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Am I just distracting myself from my grief?


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My relationship of 9 years ended 2 months ago. Not by my choice. I’ve not moved on and am not sure I ever will. How do you know the balance between time to grieve and time to get back to your life? 

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My 9 year marriage ended a year and a half ago and my wife hasn't spoken to me since she left. It was out of the blue and not anything I saw coming. I am devastated. She took our two young children and I have only seen them a little more than a day in person over the last year and a half. I have been trying to move on but can't. I can't believe how cruel the person I loved and the most important person in my life has been. I still don't  want a divorce, but she is so horrible that I can never trust her again. Our relationship is over. I try to move on by using dating apps but they are mostly a waste of time. Honestly with your situation you may never get over your partner. I don't think I will mine. I will always love her, but I will also hate her for what she has done. I dont think we could ever have a healthy relationship again. I think if someone leaves you, they dont truly love you the way you deserve. I want to find someone who will really love me, not the bitch that I was living with. I would recommend to you to move on from your relationship and try dating other people. It will help you heal, but don't  settle for anyone easily. Be casual in your relationships and try not to get into a serious relationship. My standards are much much higher after going through this loss. Don't settle, you deserve better. Focus on loving yourself and your friends and family that are left in your life. 

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Heartlight

Hi SadMonkey,

There is no real answer to your question.  It is going to be different for everyone and at different times.  And it might even change in the middle of putting yourself out there.  I had a very important relationship end, not my choice, and while over the next year I had some dates and met some nice people, some who because important friends, I knew that a relationship wasn't what I needed for some time.  Each time I met someone new, I realized more of what parts of me were not healed and I was able to reflect and spend time bringing that particular aspect of my hurt to the surface for acceptance and healing.

Being conscious and gentle with yourself, and others you meet, are your best guides right now.

<3

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Flowrax

My marriage ended after 10 years... we were together for 15.

I discovered he was cheating... "business trips"... right....

So our marriage was over, I had a 3 year old and a 6 month old baby.

We moved to my parents .. to a different country where I had to start over. No job, no husband, no money, no love, no life....

I actually knew about tinder because it's where I discovered his infidelity. So I just started talking to guys there, for friendship,, just to have a person to talk to.

I chose Tokyo so I was sure there wasn't a chance in hell I would meet these people in person. They were aware I was in Europe so most of them just talked to me like friends.

After a year I actually started to look for guys where I live and I found a really nice guy, very kind... we went out and I really wanted to love him. He was everything you would like in a guy, a good dad, very hard working and compassionate. He's one of my closest friends now...

It took me a while to realize I wasn't ready yet... this guy was aware of it and he waited patiently. 6 more months went by and i thought...ok, let's try this again... nope.. still not ready.

I started going on a few dates... not may, maybe 5.. and exactly 3 years later I found my fiance.. it just clicked.

What I want to say is , you WILL move on... you just can't see that yet. 

You will love again! believe me :) 

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