have to work around the secretary's hours) but they predict snow so may have to wait until Monday.  The sooner the better!  

I'm so sorry the cough is not abating but glad you got out for a bit!  II think it helps clear our minds a bit to get outside in nature or see daylight.  Kodie was needy last night after me being gone three days in a row.  Poor Arlie had to suffer with me being gone five days a week commuting to work.  He was so good, I miss him so much.  

Electric company finally coming at 9 am to hook up my generlink for my generator.  Will be glad when that's done.  I can't even lift the cable, it's so heavy!  60 ft. and thick.

Wootles, didn't you say you're in Australia?  Glad you're not affected so much with COVID.  We have the highest amount here, but we're also a pretty big country.  Wish they'd cut off people in/out at the beginning and TOLD us all about it when it first hit instead of waiting 2 1/2 months!  They took action much too late, so many in denial until it happens to them.  Biden says he's going to mandate masks at a federal level, maybe that will help, we'll see.  They're slow rolling out the vaccines.  They're saying my category won't start until mid Feb.  You watch, it'll be Spring before I can get it.  IF I can get it, I have an epipen for my allergies so they're saying no to people with allergies, but I doubt if there's bee venom in it!

I was telling my pastor's wife last night about the song, such a blessing, so was Collete to me, the people here are amazing, with all they're going through, thinking of others.  More needed than ever during COVID times!  I just wish Collette had something good, it's been a tough time.

I imagine it's cold in Scotland too, so is it here.  I wouldn't have gone out this morning if not for Kodie.  Had to put rock salt on my 40' ramp, took a lot!  I don't usually but the neighbor is coming when the elec. guy is here to help with the setup.

 

 

 

10 minutes ago, Gary55 said:

You say you broke down a couple times,  I was near at one point.

I've broken down many times but it's mostly all inside now.  I think I'd feel better to let it out.  But instead I carry it like a sadness/weight inside of me, same as with my husband.

Your lockdown sounds like ours.  We're in "extreme" category here.

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Collettesweetbear

Oh, KayC glad the electric company is coming. Thank goodness. I hope you can get all the tax situation behind you. You have so much on your plate, they need to be more helpful. Sounds like Kodie is missing you. He is happy you’re with him. Plenty snuggle time with Kodie. He sounds like a sweet doggie. Yeah, the coughing, ugh. I’ve been drinking warm water which seems to help. This morning I drank hot water. Like a cup of tea but, just hot water. That really helps and I’m not sure why but, I’ll keep doing it. I guess I better try to go for a walk today. I’m telling myself not to let the coughing hold me back. KayC you mentioned an epipen, so you are very allergic to bees? My sister is allergic to bees. She got a bee sting on her foot when we were young, and I still remember how swollen and red her foot was. I believe she stepped on a bee. I hope you can get your vaccine as soon as possible. I have bad allergies too. But, not epipen bad. I hope we can all get it soon. Hmm, since I have had Covid I wonder if I could get it again this soon? If they offer, I will for sure take it. Don’t want to have the Covid again. I just pooled up my eyes when you said, how you hold it in on the inside gosh that hurts, I’m so sorry KayC. I wish we didn’t have this and we could all be together happy with our soulmates. I know we will one day but, I wish I had Scooter right now. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.


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Wootles567
3 hours ago, KayC said:

be

Gary, well done, mate!!! Goldie would have a big old happy WOOF! Seeing you get outside : ) and you get to escape the grandkids, haha. How long are they staying for? I’m glad you didn’t have to see anyone. I’ve been taking Aiki out every day, she needs it as she is still just a kid. One y/o border-collie. She is sort of adjusting I guess. I know what you mean too, about how a lot of owners don’t let their dogs off the lead to just play, when they take them for walks. I always let Aiks and Spooey off the lead when we get to the oval and Spooey was always pretty good, but Aiki still has some anxiety about other dogs, and she would give them a bit of a warning woof, although she would never attack of course. Strangely she seems to be getting a little more socialised, since Spooey has gone. I do think she is lonely. She is nudging me right now, burrowing her little snout under my arm as I write. I’ll take her out in a min.

Gosh the lockdown and COVID sounds really dreadful for you all. Kay, you are so right - they absolutely should of bloody told you guys FAR sooner than they did, about this horrible new disease. The mismanagement and incompetence in how this whole thing has been handled is appalling. My goodness, you were on the ph at 4am?? I am so sorry to hear how disruptive this is for you, and that your blood-sugar is up. Does that mean you have diabetes? You must take care of yourself. Good food and exercise, rest and water. And plenty of snuggles with Kodie. Do you have a pic of Kodie that you might post here? I’d love to see him. I really hope they allow you to have the vaccine, fingers crossed. But you keep yourself safe till then. Did you end up getting the forms lodged? And how did it go with the electricity guy? Gosh it sounds like it is very cold where you are, so very important to have the generator.

Collette, it’s so so great you’re going for walks, it’s good to feel the sun on your face and see the sights. But don’t over-exert yourself. I’m so sorry you have these terrible coughing fits, how draining! I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you, with the hot-water teas. Keep doing that. I think I asked, but does your son live close by? Hope you can get the vaccine, too! Hang in ther, lovely x

Today, I woke up for the first time without feeling extreme dread and even slightly hungry. Haven’t eaten a proper meal since a week ago (day seven today) but I am sipping some tea and eating biscuits as I write. Spooey is still constantly on my mind and my sadness is still there. I went over to visit my boyfriend’s neighbor yesterday, who has two dear kavoodles. One looks a little bit like Spooey. Lach’s neighbour, Shankar, is a lovely little Indian chap who lives alone and we don’t see him much. When he answered the door, Simi and Yogi (the dogs) could NOT get to me FAST enough, COVERING me with kisses and I just broke down. Shankar was kind and made me a spicy cup of Indian tea which is good for the nerves. He let me give Simi and Yogi dinner (mince, some egg, pashes pumpkin, and BLUEBERRIES???) Well the pups loved it. Shankar believes that animal souls come to teach us, and they know when it is there time to move on. Spooey taught me a great many things. He was kind and patient and always wanting to help. I hope I can be as good as that.

it was nice seeing Yogi and Simi but not the same as Spooey. I miss him so f’n much. Sorry for swearing! 

Ps - “wootles” is my pet-name for doggy-poop! Haha. As in, “oh, Spooey, don’t do a wootle on the neighbors lawn!” Or “better take a wootle-bag when we go for a spoodle-walk”. Haha.

Im really enjoying getting to know you all, you guys have helped me so much in getting through this. And Aiki. 

Love to you all, and hoping your day brought something good.

love,

Elle xxxx

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Wootles567

Sorry, still not sure how to quote people directly on here. Kay, you said: “I've broken down many times but it's mostly all inside now.  I think I'd feel better to let it out.  But instead I carry it like a sadness/weight inside of me, same as with my husband.”

Love, if you want to let it out, you let it out. What you’ve been through is MASSIVE. Your Arlie and your husband. Our grief is a testament to our love. Do you have children and friends who are supportive? I’m glad you’ve got the church. When my daughter Daisy died, I found a church. The people there were so kind, and the women were amazingly strong and compassionate. Although I ended up leaving, I will remember the kindness of those people til my dying day. those women got me through. Faith is a beautiful, wonderful thing. You will see your Arlie and your husband again. We all will. But the waiting is so terribly hard.

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Collettesweetbear

KayC I am with Wootles567 on this. I know we will carry the sad/weight inside the rest of your life, me too. But, sometimes when it builds up please just let it out. Even if you have to sob and sob. My therapist told me...(now stay with me on this guys, I know sounds weird) She told me that crying is sorta like peeing. The more you build up and up then you just have to let the pee go for relief. As with grief crying, it builds up and up and the only way to get some relief is to cry and cry long as you want. Now the pee will build up again and again and the cry will build up again and again. So, we need to cry when it comes. I’m sure you have done loads and loads of crying when your hubby died and then Arlie. Surprised we have any tears left. Sometimes I try to hold it in because I’m scared one day I won’t be able to stop. I just had to re-read your post again about carrying the sad/weight inside. Well, I guess I’ve been holding it in...but, when I read that, it hurt my heart for you so much. Carrying all that inside of your hubby and Arlie. Just pretend I’m giving you a big hug and saying “God will take care of them KayC, until we get there.” You are so brave helping and supporting not just pet loss but, all kinds too.
I did know you were supporting others to an extent, but today I found you are supporting and helping lots and lots behind the scenes. You really are an angel. Looks like God wants you to help the wounded and the suffering. You’re an inspiration and you really care about people so much.


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Collettesweetbear

Wootles567 that made me laugh. So, that’s your nickname? Lol Mine is Bear. When I was a little kid I always had this teddy bear with me. My mom said I would cry when she had to wash it. So, my younger sister couldn’t say my name but, there I am with this teddy bear everywhere. So, she said “Bear” we are grown adults and she still calls me bear. Never by my name.


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Wootles567

Oh Collette, that's cute! "bear" : D. How are you feeling today? Hope your cough is a little better? Any return of your sense of smell and taste? Hope so xxx

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Collettesweetbear

Well, I do seem to have the kettle going on and on. Sometimes I have tea and sometimes just the hot water. It really seems to be helping. I really think I can taste a little. But, I think I can smell a little bit too. A guy walked by me smoking, no mask. And, I could faintly smell the cigarette smoke. So, that’s something. Before it was nothing till now. I hope it comes back more.


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Wootles567

That's great news Collette! Although, I wish it could have been something nicer that you smelt instead of cigerrette smoke. Like a nice pumpkin pie, baking in the oven or something. The guy had no mask on? I wish people would take better care of each other in the community by realising the severity of COVID and wear a mask in public. We are having a bit of a spike in numbers in New South Wales (Australia), because some folk don't seem to think it is a real disease. Or they think that there is some kind of conspiracy to take away their rights or something. Seems a bit mad to me.. it doesn't cost anything to just wear a mask.

Ah well, I'm so glad the tea is helping. At any rate, water is really good for you and keeps you hydrated. Hope you are having a good day, and that you could get out for another walk xxx

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Collettesweetbear

Ok, I just ate an avocado and it tasted like flowers? Or, maybe it smelt like flowers? But, at least there’s that. I can still tell textures in food. Hard to explain. Maybe my taste and smell are confused right now and it will take a while.


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Collettesweetbear

Well, I guess I will try to get some sleep. I just drank a cup of hot water and I feel sleepy and I’m not coughing. I have dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. But, I can’t blame all that on the Covid cough. I was only sleeping for a couple hours and then wake up and get another couple hours. So, I had insomnia before the coughing. Ugh, you guys I know we all know but, just one more time for the team....wash hands as often as you think about it. Try not to touch your face as much as possible. Wear mask as often as you can and still please 6 feet apart. You know that saying “everyone knows someone it has affected” well you guys all know your friend, me. It’s really awful guys. With that temperature and the blazing headache it’s like you’re so sick it hurts. I don’t have anyone to help take care of me so, I road it out on my own. I pretty much crawled to the bathroom for those 2, 3 worse days. And, you’re weak as can be. I still have a tiny bit of weak but, that’s much improved. Ok, sorry you guys I just want to do whatever little I can to help. I mean look this Covid is so bad it has affected the whole world. And, for a virus to take away some of your senses like taste and smell it’s got some strong unusual power to it. Loss of taste and smell are not that uncommon. And, I’ve handled it pretty good but, I’m sure some people are very upset to lose your sense of taste. I probably would have too except the grief of Scooter was more painful then the Coronavirus. That really says a lot. I love you Scooter and I miss you. Take care you guys. Big hug.


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Gary55

Another morning here, it's 8am,im just wakened, I would have been out with Goldie by now, at least an hour ago, I miss that. He was usually out kinda late at night, 9 till 10 or 1030. Up early and out again. Routine has gone. Still dark, it's easy to say why go out in the dark, but you just do if your dog wants too. Kay you say you keep it inside, I feel just now I can't. Yesterday after I got back I had a couple of good crys, I'm on the verge all the time. Anyway just interested, the generator, is that for back up, or is it because you are rural. I know distance is huge where you are compared to a tiny place like Scotland. 

Collette, really interesting what you say about likening it to the need to pee! I'd never thought of it like that but it makes sense. You just have to. Think that was me yesterday, I really felt like it when I was out, but didn't so when I got back it had to come out. Keep the kettle boiling, liquid is always good, dehydration is easy to get, you don't realise. I don't drink enough, I used to drink a few cups of tea a day, now I'm not enjoying a cup like I did. If you've got a bit of a sense of smell and taste back thats great, no matter if they are a bit mixed! At least they are coming back,.i like an avocado they are good for you, your beginning to get things back that's great. Don't suppose the smell of a guy smoking is the best but it must be great to smell something. Well you're right about this covid, we do know someone who has had it, and you've suffered, and you've explained exactly how it goes. I've been thinking of you a lot with it. Who knows who will get vaccine here, or when, the handling of it here has been hopeless. Everything they say never works or happens. Oh that's cute about your being called Bear still, funny how names carry on even into later life. 

Elle, a wootle bag! I love that. We say daft things to pets, I think it's because we know we have to do everything for them and it brings out the child still in us. its Canberra your in, is there no lockdown there. I remember reading there was in Melbourne at one point, but I'm not up to date with it all now. We are in the highest category here. You're right Goldie would have had a good woof! Out at last. That's cute Aiki nudging you as you type. I can't think how I'd be having to take Aiki out with Spooey not being there. Again it just has to be done, but it must be hard, and she will be lonely. The Indian chap seems a lovely man, how nice it is to see him and his dogs. Some people can be so nice, actually putting others first. I also think that animals come to teach us, he sounds an interesting guy to talk to. Not sure yet, I may do something like I did yesterday. 

Take care all. 

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KayC

Yes I'm diabetic, I actually moderate a diabetic forum.  I eat super strict, and try to get good sleep but last night not much, woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  Have to wait until Saturday to try and do the church tax stuff with Kellie, she'll have to register, they won't let me in.  Kodie is my one bright spot, can't let him off leash, Huskies are very strong willed and runners (as in run off).  I have to socialize him in controlled settings, would love to go to a dog park with him but none near here so have play dates with him in our fenced yard.  Took him out for walks three times yesterday and we "ran" with Rocky, a dog down the street, each on their own side of the fence.  They love to do that!  They greet/sniff each other at the gate, I pet Rocky and give him a treat and then they run!!!  He's an Aussie so black & white like Kodie.
 

Kodie 112820 sm.jpg

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KayC
8 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

I probably would have too except the grief of Scooter was more painful then the Coronavirus. That really says a lot.

I haven't had Covid but I have to agree that there's no pain like emotional pain, I've broken many bones over the years, had pain all year in my hands, day/night, but nothing compares to losing George or Arlie.  It hurt losing Kitty but was different as she was 25 and was in good health until the end, it was her time.  I felt Arlie should have been able to live longer, he wasn't old, it's cancer that's a robber.

Collette, can you gargle something to help your throat?  salt water?  I used to make a tea/honey/lemon/orange concoction for us when any of us were sick, it was soothing and comforting, like chicken soup is, I made that too but no one to make it for me when I'm sick, you know?

My kids aren't near here.  I talk mostly to my sister Peggy about George, we have always talked to each other about anything/everything.  And now she understands.

I don't try to hold it in, if I felt like crying, I'd cry, but after this long it changes into a kind of sadness you carry inside of you, it becomes easier to handle to a point but then is never gone, you know?  I did my share of lying prostrate on his grave sobbing.  I was sure the neighbors would have me hauled off but they never did.  I sobbed on my walks w/o him too.  I talked to him, still do sometimes!  I hold his coat close to my heart.  Kodie looks at me but doesn't say anything, of course.  Sometimes he'll come lick/kiss me.

2 hours ago, Gary55 said:

I feel just now I can't.

Don't hold it in, let it out.  My advice was opposite for Collette because of it affecting her eyes.  I was so worried she'd lose her sight!  When it gets that bad you have to try to mete it out in smaller doses so it's not so hard on your eyes.  But it's been 15 1/2 years since I lost George, the tears are shed.  And nearly 1 1/2 years since I've lost Arlie, most of the crying is changed to the inside now.  Just important to remember, guys, when it comes to this, do not think you're mourning them less, do not feel it's the measure of your tears alone that indicate your love, it's not true, there are many ways to mourn and stages of grieving, we will ALWAYS love and miss them, that does not change with time.

 

 

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Gary55

Oh yes Kay, I remember about Collette's eyes therefore different advice. That's so well put about grief changing to the inside. I'd not thought about that, it's been a while since any grief from a loss came my way, so I've forgotten, also it was my mum and from that this feels different. Thanks for explaining this, it's something I need to know. I can see why mourning changes, and we don't love them less. I'm not there yet, and even that seems a long way off, but that explains and comforts. 

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Wootles567

Good morning everyone. Although it's not morning for you guys - it's 8.03 am here, which means it is 9.03 pm for Gary, 1.03pm for Kay, and 3.03 for Collette. This has become my ritual now, to wake up and check in with you guys. First thing that happens in my day is Aiki comes in to lick me and growl softly, meaning that she wants to play. She dumps a sock on me, so that it can be tousled. Ordinarily Spooey would come and jump on the bed first - he was the alpha, and Aiki was respectful of that. He would curl up for a bit, and let me wake up more gradually. Still sleeping on the couch, cant quite move back to bed yet. It is really nice to have this ritual though. It makes it a little less lonely to hear about you, and hear your stories and wisdom.

Collette, any more tastes or smells? Hope so! It is really useful to get your first-hand insights into the magnitude of covid. I haven't really been following the news for the past week, but I know Melbourne has been in lockdown, and there have been some spikes in numbers in New South Wales, but so far Canberra has been relatively covid free. No one wears masks. Although, I guess that could change at any moment. Your story makes me think I really need to give up smoking too - the coughing fits sound absolutely debilitating. And I loved your analogy about crying/peeing, that makes a lot of sense : )

Kay, thank you for sharing your pic of Kodie, he is so so so ADORABLE !!!!!!!!! What a cute fella, I can see why he would be a 'bright spot' in your day! It sounds like you guys are having fun on your walks, and that he gets to have some really good times with you, greeting other dogs and playing.

And thank you so much for sharing your experience of grief through time. You make the statement: "I don't try to hold it in, if I felt like crying, I'd cry, but after this long it changes into a kind of sadness you carry inside of you, it becomes easier to handle to a point but then is never gone, you know?  I did my share of lying prostrate on his grave sobbing.  I was sure the neighbors would have me hauled off but they never did.  I sobbed on my walks w/o him too.  I talked to him, still do sometimes!  I hold his coat close to my heart.  Kodie looks at me but doesn't say anything, of course.  Sometimes he'll come lick/kiss me." 

This is so beautiful. It sounds you have a very functional way of understanding and working through things. Pets are so good at intuiting where we are at, aren't they. It's wonderful you have Kodie, he obviously loves you very much and understands.

It's really lovely that you have a sister who understands and that you can talk to. My sister is the only other real pet-person I know. She is fine if I just jump on the phone and cry for three minutes without saying a word. It's nice to have that level of  acceptance. Your insights are helping me understand what I'm in for. Like you, I feel that my love should have been able to live longer. Spoodles live for 16 years average, and Spooey was only ten. What an insidious thing cancer is. I have to shake myself out of reveries, I can still see the vet's eyes burning into mine as he delivered the diagnosis. Grey-blue and earnest. Kind but Solemn, and absolutely uncompromising about the course of action. That moment. And now, The "if onlys" and "would of/should have/ could haves". But it is heartening to hear how you have dealt with the loss of George and Arlie, how your love is still strong and never goes away. That it is possible to keep that love forever, but it is "on the inside" now. That you assimilate it. I still can't work out how to quote, but this statement you made is profound: "do not think you're mourning them less, do not feel it's the measure of your tears alone that indicate your love, it's not true, there are many ways to mourn and stages of grieving, we will ALWAYS love and miss them, that does not change with time."

How is your blood-sugar level now? hope it is at a more manageable level. And good luck with the church admin stuff, I hope that that is not too vexing. Did you get the electricity issue sorted? 

Gary, how are you today? You mentioned you were thinking of maybe having a nose about town again, did that happen? I bet it is still very cold, so be sure you have a warm jacket. I know it must be incredibly hard, without your dear Goldie to snuff all the sights, and say 'daft' things too : ) We really miss that, don't we, the way we could say any nonsense or joke that came into our heads. But I think you're amazing for going for a walk the other day. It's really great you are fit and healthy, please try to keep that xxxx

 

 

 

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Gary55

Hi folks. Elle, love that you've put the times in, I can't get my head around some of the differences, ahead of here or behind here. That's good to know. Then there is different times in countries, I know there is 3 zones in America, is Australia all the one? UK is all the same, its too small. I also like to see how people are. Yes I did go out yesterday again, much the same routine. I stopped at lamp posts when walking, well not them all, but just like Goldie would to sniff. It's quiet because of lockdown, and I know he's there, but I miss the physical. I'm talking to him sometimes too like now I've said we will soon get out. I've had an idea. I may sometimes walk into town, it's about 4 miles, so that would get some steps up and I'm not so likely to meet people I know. I'll see. You're lucky Canberra is the way it is. This is hard here, there's also no end to it. They say more full lockdown till Easter. Then I don't think it will be fully lifted. Here that means essential shops only open, so supermarkets, corner shops that have food. Take aways open no sitting in. Delivery places OK. No one from outside your household allowed in. Allowed to met 1 person outside from another household. So you can go out for a walk, or the chemist or shop. Masks inside shops. No travel to other parts of the country, so you have to stay local, unless for work or emergency. Sounds bad, but you can walk about. Last lockdown I had Goldie which was great, we went everywhere. I'm going to struggle with this now. Been snowing, and icy again. Dark from around 3.30pm till just after 8 am. This weather isn't helping, though yesterday the sun w as out. Never used to bother, not the same now. 

Had a thought yesterday that it would be awful if I'd gone, and Goldie was left. He would be miserable. He'd hate that as no one bothered about him like me. I'm trying t think that that makes me feel better, I don't know.

Hope everyone is OK. Talk later

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Wootles567

Oh Gary, what a beautiful thought x Goldie would have been miserable if you weren't there, giving him such affection. It's the pain of love, that those left behind have to experience. The fact that you would rather take that pain than have him suffer the loss in reverse speaks eloquently of your love.

And you're right, Goldie is there with you, taking in all those delicious scents at all those lamp-posts. I bet he'd just be over the moon to see that you are going out, and hear you talking to him again. Just try not to mark your territory! haha. They sure do get quite captivated by all those smells, don't they. Must be like reading a really interesting book. It's really great you are getting out, though it must be quite cold. And it sounds quite grim, what with all the covid restrictions. Especially when you don't know when they will be lifted. Although, at least it means you will not have to socialise and make small talk with people if you don't feel quite ready to yet. Gosh, it gets dark at 3pm? Does that make it difficult to keep a regular sleeping routine? I know when day-light savings kicks in here, things can feel a little out of whack and there is a period of adjustment in terms of sleeping. 

If it's ok, I would like to relate a little memory of Spooey that made me smile today. On a hot summers day about a year ago, Lach and I decided to go for a little picnic and swim at the Cotter damn, a pretty water reserve. Lots of lovely big pine-trees, rocky mountains and a flowing river. Spooey raced out the door and stood by the car, tail wagging, and although we hadn't intended to take him, who could say no to a happy spoodle face looking at us expectantly? So, in he jumped, up on my lap in the passenger-seat. He jumped out excitedly when we got there, zig-zagging around me, greedily wuffling up all the scents of other critters. We walked across the warm rocks and jumped in the water. It was lovely and warm, only up to my shoulders. Spooey started whining at seeing me in the water, and trotted nervously to and fro on the rock. We motioned and called to him to come in, it was fine, and after a little prompting, he leaped into my arms. He is not a big dog, but not tiny, and maybe felt a little unsure about the current. So he just stayed in my arms with his paws on my shoulders, licking my face. He relaxed after a little bit, and I remember nuzzling my face into his neck and ears. When we got out, he shook water everywhere, all over our picnic, and Lach was a bit annoyed, but I giggled and I swear Spooey winked at me. He loved annoying Lach. It always reminded me of Ernie and Bert (you know, from Sesame street), the way Spooey would tease Lach. Haha. That might be my best ever memory. If I could choose one time to go back to and live in forever, it would be that day.

Night folks, and take care x

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Gary55

The thoughts of him not having me came into my head. I mean if I wasn't here I suppose someone would have to take him out and when out I reckon he would be himself and going up to dogs, but I think he would miss me and not understand. That's a lovely memory of Spooey, he must have been worried and apprehensive about you in the water and so it's great he did join you, a lovely moment. That place sounds nice, maybe when you feel OK you can go there again. I can picture shaking all over the picnic, dogs don't care! Last June on my daughters bday a couple friends had organised a picnic bedside this old castle, there's a river, and you go down to it, never anyone there. Goldie was included and he had a couple sandwiches, he seemed to like that. I've been back there several times with him since, always a good walk. I've taken a lot of pics and videos of Goldie the last year or so, but I can't look at them yet. I'm not going out today, I may tomorrow. We have 2 birds too, a small parrot called a cacque, and a lovebird. I need to clean them out, no one else is going to. Goldie was always wary of the parrot and tended to go away if he was out. Hope you are all ok

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KayC
6 hours ago, Wootles567 said:

The fact that you would rather take that pain than have him suffer the loss

That's my one consolation with losing my husband and my Arlie.  I would not want them to go through it.  I've watched Hachi https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1028532/  and man, that's brutal!  The dog mourned until the day he died for his master, waiting at the train station for his master to return.  It's an excellent movie (true story, I think Japan).

Yesterday I took my Christmas tree & decorations down and put them away.  Was never hard in the past but this year my hands hurt so bad and the surgical wound on my right hand is still in a lot of pain and swelling.  It swelled up so bad last night and my whole hand/wrist just in severe pain.  Kodie laid on the couch with me and looked at me with such love and adoration and proceeded to lick my hand/wrist where it's hurting, very thoroughly.  It actually felt a little better afterwards!  I've never had a dog quite so intuitive responsive to my pain before.  Makes all his digging & pulling seem unimportant.

My point is, THIS is the love they bring to us!  This is what makes it so worthwhile.  And when they're gone, we hurt to that degree, missing them so much.  But no way would I opt NOT to have had them in my life, nor my husband either (I've learned to live with it but I still love and miss him, just like I do Arlie now.

Wootles567 I love that memory.  I'm glad I wrote Memories of Arlie and also Memories of Kitty (posted in this section), it helped me to immortalize them, for people to know how special they are, WHO they are!  Maybe you could do something like that someday.  I'm not good at videography or taking pictures, but this, to me, is a way of them never being forgotten.  I wish I had videos, I do have some pictures although Kodie is very hard at getting any because he changes to serious and stops what he is doing when the camera comes out!  Cellphones don't work here so I don't have one on me like so many do all the time.

 

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Collettesweetbear

Hi, how is everyone today? I really liked reading everyone’s posts. Kodie is so cute. Look at his little feet with looking like he has on little socks. So sweet. Well, it’s about 11:20am so, I better go for a walk. Not much to report. Feel kinda numb today. Not feeling like crying so far today but, just numb. Maybe the walk will help. It’s about 60 degrees and sunny so, it’s really nice outside. I think being outside really seems to help me. I wish you all a good morning, afternoon, evening. Take care.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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Wootles567

Hi guys, lovely to hear from you and read your posts. Collette, that's nice the sun is out. It is good to get out and about, feel the sun on your face, and just to be moving. Although it can be hard to find the energy when you feel numb (me too - it's 9.28 am here and I've just been staring at the TV since about 6am. Poor Aiki is wanting to go for a walk, but I can't quite find the energy yet. Poor thing. She does need to be out sniffing and investigating. I'll bestir myself in a minute). How are the coughing fits? Any increase in sense of smell and taste?

Kay, I had been browsing through other threads here, and I noticed you had pitched in on quite a few. I so admire your diplomacy, wisdom, and compassion. You have a wonderful way of contextualising grief, so that people get a sense that the world still has meaning, and that it is possible to take all the love you feel for your loved ones and use that to help others and see the beauty in the world. You say, "THIS is the love they bring to us!  This is what makes it so worthwhile." To focus on the good, and let that guide you in doing good. Do you think that comes from your sense of faith? The ability to understand the full magnitude of fear and suffering at both a global and local level, but not let that stop you from feeling Kodie's love, and George, kitty and Arlie? Have you thought about becoming a greif counsellour? You would be a natural, and I bet you are a real assett to your church and community. I'm really sorry to hear about your hands. I guess it is winter now for American friends, and I've heard that cold can make bones ache. How sweet that Kodie comes and kisses your hands : ) I really smiled to think of that. I have very bad excema on my leg, it's been there for years. I try not to scratch it, but it just gets so bloody itchy and creams did not help. When Spooey would notice me scratching, he would insist on giving me a 'leg-lick' (sorry, hope that's not too gross!). I would say "psst! hey Spooey! Leg-lick?" and he would pad over. A more attentive and soothing friend I could not imagine. It really helped. 

Gary, I love to think of you and Goldie loloping around a castle! old abandoned castles seem so romantic, mysterious, brimming with history. Must be pretty where you are, with lots of things to sniff. And he had a sandwich or two, I bet he thought they were yummo! I can just see it. And I bet he liked hanging out with the family. They are pack animals after all, and love their people. Aiki is a bit of an old fuss-pot, but Spooey was happy to eat anything. Often I think he was being polite, he had lovely manners and understood that taking food when offered is a show of good faith. I'm glad you have photos and video of Goldie. I have a lot of Spooey, too, but like you, I can't look at them right now. Although my daughter has put them safely on a hard-drive. Did you get to the parrot and bird-cages?

Wishing you all a nice day/evening x

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Collettesweetbear

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Wootles567

Hi guys. 

I'm just having a slight moment. I'll be fine in a sec. Been going through the edits of my first draft that my supervisor sent back, trying to get my mind off things. I can't concentrate at all. Unthinkingly, I called for Spooey who would usually come sit with me. And then I remembered. i've been holding it together so that the girls don't worry about me. I cry every day, but I just go to the toilet or shower or out for a walk if I need a cry, but I just broke down. Great, wracking sobs. I quickly brushed tears away, as Lach had come to take me to get some groceries and jumped in the car. I'm still finding it a bit hard to make conversation with people, and find myself tuning out. Lach asked if I wanted to come back to his place. I do love Iris, his 7 year old daughter, but am kind of finding it difficult to be around anyone, and I feel pressure to be 'normal', especially around Iry. I don't want to give her a negative impression of grief. Also, she has her own wants and needs, and I don't want to compromise her time with her dad. I couldn't work out what to do. My daughter had taken Aiki out, so there was no pups at home to cuddle. But I didn't really want to go to Lach's. It seems as if everyone else has pretty much moved on, and I am still stuck in stasis. Lach said jokingly "we can pretend you're a ninety year old woman and I'm your carer" (I am 40 years old), and I just broke down again in the car. Honestly, he was just joking, we both have a pretty dark sense of humour, and there was no offence meant. But still, it highlighted how out of character I am behaving, and made me feel pressure to snap out of it. He was really apologetic, and pulled over to give me a big hug. But I just can't believe Spooey is gone. I just can't accept it.

Sorry to be such a misery-guts. 

Hope you guys are having a good day xxxx

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Wootles567

Hi friends, 

Feeling better now. Aiki came back and we went for a walk. It's a lovely evening (5.30pm) and the sun is still out, but it's very mild with a gentle breeze. Your right Collette, it feels good to get out. Came across three other dogs, and Aiki was so well-behaved. Strange how social she is now.. I let her go where she wanted and we ended up at the lake. We are sitting under some trees and watching ducks in the water, plenty to sniff and investigate. Heading back home now. It really helps to talk like this. Hope you guys will have a pleasant day x

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Gary55

That sounds like an amazing film Kay. That's so so sad. The poor dog going back and forward waiting for something that's not ever going to happen. I'm going to see if I can get it online somewhere a stream or whatever. Yes this is what I had in mind. Goldie would have know idea I wasn't coming back, the the thought of that is so sad. Its better this way. Isn't that so cute Kodie licking your hands. The love is amazing, how could we not have that. As Elle says you are so good at what you write. You are a great comfort to everyone, I've had a little look at the other parts at this, this is an amazing forum. 

I'm glad you are going out Collette, the outside air was fine for me the other day. Maybe it helps us just being outside the four walls. 

And Elle I'm so glad you did get out with Aiki. Sounds lovely up by the lake. Again just being out and away seems I think to help, well I'm starting to think this. Don't be too hard on yourself, it must be so difficult trying to get back to concentrating on your music work. You'll need time, maybe when you do find that right moment things will flow a little better musically. Lach seems good, he's trying to lighten things a bit in his way. I suppose this is the difficult thing for others, what do they do if we are not ourselves. I'm not in the mood for funny things, jokes, which is not me. As you say people move on, I know it's like that here. The family are going around normal now, I'm stuck, as Goldie was the main thing in my life. I'm trying not to cry in front of them but last night I couldn't help it. Things got too much, they really don't know what to say I feel. 

As yet not sure what today will bring. Got the birds sorted yesterday, I suppose they are in a way good, but it's not the same. Talk to you all at some point 

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Wootles567

I feel ya, friend. I think we have to 'be' however we want to be, right now. I'm sure your wife and sons will understand that we can go up and down a bit. Wishing you a nice day. Take it easy and check in soon. I really love reading your posts xxx

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KayC
22 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

I think being outside really seems to help me

Freezing & POURING rain here today, envy your 60 degree weather!  So glad you can get out and walk.  Still praying for you to get totally well.  :wub:

Kodie is SO much cuter in person than his pictures show, because of his adorable personality, that doesn't show up in his pictures but does in videos if I was good at that.  He spins around and around when he gets excited.

16 hours ago, Wootles567 said:

I've just been staring at the TV since about 6am

I don't want to turn mine on, everywhere talking about the mess at the Capitol building, had it here in Salem OR too but the police handled it quickly so no one got hurt.  I was proud of them for that, but when you have the president adding fuel to the fire, well, it's a mess!  Hope we live through this w/o major catastrophe.  He wields a lot of power!  So leaving t.v. off except for maybe an hour in the evening.  I can only control what infiltrates MY space, not what's going on out there.

16 hours ago, Wootles567 said:

You say, "THIS is the love they bring to us!  This is what makes it so worthwhile." To focus on the good, and let that guide you in doing good. Do you think that comes from your sense of faith?

My faith, I'm sure, factors in a lot in how I handle things, but also what I've learned through life experience, the tons of counseling I've had and influence from Marty Tousley (grief counselor/adm from griefhealing.com) over the last 15 1/2 years, just everything combined.  I've learned over and over again through life that we can't control what happens to us, but how we respond to it.  Everyone gets hit sometime with something hard...I have gotten a lot, some get very little, but I don't look at that so much because we can't compare, that invalidates someone's experience.  To those of us who have been through a lot, perhaps we're the more privileged ones in the sense that we use what we've been through to be prepared when the next thing hits.  Those who have never dealt with anything tough are ill equipped to know how to handle it when it does.  I knew someone in their 60s who had never experienced loss in his entire life!  And then his dad died.  He knew grief in a different way then.  He thought back to all of those he'd counseled over the years (he was a pastor) and wished he could go back and have a redo.  I don't recommend pastors for grief counseling as they're not trained for it, I recommend GRIEF counselors who preferably have had firsthand experience with loss.  Most do because that's how they ended up going into that field.

 

16 hours ago, Wootles567 said:

Have you thought about becoming a greif counsellour?

Absolutely, if I were younger I would do that, but I'm turning 69 this year, can't see to drive at night, the nearest college is 100-120 mile round trip, and I can't afford tuition/indebtedness at my age.  I do wish that is what I'd gone for but didn't know back then. ;)

My hands have hurt day/night constantly for ten months now, arthritis, carpal tunnel, bone damage from the dermatologist and also a severe dog bite.  They did carpal tunnel on the right hand but that's what is not healing from, the trauma of the surgery, I have numbness in thumb and three fingers on the right and am starting to in middle finger on left.  They can't do anything about the arthritis.  Isn't it odd all of the things they can do with space exploration, technology, etc. but no cure for cancer, diabetes or arthritis?  I don't think its because they couldn't, but there's no money to be made in that!  Bigpharma funds research, etc., skews studies, doctors hand out Rxs like they're candy, each with it's own set of side effects and on and on it goes.  But our medical structure is anything but caring!  From pharma to health ins.  And doctors controlled by medical boards, influenced by bigpharma.  I wonder if other countries have this payoff too or it's just us.

 

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KayC
17 hours ago, Wootles567 said:

old abandoned castles seem so romantic, mysterious, brimming with history.

I had a German friend that grew up playing in castle ruins, I played in the Amazon sewer (I didn't know what it was at the time), my mom didn't keep a very good eye on us!  Such a disparity in our memories!  Castles do sound a lot more romantic!

I'm glad you have that memory of Spooey licking your legs, I have a spot of Psoriasis or Eczema on my left elbow, been there for years, doctor not sure which it is, have to use something on it but it doesn't help much, just keeps it from getting raw, use it every other week.  There is something out there they could prescribe but when the doctor did, found out the ins. wouldn't cover and pharmacy quit stocking because it went up 5,000% in one week!  Pharma greed.  I called the company that makes it and gave them hell, wanted to know how it benefits them or us if no one can afford to buy it!  Never got called back.  

Ahh  Elle, (((hugs)))  Gary too, this is hard, I know.  Poor Collette, must be feeling rotten.  Wish I could do something for you guys!:wub:

7 hours ago, Gary55 said:

I'm stuck, as Goldie was the main thing in my life.

That's how it was with Arlie, being as I live alone and have for 15 1/2 years.  And I was closer to him than any animal I've ever had (25 dogs/cats + chickens & parakeets & pigeons).  He was a wonderful companion.  I miss walking him, he never pulled, was so considerate of me, if I can ever get Kodie to stop pulling it'd be a miracle.  I wish they made Haltis his size, I had one for Arlie but Kodie's was too big (smallest size) and he'd throw it off.  After months of fighting him on it I finally gave up, it didn't help any.

Hachi should be on streaming, Amazon, can probably buy it on eBay, very excellent movie of a dog's devotion to his master...also the town people's response.  He is legendary now.

 

 

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