No one has the words...

[Kncanterbury]

I loss my soul mate in September. He took his life right in front me. I have no one to talk to as his family went from Love you to he would still be alive if he had never met you. Everyone looks at me like I’m a ticking time bomb. But my friends have long moved on with their lives and they have never loss someone close to them. It’s always I wish I knew what to say to make it better or they ignore me completely. I just want someone to share his memories with it. 

[jmmosley53]

Kncanterbury,

It is very wrong that his family is placing blame on you.  Please do not accept that blame. 

I guess it is just a human failing to want to fix someone's hurt.  In our cases there is no fixing it.  There is nothing anyone can say that would take our pain away.  I don't know if you are a writer but it helped me to start a journal.  I pour my emotions into those pages, I also write my memories that are too personal to share with anyone.  For me writing is therapeutic. 

[Kncanterbury]

Thank you for your kind words. It’s like if I hear one more time, you have to understand his family is coming from a place of grief, I may just explode. It’d be different if I was lashing back, but I’ve refused to disgrace David’s memory like that. But it’s like I’m over here grieving all by myself too you know. 
 

and I have started journaling. That’s about all I ever do right now. I have three different ones for three different reasons. It’s been helpful to me as well. 

[KayC]

I'm glad journaling is helping you, I journaled for quite a while but then destroyed it as it was personal and I didn't want my kids reading it when I'm gone.  I'm a lot older than you so I think about these things.  His family is wrong to blame you, no one can make someone else take their life, nor does someone else cause it, it is the person themselves that makes that choice and little we can do to dissuade them.  I lost a friend to suicide, I worked with him, knew him since he was a little boy.  His family went through hell and they were all good people and had tried to get him help.  

We are here for you, listening...

[Kncanterbury]

You would think it would be the big things you miss the most. But that’s just not true. I miss the smallest of things so much more than anything big. Yes. We shared the burden of bills and and housework. Buts it’s changing out the ceiling fan blades because they were making a noise and keeping me up. Or changing the plastic snaps to metal ones on the weighted blanket he bought me for Christmas because the plastic ones keep coming off. Checking the air in my tires. Ordering me a pair of shoes because he liked them or or pastry at Spinx when he stopped for gas. 
 

I have endured being in thee room with him when he pulled the trigger. Eight days in the hospital on suicide watch. Being locked out of our house by his family (they changed the locks when I was in the hospital) and again when they had the power cut off on me. I missed his funeral because I was told the wrong place to be. Fought a murder and theft charge by his family. Forced to move out of our home (the mortgage was in his name) within 30 days of his death. Been told f you you sick Psycho, that I never loved him, he’d still be alive if he has never met you. Not only did I loose my best friend and my soulmate but I also lost the connection to him through his family. And the sad part is I still miss his family too. 

[jmmosley53]

Kcanterbury

It sure sounds like your love's family is just horrible to you.  It seem to me that because he loved you that his family would want to stay close to you.  

I identify with your missing the little things.  I miss him asking me where the scissors is despite it has been kept in the same drawer for years.  I miss him telling me who the guest TV star was playing on the old Gunsmoke reruns which he watched all morning long.  I miss him telling me to take a break and rest my eyes when I was reading a new book.  I even miss him saying he didn't mind what I made for dinner and then when it was ready he'd say 'oh no not that' .  A thousand things I miss.

[Kncanterbury]

And so much has changed about my life and my personality now. I can’t do crowds anymore because I’m use to chatting with him while I stand in line. I’ve realized that I’ve been carrying several friendships (I’m talking about 10+ and even 20+ years) because those 5 people are the ones who have not been there in this time of need. I mean we’ve been though divorces, child birth, late night conversations about a new girl he likes, seizures, breakups, deaths of parents and bad choices. I’ve always been there checking on them. Making sure everyday they are ok. And now my phone sits silent. I can’t eat at certain restaurants anymore. I now have road rage which is very weird for me. It feels like everything that is suppose to get me grounded in this time of sorrow has suddenly disappeared. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Kncanterbury said:

I have endured being in thee room with him when he pulled the trigger. Eight days in the hospital on suicide watch. Being locked out of our house by his family (they changed the locks when I was in the hospital) and again when they had the power cut off on me. I missed his funeral because I was told the wrong place to be. Fought a murder and theft charge by his family. Forced to move out of our home (the mortgage was in his name) within 30 days of his death. Been told f you you sick Psycho, that I never loved him, he’d still be alive if he has never met you. Not only did I loose my best friend and my soulmate but I also lost the connection to him through his family. And the sad part is I still miss his family too. 

OMG, they put you through a lot!  So unnecessarily!  I know people aren't at their best when they're grieving, but this carries it to the extreme!  I am so sorry.  In the end it seems all we have to rely on is God and ourselves.  At least that's what I've surmised.  This is a lonesome journey, so it seems.  I'm glad we have this place to share.