Jump to content
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×

No i'm not taking care of myself-i just want to die right along with my husband


Recommended Posts

  • Members
chacoswife3

he wasn't supposed to die-no underlying health conditions, only 60, fit as a fiddle. We all knew if we got Covid, I would probably die with auto-immune disorder, heart and blood pressure issues. But we all got Covid, but he never left the hospital-fought Covid for 6 weeks and then lost the fight. I watched him die in front of me, helpless to do anything-the last breath etched in my mind forever. The 6 wk hospital fight and not being able to see him until the last 5 days, he was a tiny bit awake but kept sedated as to not pull out the ventilator. He was never able to say goodbye, or talk-just occasional tears rolling down his cheek as he knew he was about to die. The unimaginable pain he went through and I am going through has broken me. I am nothing without him and have been praying for God to take me too. he was such a beautiful person and is just gone-erased really. I'm sick of people asking me how i'm doing? I'm NOT, i'm not doing-I sit and stare at our pictures all day crying. beggining God to give him back, asking God why? I can't take it-i'm so alone and my world is so far gone now. God I just want to die.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Wallflowerette

I hate that the pain is rooted so deeply within you, consuming everything about you until their is nothing left, but the pain of loss.

I just lost the man who meant the world to me, my father, to Covid in the ICU. I looked up to him my whole life and he was the person I related to the most. I'm sorry you never got to speak with him at the end and hear what he was yearning to say. I'm sorry that the selfish and the stupid are the reason you and I and so many others are left with searching desperately for answers. We are left with frantically trying to ingrain every memory we have of them because that's all we have left. I'm sorry we had to watch them pass away, unable to hold their hands or have them be awake to let them know they aren't alone, that we are right here with them, that we love them so much and that we helpless and in pain. Then they are gone and it hurts. It just hurts and hurts and it's deep. And there is anger that everyone else acts so normal. I question, why aren't they screaming too? As if they should clearly see how it feels like you have had your insides ripped out and all you can do is cry. And that the crying doesn't help and that no matter what we do, they aren't coming through that door or they aren't going to give us a little phone call asking what you need from the store while they are out. 

I play these stupid scenarios in my head, like I would give up everything to have him back. All it does is tease the pain and I know it doesn't make sense. Me giving it all up won't bring him back. There's nothing I can do to bring him back. I know there's nothing you can do on your end either. All I can say, with this just happening to me, is that we can do one thing, focus on ourselves. Now is the time we get to be selfish while we are apart from them. We have to focus on what we have left here because that's all we can do. And it will hurt, it f@#king hurts and hurts and hurts. They aren't with us, so we take what moments we do have right now. I want to believe there are memories I am going to cherish ahead of me and I have been trying to focus on that. I don't know what you have in this world waiting for you to create or find, but I hope they are amazing. With God in your beliefs, I hope you tell him on all the beautiful things you got to experience and feel and go through while you were apart. 

And that's it, that's all I have, that's all I am clinging to right now as that pain is currently rooted in me. I don't know who you are, but please reach out to me if you want to talk to someone about him. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

It's a shame that Covid-19 did all of that to you. The loss of a loved one is difficult no matter the age.

I lost my beloved wife of 42 years on New Years Eve 2019. She had been in Hospice Care and slept in a hospital bed next to me. We celebrated our Anniversary on December 24  and fortunately she was lucid at the time. She suffered a stroke 3 days later and was gone b New Years Eve. I failed to seek grief counseling offered by Hospice thinking that I was able to cope with the loss. I was doing all right until the Covid-19 problem came about and totally changed my life. I remain far too long in this lonely home.

What I said was the forefront of what I want to say to you. Now that the Holiday Season has come coupled with our Anniversary and the upcoming anniversary of her passing I am now having a difficult time coping with the loss myself. If you have children and grandchildren then keep this in mind, those people care and love you. They do not want you to leave them at this time. I made a promise to my daughter that I will not do anything to leave this world until God so chooses I strive to make memories with my children. That is something that you need to consider.

I joined this group with the hope that it will assist me in coping with the loss of my wife. I am lonely and have this feeling of not wanting to go on myself so I joined hoping that through contacts I can cope with the loss. Being  upset all of the time is not healthy for the body and mind. That is why you should continue to seek help to ease the pain caused by the loss of your loved one. I might suggest that you seek individual therapy for a while. God has given us both a mountain to climb. I wish you God speed in reaching the top.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.