Lost my best friend.

[awiles16]

My name is Ashley, I’m an only child and recently unexpectedly lost my father on Nov 17th, he was 73. The 17th was also the same day my husband and I lost our baby boy 7 years ago so it was a double whammy. I’m 34 but my dad has always been my very best friend, we did everything together and I miss him more than words can say. Today has been 2 weeks since I last saw him and I’m devastated. I wish there was some timeline that could tell me how long this emptiness will last. I feel so alone and I would love to know what others do to help them cope. My mother is still alive and I feel like it’s my job to take care of her now and it’s so overwhelming to me. My husband helps a tremendous amount but I really just need my dad. We just bought a house and I was so looking forward to my dad spending time here and now it’s all gone. Looking for others who can relate and help me through this.

[BEQUET93]

The grieving journey is different for everyone, so I don't think anyone can give you a timeline. Your loss is still very recent, so you are still processing what was a substantial loss. Your father was your best friend and when you lose a relationship like that, it feels like there is a gaping hole in the fabric of reality. I am of the opinion that it is necessary for us to feel what we feel, even if it is a sense of emptiness. No one will ever be able to take your father's place, but I hope that you will eventually find solace in your other relationships. 

I have some idea of what you are experiencing. For me, my mother was the favorite parent and I lost her on November 2nd. Several times a day, I think of how each day adds that much more time to the longest in my life that I have ever gone without seeing or speaking to her. I have been trying to cope, by remembering her own experience. My mom was a daddy's girl. When she was on her deathbed, about a week before the end, she would ask for her daddy, who died in 1992. That is how much she loved him, but she lived 28 years without him. She made peace with his death and went on with her life. I miss my mother more than I have ever missed anyone, but, if she could live for 28 years without her daddy, I can work towards making my own peace with her death and live by her example. 

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father and the loss of your son. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can be helpful and this forum is a good place for that. We have also lost parents who were huge parts of our lives and understand how painful it can be.

[Monty]

Awiles, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my father recently and he was my rock, my anchor. Now I am floating out at sea all alone. There is now a gaping hole in my heart which aches for him. I miss so many things about him. It hurts so much.

I also lost my Mum 4 years ago. I can tell you that the pain becomes less intense but it does not go away. You learn to live with it and it becomes a part of you. You change as a person after a loss like this. From reading your story you are no stranger to grief after the loss of your baby boy. I am so sorry. I am unsure what you believe in but perhaps your Dad is now looking after your baby boy for you. 
I agree with Bequet, there is no timeline on grief. You are on your own journey. No one else had the relationship that you had with your Dad, only you.

Be kind to yourself. Remember, you are not alone. We are here for you on this forum. 

[Laura84]

Just to let you know that I am in a similar situation, dad was my best friend and I’m an only child - I’m sorry for your loss, like you I am trying to work through these feelings and seek comfort. Lots of love to you x 

[Jacx]

Hey, I’m in a similar spot. I wouldn’t say he was my best friend.... but he was the person I could go to with anything.

When he told me he had cancer last December.... I remember that moment realizing that he would’ve been the person I would’ve talked about his diagnosis with. He didn’t want our visits to focus on that though, and it would’ve felt crummy talking to the guy with cancer about how sad I was about his cancer.

Anyway...that’s just a roundabout way of me saying I feel you, and I’m sorry you lost him too.

[Genrou]

I am so sorry for your losses. They say “time heals” but it does not. The first year of losing my dad, it all felt completely surreal because I was in literal shock, and I am still in shock. It’s been 1.5 years and this year is harder than last because it’s becoming more real to me he’s not here. I can’t make sense of any of it. I keep on telling myself “He disappeared and I don’t know where he went.” As soon as my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my husband and I tried so hard to get pregnant so at least my dad would “know.” But we only became pregnant two weeks after he passed (3.5 months after he was first diagnosed). I was hoping that by having a baby, that can fill the gaping hole everyone is talking about. I didn’t even “appreciate” the pregnancy because dad was not here to rejoice with me. Little did I realize that miscarriages can happen, to me, and it did. I lost my baby 9 weeks upon finding out I was pregnant. I had to mourn two deaths. I am so so so sorry you are going through this. You have to live for you, and I know there is a lot of pressure to take care of your mother. But by taking care of her you will also be able to find comfort in another. She too is hurting even if she is not showing it, and she needs you as much as you need her. Spend as much time as you can with her. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. This is something I need to remind myself.


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