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Baby Scooter,


Collettesweetbear

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Collettesweetbear

Thank you KayC. She sure was. She looked like a little stuffed toy when she was a baby. She had the cutest face in the world. But, it was the live inside that stoled my heart. I miss her every second. I always will. Forever.


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catawampus

She is so beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss. 

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Collettesweetbear

Thank you, Catawampus. Yeah she was a cutie. She had a lot of health issues unfortunately. Loads. I just woke up so, I will tell more later. It truly is amazing. Have a wonderful Sunday.


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KayC
9 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

But, it was the live inside that stoled my heart. I miss her every second. I always will. Forever.

That's how I felt about Arlie, he was beautiful, but he could have been a hairless and I still would have loved him the same, it was HIM that captured my heart!  The essence of him, his personality, his consideration, his sweetness, goofiness, gentleness, intelligence, protectiveness, everything about him.

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Collettesweetbear

I agree with you 100%. It was her love and all the little things about her. Here’s one. Here particular breed does not typically scratch. So, in 17 years she never scratched or clawed a thing. I bought her a scratch post thinking she might like something and I even showed her how and so, ever now and then she would pick at it. Lol. Declawing this breed is extremely not suggested because the little desire to scratch. What else, umm, oh she didn’t jump on things. She has shorter legs, so she would jump on the sofa “in her spot” or on me. Maybe a sofa chair. I bought a new bed and it was too high I didn’t realize, she didn’t like that. She could do it but, didn’t like it, so I slept on the sofa that was much lower for many years. Full disclosure, I’m still there actually. I can’t seem to sleep in my bed. . Oh, KayC here is her breed. Shaded silver chinchilla Persian. They say shaded silver because they are mainly white, but have a little shade of silver gray at the tips down the back. Some harder to noticed than others. Back only. Then Chinchilla because she didn’t have regular feeling cat fur. It felt more like um bunny/silk/chinchilla. She was soooo soft. And, of course Persian as that was her breed. Flat face but, not as flat as the normal Persian face. Scooters breed has a more doll like face. Still classic flat from the side but, mostly they all have scooters face. Long hair. They are show cats so if you plug in her breed you will see. They have to be groomed and owners and showers are brushing them like constantly. I am non of those things. I just wanted a pet. Scooter was considered the runt I guess. Her mama kept pushing her away. No matter how hard they tried the mama cat was just not interested. Poor baby scooter. They were practically trying to give her away. I saw her I took her.


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Collettesweetbear

KayC, it took me almost a year to put baby scooters pictures up and talking about her more personal. It’s hurting all over again. That pic where she’s looking off in the distance, I remember at that moment thinking “I wonder what she’s thinking about?” I just thought that again looking at that picture. I have lots and lots of pics of scooter. Video’s too. I have a hard time looking at her in a video or picture. It’s like there she is, right there. Trying to live along side my grief. I know it’s a picture, there was a time in that picture we were both there, right there. Loss is a cruel thing. If I had one wish, and winning the lottery of billions was included. I would wish that our animals would live with us forever.


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AJWCat

What an angel, sweet Scooter. I can just imagine how many hours of joy she brought you. I am so sorry. 

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Collettesweetbear

Hi AJWCat, how are you? Thank you about scooter. Did you see her other 2 pics? I posted her baby pic, when she was 11 and 14. It took me almost a year to finally bring myself to do it.


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KayC

Sometimes you feel yo're treading on holy ground, entering another's holy place, that's how I feel right now, about your post...no words adequate enough to respond, but I hear/understand you.

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AJWCat

Hey @Collettesweetbear I did see, she is so precious. I also read your latest post. Losing our cat, the way we did, was beyond anything I thought I'd experience.

(I guess I'm lucky, people throughout history have had some really horrific things happen to them and their pets. I've known very very little loss.)

So this was a  heartbreak I never thought I'd feel. When I projected in the future of losing him I would tell myself, I'll be okay, I'll be able to handle it. Nope. Like getting hit by a mack truck. Can you ever prepare for that??

That said, I get you feeling that joy is gone forever and the day to day painful fog. I hope "forever" will not be true for you. But I understand that's where you are. You have no choice but to be there while you learn to live with this loss.  

 

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catawampus

Hi Collettesweetbear,

I hope the last couple days have been a little bit better. The pain does subside but it never really goes away. In the beginning it just seems so overwhelming, so life ending. And those feelings seem as though they will last forever. There was a part of me that never wanted to let the worst of the sadness go because it was all that was left to connect me to my little ones. But time does the work for us. Eventually the pain recedes and becomes less sharp, though the dull ache of being incomplete remains.

The description of your depression sounds a lot like me. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that for so long. I've been dealing with major clinical depression since my early twenties (at least that's when I was first diagnosed--over thirty years now). My grandmother had major depressive disorder and essentially drank herself to death. I've been to therapists, been on every SSRI on the market, spent time in a 72 suicide prevention lockup for an attempt in my late twenties. Even on my best days life is only somewhat bearable. So when I've lost my little ones (more than a few now) all I can think about is wanting to be with them. I'm not sure how we keep going but so many of us in our situations do. I hope you are able to find your way through this. It's not an easy road for sure. And in spite all of the devastating sadness, I would not change a thing. They are so important to us even after they're gone. Few can truly understand the effect they had on our lives.

Take care. Be well. 

Biscuit's Dad

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Collettesweetbear

Hi Biscuit’s daddy. I just read your story about Fifi. 🥺. It sounds like you have a previous one as well. I will go read it and come back to you. AJWCat, thank you for your lovely words and all the support. You’re such a kind loving person and I’m so glad I’ve met you guys, I don’t know what I would have done without all of you. I think you once said you wish we could have all met during a better time. I sure agree with that completely. AJWCat, I can’t find your main story posted? I looked for it for a good while...am I looking in the wrong place then the main page? I look again.
Hold on Biscuits dad, I’m going to your story you posted previous to Fifi. I’m glad Fifi was listening to your heart beat. Your heart was saying “I love you Fifi”


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Collettesweetbear

You guys 🥺 omgosh. I didn’t realize you’re all over the place supporting people. KayC my gosh, it looks like you connect with a new hurt heart as soon as you can. What a very special person you are. You love animals so much, plus the broken hearts like me and everyone else. You’re really amazing. AJWCat, you also are everywhere supporting people coming in with this unbearable pain we all share. You say the most wonderful words of hope, KayC too, to help sooth a broken-hearted person that just lost their baby. The help and compassion you give people is.., well, like you’re angel’s. I might even say most of these people have been hit with probably the worst thing that could ever happen to them. And, if like me, no matter what I’ve been through, no matter how bad even my crippling depression...losing my scooter is and will always be the worst. I loved that cat so much, it literally hurts to breath. Sometimes when I cry, I can’t catch my breath while I’m crying. I’m actually wiping away the tears now reading stories back I hadn’t seen. I was in such a tunnel vision of pain, I didn’t look around very much. I will need to take a pause for a while. I’m overwhelmed with sadness for all of us. I’m so sorry about Fifi and Kiki. They were precious. You did everything you could. I’ll read more about them tomorrow and I’m thinking Biscuits story is there. KayC said once that we are going over it again and again with the guilt for a different outcome. She is 100% right..I know that is true in my case. I may not be saying it correctly just in case sorry KayC. My therapist said something very similar to me. She keeps telling me I need to find a way to forgive myself. I tell her every session, I can’t. It’s my fault and I can’t forgive myself. Yesterday she told me...”Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different” I pray every night Scooter is ok and I sure understand how you don’t want to let go of the suffering because the love and pain are the links with them. Omgosh, it’s 5:45am! I’ve been awake all night. I guess I’ll sleep for a little while. I pray my suffering will ease up soon..it’s been almost a year now. It’s as if it was yesterday. Take care for now.


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KayC

Here is her story (you can find someone's by doing a search for threads by member or by going to their profile & looking up their activity at the beginning) 

 

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KayC
4 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

KayC said once that we are going over it again and again with the guilt for a different outcome. She is 100% right..I know that is true in my case. I may not be saying it correctly just in case sorry KayC.

You said it just right, we're all looking for some different possible outcome in the early time because this one is so unfathomable and hard to take in!  But that doesn't make us guiilty of anything but loving them with all our heart and soul.  I lost my nephew when I was 14, he was three, my sister was left quadriplegic in that accident, they also butchered her vocal cords in the emergency tracheotomy, and damaged my other's sister's brain as well, it's why she falls all the time.  Then a few years later the death of my baby niece, she was almost two and didn't have a brain.  Lost my dad when I was 29 and expecting my first child.  Took care of my MIL three years when she was bedridden with cancer and then lost her, she was my best friend and the mom I'd always wanted.  My own mom had multiple mental issues, I lost her six years ago.  Then my sister a couple of years ago.  I've lost 25 dogs & cats.  My husband died young/unexpected at years ago.  So I've had a LOT of loss in my life.  Also lost a cousin, aunts & uncles, grandparents.  I've learned to coexist with my grief, it is always with me.  My purpose, as it will, is to be here for others going through it.  The hardest two were my husband George and my Arlie, they affected my heart/soul and every day life, I had the strongest connections with them.  It feels like we die a bit with each one.  The hardest thing in the world is continuing in their absence, with all the changes it means for our lives.  Now I'm growing old alone, no easy feat, I rely on God every day to get me through.  Don't know what I'd do without Him and Kodie.

I'd about given up on the idea of having another dog after losing my Arlie.  But then my son brought me Kodie.  Not the same as Arlie, by any means, but he's wormed his way into my heart, undaunted by my grief, he just kept loving me.  Hard to resist those little beady eyes and kisses.  Yes we feel afraid to love again but here I am and I know life isn't worth it without that risk, without trying.  This aloneness can swallow me whole.

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Collettesweetbear

Oh my goodness KayC.. here I’m saying losing out soul mates (Arlie, your husband, Daisy, Mine, AJWCat precious cat, and on) is the worst thing we will know. But, KayC you have gone through loss your whole life. Your poor sisters and nephew and niece and best friend...25 dogs?!!! And, oodles of cats?! You are so brave and the courage to keep moving forward..God’s helping you every step. I know I’m still writing but, at the same time speechless. There are no words. The surgery, the frozen outside, the wheelbarrow, hauling wood. It just goes on. KayC you are not alone. God’s here. We’re here. And Kodie loves you. And, so many heartbroken moms and dads losing their pets come here and you’re right there. 25 doggies?! Woweeee, I just had one. Just scooter.


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catawampus

Hi Collettesweetbear,

I'm so very sorry you're dealing not only with the loss of your little one but also your depression. I know all too well the darkness that overtakes you during these times. Therapy helps while in session but for me at least the moment I walk out of the office my depression returns. And then the drive home and the quiet waiting for me is awful. I've honestly found more help online than in therapy. Coming here, going to other forums, joining chat rooms for pet loss and depression. There's an amazing chat room that I go to when I can't seem to face the day. It is moderated by extremely caring people and everyone is kind and supportive. If you don't already join chat rooms for pet loss (or otherwise) I'd be happy to send you a link to my favorite (I've tried several).

Some days I can hardly move so I totally understand what you're going through. It's brutal and a vicious cycle. I still have all my babies in urns so that they are always near. It helps eventually even if I can't bear to look at the urn for awhile without breaking down crying. 

I hope you can find some peace throughout all of this even if that peace comes only briefly and infrequently. Those moments of clarity and hope are fleeting but they are vital. What also helps me is caring for other needy cats who would have either been euthanized or languished in a cage. I care for sick kitties who need constant attention, medicine and fluids. I permanent foster them since I cannot afford their medical bills. It can be hard and time consuming but caring for another creature who needs me helps me to focus my love and care towards something else, rather than internalizing all my grief and self-hatred. 

Take care. Be well.

Biscuit's Dad

 

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Collettesweetbear

Thank you Biscuit’s dad. Yes, you know the unbearable pain of depression. You know when I was 9 years old, I told my mom I couldn’t go to school because I was so sick. She of course let me stay home. But, I remember thinking I can’t tell where I am so sick. No stomach ache, no flu or cold. I stayed in my bed without being able to move. But, at 9 years old I didn’t understand and thought well I guess everyone feels this way. Now as an adult I can look back and know I was so sick with depression. Carried through my life and to this minute. If my ticket was chosen and I could have one wish (if Scooter wasn’t included of course) that I could win the lottery for millions and millions and millions the rest of my life or end my depression...I wouldn’t flinch. I would choose the end of my depression. Thank you for the kind words Biscuit’s dad.


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KayC

No, only lost 10 dogs & 15 cats, 25 altogether.  But it's a lot of loss, much since my husband George died.  And I think it's all the harder when we're alone because they are everything to us!  They are our companions, our best friends, our heart & soul.

10 hours ago, catawampus said:

I've honestly found more help online than in therapy.

So true, me too since losing my husband.  I'm lucky, at my other site it's owned & looked over by a grief counselor and she's the best!  She was with Hospice of the Valley but now is on her own, they cut her grief site (funding) so she's been supporting it herself & some of us contribute monthly.  I have learned so much from her in the 15 1/2 years since losing George!  At the time I went through my loss the only counselor was NOT, did NOT get grief as he'd never experienced it!  He said stupid things, like two weeks after my George died he handed me a book to read.  I took it home, it opened with, "I took my wedding ring off."  I burst into tears!  It lost me there.  I came back with the book and told him what I thought of it!  His response, "Well you know, if Debbie died (his wife) I'd have to move on..."  They are divorced now.  I can see why.  My repertoire of information comes largely from Marty Tousley and What's Your Grief and other places I've collected, it's been a godsend to me.  The other half I've gotten from posters, just like you guys, those who have EXPERIENCED grief, KNOW grief, LIVE with grief!  Not mere book learning, but those who truly "get it."

I've lived with anxiety all my life.  Had what I call circumstantial depression since my George died, not chemical imbalance that can be corrected with a pill, but through things that have happened that put me on a lone trail for my life...I feel the burden of life on my shoulders as I carry it alone.  Best said in Ecclesiastes 4:

Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun:

I saw the tears of the oppressed—
    and they have no comforter;
power was on the side of their oppressors—
    and they have no comforter.
And I declared that the dead,
    who had already died,
are happier than the living,
    who are still alive.
But better than both
    is the one who has never been born,
who has not seen the evil
    that is done under the sun.

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Fools fold their hands
    and ruin themselves.
Better one handful with tranquillity
    than two handfuls with toil
    and chasing after the wind.

Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:

There was a man all alone;
    he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
    yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
    “and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
    a miserable business!

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

 

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