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I lost my boyfriend yesterday 11/30/202


SandyMilano

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I lost my boyfriend yesterday and it hurts so badly that i'm falling apart from a broken heart, I can't sleep, eat or leave the house. I bust out crying whenever i think of him i don't know how i will live without him. I feel like he should of have taken me with him. How do you cope with the lost of your soulmate?

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LoveNeverDies

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate on 11/27. It hurts so bad, I just spent most of the day listening to his voicemails and reading his messages. I laughed, I cried and I realized how much he really loved me . I could talk to him about anything, but I just wish I could talk to him now . In the few days I’ve been on here , it’s been a comfort knowing that there’s other people here that understand the pain of losing someone that they love and are here to help . I hope you find comfort with us ..HUGS

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I so sorry for your loss. I do the same thing i keep reading his last text messages to the night he past. it's so hard to think about the good time or bad time it hurst so bad. i wish i had a voicemail so i can hear his voice one more time. People say it gets easier as time goes by but i don't see how.  

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LoveNeverDies

Time does ease the pain, but it does take time though . In 2005 I lost my husband to brain cancer , our daughter was only 8 months old when he died . It took a lot of time to feel normal again and to be able to look back and smile instead of cry. Now I’m going through this all over , it hurts so bad

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I lost my bf in his sleep due to Covid. I wish it was me who died instead but then I think he would of been worst off than i am if i would of died. It must of been and still is very hard for you having a baby to care for at the time.

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LoveNeverDies

I feel the same way, he always said he couldn’t live without me. He died from leukemia, I was with him when he took his last breath. He told me he wanted me there holding his hand when he died , and although it was horrible, I’m glad I brought him some comfort in his last moments on earth.

It was hard when my first husband died. But I had a lot of support from my family, and my parents lived right next door. 

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That must of been hard on you to watch him die in front of you. My boyfriend died in his sleep and his mom found him i don't know if i would of have been able to handle me finding him. I had a video chat the night before he died and twice he just kept looking in my eyes almost like he was trying to remember my face or something. You're lucky to have family support.

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8 hours ago, SandyMilano said:

How do you cope with the lost of your soulmate?

Honestly?  It's a cliche, but it's true, I got through the first months, and many days still, by getting out of bed, breathing in and out, getting dressed (very important, IMO), and keeping myself in that day.  I consider it a "win" if I accomplish one constructive thing in a day.  I do not look too far down the road or contemplate "the rest of my life."  I allow myself to feel however I feel and try not to be defined by a society that generally does not understand loss and grief.  We are on an unwelcome and painful journey, which is ours alone.  To be even more honest, I'm not sure that I will ever fully learn to cope.  But over time--years--I am taking steps forward.  Note that it is moving forward; it is never, never moving on.  I am taking my love with me and am learning to make my pain and grief part of my life, rather than the crushing weight that it was.  I am bringing him and our life together with me; the wonderful, the devastating, and everything in-between.

I am so very sorry that you find yourself here with us, but I hope it helps you realize that you are not alone.  We will always be here.  We will listen, give advice if asked, and even in time, I hope, allow you a smile or two--though I know that seems impossible now.  Coming here really helped me when I was feeling hopeless and lost.  We can talk, question, rant, and "scream" even, if that's what we need to do.  I don't feel judged or criticized.

Those first months, I cried, sobbed, ranted, and just about anything else you can imagine.  I could not stand to be around most people, so I was a virtual hermit except for a small circle of friends and family--and even then, my ability to interact was limited.  Please do not allow anyone to force you into situations you are not ready to handle.  Do not feel you must live up to anyone else's expectations.  I urge you to talk to your boyfriend--seriously.  To this day, I talk to my husband.  At first, it was all the time and often in anger, even though his death was not his fault, followed by apology.  I ask him for help and talk over decisions, confusions, and hard days.  I do not care if that makes me sound weird to others.  (Okay, I am kind of weird, but my husband and I are/were musicians and in the theater and most of us are a little...quirky.)

Right now, you are in shock. Your pain and grief are bound to be overwhelming.  I will not say I know how you feel because this experience is unique for each of us, but I know how I felt and how I feel.  I'd be lying if I said that I never thought about just ending it all because life didn't seem worth living.  Oh, I never actively planned or anything, but I asked myself so many times why I should bother to keep breathing when my one essential love had been taken from me.  Those thoughts are common.  What's important is that you talk about them, to us or a therapist or a trusted friend/family member, before they drag you so far into the dark that you can't find your way back.  I was in the dark pit for much of the first year and well into the second.  But here I felt the comfort and support of others who "get it."  I was lucky that my husband and I had and have a very small circle of loyal and loving friends and family who know they can't fully understand, but who were always there for us and are here for me.  Now I am able to see and grasp the bits of light and hope that come my way.

Some practical advice, if I may.  Sleep when you can and take medication if appropriate.  There is no shame, none at all, in admitting we need help through this.  My doctor is not a pill-pusher, but he prescribed mild medications to help with depression, anxiety, and sleep.  I resisted at first, but when he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I prescribe these for you for a reason," I stopped fighting it and am glad I did.  Do eat when you can.  Try things like smoothies, simple soups, and fresh fruit, which I was able to do on even the worst days.  Stay hydrated with plenty of water and not too much alcohol.  Note:  If you do drink, I'm not saying don't drink at all.  I've found my usual glass of wine or single homemade cocktail to actually be beneficial because I make it a little ceremony at the end of the day.  I toast my love and talk to him about our girls or the color of paint I chose for the bathroom or the weather or what the people we love are doing.

For now, I'm sending you a warm comforting virtual ((HUG))

6 hours ago, LoveNeverDies said:

I was with him when he took his last breath. He told me he wanted me there holding his hand when he died , and although it was horrible, I’m glad I brought him some comfort in his last moments on earth.

I was with my husband, holding his hand and stroking his arm, while he took his last breath too.  When I could see that he had left us, it felt as if the entire world collapsed and my heart shattered into tiny pieces.  At first, those last months of him fighting his cancer with me by his side were the only things I could see or remember.  The image of his last breath is seared into my brain as a defining moment.  In fact, when I could see the end was near, I had to look away from time to time because I was so afraid.  It was as if my heart decided that if I didn't see his last breath, then he would keep on breathing.

You're so right that it's worth living with those images and feeling the pain because I was with him, where I belonged.  The doctors say that hearing is the last sense we lose.  I kind of hope that's true.  I hope he heard the music I had playing for him; many of his and our favorites, and all of our wedding music.  I hope he heard me say "I love you" for the millionth time and I hope he heard me tell him once again how sorry I was that I couldn't save him.  I haven't really described that day to anyone, not even our daughter, because those memories are mine alone and mine to bear.  I will bear them for him.  I would have done anything for him. 

Even knowing that I'd be where I am now, I'd still jump in heart first and never look back because he was worth everything.  He was an imperfect man who was perfect for me.  He loved me (and I hope he still does) faults, warts, and all, and that is the greatest gift I could ever receive.

My heart hurts for you and for SandyMilano.  It hurts for all of us.  I hope you will both keep coming back to talk.  It really helps over time.
 

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So sorry, Sandy. My girlfriend died suddenly Nov. 25th. Blood vessel to heart burst. I was the one who found her. Worst moment of my life, and the last week has been incredibly difficult. Her sister is pretty much alone to make arrangements and deal with all the stuff that follows, and I am helping her as much as possible. The phone calls, finding important papers, etc. has helped distract me somewhat, but it's impossible to speak to friends without breaking down and crying on the phone. I dread the Thursday service and burial, and then there will be so much that will need to be done to empty her apartment over the coming month or so. I am trying to just take it one day at a time. I try not to think about what next year will be like without her. All kinds of little things trigger sad, upsetting thoughts - even seeing TV shows advertised that we used to watch together. All I can offer you is the assurance that right now you are not alone in your grief and pain, especially with those of us who "get it" - who are living a similar nightmare. We're unfortunately now share unwanted membership in this same terrible club. But we'll all fight through it, with at least knowing there are others struggling with us.

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Foreverhis. i'm not sure if i'm replied the correct way here. thank you for you encouragement i know it's going to be along road ahead of me and it's really hard. today i finally got a few hours sleep now i'm up at 2am missing him like crazy and my heart still hurts. i keep going back to when i last talked to him on what i could of have done differently and maybe he would of still been here with me. How can god be so cruel and take away the love of my life yet, let others live and love each other until old age. If i have a lot of typo's i apologize in advance. I want to say a lot but don't have much to say right now God because i am lost in words all i know is that i'm hurting and want to die with my love, he should of taken me with him. People say that god took him because he had other plans for me had someone better for me. Why does God get to make the decision who is best for me i was happy and in love with my soulmate seems so unfair. I'm sorry for your loss as well please continue to write this helps me feel better

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JohnS I am sorry for your loss god it hurts to know there is nothing you can do and if feels like God is playing a mean joke on us. Right now i feel angry at god for letting me fall in love then taking him away from me. I too have a har time watching TV or listening to songs that remind me of him i just bust out crying and i can't stop and i start punching my bed out of hurt and anger. I hope that someday this will pass and we learn to accept it and i know memories will still hurt like hell. I walk around like a zombie i can't eat, sleep, sometimes i just shake uncontrollably and i can't calm myself down i don't know if i'm almost having a mental breakdown or a panic attack 

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SandyMilano, I know it sucks. My girlfriend and I had a more unconventional relationship - we were both a little older when we met, and we always kept our own homes, etc. But we were a couple for 29 years. We didn't see each other every day - sometimes it might be several days between calls even. But we were part of each other's life for a very long time, and I know it will take a very long time to somehow adjust. It's been a week today since she died. Worst week of my life. And COVID makes hugging people and gathering inside just about impossible. Some of our mutual friends we haven't seen in 9 months, and right now with the COVID cases rising I can't even go have dinner at a friend's house. I'm lucky to get 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I spent yesterday with her sister at my GF's apartment but we also went to funeral home because her sister needed to see her one last time (no wake so there would be no prettying up my GF for the quick viewing). I wasn't sure it was a good idea but my  GF's sister got through it and said she felt better for seeing her sis one last time. I stayed back from the viewing a bit - I'd already seen my GF the day she died because I found her, and I knew she would look less like herself yesterday. Yup, the week from hell.  Tomorrow the graveside service (we're thinking about a memorial mass in 2021 on my GF's birthday when we will celebrate her life). But all those memory triggers are gonna keep happening for a long time. And the thought that I''ll never take a vacation with her to our beloved coast of Maine - well, I am trying to take it easy on thinking about what my life will be like - too much to deal with. So, again, if it helps at all, you have others walking the same crap road right now. We'll just try to hang in together.

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LoveNeverDies

SandyMilano , I’m glad you finally got some sleep. Are you close to his family? Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to people who were close to him. A few of my BFs old friends friended me on Facebook along with a few of his family members down in Texas, I’m hoping their stories and memories of him bring me some sort of comfort.

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LoveNeverDies

JohnS I’m so sorry you have to be on this crappy road with us . I hope you find some comfort here

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LoveNeverDies
7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Honestly?  It's a cliche, but it's true, I got through the first months, and many days still, by getting out of bed, breathing in and out, getting dressed (very important, IMO), and keeping myself in that day.  I consider it a "win" if I accomplish one constructive thing in a day.  I do not look too far down the road or contemplate "the rest of my life."  I allow myself to feel however I feel and try not to be defined by a society that generally does not understand loss and grief.  We are on an unwelcome and painful journey, which is ours alone.  To be even more honest, I'm not sure that I will ever fully learn to cope.  But over time--years--I am taking steps forward.  Note that it is moving forward; it is never, never moving on.  I am taking my love with me and am learning to make my pain and grief part of my life, rather than the crushing weight that it was.  I am bringing him and our life together with me; the wonderful, the devastating, and everything in-between.

I am so very sorry that you find yourself here with us, but I hope it helps you realize that you are not alone.  We will always be here.  We will listen, give advice if asked, and even in time, I hope, allow you a smile or two--though I know that seems impossible now.  Coming here really helped me when I was feeling hopeless and lost.  We can talk, question, rant, and "scream" even, if that's what we need to do.  I don't feel judged or criticized.

Those first months, I cried, sobbed, ranted, and just about anything else you can imagine.  I could not stand to be around most people, so I was a virtual hermit except for a small circle of friends and family--and even then, my ability to interact was limited.  Please do not allow anyone to force you into situations you are not ready to handle.  Do not feel you must live up to anyone else's expectations.  I urge you to talk to your boyfriend--seriously.  To this day, I talk to my husband.  At first, it was all the time and often in anger, even though his death was not his fault, followed by apology.  I ask him for help and talk over decisions, confusions, and hard days.  I do not care if that makes me sound weird to others.  (Okay, I am kind of weird, but my husband and I are/were musicians and in the theater and most of us are a little...quirky.)

Right now, you are in shock. Your pain and grief are bound to be overwhelming.  I will not say I know how you feel because this experience is unique for each of us, but I know how I felt and how I feel.  I'd be lying if I said that I never thought about just ending it all because life didn't seem worth living.  Oh, I never actively planned or anything, but I asked myself so many times why I should bother to keep breathing when my one essential love had been taken from me.  Those thoughts are common.  What's important is that you talk about them, to us or a therapist or a trusted friend/family member, before they drag you so far into the dark that you can't find your way back.  I was in the dark pit for much of the first year and well into the second.  But here I felt the comfort and support of others who "get it."  I was lucky that my husband and I had and have a very small circle of loyal and loving friends and family who know they can't fully understand, but who were always there for us and are here for me.  Now I am able to see and grasp the bits of light and hope that come my way.

Some practical advice, if I may.  Sleep when you can and take medication if appropriate.  There is no shame, none at all, in admitting we need help through this.  My doctor is not a pill-pusher, but he prescribed mild medications to help with depression, anxiety, and sleep.  I resisted at first, but when he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I prescribe these for you for a reason," I stopped fighting it and am glad I did.  Do eat when you can.  Try things like smoothies, simple soups, and fresh fruit, which I was able to do on even the worst days.  Stay hydrated with plenty of water and not too much alcohol.  Note:  If you do drink, I'm not saying don't drink at all.  I've found my usual glass of wine or single homemade cocktail to actually be beneficial because I make it a little ceremony at the end of the day.  I toast my love and talk to him about our girls or the color of paint I chose for the bathroom or the weather or what the people we love are doing.

For now, I'm sending you a warm comforting virtual ((HUG))

I was with my husband, holding his hand and stroking his arm, while he took his last breath too.  When I could see that he had left us, it felt as if the entire world collapsed and my heart shattered into tiny pieces.  At first, those last months of him fighting his cancer with me by his side were the only things I could see or remember.  The image of his last breath is seared into my brain as a defining moment.  In fact, when I could see the end was near, I had to look away from time to time because I was so afraid.  It was as if my heart decided that if I didn't see his last breath, then he would keep on breathing.

You're so right that it's worth living with those images and feeling the pain because I was with him, where I belonged.  The doctors say that hearing is the last sense we lose.  I kind of hope that's true.  I hope he heard the music I had playing for him; many of his and our favorites, and all of our wedding music.  I hope he heard me say "I love you" for the millionth time and I hope he heard me tell him once again how sorry I was that I couldn't save him.  I haven't really described that day to anyone, not even our daughter, because those memories are mine alone and mine to bear.  I will bear them for him.  I would have done anything for him. 

Even knowing that I'd be where I am now, I'd still jump in heart first and never look back because he was worth everything.  He was an imperfect man who was perfect for me.  He loved me (and I hope he still does) faults, warts, and all, and that is the greatest gift I could ever receive.

My heart hurts for you and for SandyMilano.  It hurts for all of us.  I hope you will both keep coming back to talk.  It really helps over time.
 

I would do it all over again too. I loved him so much and I know he loved me , he told me this every day, even on the day he died he whispered “ pssssst I love you “ He often told me that he was going to miss me .... And now I’m crying my eyes out again 

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Loveneverdies thank you for replying I feeling pretty much the same as you. I finally got more sleep and I woke up sad hurting and empty inside it’s like, why should I get out of bed for what I’m not going anywhere he’s not coming over I really really hate this pain. I finally talked with my Love’s mom last night and it helped me to relax and talk about the good memories. For some reason talking to her helps me feel closer to my Love. I’m going to try to eat today even tho I don’t feel like eating. I sometime feel like letting myself go and not caring about my health and I don’t care if I die at least I’ll see him again and we CD will be happy again and actually be together forever that makes me smile to think of that. Loveneverdies thank you so much this really does help me and I hope you find happiness again 

 

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LoveNeverDies

It helps me too. I’ve thought about suicide , because sometimes the pain is just unbearable. But I don’t want to cause my family the pain that I’m feeling now. I wouldn’t force yourself to do anything that you don’t want to do, maybe eat something light at first. Talking to his mom again would probably be helpful to both of you, and of course I will be here if you need to talk about anything HUGE HUG

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LoveNeverDies

I hear ya Sandy.I’m so lonely today, just can’t seem to get myself out of bed. 

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I just shared this with someone who is having her first Christmas without her husband, thank you for sharing it with us.

@SandyMilano  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is the hardest thing I've ever been through, my husband had just turned 51 and it was unexpected/sudden.  That was 15 1/2 years ago.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him!  But here I am.  I am very glad you found this place, I do think it helps to have others that get it that we can express ourselves to and know we're heard.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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For whatever little it's worth to someone else, songs sometimes help me a little. I've been listening to a song recorded by Nashville artist, Gary Allan. That song is entiteld "Every Storm (Runs out of Rain)." The storm buffeting me right now will eventually run out of its rain, and every dark night turns into day. I listen to that song and try to find hope that this storm will run out of pain and run out of steam eventually. As an amateur musician of no exceptional talent, when I am able to play music again I'd like to learn this song and some day, after COVID and when I'm a bit healed, I will perform this personal, emotional song. Someday. That's my goal.

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LoveNeverDies
59 minutes ago, JohnS said:

For whatever little it's worth to someone else, songs sometimes help me a little. I've been listening to a song recorded by Nashville artist, Gary Allan. That song is entiteld "Every Storm (Runs out of Rain)." The storm buffeting me right now will eventually run out of its rain, and every dark night turns into day. I listen to that song and try to find hope that this storm will run out of pain and run out of steam eventually. As an amateur musician of no exceptional talent, when I am able to play music again I'd like to learn this song and some day, after COVID and when I'm a bit healed, I will perform this personal, emotional song. Someday. That's my goal.

John , Thank you for that song, the storm is buffeting me too. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to listen to songs that meant the most to us . He always loved the song ‘Lady’ by Styx and my song to him was Rod Steward’s  ‘Have I told You Lately’ . I can’t listen to music just yet. Maybe someday 

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Thank you all for the insights on this thread! I am sorry that we all find ourselves here in the "crap club", I truly wish it didn't happen. I lost my soulmate to leukemia 6 months ago and I am not crying as much anymore. I admit I never thought of suicide but the gut wrenching pain and guilt, the "why why why", why did it have to happen, could we have done something different, could I have done more to ease his pain, those were severe in the first few months. I found that coming here and reading about people's experience and relating has helped me a lot. Also reconnecting with friends and family who knew him, talking about him and what a great person he was and keeping his spirit alive has helped me. Surrounding myself with his favorite things, even wearing his clothes (at home :-) and his watch, listening to his favorite music has helped me. What I haven't yet braced myself to do is re-reading his messages and letters, although I have downloaded them all. I break down every time I attempt to read them, because I miss him so much. But maybe with time I will come to that because his love is all there, it just hurts so much the thought that it's all gone...

Thank you all for sharing! 

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I'm sitting her crying right now because right after my husband passed away (8 weeks ago) I was feeling so guilty that I didn't do more to help him. I was crying and kept saying "I'm so sorry honey". Then all of a sudden the song Have I Told You Lately popped into my mind. I went to YouTube to listen to it, and although I was crying all the way through it, I took it as a sign from him that I didn't need to feel guilty - there was nothing more I could have done. Thank you for the reminder.  

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19 hours ago, JohnS said:

For whatever little it's worth to someone else, songs sometimes help me a little. I've been listening to a song recorded by Nashville artist, Gary Allan. That song is entiteld "Every Storm (Runs out of Rain)." The storm buffeting me right now will eventually run out of its rain, and every dark night turns into day. I listen to that song and try to find hope that this storm will run out of pain and run out of steam eventually. As an amateur musician of no exceptional talent, when I am able to play music again I'd like to learn this song and some day, after COVID and when I'm a bit healed, I will perform this personal, emotional song. Someday. That's my goal.

I hope you will record it and display it here, we'd love to hear it.

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, 'round, down
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
And walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free
Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain
It's gonna set you free,
It's gonna run out of pain,
It's gonna set you free
Source: LyricFind
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On 12/1/2020 at 9:32 PM, foreverhis said:

Even knowing that I'd be where I am now, I'd still jump in heart first and never look back because he was worth everything.  He was an imperfect man who was perfect for me. 

Me too...

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KayC, thanks for posting Gary Allan's performance. I always liked the song and its meaning, but since I lost Diane 8 days ago its poignancy goes right to my heart. Maybe someday I can post my meager attempt at this song.

 

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I lost my boyfriend of 8 years in 2014 to suicide. I was so young, still in college. We were high school sweethearts you know. Its been almost 7 years now. They say it gets better with time, that your pain becomes less, you think about less, you get busy with life. But that's the thing about grief right, it hits you like a brick on random Tuesday afternoon. You could be 6 or 18 or 25 or 38 or whatever, when you lose someone it stays with you. The thing that bothers me the most is my fear to move on, people tell me I am so young and my whole life ahead of me, but what life? I am so scared one day I will wake up and forget what he sounded like or the last time we spoke or anything at all. I am scared what if i fall in love and again and I don't think about him after that and i don't want that. Him living in my memory is what keeps me going everyday. Its been 7 years, yet i still feel so broken; when i wear his t shirts or listen to a song he liked, remember something he said, my heart breaks into a million pieces all over again and i sit and cry, alone. I wake up the next morning and put it all back together, alone. 

 

I truly understand what each of your are going through. 

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@Nikita  I am sorry for your loss, suicide is very hard, and a long term relationship...

We do learn to cope and adjust somewhat but a certain amount we live with, it forever changes us and our lives.  It's not like we "move on" from it or ever forget!  

It's been 15 1/2 years for me since losing my husband suddenly, unexpectedly, trust me, you won't be likely to ever forget anything about him!  Please don't worry about that!  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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i’m so sorry i just lost my boyfriend unexpectedly 2 months ago and it still doesn’t feel real. i am in so much pain. i loved him so much he was the best thing that ever happened to me. then overnight...he was just gone. i don’t get how someone so perfect can be taking away just like that, he was only 17. i am so young and i feel like i won’t be able to recover from this


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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@Cali We don't "recover" from this as in things ever being as they once were, but eventually as we begin to work through our grief and process it, the pain begins to soften in intensity, but it can take much time to get there, and there is no set timetable as we're all different.  I'm so sorry :wub:

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