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Taboo Grief


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I wonder if anyone here has experienced grief that felt like it was unacceptable to others? Both of the guys I dated in high school died in unrelated, tragic ways. When I experienced loss the first time, he died of cancer. I was almost 19. Some people struggled with understanding my grief. He was an ex boyfriend.

The relationship I had at the time ended. Then we had an on and off relationship for years. I met my first husband. Less than 2 months after my wedding the other ex boyfriend died of suicide. This grief was also unacceptable. 

I am in a better place, all around. I moved away from my hometown. I needed a new start. I am engaged and in a very supportive relationship. 

Sometimes I struggle with the fact that I lost people at a young age. And it's a struggle that my grief has been thought of as unacceptable. It is hard when I see other people make posts on Facebook about their grief... for example, someone posting about it being the anniversary of the loss of their friend and struggling... and those people receive support. If I were to make an honest post like that then there would probably be some questioning/judgement over ex boyfriends. I can make general statement kind of posts and receive "positive vibes" or hearts but it's not the same. I have few close friends that will be supportive when I reach out to them privately, and I guess that's all anyone really needs. But it would be nice to have more of a support group and people to be understanding on those rough, anniversary days. 

 

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On 11/21/2020 at 12:21 PM, Marie M said:

I wonder if anyone here has experienced grief that felt like it was unacceptable to others? Both of the guys I dated in high school died in unrelated, tragic ways. When I experienced loss the first time, he died of cancer. I was almost 19. Some people struggled with understanding my grief. He was an ex boyfriend.

The relationship I had at the time ended. Then we had an on and off relationship for years. I met my first husband. Less than 2 months after my wedding the other ex boyfriend died of suicide. This grief was also unacceptable. 

I am in a better place, all around. I moved away from my hometown. I needed a new start. I am engaged and in a very supportive relationship. 

Sometimes I struggle with the fact that I lost people at a young age. And it's a struggle that my grief has been thought of as unacceptable. It is hard when I see other people make posts on Facebook about their grief... for example, someone posting about it being the anniversary of the loss of their friend and struggling... and those people receive support. If I were to make an honest post like that then there would probably be some questioning/judgement over ex boyfriends. I can make general statement kind of posts and receive "positive vibes" or hearts but it's not the same. I have few close friends that will be supportive when I reach out to them privately, and I guess that's all anyone really needs. But it would be nice to have more of a support group and people to be understanding on those rough, anniversary days. 

 

Marie,

First of all, you have my deepest sympathies on your losses. I’m sorry if people have made you feel like your grief is unacceptable, because each person’s grief is personal. No one should judge you for the feelings that you have in your heart for someone you that you had a relationship with in the past. There may be some reason that you still carry a piece of the in your heart even though they are an ex. Not all relationships are meant to work out and it doesn’t mean that because they end it is a negative thing. You can still be friends or care about your ex. I know it is possible because I have and am currently doing so. The grief I am experiencing currently is unacceptable to my daughter. She did not like the man that I was involved with. And when I tried to tell her what was going on with him as he got sick with Covid, she shut me down and refused to talk to me. And I haven’t spoken to her since. Not even after he passed. She didn’t even message or call to express her sympathy or even check to see how I am doing. She is my only child and you would think she would show some empathy. So I understand where you are coming from, the difficulty of talking about what has happened. But I would be happy to talk with you anytime you need a shoulder to lean on.

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Marie M

Thank you. I am so sorry about what you're going through. I hope your daughter comes around. I feel like it is helpful to have understanding people to talk to. You can reach out to me as well ♡

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Just wanted to reach out and see how you are doing? Life is still a roller coaster. Take care.

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sadbluebird

Hi Marie, 
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. It does indeed feel rotten to not receive the type support that we each crave. I understand the hurt and confusion of estrangement as I have had a difficult time with family relationship after my mom died last year. It’s so hard to get your mind around and very lonely. I just joined this group and think it may be a place to boost the feeling of connection. You can reach out to me in chat if that helps. 

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Marie M

I am doing pretty well right now. I started a job that allows me to work from home, which is helpful. A week ago was the ex who committed suicide's birthday so that was a little hard. My fiance was really supportive, though. How are you?

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sadbluebird

I saw that in your earlier post that you have a supportive relationship with your partner and that is so good to hear! I know everyone experiences the anniversaries differently but I understand how challenging it is. Do you have any activities that you do to honor his life? 

 

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Marie M

When it's possible, I like to eat at Mongolian Barbecue to honor his life. Other than that, game nights help. Activities like that are most helpful to me. Visiting cemeteries has never been helpful to me. It was hard when I lived near the cemeteries and had to drive past them.

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sadbluebird

That sounds nice to eat food that is connected to him. Game night is a great idea also! My mom and I loved games. 

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