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My loving pet passed away very young and I can't get over it.


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My baby girl lexie was only 7 months old and she died two days ago. I don't know what to do without her. She was my whole life. I got her when she was almost 2 months old and right from the moment I got her,I fell in love with her. I loved her in ways I never knew was possible. Sometimes it surprises me how much I loved her and how much she means to me. I never loved something as deep as I loved her. She did everything with me, we were always together day and night. She spend my lockdown days with me. My life revolved around her, I never cared for someone like I did her. Now everywhere I go, I see her. Everything reminds me of her. I can't go into my bedroom without crying. I see her furs on my cloths, I see the furnitures she chewed on, I see her marks everywhere. Everything I do reminds me of her. I can't eat without tearing up cause she'd always be around, giving me those puppy eyes and waiting for me to give her some part of my food. She'd always follow me wherever I go. We would always go down for midnight snacks. She lovesss food. I miss feeding her. Everytime I eat, I think about how much she would've love the food. The whole house is empty without her. It hurts so much. Everytime I call out her name, it breaks me apart. I call her lexie, lexine, lexinyyy. She was so so precious to me. I never went through a tragedy as big as this. I feel like no one knows how much she means to me and how much this hurts me. She wasn't just a pet, she was family to me. 

Watching her suffer and be helpless about it was the worst thing I ever had to go through. She wasn't responding to any of her treatment. I can't picture my life without her. I wish I could go where she is. I don't think I'm ever going to move on and get over it. And I don't think I want to, I want to remember everything about her, all the small details. I wish I could stop hurting but at the same time I'm scared if I stop hurting, I'll start to forget the little things about her.She was an angel, she was the ultimate gift of a lifetime. It feels hard to even breath. It wasn't fair that she got to live only 7 months. I'm mad, heartbroken, frustrated. There's no words that can describe what I'm feeling. I feel so alone without her. The fact that there's never going to be another her, that I'm never going to see her, breaks me apart.  She was the happiest, most cheerful,loyal, funny and boy, she lovesss food. She'd do anything for food. She was so beautiful and funny. Everyone who met her fell in love with her. And she made me the happiest I've ever been. The 5 months I had with her was the best 5 months of my life. And I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. I wish I got more time with her. I wish I could hug her,kiss her,pet her and just be with her for one last time. It feels like she's still here, I still can't accept that she's gone. I feel so empty, the whole world feels so empty. She brought so much joy and happiness when she came into my life, and when she left, she took a huge part of my heart with her. The only thing I know how to do after she left me is to cry. It hurts so bad and I feel like I'm all alone. I don't think I can be happy without her and I don't want to be happy without her. I just want to be with her and go where she is. I still can't accept this is my reality. I don't want to accept it. I miss her so much.

All the 5 months with her, I don't have a single regrets about any seconds I spend with her, because I know I gave her everything I had. I gave her my best, loved her with all my heart. The only two regret I have, and this will forever hunt me, is during her last two days with me.  One is, I should've taken her to a different hospital the first day , and the other is I should've stayed up with her the whole night on her last day. The first vet I went to, refused to give her an iv drip though I beg him. She keeps throwing up and couldn't keep anything inside, but he gave her oral medicine. He refused to give her an iv drip saying he don't have the time and to bring her in tomorrow. And I couldn't get to another hospital until the next day because the vet hospital here doesn't open overnight. I stayed up with her the whole night the first night. I took her to a different hospital and the doc said she shouldn't eat any oral medicine, that she needs iv drip to help her and that she'll be okay,as long as we give her an iv drip. She look rested and better, and I had total faith she was going to recover. The doc ask us to bring her in again tomorrow so we left for home. That second night, I was tired for not sleeping the previous night and slept for some few hours while my sister watch over her, I woke up at 1am aand stayed with her till 4 am and went back to sleep to get up at 5am again. When I woke, my brother was watching over her so I went back to get up at 6am. I seriously thought she was getting better cause she looked better than the night before, but when I woke up, she was crying and my mom and bro was with her. When I went in, I called out her name and she looked over and cried. I held her as she breath her last. It was devastating. There's a lot of what-ifs. She might have survived if the first vet helped her correctly. Instead he gave us all the wrong instructions. I feel so guitly.I would've never gone there if I knew.  And I should've been there the whole night with her the second night. 

I miss her so much. I want to hold her soo much. I kept some of her toys, and her collar with me. I kept her brush with me, it still has her furs. I have her soap because it smells like her. What do I do without her. I loved her beyond words. She made me the happiest and I don't know whether I can ever be that happy again. I did everything I can to save her but it wasn't enough. Sometimes I wonder whether if I've done anything differently, would she have been still alive. She didn't deserve this, she deserve a long, happy life. I'll forever miss her

 

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I am so sorry for your loss!  She is so beautiful and so young to die, did they have a diagnosis for her?  I can imagine the pain you're feeling.  I want you to remember this:  It is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues still.  Loving us as they do, I know she would not want you in such pain the rest of your life but I also know there's no avoiding it in the early time, still you don't want to will yourself to feel pain if you can let this take its course.  There is a certain amount of grief we carry with us the rest of our lives but it's to be hoped we can eventually adjust somewhat to the changes it means for our lives as we are not meant to handle this intensity forever.  

I also want you to know that feeling guilt is a normal part of grief, not that we deserve it, but it's our body's way of trying to find a different possible outcome other than the one that happened, it's such a shock to us and very hard to process.    I hope you will read these articles as you are able:
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

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@KayCthank you for reaching out. It means a lot to me. Out of desperation and helplessness, I reached out to three doctors.Two of them said she had parvo and the other one said it was gastroenteritis. But she got all her vaccination shots too, and I didn't think she'd get parvo again at 7 months. The reason why I consulted three doctors was because I live somewhere where vet clinic doesn't open overnight and I was helpless and clueless. On the first day, I took her to a nearby clinic but the doc didn't do enough. He downplayed her situation and asked me to come the next day cause he was busy. But her situation got more serious at night and all the clinic were closed and I didnt know what to do. So I called up an online vet consultation to asked for advice and he said she has gastroenteritis. But he wasn't in my locality so the next morning, I took her to another hospital and they said she has parvo and gave her iv drip. They said she'll be okay as long as we keep giving her iv drips continuously for some days and I honestly thought she was gonna make it. She was walking around and looked more rested when we got home that day. But the next morning, she was gone. It was brutal. I regret not taking her to the second hospital on the first day. She might have been alive if we went there. I think about how if I did some things differently, she'd still be alive. I feel like I failed her. 

I'd like to believe what you say is true, that she would not want me to be in such pain. Sometimes it feels like she's still around. Telling me that it's okay. That she's okay and that I'll be okay too. And for some time, I feel a little better. But the next moment, I break down upon the realization that she's gone and I'll never see her again. I know I didn't have her for long but the bond I had with her was something else I never had. She was my first ever dog. I have never experience the lost of anyone close to me, friends or family, this is the first. And its a living hell

And thank you for the articles, I will make sure to read all of it as I'm sure it'll be helpful. 

 

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Losing my Arlie 1 1/2 years ago like to have killed me.  I love and miss him continually.  My son brought me a puppy a few months later and he's been good company...not my Arlie, but he's wormed his way into my heart to where I can't imagine being without him (been 11 months since I got him).  I live alone and can't imagine doing this pandemic w/o him.  TThe one consolation is that they are no longer suffering and we'll be together again.
I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace...

 

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I'm sorry about your loss.  Coming here was the right thing to do as we all know exactly the pain you are feeling.  Some like myself, are only out a few weeks from a loss.  You are going through a perfectly normal process...guilt.  I believe most of us have gone though that.  I went through it terribly for the first few weeks.  Just ALWAYS remember that God and your pup know you and your HEART.

They both know you loved her dearly and would have done anything possible to save her life and give her treatment.  I don't know if it provides any comfort but although she wasn't around for many years, she could have been with any one else but she got YOU!  Whatever time she had on this earth, it was spent with an owner who loved her.

 

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@Redeemed thank you for your kind words. It's hard because I see her everywhere I go and in everything I do. Sometimes I think about her and smile thinking about our times together but sometimes I feel guilty. I feel guilty that she only got to live for 7 months, I feel I could've done more. I feel I could've saved her if I did somethings differently. I was supposed to take care of her. It was never going to be easy but it's one thing if she has gotten old, cause as much as it hurts, I knew at the back of my mind that I was probably going to outlive her, but she was so young. She never got to live her life. Sometimes I feel like I failed her. I understand that guilt is common and KayC has kindly provided me some articles to read and I read it. But this feelings keeps coming. I picture her during her last moments. She was always so active, happy, and just full of life and love, but during her last moment, she was so weak. She was brave, she fought hard and strong and never cried but I knew she was struggling a lot. It kills me to think about it. I took a video of her cause the doc asked me to take video, to see how she was doing. That's the last video of her on my phone and I can't watch it. I dont want to delete it cause it's her but it's so hard cause that's the first thing I see when I open my gallery. This is one of the hardest thing ever. God this really really hurts like hell. 

I miss her soo much. I felt like no one could understand the pain I was in, because some people say they're just a pet, that they come and go. But she was so much more than that. Coming here and reading about other's story  didnt ease my pain or my heartbreak because she's still gone, but the fact that there are people out there, who understands the pain and are going through the same thing, made me feel less alone and I'll take that, cause I've been feeling so sad and alone with her gone. 

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We can always look back and use hindsight to find alternative paths we could have chosen.  But at the time of crisis, we don't have that ability to analyze like we can now.  It's not like you could have gone to the Mayo Clinic for Dogs and said "here, please fix her".  We are unfortunately at the mercy of our local vets and their expertise.  We do our best to find the best care for our loved ones during the course of their life.  But they don't always make the perfect decisions and that doesn't fall on you. 

I get the crushing feeling of losing one young in life.  We had a Bullmastiff that we had to put down less than a year old quite a few years ago and that feeling has never left me.  He had failing kidneys and I had to watch him slowly lose his life over a short period of time.  He was tragically born with a disease that gave him no real chance at life.  The only real comfort I had was he got to spend his short life with a loving family.

Please keep your video.  I would send it to your email so itll always be in your archive or put it on an external drive so that you someday will have the ability to watch it.  I realize that there are people out there with the idea they are just pets.  However, you and I and millions of others see them as much much more than that.  There is something about their perfect love and thinking you are the greatest thing on earth as well as accepting all your imperfections and giving pure love anyway that makes them more than special.

I do not think I can open my heart again to another dog because the moment I bring them home, the concern about when they go has already started.  I picture some future tragic day to where I have to end their life possibly and it would consume me every day.  Every vet visit, every blood test, I would be on the edge hoping that every thing is ok.  I would do this even if they were 3 months old.

There are others who bring another pet into their home and start all over again and I think that is wonderful.  I wish I was like that.  But I simply cannot handle another horror of what I experienced last month.

 

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2 hours ago, Redeemed said:

the moment I bring them home, the concern about when they go has already started.

Following the loss of my husband 15 1/2 years ago, I never viewed life the same, it forever changed me.  When I brought Arlie home 4 1/2 years ago, following the loss of many pets, it was constantly in the back of my mind...the day I'd lose him.  I took the best care I knew to of him, he had acute chronic Colitis, so I cooked a homemade diet for him to control it, along with probiotics & supplements.  The vet failed us.  He'd been for his physicals on a regular basis, the last one being just two weeks prior to his inoperable cancer & liver shutdown diagnosis.  I kept him alive 2 months 10 days after his diagnosis...we'd gone in for routine teeth cleaning and instead we got a death sentence.  Why had the vet not checked him sooner or caught this?  He had a tumor on his tummy, they thought it nothing, why didn't they do a biopsy?  Why didn't I push for it?  We trust the vets, they're educated to know what to do for them, we rely on them.  The only thing I can take away from this is to listen to our gut instincts, if something is concerning, demand answers!  We are used to submitting to authority figures, we view vets and doctors as such.  I've learned to question.

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Thank you, both of you, for your replies. It is comforting to be heard and to be understood. Your words really means a lot to me. And I'm really sorry for both of your losses too. I wish we never had to go through these tragedies. 

@Redeemed I totally understand what you mean when you say you worry about their dead as soon as you bring them. I did the same with my lexie. Sometimes even when she was sleeping peacefully at night, I would look at her and tear up at the thought of her passing. Never thought it'd be this soon though. I had another puppy,coco, before her who died at 2 months, because he got some tumor on his neck. I adored him and it broke my heart when he passed away,he was such a good boy. But I got lexie after a month of him passing. I didn't think much about getting a new puppy but when I came across her pictures, I knew I had to have her, after all that's happened, I needed a good thing in my life and she came along. She healed me, made me so happy. I loved coco and still miss him, but we never got a chance or enough time to bond as much as I did with lexie. Lexie was different, our bond was special. She was like me in a lot of ways, there were other people in my family but we were closer. She was mine. I was always paranoid about something happening to her cause of what happened with coco. Always on my toes, took her to hospital at the first sign of any problems, did my best to keep her safe. But it wasn't enough and My worst nightmare came true. Like @KayC mentioned ,the vet failed me too. More than once. And I didn't realized until it was too late. He failed to give her the right vaccination when she was younger(which I learned only at the last moment, when she got ill for the last time),failed to give her a proper treatment when I took her during her last illness. And by the time I realised and change to a new vet, it was too late. I wasn't a vet so I didn't know any better and blindy trusted him, thinking he was doing the best thing for her. I didn't think I was in a position to question him since he was the doctor. I feel bad for trusting her with a vet like him. Going to him was the worst decision ever. She might have been alive if I went to another doc, another hospital. 

I love dogs, they're the best but I too, don't think I can get another dog any time soon, atleast not for some few years. Every dog I see, it only reminds me of her. Can't put myself through it again, don't have it in me to do it all over again, knowing what's going to happen at the end. Having them around is wonderful and worth every struggle we go through, but when they leave us and cross over, nothing hurts as much trying to live without them. This year has been the worst year ever

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I'm so very sorry for your loss of Lexie. Is very difficult to lose them and the initial days & weeks are the roughest. I don't think I cried and hurt so much in my life until the loss of my precious Kitty over 4 months ago. I couldn't even look at another cat it was so unbearable. I felt like I was drowning and there was no life raft to save me. It was only around 2 months that I felt I could get my head above water. Even though I cry less now, it doesn't take much to trigger it. I think about and miss her every single day. I wish I could go back and change things because I am sure she would still be here today. That is the toughest part to live with, knowing the mistakes made which cost her life.

I had problems with vets for her so unfortunately I don't have the best opinion of them and would be one of the reasons why I would hesitate to get another cat. I just think they go in the wrong direction at times and overlook things so we need to question, demand and do a lot of our own research because we are the ones providing the day to day care of them. I always in the end had to figure things out myself what was best for Kitty and this time, by the time I figured it out, it was too late. She died for something that was treatable, severely low potassium. I tried various things to help her but didn't know this was the reason she stopped eating. A vet though should know that. The vet did not take it serious enough on the day she should have as hardly came up with solutions to help her, and only thought about it the day before she died and still was looking at something else because she prescribed a low amount. She was underboard for a crisis situation. And I don't understand why no vets ever thought to give her a potassium supplement before for her chronic health condition because if she was already on it, I don't think this would have even happened. Definitely the vet had a big part in it but, even though, I take the blame because Kitty counted on me and I failed her.

If losing her wasn't bad enough, living with the guilt of not doing what would have saved her, is worse. I think, no matter how they died, we will blame ourselves, second guess our decisions, go over every little thing that was missed or mistakes made that led up to their death. It just comes with the territory of opening our hearts fully to the unconditional love we receive from them, so the loss is even more painful.

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The vets did not treat my Arlie right either.  Kitty never went to a vet until she was 25 and I had her euthanized.  She was always healthy, I never dreamed she'd live so long!

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@KayC I think your Kitty was probably her own vet and didn't need one plus your good care of her. I really believe cats have their own healing power because they can bounce back even when not expected to.  I know mine was always healthy all these years and I expected her to live to at least 20. Once I started taking her to a vet, and then more than one got involved, only made it worse. Then I switched to a holistic one and thought she was better than the others but she really failed her in the end. All I wanted was just a few tools from them to help in the care that I was already giving not go in the wrong direction. She had been doing good right before this happened so she definitely was not at some end of life stage. If I had figured out what was wrong early enough, I could have prevented her death on my own. She was resilient and always bounced back so had a determination of her own. I was expecting she would do the same this time but unfortunately did not happen. But I know the mistakes I made even months back taking her to vets. They couldn't even confirm any diagnosis without a biopsy so doubt they even understood her condition with all the unnecessary tests that weren't even interpreted properly, Could be this could be that is not a way to diagnose. 

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I am so sorry.  I feel no regrets with Kitty, she had a good life with me (I didn't meet her until she was 10, she came to live with me permanently when 12).  She had a very hard life before me so I'm glad she got her forever home with me, I truly loved her.  I know she possessed that rare condition to heal herself, for instance she started dropping her food so I looked into her mouth and her gums were black behind her upper front teeth, and I tried to get her into a vet to pull them but no one would consider it at her age, this was two years before she died.  Later when I looked into her mouth her gums were healing, amazingly!  She always recovered...until the end when she could no longer.  :(  It's so hard to lose them, she had a ton of personality, could be cantankerous and demanding, but she was my cantankerous demanding cat!  She could jump several feet up onto our patio from a crouched position.  She was very ambulatory.  I miss her so much.  I know you miss yours tremendously too.

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