Forced to face myself this holiday season

[Lucas]

I was never a huge fan of the holidays growing up if I'm being honest, I lived with just my dad and he always wanted to go hangout with a bunch of people I didnt know very well. My favorite Christmases or thanksgivings were when we were forced to just spend it as just the two of us. Looking back of course, the holidays as a kid were great, but you know what they say about hindsight. 5 years ago when I was 17 my dad passed away and although I don't have any family anywhere close to me, I always had an invite from a friend of mine or a friend of my dads for the holidays. It wasn't always fun and going to a new persons house every year was often uncomfortable. I also always wondered if it was a pity invite or if they actually would like YOU there, either way it is always nice to be invited and remembered and I do like seeing people. 

This year is different because where ever you go in the big city I live in, I cant help but feel that in one way or another I am burdening others with my presents in their homes. To be forced to face the way I am truly isolated from others has been difficult. For thanksgiving this year I got invited by two friends to come over to their families house, one made me nervous because that friend had a father who was high risk, the other friend was having an outdoor thanksgiving so I was grateful to be able to go to that but it still felt like I was one more body they had to worry about as they are a family taking a lot of covid precautions. When I walked in they said "So nice to have you over this year, maybe it will stop are family from having any too serious moments."

Christmas I will most likely be alone, something I should be more comfortable with, I'm an extremely social person who calls their friends multiple times a day and calls all my friends all the time even when they may have not reached out to me in weeks. I'm starting to think I shouldnt do that, everyone has their own lives and their own things their dealing with even now, checking in on people for your own sake may just be holding on to loose feathers. I also recently was broken up with by a girl that I had only been seeing for a few months but I still some how became deeply deeply infatuated with her, I say "some how" but I know how, I found here to be really great. It ended quickly and without too much of a real explanation, which is hard for someone who feels like they are always being left, (my dad passed away suddenly and my mom left when I was 2) I definitely try too hard to keep relationships with unreciprocated feelings going. This relationship in particular I used as away to not have to deal with feeling so alone right now, big mistake! Cant hide from it!

I think this time is a great opportunity for me to really set up more daily or weekly concrete routines to deal with seeing only myself all the time, routines and habits that will help for the rest of my life, my routines up to this point to cope with loss and grief and hard times and to take good care of myself have thankfully been effective but they have not been the most organized or practical.

Recently, I've been trying to meditate regularly, I need to find a new way to exercise regularly too, as for coping with this month, that is how I am starting. I still have a lot of feelings about my dads passing that I am just realizing I haven't properly dealt with. I am also trying to let my body grieve without feeling like I am derailing my life. I recently had to deal with my mom  whom I don't know, calling me everyday from the hospital where she has just been diagnosed with schizophrenia, I have to remind myself that taking a day to let  myself just sleep the whole day and forget about my responsibilities is ok and not setting myself back, those days do come more often now, but I think that's just the times we are in and that's ok right? we need to let our bodies deal with the current social climate in the way they need to sometimes.

I am writing this because I just spent the last 6 hour not doing any of the work I was supposed to be doing and listening to sad music, going for a walk or meditating, wasn't helping.