Losing the second parent

[Monty]

Why does losing the second parent make you feel like your soul is screaming in pain? It makes you feel so alone and like a frightened child. Losing my Dad has made all the hurt and pain resurface from losing my Mum too. I feel like I am grieving for both of them. I’m just missing my Dad so much. He was so strong when my Mum passed. Now I have to find the strength within myself. I’m just not sure how. 

[KerryB]

I feel the same way. Lost my dad in 2014. My Mom is my best friend. She has had a lot of health issues since Dad died. 3 months ago she fell, then had surgery, then stroke. 2 months in rehab. Now I'm sitting here with my brother in hospice watching my mom get closer to taking her last breath. I will feel so alone and lost without her and my dad. Don't know how I'm going to handle it. It's overwhelming.

[reader]

Dear Monty,

I'm so sorry for all the pain and sorrow you are feeling. It's the hardest feeling in the world to lose both parents. I too struggle with that feeling about how to carry on.  All I can say is keep taking it moment by moment and day by day. I hope you can lean on trusted friends and family members. Know there is support in the community and through church and online support groups that can help. Grief in Common is a site that offers online support during these Covid times. Hang in there, my friend. And keep going forward the best you can.

Dear Kerry, 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. (((hugs)))

[Monty]

KerryB, I am so sorry to read about your Dad and now your Mum. Please know that you are not alone. We are here. 
 

Reader, thank you for your kind words. You are right! We just need to take it moment by moment and put one foot in front of the other. That is all we can do right now. We need to remember to be kind to ourselves. 

[KerryB]

Monty and Reader,

Thank you. My brother and I have been by my mom's s8de in hospice. Dr said yesterday afternoon she was close. We have stayed here and here it is the next day. She is still hanging on. It's torture. We have told her she can go. We are afraid to leave but I've read several articles that say some people wait for you to leave so they can go. So we don't know what to do. She has always been one tough cookie. But she has been ready to go. So don't know why the lingering. She isn't in pain but it's sure painful to watch. Wish God would take her.

 

[Monty]

KerryB, My Dad passed when none of us were there. It sometimes happens that way. We saw him afterwards when he was still and peaceful and all the machines and tubes were gone. Sending you a virtual hug. Xo

[Monty]

Thank you Valerie. 

[BEQUET93]

I lost my mother on 11/2 and will attest to how losing the last parent adds a layer of pain to the grief. It's like there is no more sense of safety and security. They imprinted upon us, before we could speak, and, in adulthood, they could give us advice and comfort about the trials of adulthood they had already experienced. For me, the loss of the last parent has left me feeling both incredibly old and like a little boy. As a representative of what is now the oldest generation in my family, I feel like I have to become a Stoic, but there is a part of me that feels like a child on the first day of Kindergarten, crying for his mommy.

It is definitely overwhelming, but we will find a way to process and accept these changes, just as our parents found a way to process and accept the changes that came after they lost their parents.

My best to all of you.

 

[Monty]

BEQUET, your words really spoke to me. It is like your safety net has been ripped out from underneath you. Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for the loss of your Mum. 

KerryB, I’ve been thinking of you and your brother. Hope you are ok. 

[KerryB]

Thank you Monty. Yes, Bequet said just how it feels. I'd go to Mom for advice about everything. Safety net does feel gone.

[BEQUET93]

We are still in the early stages of being "adult orphans" and have so much to work through. For me, I feel that I am dealing with the fact that my mother died, all that she went through during those five weeks, and the reality that I have no more parents and am of the oldest generation. It's sometimes seems overwhelming. I have been reading on the subject and understand that the loss of both parents is a "normative adult experience", but, yeah, I am scared. They are all gone now, but it gives me new respect for my elders. They went through this, either before I was born, or when I was a child, and they seemingly just accepted it as a fact of life. Again and again, I think of how, when I was a child, the three adults in my household were my mother, father, and maternal grandmother. They are all gone. All I can do is try to live according to what they taught me and how they would have wanted me to live, keep family traditions alive, and hope for the best.