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My precious princess left without a goodbye


Thabi

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My daughter turned 16yrs old on the 13th Sept 2020 and passed on the 26th. I was all alone with her when it happened. Till to date I can't stop crying. Medication cannot seem to ease the pain. She and my 7 yes old son were all I have ( my achievements). As a single mother she was my partner and closest friend. She was so intelligent that she was awarded female of the year 2017 by education department, then became an ambassador of Maths and science for wits university in SA (johannesburg). She kept me going but that Saturday without warning told me she was not well and went to take a nap. That was it. I keep on seeking for what I could have done to save her, even go to pharmacy to get something for her. I thought God had punished me enough after going through challenges but this has torn my heart to pieces. Everything I held dear to my heart has been torn to pieces. My son is also grieving as they were soo close. I thought doing gooe during covid-19 by giving kids food would find me favour in the Lord but I was wrong

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My girl is in heaven

Dear Thabi.  9 1/2 years ago, I lost my 17 year old daughter similarly to you.  She was very healthy, collapsed and died suddenly and there was no specific cause of death but they think some kinda of cardiac event. I know the devastation that you feel, shattered to the depths of your heart and soul.  My daughter too excelled in school and sports and was loved by so many.  I too thought god was punishing me but he wasn’t  nor is he punishing you.  I don’t know why god takes a child, but I do know he did not look down and pick your daughter or mine.  It’s not supposed to happen this way, but just like in a storm mostly all the older, dried up leaves get swept off the trees, but sometimes there are a few young, green leaves that blow down too.  Somethings there just are no answers for.  You can look in every corner of the world, turn over every rock and you will never find the answers as to the whys or what if’s.  As a parent we naturally feel guilt that we didn’t protect our child, was there something we should have done or not done. But you would have moved heaven and earth to save your girl and god knows what was in your heart that day and still is which is nothing but love for your girl.  You are so new and raw to your loss.  Probably still thinking she will call or come thru the door, not being to really be able to grasp the enormity of it all.  You are in the bottom of the grief pit now, but as time goes on, there will be light again for you, at first a pinhole and you probably won’t notice it much, but you will eventually climb out of that dark hole .  Of course there will always be things that will throw you back in again.  But everytime you climb out, it will be a little easier and you won’t stay in there quite as long.  You will never “get over” it as the rest of the world thinks. But you will forge ahead because you have a precious son who needs his mama.  Right now all you can do is baby steps, one foot in front of the other.  Don’t put pressure on yourself of how you should feel or what you should or should not be doing.  There is not a one size fits all to loss of a child grief and what ever you feel like saying or doing or not saying or doing is absolutely the best thing you can do for you.  Losing a child does not come with a hand book.  Don’t try to run from your grief, face it head on, whether that means screaming, pounding the walls, being quiet and reflective. Deal with it how every it comes to you, because you will never be able to run as far or fast as grief, it will always be there waiting for you.  But it won’t seem quite so scary if you face it and not let it take your power from you.  I wish I could press the fast forward button and take you to a day where the sharp edges of grief are not so ragged, where they have softened some.  You will never get over, but you will get thru.  But while you have to walk the lonley and difficult path of grief, you do not have to go thru it alone my friend...never alone.  Grieving moms share a bond that others, thankfully, cannot possible understand or get.  I used to be on this site for years but only rarely come back now.  But if you want to talk or unload I want you to know I will be here for you, either on this site or I can email you.  Please feel free to reach out anytime.  Your daughter is beautiful, thank you for sharing her picture and her story and hold on, you have been given the worst thing in the world for anyone to handle but you are and will always will be standing strong, even if you don’t feel like it sometimes.  
 

Luanne......Kira’s mama

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Mason’s Mom

Thabi your grief is so new, it is good that you reached out to others.  I think that knowing others have faced the pain and anguish you are suffering helps. No one wants to be a part of such a  group but being able to express ourselves without fear and knowing others are further down the path and can provide support is very important. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or act. We all have different ways of coping. We all understand. 

Luanne,  your words are so encouraging. 

Carol

 

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Dear Luanne. Thank you so much for the response. I was beginning to loose my mind. I feel like i'm stuck in a place I don't want to be anymore. I have even developed some discomfort on my left hand side I think it could be my heart, even short breath due to crying. I don't know how many times I've asked God to take me, because I feel if I commit suicide I won't see her again (crazy right). I read almost all the stories in this forum and somehow has given me a break from crying today, seeing how other people are going through the same pain as me. I feel like after Siya's passing people post pictures of their Teenage daughters to mock me- is that normal?.

I know Siya is behind finding this forum for me, because she never wanted to fail in anything. Her friends said she would go an extra mile to help someone. How could a child work so hard at school but not get a chance to finish it. It was her and books and assignments. No friends. I just can't understand. Her last essay was about "Her role model - Her mom", described me as a strong, beautiful and independent single mom. But with this test I will have to fail. As a community leader and motivational speaker I'm even afraid to give advice anymore.

 

Thank - Siya's mom

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Mason’s Mom

Thai, one of the best things anyone told me when I lost my son was "remember to breathe " at the time it didn't sink in however like you I felt physical pain. I found I was taking a full breath the pain was so great. I started making myself take deep cleansing breathes and it helped yhe physical pain and helped my mind settle down. Take this one hour at a time,  the pain never leaves however you will learn to cope.  I find it my mission to keep Mason's memory alive.  He has a heart for others and I want to keep doing things in his honor it helps me. I stay busy as well. Hold onto to your son,  he hurts too. My daughters and husband are my reason for getting up every day. 

Carol

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Mason's mom. Thank you so much. After Siya's funeral I found myself smoking for the first time in my life not everyday but when I feel I need to breath. Then my neighbour told me when she lost her two kids they bought red wine to help with her heart and sleep. So as I didn't drink alcohol I took her advise and drink half a glass at night. It really help me sleep

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My girl is in heaven

Thabi...yes my dear friend, that is absolutely normal to feel like people are flaunting thier teenage daughters in front of you.  I had to move away from that town as I could not bear to see all her friends and their moms.  I have felt like teenage girls and moms are talking excessively loud in stores, they are laughing loud, .....I wanted to scream, why did you get to keep your daughter and I had to give mine back....don’t you know I’ve lost my daughter? ....but then I slowly realized of course they don’t know and of course they aren’t intentionally trying to hurt me.  But it sure does feel like that at times.  Even now, I move in the other direction when I see those moms and girls coming in my direction.  Just remember those moms aren’t better moms then you or me, they are just luckier, that’s all.  I tried to take my life more than a few times over the years, but somehow I’m still standing at 9 years in.  I know right now that you just want to be with your daughter but remember time in heaven is not measured in days, months, years like it is here on earth.  Our girls will be waiting for us when our day comes.  Siya picked you to write about as her role model.  What greater gift could a mother have.  Like Carol said, just breathe, one moment, on day.  Don’t plan or look ahead, just let the grief roll over you as it will and let things unfold the way they will.  My situation is so similar to yours..I know how your heart is breaking right now.  I will always be here for you.  
 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

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